I’ve Been Talking to God …

Author’s Note: This is satire. I am not trying to judge anyone’s religious beliefs–Mormon, Christian, or otherwise.  I’m trying to make a point about what I believe to be the disturbing trend towards religion invading politics, something that our foundering fathers feared greatly. Those who came to the New World fled religious persecution in England and elsewhere. The separation of church and state is at the very foundation of the democratic experiment in the United States.  And yet religion has become a litmus test for Presidential politics in a way that would make our founders turn over in their graves. James Madison, the father of the United States Constitution, once observed that “the [religious] devotion of the people has been manifestly increased by the total separation of the church from the state.”


Why I’m running for President on a platform of Holy Emperor.

The Lord has been whispering in my ear recently.

He’s pissed. Closer than ever to blowing the whole earth up in a day of reckoning for our sins. Turns out the rapture was the real deal, but God decided to give us that one last chance before sending in the astroids.

“Whoever thought up this idea about the separation of church and state is stinking away in hell,” He told me. “We gotta do something about this shit, Tom.”

He’s asked me to run for President because even the Tea Party and its most recent candidate of choice shy away from the Truth.

Joseph Smith was not only right about those tablets in Vermont, He told me, but the proper role of women. The control of a woman’s body in terms of contraceptive and abortion are the God-given right of men. So, too, is polygamy. Mitt is one of those Mormons who’s actually a nice guy and normal human being.  But he’s missing the point.  He’s not going back to his roots.

But the real problem is what Henry VIII tried to solve–the state control of not just women but religion. What he asked me to do was not just throw the Congressmen out but disband Congress completely and institute a “Holly American Empire.”

“You really need to look closely at the fascists,” God whispered in my ear.  “Once women are put in their proper place we have to deal with the gays, blacks and non-believers–Jews and Muslims. All those who aren’t white or normal or Saved.”

“We’re doing a good job denying blacks education–putting more of them in jail than were ever slaves in this country,” He went on. “But we’ve allowed this whole homosexuality thing to get completely out of control. It’s a mortal sin.”

God for one is really pretty into the death penalty (another thing we are doing right thank goodness, if you don’t agree with someone definitely come up with a reason to kill them).

God is a big supporter of our expansionist foreign policy but not the equalitarian way we have tried to approach the unwashed. “You are the righteous ones, you are my chosen people, don’t ever forget that,” He told me. “Don’t win the hearts and  minds of the natives. Bash their brains in. These are Holy wars with Satan.”

The last thing he said was about Christ. He said that our paying lip service to other faiths is hypocritical and getting in the way of instituting dictatorship based on His will. “Condemn the non-believer, impose state religion, and set up public tests of devotion to me through the use of great tubs of water. As Sir Bedevere rightly pointed out ‘If she weighed the same as a duck… she’s made of wood. And therefore…A witch!’ Hang the witches and warlocks and non-believers and disobedient women and gays and blacks and muslims and jews and beggars at dawn.  Show no mercy or the meek shall inherit the earth.”

I attend a neighborhood Episcopal church but was brought up Quaker and would say my faith is closer to Buddhism than anything else.  So this whole conversation came as a shock to me too. But God is funny that way.

So Rick, Mitt and Stephen step aside.  The Chosen one is coming through.

image: merrellhome.com

About Tom Matlack

Thomas Matlack is a venture capitalist.


  1. I don’t mean to be fussy about this, but why do you have a portrait of Henry VIII of England for an article referencing the Holy Roman Empire? Surely Charles V of Spain (a true tyrant if ever there was one – makes our ‘Enry seem delightful by comparison) would be a better candidate?

  2. I’m amused by how religious fundamentalism can be so selective about when writings are to be taken literally and when they’re subject to interpretation or metaphor. They generally say it’s all about the literal truth, but in practice it’s not really like that.

