The most talked about item on the web today is the buzz feed entry “25 Extremely Upsetting Reactions To Chris Brown At The Grammys” in which a group of women appear, in all seriousness, to be defending Chris Brown by saying that he is so sexy that they would die to have him beat them up.
The top comment responding to this post with a whopping 5k FB likes is:
“Fathers, you have failed your daughters.”
Mary O’Donnell · University College London:
I love how full to fucking brimming these comments are with people making sweeping comments about how “stupid” women are, etc. Because that’s completely where the focus needs to be in conversations about domestic abuse: on women’s stupidity rather than on the abusive behaviour perpetrated and sanctioned by men. You know what the problem with the valorisation of Chris Brown is? The problem is that nobody, including and especially other men, is stopping men from abusing women. Like. Yes. These status updates are a mess and it’s fucked up and not okay when women glamorise or tacitly endorse abuse but let’s be real here: these women are not posting in a vacuum and they didn’t create this idea; they’re posting in the context of a culture where domestic abuse is routinely forgiven and washed away, where music execs and producers and awards shows and etc. will put you on a stage and give you a Grammy three years after you put your girlfriend in the hospital — they’re posting in the context of a culture which tells them implicitly and explicitly to think like this. And somehow they’re the ones being critiqued — not the power structures which keep Chris Brown and Michael Fassbender and a metric fuckton of other abusers in business. These comments are a god damn mess. A mess.
Okay let’s try to get a couple things straight here.
Chris Brown beat up Rihanna.
There’s nothing funny or right or sexy about that. It’s something that happens all too often in our country, domestic abuse. It’s not alway men beating up women, so let’s not go there. But we can all say that any person beating up a lover, child, or friend is committing a heinous act of violence and we should all do anything in our power to stop it.
The idea that these women would tweet about how they want to be beaten by some rapper with a history of violence is truly sad, whether they did it as a joke or in all seriousness. It shows a lack of understanding at how deplorable the action Chris Brown committed.
But to lay the whole thing–the fact that Rihanna was beaten in the first place or that these women would think that it’s cool to talk about wanting to be beaten now–at the feet of men and fathers at-large is a mistake. Domestic abuse is a human issue. It’s not a gender issue. We all participate in the pattern of violence, no matter what our gender. And we all have to say enough is enough.
To lock ourselves into a frame of reference where men can only be perpetrators and women can only be victims side tracks us from focussing on the real issue: stopping domestic violence.
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Anything can be sexualized under the context of “COOL” these days. Rape culture is apparently cool to some groups of people, now add beating to that as well. In essence, VIOLENCE is being preached as a cool thing. Where are people getting these types of nonsensical messages from???
I think these are the types of teens, ideas and environment, which my aunts and uncles are looking to shelter their kids away from, including my 12 year old girl cousin. The parents don’t want their children to be surrounded by bad influences…usually related to pop culture.
Actually, both abuse and even outright violence can be sexual fetishes. Whether that makes the participants ‘crazy’ is debatable.
There was a piece on GMP dissecting the one Twilight movie, and a scene where Bella woke up and noticed bruises to her body…this was after a night of passionate love making with Edward, the vampire.
I bet these teen girls are Twilight fans. Some messages aren’t so subliminal. Movies don’t intend to advocate violence, they are entertainment, but they have a cultural influence…and Twilight has been phenomenally successful.
Bingo. I think youth and fantasy have a lot to do with it. have you heard anything like this from and actual grown woman – one you would call grown, not just physically grown? I have heard vampire TV and bodice-ripper romances described as rape fantasies. That is probably unnnecesarily harsh, but it’s not inaccurate.
Ah but see with vampire novels/tv shows/movies, it’s still very much in the realm of fantasy. This is a real human being who beat another real human being. It’s two separate things. Now, I guess some people can mix up the two…but that’s not the fault of the vampire movies, etc.
I don’t think men should be casting aspersions on the inappropriateness of _women’s_ rape fantasies.
Ye gods, men will congratulate _men who have been raped_ and seem to be unable to separate the reality of rape from the fantasy of it.
And women get a bad rap for being Pollyannas!
Excellent point! Never heard it put that way – spot on!
Very well said.
@Heather
Teens are still in junior high or highschool and you’re a PhD candidate? I’m sure you can distinguish between entertainment/fantasy and reality, and not easily influence by subliminal messages or trends; moreover, you’re likely passed the stage of being a Twilight fan or think Edward and Chris Brown are heart-throbs. These few years on them, make a huge difference…but for some other adults, hardly…they forever behave like teenagers
Well I’d have never thought Chris Brown was a heartthrob…Rhianna sure, but not Chris Brown.
