I nearly busted a rib laughing at Jason Schwartzman’s hysterical recap of the time his girlfriend bought him a massage because he seemed really stressed out, from Newsweek.com.
Schwarzman is like me—we both hate massages. I just had my first one for mother’s day, courtesy of my husband, and while I appreciated the gesture enormously, I found the whole thing weird. I didn’t know when to take off my robe or what to wear under the robe. I wasn’t sure where to put my hands, or if I should talk to the masseuse or not. I wanted to fall asleep but was afraid I would talk in my sleep (I do that). So basically it was really stressful. But my husband and almost everyone I know loves to get massages.
Anyway, Jason Schwartzman’s went way worse than mine. Here’s an excerpt from the section describing him preparing for his salt scrub, when he’s trying to follow the masseuse’s instructions to dress in what seems to be a tiny ball of cloth intended to cover his man-parts:
She leaves and I go to put on this underwear, but they’re a G-string, so I figure this can’t be right. I take them off, and rotate them one click to the left. Now they are a G-string that’s not covering much at all. So I get panicked and turn them over, and now it’s a weird bathing suit that’s covering part of my upper thigh. They’re just not working. I go through every possible variation and finally I arrive at the idea that these just are a G-string, at which point, the echo of my girlfriend’s voice comes into my head, saying, “Whatever happens, just go with it.” So I put the blanket over me, and I said, “OK, I’m ready!” in a sing-songy voice. When she’s about to begin coating me, I hear her start shaking with laughter.
She says, “I think you might have these on incorrectly. These aren’t supposed to be a G-string.” It’s very embarrassing, when you’re lying facedown in a massage parlor with a G-string on that’s not really supposed to be one…”
So what do you think of massages? Do real men get massages? What would you do if you were offered a “happy ending”?
Image of man getting a massage courtesy of Shutterstock