Remember this, my love, your soft side is mightier than any man’s sword, wield that.
—
My son, hiding on the backside of a waning moon, come down now.
I’ll tell you what I know of men.
I’ll tell you what women really want.
Pick flowers. Look for heart shaped rocks, bright feathers that fell from the sky.
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Don’t just tell us we’re beautiful—tell us we have nice toes, a pretty neck, a contagious laugh. Tell us you like our belly button on a hot day, that our ears make you want to bite them, that it’s adorable the way we put mustard on everything.
When you kiss us, kiss gently then harder if we yield.
We’ll cry, you won’t always know why but we will. Be a strong man, hold us. Tell us we’re gorgeous when the face comes off. Mean it.
You will hurt us, not always on purpose. Say you’re sorry. Say you were wrong.
We’ll hurt you, tell us when we do. Give grace.
Know that no man knows everything. Keep learning, be open, read books and write poetry. Pick flowers. Look for heart shaped rocks, bright feathers that fell from the sky. Bring us things that can’t be bought, remind us that we aren’t for sale.
Skip the lingerie. Buy us sweat pants two sizes too large and on the nights when we come to you wearing them tell us we have the sexiest damned hips a pair of sweat pants ever hung from. We’ll repay you with tons of lingerie.
Pay attention to the products we use. At some point your love will need you to make an emergency run to the drug store. Trust me here, the smoothest move you’ll ever make is to cheerfully head out the door and come back with the right thing having never asked “Which ones?”
Be your own man. You are not your father or his father or any other man who disappointed you. Their fears and failures are not yours, refuse to carry them.
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Honor what we honor and we’ll cherish you always. Be interested in what interests us if only because it’s part of us and we interest you. Open doors, pull out chairs, stand when we come into a room, offer your jacket. Not because we are weak but because we are strong, pay homage to that.
Know how to cook something and cook it for us. It can be toast, we don’t care, just feed us.
Don’t hide yourself. Don’t shy away from the broke bits. It’s OK to have baggage. Bring it with you, we’ll stay up all night unpacking a man we can love.
Lesser men will mock your tender ways. Ignore them, value happiness over bravado. Know that weak men have weak minds and loud words and you are not a weak man.
Be your own man. You are not your father or his father or any other man who disappointed you. Their fears and failures are not yours, refuse to carry them.
Call your mother. When she makes you crazy and gets in your business and worries for no reason, just call her. Know that she loved you first and fiercest. Know you were born of love and wanted. Know that she sees you and can maybe remind who you are when you get a little bit lost.
Remember this, my love, your soft side is mightier than any man’s sword, wield that.
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Photo: Getty Images
Amy this is the most amazing thing I have read to be passed on to young men before they start being attracted to young ladies. I wish I had read it fifty years ago to share with my boys. I am going to share it in my Facebook for my friends who have young men to raise.
You are an amazing writer and an amazing woman. I am blessed to have you as a friend.
Hey John it’s true many men have not changed from the time they learned to walk upright. Perhaps that’s the problem? Women interned the workforce out of need because many men walked out on their families leaving mothers without much choice! Mine did, my mother worked two jobs to support my sister and I. DJ the all male draft ended in 1973 so what’s your point there? My daughter not my son served in Affganastan, gun in hand alongside then men she served with. Her Mother and I are so proud. Perhaps we should roll back the clock to a… Read more »
All male draft ended? Nice slight of hand … the “draft” ended. Selective service FOR the draft is required that “males” sign up. IF we ever go to drafting, it will be those who have registered via selective service requirements who will be drafted. Women are not required to register. “Perhaps we should roll back the clock to a time when men dominated, and a the little women knew her place ” On behalf of the countless women, with their blood sweat and tears who kept his country together during those wars, thank you for minimizing their roles. Now, if… Read more »
@Tin Man You need to educate yourself both about the present and the past sir, and you need to learn how to listen rather then react with visceral, per-programed responses that have been fed to you, such as that I am a knuckle drag that seeks to beat women over the head and drag them back to my cave. Those are shaming tactics, not intellectual discourse, and that is exactly the problem with LISTENING to what men are saying rather then attack the man himself. You are one ounce short of yelling, misogonist, and you are doing so because of… Read more »
You see this the problem that women just don’t get. This is your son, your relationship with him will always be different from his relationship with his wife. As all men have been beaten to death with this phrase by women let me repeat it. (Women are not our mothers.) And so women will never respect men on the same level as a mother respects her son. Nothing wrong with being sensitive and attentive, but to do it unconditionally can lead a man down a path of destruction. Especially when men chose to behave this way to ALL women because… Read more »
Bobby- I don’t want my sons to end up with “most women” and I don’t want my boys to be “most men”, that’s the point. They could be hurt by being the type of men who honor women. I was taught that others response to me isn’t my responsibility. I do right because it’s right. Appreciate your insight.