Anyway, I get what you’re saying, but come on…by the time I was a teenager I knew the difference between reality and fantasy. Which is why, to me, it wouldn’t have been a big deal except that these tweets were about a real abuser that lives in the real world.
Women do something stupid. It’s men’s fault.
So when, exactly, do women have the ability to effect any change at all?
I do not want to defend what Chris Brown did.
However, I am extremely concerned by the clearly prevalent idea in our society that there are some sins for which you can never atone.
Brown turned himself into the police. He made multiple public apologies. He pleaded guilty and accepted his sentence.
When will it ever be enough? I suspect that for some subset of the population the answer is: never. And I suspect we are all lesser for having to hear their voices so loudly.
When will it ever be enough?
When “we” stop making “them” more than what they are to start with.
Entertainers, athletes and the like, are the pet rocks of our time. Or of all time.
His profession should not have to define his penance.
The problem lies with those who refuse to forgive. At a certain point it becomes mere vengeance and blood thirst, and our society suffers for it.
Personally I find the idea of forgiving Chris Brown separate from posting something on Twitter saying you’d let him beat you. Not that I think you’re saying they’re the same thing….it’s just. To me the real outrage is that there are people out there who would make a joke out of it, or even worse, seriously allow a celebrity to beat them just because they were hot and famous.
Yeah. What is the connection supposed to be anyway? And your second point is dead on the money too – what a sick, extreme form of star-stalking that is.
I’d also say some of the problem lies with people who are forcing themselves into the position of being the one to forgive. What he did was terrible but I’m not going to grandstand on some artificial high ground and act like he has to have MY forgiveness for his crime. He doesn’t need forgiveness. He doesn’t need the collective forgiveness of women everywhere. He doesn’t need the forgiveness of the fans who feel betrayed. There is one person and one person only that has any business deciding if Brown is forgiven for what he did and that’s the woman that he beat, Rihanna.
Now if people want to decide never to support his music ever again that’s another thing altogether.
I agree with this outlook.
Chris Brown is a celebrity and had committed a crime of assault, which I can see why so many adults want to spotlight and forever punish him for eternity. But celebrity or not, he has done his time for his crime…if the punishment was lenient, then the problem lies with the law, not Chris Brown.
Chris Brown needs to make a living like everyone else. Music and performing is his livelihood, his career…his passion…he is talented; it would be cruel to continue to crucify him to the point where he couldn’t do what he loves.
It’s unfortunate the teen girls are making silly twitter texts about wanting Chris Brown to beat them, I’m sure he doesn’t want to be stuck with domestic assault label all of his life. But with all these inappropriate fanfare for him, he might be flattered. All of these stupid tweets is just going to incite domestic assault amongst youth…boys will think girls are asking for it, and won’t care if girls are joking or not.
Reading the police report of the beating, here at http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1606481/chris-brown-police-report-provides-details-altercation.jhtml, can provide a little extra perspective for anyone who’s been lucky enough to never suffer through domestic violence.
Hollywood and pop culture have a lot of bad, bad role models. There are some good ones, but mostly bad. Children and adults for the most part shouldn’t look up to them; don’t put them on a pedestal, don’t be influenced by them — they are around purely for entertainment! They are not your father-figures, mother figures, brother or sister role models; they don’t know you by name, they don’t give a damn about you…they’re not going to be there when you have your first car accident, they’re not going to be there when you are sick, or be there for your sweet 16. Unless you are a wish kid, they are fantasy.
Too many teens are entranced by celebrities and in awe of their stardom, power, talent…looks — Brittany and Annie are some of your typical teen girls. They are very LOST girls…desiring to be bruised and battered by Chris Brown — I can’t shake my head enough. With magnetic forces like this from pop culture and Hollywood, attracting and pulling on teens and young adults, strong parental role models and family and community ties are paramount to bringing them back to earth. Hollywood and pop culture attracts self-absorbed people and fans, and sometimes they create them too. Most of Hollywood and singers are narcissists, aren’t they? Some think they are above the law too and morals are for peasants.
What many don’t understand is that the problem is not violence against women. The problem is violence against humans. Until that is understood there will continue to be violence against women. Because the vast majority of violence is not against women. Yes, believe it or not, males are human too. As long as y’all consider the vast majority of violence as perfectly acceptable, since the victims are male, even glorifying it, this issue will live on.
Amen!
100% right, Eric. Well said.
There will continue to be violence against women (and men) as long as there are humans. It ain’t pretty, but it is the truth.
Well, okay, yes. But we can do everything to try to minimize it.
The most powerful punch comes from the one who chooses to forgive.
> But to lay the whole thing…at the feet of men and fathers at-large is a mistake.
