We need to start thinking about manhood differently. And by “we,” I don’t just mean guys—I mean women too. Maybe what’s really going on is more of a role reversal than either men or women realize, or are ready to admit. But denying this reversal won’t help; it can only dig us all deeper into today’s male identity crisis.
Every time I approach major corporations about talking to their employees about what it means to be a good man, they steer me toward their executive women’s group—who, they insist, would be delighted to talk about manhood. When I ask why they don’t have a men’s group, the response is an unsatisfactory combination of legal rules (it could be viewed as illegally discriminatory against women) and pop psychology.
It’s a funny thing about men. We don’t like to complain. In fact, some would say that we don’t really know how to talk about anything other than a box score or stock table. Women have shelf upon shelf of books, and countless magazines devoted to how to juggle conflicting female roles in the modern world. On TV, there’s Oprah, Ellen, and Dr. Phil. Most guys wouldn’t be caught dead watching that stuff, but for many women the magazines, books and TV shows provide a forum to talk through the practical implications of the feminist revolution.
Before I go further, let me say this: I was raised by a mother who burned her bra and who instilled in me the importance of female equality. Nothing I’m about to say is meant to undercut the need for feminism. Women, on average, still do not make as much money as men. Sexual exploitation in the form of pornography and prostitution is a serious problem, and it’s only getting worse. Men control the top spots in politics, corporate America, and entertainment. Much more still needs to be done to rectify these inequalities. But gender politics is not a zero-sum game.
Women have just as much incentive to help guys to figure out the new rules of manhood as men have in supporting women in their quest to overcome the obstacles of overt sexual discrimination.
Many men are in crisis. Most guys I talk to quietly acknowledge that they’re struggling to “do it all.” Sound familiar? That’s what women have faced all along: how to have a career while also being a mom and wife. Well, we want to be more involved as fathers and husbands. But no one has set the workplace bar any lower, so that men have the time they need at home with the family.
Seventy percent of the jobs lost during the most recent recession were held by men. The vast majority of those fighting our wars in Iraq and Afghanistan are men. Generations of boys are growing up without fathers. Boys are falling behind girls in school. Male incarceration and recidivism rates are higher than ever. Divorce laws in many states are grossly unfair to decent, loving dads who want to play a role in their children’s lives.
In spite of this, the media are still consumed with the old feminist battle cry, to the exclusion of the predicament of boys and men. Maybe guys need to complain more publicly about how hard it is to be a good father and husband, and still bring home the bacon. Maybe we should have our own cable network—not for ultimate fighting or pornography, but for guys to talk about trying to do it all while the wife, kids, and boss expect more than ever.
It’s up to us guys to speak out. Certain stereotypical behaviors are killing us: we don’t like to talk much and when we do, we compartmentalize. Maybe it’s some deeply embedded instinct to leave home and go hunt gone awry. But today’s caveman isn’t faring so well. It’s time to learn how to be the same guy at home as we are at work, to integrate the multiple challenges of male life, and to speak to each other candidly about ourselves, rather than suffering silently.
The most macho thing in the world is to be a loving father. To be a faithful husband. To put food on the table. Even more macho is to come clean about how hard it is to try to try to be all those things at the same time. Women have been doing for fifty years. Now it’s our turn.
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Tom Matlack, together with James Houghton and Larry Bean, published an anthology of stories about defining moments in men’s lives — The Good Men Project: Real Stories from the Front Lines of Modern Manhood. It was how the The Good Men Project first began. Want to buy the book? Click here. Want to learn more? Here you go.
About Tom Matlack
I see what you’re saying, and you’re not alone. I’ve heard this from many fathers lately.
The problem is it sounds like whining. I know that won’t be popular, but I think its true. It’s hard for anyone – male or female – to balance work and family. But that’s the nature of the game. We know that going in. So why are we complaining about it now like someone owes us something?
I don’t want to emulate women. I think those talk shows and networks are a waste of time. If I need some support, I have my friends or this online network of dads. Why do we need more?
Maybe I’m being caveman-esque, but I think dads just need to keep on keeping on and be thankful we’re not all sitting around watching Ellen & talking about our feelings all day.
I was lucky enough to have great male role models growing up. When I entered college, I decided to study women’s studies. By the end of four years I had two degrees, one in literature, the other in what I have now begun to call gender studies. Why? Because I focused on constructions of masculinities, how they are affected by social constructions, and, using literary figures, mapped ways that characters sought to reproduce or dismantle masculinity. I learned quickly that men are under just as much pressure to live up to stereotypes of what a “real man” and “breadwinner” should be. You don’t come out of the womb with these attributes; they are taught, learned, and embedded. And more often than not, they can may interfere with one’s ability to be a great man.