It is not your sons you need to work on, it is your daughters. Men are, and have always been, simple creatures. We haven’t changed since we came out of the trees and walked upright. The young women of the 21st century are totally unrecognizable from the tens of thousands of generations of women that preceded them. Why is that? The causes are many and varied and at this point do not matter. What has happened is that the DNA driven imperatives, imperatives over which they have no conscience control but were curbed by social restraints and stigmas, have now… Read more »
Congrats Amy! Your words inspire me to be a better PARENT! of course I’m a MOM but I’ll always be one of 2 parents to my son and both our daughters. Perfect words for both genders to reflect on. I’ve read some similar words from men and I take them .to heart as openly as I can. I will share this with all my family.
Amy- it’s clear you have sparked some passion among the readers. I think perhaps Tom & DJ meant well for men of their generation. They took offense when there was non needed. It’s clear you love your sons and want to help them find and keep a good women. I think it was truly a loving gesture. Many men Iron and not so Iron send there sons out into the world with a cave man metallaty. A man can be kind and loving to his wife, open a door, cook a simple meal and still be a mans man. And… Read more »
Thank you so much, Tin Man. Your wife is a lucky lady.
“I cook for my wife, or I should say I try.” No, you cook for your wife, period. Why qualify it? Your skill set is simply not the same as your wife’s.
@Tin man Sorry my friend, but no. I don’t “mean well”, and Tom and I are taking no offense. We are leading by example, trying to undo the fallacy of YOUR generation. We are the one’s that actually care about women, and respect them as well as men, and are not afraid to speak the realities that they need to hear, not pander and placate, or pretend that we are ‘real men”, living not to impress women, but treat them with respect, as equals, no differently then we treat and teach men. Amy does not need you to to charge… Read more »
Beautifully written and accurate. Where is this man?! Bring him to me, today! Lol It should never be hard to do loving and thoughtful things intentionally for the one you love. I love your brain and heart on this. A little tenderness goes a long way, men:-)
Beautiful job Amy! I love your words to your son. Like Tom I have by the grace of God been married 41 years. I like Tom learned how to be a man from my father. And I was happy until I learned after 30 years of marriage my wife was not so happy. She left me and broke my heart. After 3 years and much change on my part my wife and I got back together. But boy I sure could have saved myself and my family a lot of heartache had my mother given me the tools you are… Read more »
Tom This story isn’t about attacking you. There are other men in the universe that don’t know iron. “Be your own man” = there’s always room for improvement. “Be your own man “2” = all women do want this. Have your wife of 41 years read this. If you allow her to read.. “Baggage” = experiences, learn from them. “You will hurt us” = grace is foregivenes?? Clearly understandable! “Pay attention to the products” = come on.. You know, I hope so, what your wife’s favorites are. “”Know how to cook something” = has your wife cooked for you in… Read more »
“If you allow her to read..”
You are a terrible person and I think you owe Tom an apology.
I’ll second that, 8ball. It is expected though. I’ve been helping men for almost 30 years now, and I’ve been attack in a lot worse ways, a lot worse.
When we toss people out of their comfort zone, when we unravel conjecture with truth, visceral reaction is part of the process of acceptance…but we are at step three now, so I welcome such.
“First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.” -Mahatma Gandhi …a most masculine man.