Hear effing hear. Most men “get” that domestic violence is awful. The very thought makes me sick to my stomach. What makes me even sicker are the tweets that inspired the original post, as it shows a a gross ignorance and callousness of what domestic violence really is. But what makes me ANGRY is the rant by Mary O’Donnell that somehow places the complete onus on men to stop domestic violence. That is bull. Women cannot be passive bystanders in the effort to stop abuse. As long as there are women who are willing to glorify domestic violence, there will always be men who are all too willing to oblige them.
As for blaming the entertainment industry: Let’s be real here, that industry (and most other public-facing industries: professional sports comes to mind) is willing to sweep ANY criminal activity under the rug if doing so will ultimately bring in the dollars. The fact that they let Chris Brown onto music’s biggest stage is troubling, but it’s not hypocritical…they’re being consistent. Specifically targeting Brown and his history of abuse is a little bit pointless IMO because it’s not addressing the root problem.
But to lay the whole thing–the fact that Rihanna was beaten in the first place or that these women would think that it’s cool to talk about wanting to be beaten now–at the feet of men and fathers at-large is a mistake.
Not just a mistake but complete bull. Almost as bad as that post on the dad shooting the kid’s laptop trying to say that misogyny was a part of the reason he did it.
I’ve never seen a single campaign that says women should be stopping women from committing the violent crimes that some of them do but for some reason when it comes to men we are the Borg Collective where we are all equally responsible for the actions of a few.
People want to lay the blame on men’s feet when they don’t stop the abuse, but what happens when a man tries to put a stop to it and the woman thwarts him ?
You have woman who will put up with abuse from their partner and thwart any effort to punish them.
So you not only have the abuser in his mind thinking that it’s ok but you have the woman support in standing by his side.
———
Should my older brother be blamed for the abuse continuing to happen to our cousin (by her boyfriend) because she choose to not press charges against him and move him back into her apartment ?
When my brother lived with her at the time it wasn’t her that was blamed for the abuse, nor was it her mother who knew about it for months or her sisters (who all live there)…..it was him.
Since he was the MAN in the house, he was too blame.
In 2010 he attacked the boyfriend and threw him out of the apartment not only to stop the abuse but because the blame was laid at his feet by not only her family but the neighborhood.
In mid 2010 He moved out when she moved the boyfriend back into the apartment.
So women’s desire to be beaten by a celebrity is men’s fault???
I’m surprised no one touched on the following angle: I saw this thread in the Something Awful forums, and one commentor joked that that these snippets validated (for better or for worse) many feminists’ idea that women can and DO think with their *little* heads too. We all know that domestic violence is disgusting…but hey–if the guy looks like Chris Brown…well…*drool anyways*. This is the type of statement that is stereotypically tied to men. Most men couldn’t give a rat’s ass that Megan Fox and Taylor Swift suck at what they do and generally seem like uninteresting women. Quite a few act as if they’d only draw the line if one of them killed his mother. If Megan Fox beat up her boyfriend or treated him like he was a piece of shit? How might many men respond?
He was probably being an asshole anyways. I’d be so much better for her. She’s Megan Fox and she can treat me like a piece of shit any day!
That’s basically what these women did. The whole situation actually reminds me that men and women have a lot more in common than we’d like to admit–once again, for better or for worse. It draws parallels to how a lot of men and women see abusers (physical and emotional ones).
I want in his pants, in his heart, in his soul. I’d love him and treat him so much better than that crazy controlling bitch. He wouldn’t have a reason to beat me. Why can’t he see it?
I’m such a good guy and I’d love her and fuck her and treat her so much better than those assholes she keeps dating who are so obviously using her. She wouldn’t have a reason to disrespect me. Why can’t she see it?
Yeah, Aya, it’s sort of startling when you make the realization how much men and women are alike when it comes to matters of the heart.
Both men and women have a soft spot for raging sociopaths (I can tame him/her!), they both simultaneously want unconditional love from their partner and want to give conditional love to their partner, they both have projected the image of the dangerous, lusting animal on the other sex(not so much on women in our age, but that sentiment was certainly there in ages past) while simultaneously lamenting not being able to have a fulfilling relationship with the animal…
Round and round we go.
I hate to say it because he’s an obnoxious little shit and his music makes me want to vomit, but that Buzzfeed article clinches it. Chris Brown=Alpha of the Year.
File under chicks dig assholes ex. # 46,054,796,409,674,901,674,901,671,956,279,165,479,265,794,265
Would love to get folks who read this article to check out my take on Chris Brown and the cycle of violence we raise men in, which leads to the violence women, as well as men face. I am excited that it is now up here on the Good Men Project site as well!
http://goodmenproject.com/arts/chris-brown-and-the-sounds-of-young-men-in-free-fall/