I nearly busted a rib laughing at Jason Schwartzman’s hysterical recap of the time his girlfriend bought him a massage because he seemed really stressed out, from Newsweek.com.
Schwarzman is like me—we both hate massages. I just had my first one for mother’s day, courtesy of my husband, and while I appreciated the gesture enormously, I found the whole thing weird. I didn’t know when to take off my robe or what to wear under the robe. I wasn’t sure where to put my hands, or if I should talk to the masseuse or not. I wanted to fall asleep but was afraid I would talk in my sleep (I do that). So basically it was really stressful. But my husband and almost everyone I know loves to get massages.
Anyway, Jason Schwartzman’s went way worse than mine. Here’s an excerpt from the section describing him preparing for his salt scrub, when he’s trying to follow the masseuse’s instructions to dress in what seems to be a tiny ball of cloth intended to cover his man-parts:
She leaves and I go to put on this underwear, but they’re a G-string, so I figure this can’t be right. I take them off, and rotate them one click to the left. Now they are a G-string that’s not covering much at all. So I get panicked and turn them over, and now it’s a weird bathing suit that’s covering part of my upper thigh. They’re just not working. I go through every possible variation and finally I arrive at the idea that these just are a G-string, at which point, the echo of my girlfriend’s voice comes into my head, saying, “Whatever happens, just go with it.” So I put the blanket over me, and I said, “OK, I’m ready!” in a sing-songy voice. When she’s about to begin coating me, I hear her start shaking with laughter.
She says, “I think you might have these on incorrectly. These aren’t supposed to be a G-string.” It’s very embarrassing, when you’re lying facedown in a massage parlor with a G-string on that’s not really supposed to be one…”
So what do you think of massages? Do real men get massages? What would you do if you were offered a “happy ending”?
Image of man getting a massage courtesy of Shutterstock
About Joanna Schroeder
For a lot of people, massage *therapy* is not an indulgence but a necessary method for dealing with real physical pain. Massage therapists go through a lot of training and have to put up with creepy jokes about “happy endings.”
I’m sorry if this sounds scolding but I have benefited from physiotherapy and have known people who do great work as massage therapists.
Yes, and oftentimes real therapy is painful, worth it, but painful. I cannot count how many times I’ve gotten on the table only to feel dread as my masseuse works their way towards my trigger spots.
I’ve never gone for a “spa massage”…if they don’t have an RMT number, I don’t go.
As for the creep factor, I dated a former MT, he had alot to say about the blatant sexual harrassment he faced from men and women during service. I get that it IS an intimate setting, but it’s a workplace for them, and MT’s need to be treated with professionalism and respect.
After going through numerous MT’s (because you have ot find the right one) , I finally settled on someone who happened to be of the opposite sex, attractive and about my age. Initially, it WAS difficult to strip down to my skivvies and let him manipulate my mucles because of those factors, I felt especially vulnerable about my own body. I did manage to get over it quite quickly though, as I realised that one, he probably sees all body types; and two, he was the best at targeting my specific troubles, so I’d better check my issues at the clinic door.
I don’t go often enough! As someone who is perpetually stressed and often physically incapable of relaxing, I really need massages to relax and loosen up. More than once I’ve been told to relax my muscles only to do so and have the masseuse/physical therapist be shocked at how tense my “relaxed” muscles are.
Hey Collin,
My mucles are tense all the time too…regardless of what i’m doing (or not doing, as it were), I have to deep stretch every day. I do find that yoga helps alot…just sayin’
So what do you think of massages?
As monkey says they do have value as a relief for physical (and mental) pain. Loosening joints, easing tense muscles, as well as helping you clear your mind, and giving you a chance to forget your burdens for just a bit. Or so I hear.
Do real men get massages?
I’m sure they do but not for the reasons that some may think. One of my coworkers gets a massage every few months because he says it works wonders for his back. I’ve yet to hear him make a “happy ending” or any other sex joke.
What would you do if you were offered a “happy ending”?
Okay for as scared as I am of the idea of having a massage (I have a real problem about people touching me like that) I’d probably freak the hell out if I were offered a “happy ending”. The thought of having someone touch me in a way that might be considered intimate and sexual is bad enough, but having someone actually touch me in a sexual and intimate way, especially when that’s not what I’m there for, scary indeed.
I would take the HJ
If you get offered a “happy ending”,you are in a massage parlor, which is not massage therapy. It’s that simple.