“This story isn’t about attacking you. There are other men in the universe that don’t know iron.” Then learn Iron, not butter. Right? That is what these elder men are trying to teach, or un-teach as it were. There are several types of anger that men are expressing today, but they are all harmful, and all resolvable. Judging by your spirited reaction and rather visceral response, it seems to have struck deep. Perhaps you may want to try one of those men’s outings, or at least begin the journey by looking into them? Not easy, but very rewarding from what… Read more »
“This story isn’t about attacking you. There are other men in the universe that don’t know iron.” – I know it wasn’t about “me.” Exactly, many men don’t know iron so accordingly, we have a lot of men that are moving aimlessly in their lives that only have a females perspective as to what it is to be a man. “Be your own man” = there’s always room for improvement. – Any human that feels they have no need for improvement needs a brick upside his/her head. But what’s happening with men in our society is that they are continuously… Read more »
Great points, Tom. The title alone defines the new problem with no name: “What women want”, as a basis for raising our boys. We have so much work to do.
Love the woman that wrote this. You are clearly brilliant, caring, and considerate. What I value in a wife. Thank you for sharing.
Very good read, my friend! Love your words and appreciate your advice. Sadly, most men think that what makes a “real man” these days are how they sex their women. I believe that’s a fraction of it — a smaller fraction. You speak to so much more — thanks! I hope I prove to be an example to many young men… and leave an amazing legacy.
And Tom, not everyone had your experience. Amy may be speaking to the rest of us!
–@terracecrawford
“Sadly, most men think that what makes a “real man” these days are how they sex their women Actually, men that do not know themselves, or are not fully functional men, those that have been inundated with such rhetoric, or open to such conditioning due to a lack of self confidence in their masculinity believe that…and you are correct, there are far too many such men out there. Those are the men fabricating false idols in an almost, “Lord of the flies” mentality, searching for their masculinity in all the wrong ways, trying to prove themselves, “real men”. Those of… Read more »
“Open doors, pull out chairs, stand when we come into a room, offer your jacket. Not because we are weak but because we are strong, pay homage to that. ” if I ever wrote a piece like this, telling my daughter to cook, clean and do laundry as a way to “pay homage” to men, to support our egos, it would be met with a one word comment: Misogynist. We preach to our men to stop being sexist while at the same time mothers teach them to accept sexism as a means of bolstering female entitlement and ego…then we wonder… Read more »
Thanks for your thoughtful input, DJ. I do want my daughters to pay homage to men as well. I don’t think it misogynist to honor another person. The anger seems to come from the assumption that it’s a one way street. Not at all. People like to be fed, feed them. I do realize that “feeding” means different things to different people. Whatever it means to you is a-ok with me. Were this a site for women, I’d have advise for my girls too and it wouldn’t equate to scraps for men. I’m not a huge fan of buffets except… Read more »
But it is one way, Amy. Maybe not with you, but it is in society. That is exactly the problem. it is not at all an assumption, it is a reality in everything from the male only draft, to father’s rights, to dating protocols, to domestic violence and a great many other injustices and double standards regarding men. We are in 2016 and still, after 35 years of the father’s rights battle men are still, in 85% of divorces, being ejected from their children’s lives, based on old worn out stereotypes long disproven but still institutionalized to the point that… Read more »
Thanks DJ. I’ve written on father’s rights and am wholeheartedly on your side so please don’t assume anything about my beliefs when it comes to men from one heartfelt post. I don’t see you as the enemy at all. I hope you recognize the same. You are correct that if a man posted a similar list on a female focused site he would likely be jumped and I’ve seen it happen but, he wasn’t jumped by me and you’d see me come to his defense. I see myself as a strong, independent woman and I still admire the qualities and… Read more »
Thank you, Amy. I’m not saying that your enjoyment of such is a disenfranchisement of men at all. What I am saying is that the expecation, or rote taught assumption that all men must be taught to do this for all women, just as I fought to change the assumption that all women must cook and clean for all men. We’ve broken that on one end, but still enforce it on the other. That leads to an entitlement mantality for women, an expectation they they, by virtue of being a women, negating good or bad, are owed that…and that is… Read more »
From what I can tell you don’t necessarily disagree with any of the things I said that women may appreciate your issue is that men don’t have the same freedom to ask for what they may want. Some men, not all. I couldn’t agree with you more.