While I don’t agree with everything in your article…you are more on the nail then most things I have read. We don’t need a new feminism. We need a genderism that examines everyone’s roles in becoming better people and understanding our issues to make a better place for the children of the next generation.
Interesting argument, Tom. Maybe what is needed is a new masculinism — focused on the breaking of social stereotypes and barriers, rather than legal barriers. Men and women have long colluded to keep “men in their place” just as surely as the reverse has been true. But then, that’s your point.
Hey Daddy Files if you felt I was complaining, that’s is not what I intended here. I was actually just saying that as guys we gotta come clean. Stiff upper lip doesn’t help. I ended up in the gutter, kicked out of the house for living a double or triple life. My whole point has been that women and men communicate differently. Women talk about their emotions where men tend to tell stories, at least from what I can tell. That’s why we have built this whole Project around men’s and boy’s stories.
I do also think that “feminism” while important for women has sometimes caused more separation between genders than is necessary. One of the things I find most fascinating is how engaged women are in our Project. They understand that the mantra that men behave badly is either a symptom of a deeper problem, grossly unfair, or most likely a little of both.
Anyhow just checked out your site…do you think the Celts have a chance? I will be there tonight with my dumb ass green outfit on, being a mindless male in all his glory sitting with my buddies.
No offense but I agree with “Daddy Files.” Given the cruel dynamics of the magazine and book business these days, though, niche marketing is the only way to go so I don’t fault anyone at this site. I still like to read the articles. Peace and blessings always
I am man, hear me whine. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. I, too, would not want to “sit around all day and talk about my feelings,” but I would like the exploration of our (men) feelings to become at the very least a part of the male lexicon. How we feel about stuff is the engine that makes us all run, and we need to acknowledge their existence and the central part in our lives they occupy. “The straw that stirs the drink,” as it were. Sure, a new masculinity is a grand idea and I’m with Roger in hoping that we (or our sons’ generation) achieve that some day. But while we wait for the paint to dry on that idea, let’s consider a new understanding and acceptacen of the old masculinity, and allow biology to instersect with sociology. Despite the popular notion of past generations of men portrayed as kncukle-scraping, insensitive and aloof; they managed to keep on keeping on and handed that down to us; a mantle I am all too willing to accept. Tom, I like your idea of an all-man broadcast entity. Maybe C-Man or the Testosterone Network. I’m just sayin’.
If by “coming clean” you mean address our roles as husbands and fathers, pitch in and do what has traditionally (and inaccurately) been called women’s work, then yes. I agree wholeheartedly. Fathers are much more involved in their kids’ lives than before, and I think that’s a great thing. And yes, there is a fair amount of role reversal going on right now with more stay-at-home dads.
But I’m happy that men and women communicate differently. What would the world be like if we all communicated in the same way? It’d be awful! And, no offense to the lady folk out there, but if we all communicated like women then stock in ear plugs would soar.
Any “ism” automatically causes division. So it’s not surprising that feminism — even among women — is looked at very differently depending upon the individual. I know some “feminists” who use the word “womyn” because they don’t like “men” in the word. Others believe feminism is simply the belief that women should be respected and treated fairly, just like any man would. Personally, I don’t like the term because it takes a common sense idea and turns it into something polarizing. Which is why I hope we don’t come up with an equally controversial term for men.
Now, as to why women are so involved here, I have a theory. And it’s not going to be a popular one, but I’m floating it anyway.
Like you, I’ve noticed the vast majority of my readership consists of women. I think that’s because even though I write with a slant toward fatherhood, it’s still parenting. And women have been the queens of parenting for as long as anyone can remember. And make no mistake, some women are very territorial and often unwilling to give up their Queen Bee status when it comes to handing over the parental reins. When I joined my very first parenting board, I took a lot of crap from women complaining that a man was there “spying” on them. Some left the board because they didn’t feel comfortable talking with a dad around. Others openly told me my opinion wasn’t as valued because I was a dad.
It’s pretty much the reverse battle women have to fight upon entering a male dominated workplace.
I really liked what Paul had to say, and he put it much more succinctly than I ever could. I hear a lot of talk from dads (especially blogging dads) who want the same recognition as women, want companies to court them like they do mommy bloggers, etc. I don’t want any of that. I want to celebrate the difference between men and women. After all, when did being a traditional man/dad turn into such a bad thing?
