Jim Mitchem used to dislike gay people. Now he’s got more gay friends than he knows what to do with.
We didn’t discuss homosexuality in my house growing up. In fact, the first time I even heard the term was on the TV show, “Soap,” which had a gay character named Jodie Dallas, played by Billy Crystal. And although Jodie seemed normal enough, he preferred to have intercourse with men—and, well, that was gross.
So, yeah, I understood why we didn’t talk about homosexuality in our house. Besides, there weren’t any gay people in our neighborhood.
When I joined the Air Force at 18, I had a fear of being in the shower with a gay man during basic training. After all, everyone knew that gay guys couldn’t control themselves and had to have sex whenever other naked males were present. Let’s just say I never dropped the soap.
But, as it turned out, my fears were for naught—as I later learned that there were no gay people in the military.
Years later, I finally encountered a gay man. He was a friend, actually. A really nice guy. Good looking. Great dresser. And I had no idea he was gay. But one night, after we’d hit a few (straight) clubs, we were at his apartment drinking beer when he told me that he was extremely attracted to me and really wanted to have sex.
He then began to cry because he knew that I was straight and that there was no way I was coming over to his side. And there wasn’t. In fact, I was so freaked out by the whole thing that I left his apartment and never talked to him again. But despite my ignorance for another person’s feelings, I learned something valuable that night—that gay people aren’t monsters.
Everything changed for me after that.
♦♦♦
Today, my wife and I joke that we have more gay friends than straight ones. Our daughters have classmates raised by gay couples. To us, gay people are no different than we are (other than they fall in love with people of the same sex). They’re subject to the same fallibilities and emotions as every other human on the planet. Things like cancer and alcoholism, fear and love. Universals like these don’t discriminate because of sexual orientation.
Which brings me to a new campaign supporting the legalization of gay marriage, Let Love Reign. Last fall, a friend introduced me to Catalina Kulczar-Marin, a photographer gifted in capturing the emotion of her subjects that live just below the surface. It turned out that Catalina was fed up with the inequities of the law concerning gay marriage, and she facilitated a photoshoot featuring gay couples engaged in normal, loving interactions.
She asked if I’d be willing to help create a campaign supporting the legalization of gay marriage. I immediately agreed. And after many months, and the help of many people, we’ve officially launched LetLoveReign.org.
I don’t know if gay marriage will ever be legal in most states, but I do know from personal experience that enlightenment goes a long way in overcoming fear. I encourage you to visit the web site to learn more about the campaign, to take action for the legalization of gay marriage, and to get a better understanding of what it must be like to want to spend the rest of your life with another person—but be forbidden from marrying them.
Love doesn’t discriminate. It took me a long time to understand that.
Photo by Catalina Kulczar-Marin.
About Jim Mitchem
Jim,
Great job with this as always. I love reading your stuff and the insight it provides. I will; however, take issue with the notion that love does not discriminate. I think it should and does.Love – and I mean true, selfless, I got your back, I can feel it down to my toes love – only allows those who are open of heart and mind to accept another person in a similar manner. All others need not apply.
Good point, Paul. But it’s really a personal choice to accept. The ‘idea’ doesn’t pick and choose who is affected by it. Because Love still exists out there and rains on everyone.
Jim that is a great post. Times change. I am 42. I grew up in a very naive, insulated semi-bigoted situation. My town was 98% white (italian, irish, jewish mostly) because Joseph Gambino moved to my town in NY in the 60′s. Its now an integrated place. I never was a homophobe but would be lying if I said I was comfortable around the subject when I was younger. But in my 20′s that changed as I worked and got to know gay men and women (Living in LA was a factor).
But I think that has to do with an older generation. My father is 70. He doesn;t think gays should marry. Yet he is a mostly liberal democrat (go figure). I really think its the fear of the unknown that causes problems because once they become known, they cease to be problems.
Great post and makes you human and increases my respect of you since I am only getting to know you. There are always a myriad of boxes to be checked when you get to know someone…and you just had a bunch checked. I am a UNC-G grad and I know there are plenty of uptight folks in NC but that it is changing…just like everywhere else! Cheers!