DJ, you’d be happy to know that MGTOW was recently mentioned on a Catholic radio show. No real negatives about them but was used as a platform to discuss why the site was developed, what’s happening in society past and present where men are turning to such sites.
…and so it begins. Starting to go mainstream. I’ve seen it coming for quite some time, as have you. Our boys have been turning off for years. They are failing across the board from education, to aggression, depression, suicide and on and on..and now they are turning away. We’ve tried, guys like you and me, and we’ve taken the heat while this society has blamed them, blamed masculinity, blamed all things male while continually setting them up for failure and ignored the results while running through daisy fields chasing butterflies, believing they have all the answers. We could have all… Read more »
Wish I would have read this 20 years ago when my son was young. Great read.
If I had a husband like Tom I know my 26 year marriage would never had lasted. I find it extremely sexy and so thoughtful and loving when my husband cooks for me, opens the door for me, gives me grace and treats me like he loves me. Thanks for a great piece of advise Mrs Drennan.
Well, a man like Tom would likewise not be interested in you so I’d not worry about it. You have a man that caters to your particular needs in order to feel like a woman.That’s great for you. No argument there, no more then a man that brags about his stay at home wife that caters to him. That is their choice. It becomes a problem when a woman such as yourself attempts to shame a good man like Tom into acquiescing your version of manhood, as if you have a right, and by using such archaic arguments that he… Read more »
I only want my sons to be loved well and for them to love their partners well. If you’re happy not bending at all to your wives or having them bend to you, I’m thrilled for you both, sincerely. My way is certainly not right for every person and I congratulate you on your long and happy marriage. I mean no shame or inequality, no attack on your ego. Whatever works for each individual is fine my me. I want you men who have been shamed and manipulated to be free of a life of servitude. #ironsharpensiron
Elaine, you “assume” I don’t cook. Actually, you assumed quite a bit about me. But like countless others, you’re feeding into stereotypes about men like me. I’m also the kind of guy that will get out of bed when there is a strange noise in the house. In the winter I’ll start the car for my wife so it’s warm, Come home after a long day and notice one of her tires are low and I’ll go get it fixed. I also praised her for changing out an alternator on one of our cars. You have to remove your thought… Read more »
“Be your own man. You are not your father or his father or any other man who disappointed you. Their fears and failures are not yours, refuse to carry them.” It blew me away that you said this and not in a positive way. “Be your own man” as long as it’s the kind of man YOU see to be worthy? You’ve pretty much set the stage and told him what to be a man is with the presumption that all women want what you want. You mention “baggage” and to bring it with him. In the past 15 years… Read more »
Tom- Thank you for taking the time to read and offer your insight. I’m so glad you had a dad to show you the way. I think you’re right about iron shaping iron. Admittedly, I’m mostly tin. Love and light! -Amy
Amy, mom’s and wives play a major role in developing children’s lives. Their roles should never ever be minimized. My dad was who he was as a husband and a dad in part because of my mom. It’s a package deal. My brothers and I observed who they were as parents, husband and wife. I had no book or a site to read, I simply had living experiences. We live in a society where never in history have we had so many fatherless children, mothers without husbands and IMO, something has to change. I commend you for your efforts and… Read more »
Tom- I’m certainly listening and you sound like a wonderful husband who does many of the things I mentioned being of value. Also sounds like you have a lovely wife. That’s all I want for my boys. For them to honor and be honored. I’m not a man basher, I love men and the things that make them men. We agree about fatherless children and husband less mothers, something needs to change, likely lots of things. It sounds like many men have been hurt and I’m sorry that’s the case. The grace I mentioned goes both ways and I meant… Read more »
Amy, Thanks … shopping went well. And I agree, you and I are not far apart in our beliefs. I’ve enjoyed this thread because it allowed all of us to open up and learn from one another. Forgiveness is a wonderful thing, It brings closure.
Wife just got home and it’s time for us. Take care and thanks again.