DF yes I think we agree more than we don’t. I am what most would consider “traditional.” I spent most of my life making money as a venture capitalist. I drank hard. Had three kids. My single biggest hobby in life has been sports, playing them and watching them. But I do find that as men, the “traditional” guys I hang around who are investment bankers and the like, and the guys who are wildly different from me whether inmates in Sing Sing or reporters covering the war in Iraq, there is this unspoken question about manhood. I am using feminism here somewhat to get a reaction. But really the whole ball of wax is to start the conversation that, in my humble opinion, needs to happen amongst men for the sake of our boys, too many of which are growing up without fathers at all or fathers who are checked out. That does not mean that tough guys aren’t invited. In fact some of our contributors are toughest SOB’s you will meet–soldiers, football players, former gang leaders. Just the dialogue here is evidence that we are on the right track. I am not good enough to tell you, or anyone else, how to be a good man. But I am inspired by those willing to talk about it.
Oh, and for the record, I’m not a tough guy at all and I’m far from traditional. Wife makes all the money, I do the majority of kid-care, etc. So I’m not just being obstinate out of some misguided desire to go back to the 1950s, because that is not my life.
And I hope you have better luck at the game tonight than I did on Tuesday. I won’t be there tonight but I’ll be watching. I think the Celtics can still win in 7 games if Rondo is solid throughout and if Pierce/Garnett/Allen decide that any of them are going to step up at the same time. But man Kobe is dangerous.
Right on Bro! I completely agree with the entire premise of this article. I am for better or worse a stay at home Dad with a set of triplets and an 11 year old mercurial big girl who is on the edge of puberty! I do the majority of kid’s work- driving, chauffering, nurse maid, homework, staying home for the summer, cooking dinner etc while my wife works full time. It is unbelievably fulfilling and degrading at the same time. At school pick up the Women mostly snub me as one of the two or three Dads there, my wife’s old fashioned family doesn’t understand that their sibling/daughter is a very succesful woman…I feel somewhere between a social outcast at most functions with the guys cause I don’t have a “real” job yet I lead many big fundraising projects at school. The Women snub me, the men ignore me, but luckily the only person that really counts-my wife- gets it and so do the kids!
I like the discussion this has provoked, and I find it kind of funny that there is back-and-forth banter about sports in the midst of all it.
For the record — I don’t want men to emulate women (nor women to emulate men) either. And I like the idea of “celebrating the differences between men and women.” To me, that’s a big part of what this is all about. I took Tom’s article as more empathetic than whining, and I liked that he was discussing honestly what he sees in the world.
But where on earth did the idea that us women “sit around and talk about our feelings all day?” come from. It’s certainly not something *I* enjoy doing — nor, quite frankly, any women I know. We sit around and talk about everything under the sun, depending on what our mutual interests are — from the way technology is taking over the world and how that affects our children, to the oil spill in the Gulf, to ethical questions about work, to financial planning, to how to do stuff better. I can’t even imagine what a conversation about feelings would *sound* like.
Can someone give me an example of what “talking about our feelings” actually means?
Tom, your premise is a great one. What I do see, is that it highlights the tendency for everyone to start cleaving to one side or the other, whether its the SAHD vs. Caveman, Superwoman vs. Stepford Wife. One thing that makes me nuts about the current debate (if that is what it is) is this strange attraction to putting people into pigeonholes, the implication that you have to be one clearly definable person, or set of roles use to define a person.
“Masculinism” and “Feminism” to me should be based on what DF said about what the belief should be founded on: each gender deserves respect and fair treatment. Not because they are inherently a man or a woman, but because we are all human beings. It is a polarizing idea to create an ‘ism’, because it allows people to stop thinking because they think they know all there is to their own side and the other side. As Paul mentions, ‘mantles’ have been handed down, and I for one, resent having someone tell me I should or need to behave a certain way just because I have testicles.
Do I want to sit around all day and explore my feelings? Not generally. But there are times when it is necessary, and says nothing about a person’s ability to cope when they need to do it. I am newly divorced, newly jobless (thanks, corporate America!) and I know for a fact that NOT exploring and expressing my feelings in the past, or burying them because I thought others would find it inappropriate, cost me my marriage and contributed to me being stuck in mid-level management in a career path I no longer really want. Sucking it up is all well and good, but sometimes that is all it is: a big bucket of suck.