At least you’ve managed to teach you daughter that God is a man. Which isn’t surprising, given that gay marriage is, at it’s core, a conservative concept, about demonstrating that gays can embrace the values of family, God and country. Count me as one gay man who doesn’t think that your support of same sex marriage makes you an ally.
As a gay man partnered for 12 years with 7 children I say BRAVO! Excellent read and heading to LetLoveReignOrg now
SEVEN children!? How did you cope? One had me about tearing my hair out and he’s a good one. You should win a medal.
Heterosexual allies like you are crucial to the effort to move the ball down the field for same-sex marriage rights. You’re a good man. Bravo.
Was that football metaphor a cliche’d attempt to connect with us heteros? I’m kidding. Thanks.
It was indeed. But I’m a pretty big football fan myself, so it’s all good!
I have to agree with GC. Jim, allies like you are sorely needed.
As far as the generational thing, I see it so much because I work with young people (16-21). They just don’t care, even as much as my generation did (I’m 35). They basically go “so what”. It’s actually refreshing.
I wish that it were true that homophobia is going out of fashion. However, in the last two months, there have been at least ten young men in the news who have kiiled themselves because they were bullied about being gay. It saddens and terrifies me. Let’s agree not to assume that homophobia will disappear on its own. We need to work for equality. Thanks for the work you are doing, Mr. Mitchum.
I’m very proud to live in Iowa, the first state in the nation to legalize gay marriage. The ability of another couple to legally join in matrimony does not negatively impact my own ability to do so. Love is not a threat; love is inclusive and expands.
Love
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
….
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. (edited:
1 Corinthians 13).
Point of clarification:
Massachusetts gets bragging rights.
My apologies – I was wrong.
Same-sex marriage in the U.S. state of Massachusetts began on May 17, 2004, as a result of the Supreme Judicial Court of Massachusetts ruling in Goodridge v. Department of Public Health that it was unconstitutional under the Massachusetts constitution to allow only heterosexual couples to marry.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Same-sex_marriage_in_Massachusetts
In November 2003, the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court ruled that barring same-sex couples from civil marriage was unconstitutional. The Senate then asked the Court for an advisory opinion on the constitutionality of a proposed law that would bar same-sex couples from civil marriage but would create civil unions as a parallel institution, with all the same benefits, protections, rights and responsibilities under law. In February, the Court answered, “segregating same-sex unions from opposite-sex unions cannot possibly be held rationally to advance or preserve” the governmental aim of encouraging “stable adult relationships for the good of the individual and of the community, especially its children.” Under this decision, the state of Massachusetts began issuing marriage licenses to same sex couples in May 2004.
http://www.ncsl.org/default.aspx?tabid=16430
I wasn’t gonna say nothin.
what a great dialogue!
thank you all for being a part of this.
thank you Good Men Project for linking right to our site.
Let Love Reign!!!
-Catalina
Lovely article, I related very well. My father was a homophobe–a quiet, non-shouty type, but fearful of gay folks nonetheless. I joined the GSA at my high school when I was 15 and he refused to allow me to join [it's teaching kids about sex!] until I let it slip that one of my best friends from childhood [who was a very good boy, my parents always trusted him] was gay and the president.
My dad softened after that and has since made a full 180 and sends me articles about LGBT issues all the time.
I think for mostly-reasonable homophobes, like my dad and yourself, really only need to know one gay person before they understand. Thank you so much for sharing such a great story of growth.
All it takes is one person to create a tidal wave of understanding.
Thank you Samantha.
counted. thanks for your comment. it gets pretty sappy when people are always in agreement.
Good stuff Jim. I grew up in a communal living situation in Western Mass (my parents were intellectuals and counter-culture hippies) where lesbians were the norm. In college and then business school I had two different best friends come out to me, I guess because they trusted me with their secret but also because they were, like your story, hoping I wasn’t as straight as I am. Just last night my wife and I went to an elaborate charity event and, thankfully, had our favorite gay couple sitting next to us. Otherwise i might have had to slit my wrists. Which is all to say that I don’t think I am a recovering homophobe, though I certainly recount my share of off-color gay jokes with my gay and straight friends, but I do somehow find gay men often add elements to my life I can’t get from my straight friends.
I am far more off color . Always enjoy your friendship. Had great time last night, glad to hear we made it bareable. It’s all about diversity and respect. You certainly get it.