I used to feel the EXACT same way about getting a massage. They were just awkward from beginning to end. Then I found a fantastic, witty, hilarious, massage therapist with no pretenses. (Which is a pretty big accomplishment in Scottsdale). She actually addressed much of this awkwardness at our first appointment. I LOVE getting a good massage now. My LMT told me she is more concerned with my trigger points, and working them out, than with my cellulite or making small talk. She said “You’re paying ME, why the hell would you want to listen to me run my mouth?” She also said “Do you know how it gets hard to smell the differences in perfume when you smell one after the other? That’s how it gets with looking at bodies, one after the other. They all just look like people after a while. Some big, some small, but all people.” She may have been lying, but if she was, it still worked.
Sounds like the place you were at was pretty unprofessional. If you are in the United States there are places where the amount of training for massage therapists is very minimal… If you are going to get a massage and are in the States you want to make sure that your therapist has graduated from a school with a program approved by the American Massage Therapy Association. I have been a massage therapist in The USA and Canada. In Canada the training is extensive everywhere – minimum 2600 hours of training. In the USA the amount of training varies quite a bit from State to State, sometimes only 250 hours is the minimum. 1000 hours of training is an adequate amount of training. Having both trained and worked in both countries my opinion is that anything under 1000 hours of training is not enough, even if you are just going to a spa. Anyways – studies now show that massage increases white blood cells, decreases coritsol, increases oxytocin… so it is not an indulgence, Done properly it is part of a health care regime. A properly trained massage therapist will make sure you are comfortable, that you understand everything that is expected of you, will explain to you everything you need to know…etc etc
Thanks so much for this! I love it when experts come in and give us the insider insight!
Great advice, thanks for sharing it all.
Massages are great for new moms…I know I thoroughly enjoyed getting a massage after breast-feeding my kid for 10 months and developed muscle contractures (in my upper neck and back) after being in weird positions….I always went with a GF or my husband (so nothing sleazy ever happened!)…
I had a back spasm last year and got a massage from someone with a lot of knowledge on sports medicine. I was barely able to walk, 1 hour later I could walk a lot easier. The massage hurt quite a bit but was neccessary to loosen up the muscles, he was a professional and I am impressed at how much knowledge he had. When you’re in so much pain and thinking nothing will work, you get up after the massage and can walk better you get the feeling of “wtf just happened”, it’s amazing but it works and I was so appreciative of that.
If I had a female masseuse just for stress, not for a back spasm, and she offered me a happy ending I may end up taking it. Depends just how stressed I am, if I have had any happy endings recently, and more especially if I have a partner or not. Also depends if they are clean, professional, a licensed sex worker with all the safety’s in place.
I have come around from initial wariness to appreciating the work that my very well trained and professions massage therapist does for me, I live in Canada, and massage therapy is partially covered under my supplemental insurance (the policy that my employer provides to me over and above the basic provincial health care that I receive simply by living where I do). I’m an extremely active person who does some sort of strenuous activity (gym workout, sports, or ballet) almost every day, and deep tissue massage has been a great help in keeping my body healthy and working out the aches, strains, and stress. Deep tissue massage is pretty intense and can be quite painful in the moment, but the after-effects are very noticeable and lasting…I both dread and look forward to my once-a-month hour-long massage therapy session. The older I get and the more attuned to and comfortable I get with my body, the more I appreciate the role of body work in keeping me tuned up and performing at a high level
After reading both articles, it sounds like both you and Jason are judging the profession as a whole from a one of bad experience with therapists that lacked basic communication skills.
I am a MT myself, based in Sydney, Australia and I can assure you that if you find the right therapist (check they are registered with an association) it will be a much better experience. We spend hours and hours being trained in how to clearly communicate with our clients to make what they need do and wear very clear. We are told to only talk if talked to, so it’s up to you if you want to just relax or have someone to talk to (I quite like to have a bit of a chat). The therapist should however check in every so often to make sure pressure is ok and if you are comfortable.
There is major focus on draping, covering all the body parts you aren’t working on with a towel, so at no point will you be fully exposed. Also those G-strings seem to be a spa thing, they aren’t used in remedial massage.
In our training, massage therapists have to study and learn nearly every muscle in the body in great detail, learn about all major soft tissue injuries/conditions and learn sequences and assessment techniques to tailor treatments to the clients specific needs. So, when we see a person in front of us on a table we are not thinking any “creepy” thoughts, we are seeing someone that we want to help escape pain, discomfort and stress.