I also am the father of preemie twins, both deceased, and if weren’t for the encouragement of the NICU nurses, I wouldn’t have started writing down what was going on in my head back in 2003. And if not for that, I’d probably have been hospitalized by now. I started blogging as an offshoot in 2008, and found out I was storytelling about grief and depression and trying to be a good dad. Sometimes, yeah, maybe it devolves into whining…but mostly it helps me get a grip on what it means to be a man. And by that, I mean “what it means to me”, not societal “norms”.
All pain and worth is personal, and if someone wants to dismiss me as unmasculine because I say how I feel, or cry when I hear “Amazing Grace” on the bagpipes…to that I say: F*** you. I am who I am, and who I want to be is the best man I can be for my daughter and for my friends and family. Stop judging others for accidents of biology. Be the best PERSON you can be, man or woman.
Lisa:
Good point. I shouldn’t have been so vague. Let me try to explain what I really mean…
Like you said, you sit around with friends and talk about everything. It doesn’t matter what the topic is, you are all talking, listening, chiming in, etc. There is ample conversation and you’re talking about your feelings on all of those topics. I think the way you describe it is true for women in most cases, at least in my own observations.
But in my personal experiences, men don’t do that. Not because we’re emotionally inept, but because we just don’t like to. I know it’s a cliche, but I can sit around with my friends for hours watching TV (usually a sporting event) and only utter a handful of words. Some women think that is fruitless. When I come home from a day with friends, my wife always asked me what we talked about. I usually respond truthfully, and say “nothing.” She’s confused as to how that can be a good time. But I consider it time well spent. Granted if I need to have a deep conversation about something with a guy friend I have no problem with that, but it’s not the norm.
Sorry if it seemed like I was trying to pigeonhole you. That wasn’t my intent. I was just trying to say women share their feelings on everything much more openly (and frequently) than most men.
Well said, Daddy Files!
Not surprised at the sportrs talk interspersed with the enlightened commentary. DNA; it’s a terrible thing to waste.
Thanks Daddy files. That was actually very helpful. So it’s not so much that we’re literally “talking about feelings”, but through discussion are talking about “the way that we feel about stuff that’s happening”. It’s an interesting distinction, one that gave me an “aha” I didn’t have before. Appreciate the insight.
This is a VERY interesting discussion, and I’m damned glad to see it. I’ll have to agree with Daddy Files, and state that I view “isms” as divisive. The philosopher Plato said it best: “I am human, and nothing human is alien to me.”
I think I am in the social minority, being a “tough guy” dad that takes a very active role in parenting. I’m a significant contributor in a soon to be released book about parenting titled “Why Didn’t Anybody Tell Me?” by Rebecca Griffin. (I don’t know the release date, but buy her book. She’s one of the world’s genuinely nice people, and she deserves to have all her hard work rewarded. No, I don’t have any financial stake in book sales.) Anyway, I am a former Marine, a gun owner, an unapologetic carnivore, I swill beer and scratch myself at inappropriate moments, and drive a gas-guzzling 4×4. I’m also usually the only dad at my daughter’s Girl Scout meetings, the only dad at her dance classes, and usually willing to attempt the hair style she wants to wear to school. (Most of the time. I don’t braid.) I live in a small town, and those things are often looked at with suspicion. I don’t really care. I’ve always thought that the most masculine thing in the world was to be a good husband and father. I like my traditionally “macho” role, but I’m not afraid to show a softer side. Even the ancient samurai in Japan were expected to be proficient at the now “feminine” pursuits of art and poetry. Why shouldn’t modern men do the same? It’s OK to be in touch with your inner caveman, but keep him on a leash.
“DNA; it’s a terrible thing to waste” and “swill beer and scratch myself at inappropriate moments” both made me laugh out loud. Thanks guys.
Mike you sound like just my kinda guy. Rock on brother. You girl sound like she has one hellofa dad.
Claire tells me she does. In my opinion, the jury’s still out. I’m making this up as I go.
Wow. I step away from the computer for a few hours and some real dialogue breaks out. Good stuff guys. And Lisa, I hear you. I’ve never heard my wife “talking about feelings.” She’s too busy getting stuff done. The fact that this conversation is taking place says a lot about the chord that GMP has struck. Things are shifting. People are trying to figure out where they fit in this new day. Men and Women are finding new footing. Good or bad doesn’t matter. It just IS. And this kind of dialogue is really cool. Now, halftime is almost over. I’ve got to get back to the TV. And Rondo has got to get it going! Nowhere near a triple double — down 3 at the half — not where I want the Celtics to be!
Rock on people.