Author’s Note: This is satire. I am not trying to judge anyone’s religious beliefs–Mormon, Christian, or otherwise. I’m trying to make a point about what I believe to be the disturbing trend towards religion invading politics, something that our foundering fathers feared greatly. Those who came to the New World fled religious persecution in England and elsewhere. The separation of church and state is at the very foundation of the democratic experiment in the United States. And yet religion has become a litmus test for Presidential politics in a way that would make our founders turn over in their graves. James Madison, the father of the United States Constitution, once observed that “the [religious] devotion of the people has been manifestly increased by the total separation of the church from the state.”
Why I’m running for President on a platform of Holy Emperor.
The Lord has been whispering in my ear recently.
He’s pissed. Closer than ever to blowing the whole earth up in a day of reckoning for our sins. Turns out the rapture was the real deal, but God decided to give us that one last chance before sending in the astroids.
“Whoever thought up this idea about the separation of church and state is stinking away in hell,” He told me. “We gotta do something about this shit, Tom.”
He’s asked me to run for President because even the Tea Party and its most recent candidate of choice shy away from the Truth.
Joseph Smith was not only right about those tablets in Vermont, He told me, but the proper role of women. The control of a woman’s body in terms of contraceptive and abortion are the God-given right of men. So, too, is polygamy. Mitt is one of those Mormons who’s actually a nice guy and normal human being. But he’s missing the point. He’s not going back to his roots.
But the real problem is what Henry VIII tried to solve–the state control of not just women but religion. What he asked me to do was not just throw the Congressmen out but disband Congress completely and institute a “Holly American Empire.”
“You really need to look closely at the fascists,” God whispered in my ear. ”Once women are put in their proper place we have to deal with the gays, blacks and non-believers–Jews and Muslims. All those who aren’t white or normal or Saved.”
“We’re doing a good job denying blacks education–putting more of them in jail than were ever slaves in this country,” He went on. “But we’ve allowed this whole homosexuality thing to get completely out of control. It’s a mortal sin.”
God for one is really pretty into the death penalty (another thing we are doing right thank goodness, if you don’t agree with someone definitely come up with a reason to kill them).
God is a big supporter of our expansionist foreign policy but not the equalitarian way we have tried to approach the unwashed. “You are the righteous ones, you are my chosen people, don’t ever forget that,” He told me. “Don’t win the hearts and minds of the natives. Bash their brains in. These are Holy wars with Satan.”
The last thing he said was about Christ. He said that our paying lip service to other faiths is hypocritical and getting in the way of instituting dictatorship based on His will. “Condemn the non-believer, impose state religion, and set up public tests of devotion to me through the use of great tubs of water. As Sir Bedevere rightly pointed out ‘If she weighed the same as a duck… she’s made of wood. And therefore…A witch!’ Hang the witches and warlocks and non-believers and disobedient women and gays and blacks and muslims and jews and beggars at dawn. Show no mercy or the meek shall inherit the earth.”
I attend a neighborhood Episcopal church but was brought up Quaker and would say my faith is closer to Buddhism than anything else. So this whole conversation came as a shock to me too. But God is funny that way.
So Rick, Mitt and Stephen step aside. The Chosen one is coming through.