Where does most male anger come from? How do we step out of the joyless and destructive pattern of distancing those we love most?
As a singer/songwriter and therapist who works with young men, I have found that Pete Townsend’s classic rock lament, “Behind Blue Eyes,” always hits a nerve with me, as well as the men, young and old, that I’m close to. “No one know what it’s like/to be the bad man/to be the sad man/behind blue eyes” and later in the song, “my love is vengeance/that’s never free.”
Ouch. This lyric applies to us all, like it or not, whether we’ve ever considered ourselves as “abusive” guys or not. There are innumerous subtle ways that our unresolved anger hurts us and those around us.
So, where does most male anger come from? Why are our two primary expressions of anger withdrawal from our relationships or outright meanness? How much energy for creativity gets spent on justifying our behavior and blaming someone else?
How do we step out of this joyless and destructive pattern?
Psychologist Steven Stosny, Ph.D. suggests some answers to these questions that make good sense to me as a man, husband, and father.
First of all, the “why” IS important. To oversimplify, I agree with Stosny that most male anger comes from feeling like a failure in some way as a protector, provider, and/or sexual-lover. More about that next time.
For now, it’s important to note that many of us may have already learned that “anger management” techniques don’t get to the heart of the matter, and so, don’t work for very long.
So what’s the alternative?
One powerful and doable solution: rewire our brains as well as our sons’ brains to think, “These feelings of inadequacy are motivations to be more protective and loving, not punishments for being a bad man who is plain incapable of truly loving someone”, to paraphrase Stosny. Thought-provoking, isn’t it?
Back to Pete Townshend. It’s instructive to note that the phrases preceding “my love is vengeance” are “None of my pain and woe/can show through/but my dreams aren’t as empty/as my conscience seems to be/I have hours/only lonely.” Yes, we, the testosterone driven lone rangers, when we slow down long enough, DO hurt. We DO feel lonely. We DO experience a compelling need to be an important part of the lives of those we’re closest to. And down there in the gut, we HATE feeling like a failure in our relationships. We DO get discouraged. And we resent it.
That’s where we get stuck.
The good news? Most of us guys actually can find lasting fulfillment and self-respect from being successful at being involved with and looking out for those around us. Most of us disconnect from loved ones when we feel inadequate – when we hear from them that we’re falling short. We get all puffed up. We get angry. We miss the opportunity to see being confronted as a signal that we could be more connected, and feel better — if we could afford to listen and reconsider how we look at ourselves.
And then there’s the cruel reality that “an adrenalin rush of anger, like any other amphetamine-effect, always crashes into some level of depression”, as Stosny puts it. And our responses are usually limited to one of two choices – withdraw, or strike out. We truly DON’T know what else to do. So…
We feel worse.
And, sadly, our lives become a joyless drive to get things done, be more successful at something, anything else.
Yeah – it’s a real challenge!
BUT HERE’S THE DEAL – by developing new habits of connecting and rewiring ourselves to think of our loved ones rather than getting self-absorbed, we can discover that, in Stosny’s words, “we feel far more valuable and powerful when compassionate than when angry”. What a paradigm shift! Think about that for a minute — and then imagine this:
“COMPASSION FOR LOVED ONES IS POWER.” Well said, Dr. Stosny.
Wow.
I find that so helpful to consider.
And I find it hopeful that this kind of paradigm shift for us as men is EXACTLY what communities like The Good Men Project is all about.
We are not alone.
Well, that’s just my two cents. Let me know what YOU think!
To “diagnose yourself” — to see if you can relate, ask yourself if you identify with Townshend’s lyric:
No one knows what it’s like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes
No one knows what it’s like
To be hated
To be fated
To telling only lies
But my dreams
They aren’t as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That’s never free
No one knows what it’s like
To feel these feelings
Like I do
And I blame you
No one bites back as hard
On their anger
None of my pain and woe
Can show through
But my dreams
They aren’t as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That’s never free
When my fist clenches, crack it open
Before I use it and lose my cool
When I smile, tell me some bad news
Before I laugh and act like a fool
If I swallow anything evil
Put your finger down my throat
If I shiver, please give me a blanket
Keep me warm, let me wear your coat
No one knows what it’s like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes
Photo: Ami Barwell
I love it – the piece I wrote on music and the male experience of love could be the companion piece to this one! Have you read it, by any chance? Seems we are like minded…