    For example, the Old Testament passages about homosexuality as an abomination. However, other things on the list of abominations seem to be okay for most American Christians: shaving your face, eating a cheeseburger, eating bacon, wearing cloth with more than one fabric, etc. In fact, there’s even one passage about homosexuality that they do NOT want you to take literally. “If a man lay down with man as with a woman,” then that’s a sin. Okay, so lesbianism is totally acceptable, and as long as the male lovers don’t actually do it lying down then it’s all good. Technically, by definition you can’t have sex with a man exactly like you would with a woman, so gay sex is okay even lying down.

    Ask American Christian fundamentalists about the passage where it’s easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than it is for a rich man to get into heaven. You are bound to get some interpretations and allegories and calls not to be so literal, or even the suggestion that the translation was a little off. Of course it’s not *literally* true, because camels are much bigger than needles, and I’ll be damned if I’m giving away my money because Jesus told me to. That can’t be right, must be a mistranslation.

    • Peter Houlihan says:

      My own position when I was a catholic was that the new testament was a correction of the old. I never wanted to eat a shellfish, but I couldn’t see how it was more of a sin than eating a lamb.

    • Tom Brechlin says:

      Eye of the “needle’ .. your right, it’s how its been translated. “Needle” as we know it is something you put thread through. Villages were built with walls around it. People lived in these towns and camel were not supposed to be in there. Translation of the opening into that town was a “needle” which was big enough for people to go through but not a camel. Although hard to do, one could manage to get a camel through that opening.

      Old testament has been mentioned. Key word “old” … things changed when Jesus came into the picture. Nonetheless, The strict Jewish faith still follows the rules in the old testament.

  3. wellokaythen says:

    This is completely offensive. Only the leaders of my denomination actually talk to God. You are clearly a false prophet, unlike the real ones. How can I spot the real voices of God? They agree with me. Quite simple, really.

    By the way, people who immigrated to colonial America were fleeing religious persecution, but that doesn’t mean they wanted to establish religious freedom in America. Many of the Puritan communities were *stricter* than England was. They kicked people out of town for teaching “false beliefs” in their own homes. They were generally against separation of church and state, as evidenced in the people hanged for witchcraft, or the people thrown in jail for saying “goddammit.” Rhode Island started as a place where all sorts of people wound up who were kicked out of the other colonies because if religious differences. Not exactly a haven for religious difference….

    Unfortunately, zealotry goes back longer than separation of church and state.

    • wellokaythen says:

      P.S. I meant “of those immigrating to America for religious reasons….” The vast majority of immigrants have come for economic reasons, not for religious freedom. (Not counting the ones forced to come here as slaves, etc.)

    • By the way, people who immigrated to colonial America were fleeing religious persecution, but that doesn’t mean they wanted to establish religious freedom in America. Many of the Puritan communities were *stricter* than England was.
      yup the puritans werent persecuted, they were the bloody persecutors.
      banning this, banning that.

      our(uk) history says the puritans werent persecuted but they were simply ignored after their little coup(oliver cromwell of the english civil war, was a puritan), and considering england lost, they decided to leave for america to establish their ‘heaven on earth’.
      from memory, 45 of the 49 plotters against the english crown were pardoned.

      • from memory, 45 of the 49 lead plotters against the english crown (english civil war) were simply pardoned.

        • wellokaythen says:

          The earlier Puritan/Pilgrims immigrants were in the 1620’s. They had faced some persecution earlier, but by the time they started coming to America, the worst times were largely over. The Pilgrims were separatists – they didn’t want to pay taxes in England because some of that tax money went to the Anglican Church. That was the main reason they left when they did.

          That would be great if we in the U.S. could do that, opt out of paying taxes to a government that has too many ties to the wrong sort of religion. I’ll take an IRS refund on all federal money going to “faith-based” organizations, please.

          At the first Thanksgiving celebration, the Pilgrims gave thanks to God for sending disease to kill so many of their heathen Indian neighbors. Are we sure we want true believers like that determining health care policy?

  4. Well I used to talk to God, but I stopped when he started talking back.

  5. Peter Houlihan says:

    Nice 😀 Holy American Empire eh? Can I be an Elector?

    Just one tiny thought: is it necessary to mix polygamy in with the other misogynistic stuff? Theres plenty of egalitarian polygamists out there.

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