It’s OK to Be Abandoned

Atalwin Pilon came to terms with the end of a relationship once he realized we were all free.

It’s been a heavy week for me. I met my fear of abandonment when I had to face the painful truth that my relationship is over. It is tough to experience the enormous amounts of pain and sadness that are hiding in our subconscious.

Writing helps getting it out, I cannot recommend it enough. Even the immediate publishing on my blog is a big factor in the healing process. What happens is that something that has been hiding in the shade of my awareness is brought into the open irreversibly and unconditionally. Once it is ‘out there’ the mechanism that surfaced has less grip on me. I liberate myself this way. Seeing a destructive pattern is helpful, sharing it with the world immediately – when it is still hot – is very powerful. This way it becomes very hard for the pattern to sneak back on me.

There are always a few people who worry about me when they read about me going through sadness or pain. I will receive a couple of concerned phone calls or emails, asking me if I’m ‘alright’. Actually, it is the other way around. If you pity me because you can’t relate to the experiences that I describe, if similar stuff never happens to you, you can be pretty sure you are carrying around a lot of emotional garbage. You should give me a call and become a client.

An emotional release works on our system. I received proof of that today as I rode into town on my bicycle for a latte in my favorite Coffee Company store. The last two days I had been working on a huge self conceived writing exercise on the topic of my relationship. I did a lot of mourning about the loss of it. I had realized that I had been suffering from a deep fear of abandonment. Many tears had rolled down my face since last Wednesday.

So I’m riding my bike, minding my own business when all of a sudden I start feeling an enormous amount of love and freedom. It felt like the sun came up in my belly and chest. I realized “it is ok to be abandoned”. It was as if somebody was saying the words gently in my ear. And for the first time I really understood. I started smiling and repeated to myself: “it is ok to be abandoned”. I am a free man! She is a free woman! She is free to love me and she is free to leave me. No strings attached. Literally. Hello?! There are no strings attached! So don’t act like if there are. You have made them up, created them in your mind. That’s delusion.

It’s amazing how much love arises when fear leaves the body. We are constantly strangling ourself and others with strings, chains and ropes, desperately trying to prevent us from experiencing reality because we don’t want to suffer. But when we surrender to all suffering and pain inside us, when we stop fighting it completely and not withhold anything we find forgiveness. We untie. When the strings of fear dissolve only pure love remains. That love is our reality.

I am grateful for all the love and forgiveness I feel flowing through my being. I am grateful for her courage to free herself from me. I would not have realized this step without her. She is a true Bodhisattva. Thank you for the love, darling.

Originally appeared at Basic Goodness.

—Photo Bert Kaufmann/Flickr

About Atalwin Pilon

Atalwin Pilon is a former bad boy from Amsterdam who had an experience of spiritual awakening at 32. Since that moment he committed to the truth and lives from his heart. Currently he is traveling the world on a quest for meaning, aiming to make a difference. Follow him on his blog Basic Goodness, Facebook and Twitter. You can try him out as your life coach too, if his voice speaks to you. Email him. He will be honored.


  1. Mary Mary says:

    We can also feel abandoned even when it’s not a big committed sexual relationship… A longterm spiritual friendship and strong mutual attraction/vibe that sparks desire and longing and even some craving can get stuck in cultural or personal barriers. Like when one day, a dear yogi friend (who is a virgin, amazingly) announces that his mom is all he needs…

    Loving nonattachment is our best friend, ultimately. And relationships are a path of practice.

    In a recent experience I turned to the comforting thought “It’s OK to be abandoned” and it became a segway to “You are never abandoned by Love, no one has that power. ” (though yes, children can and do get abandoned – but I’m talking grown folks here).

    Endless Love arises when fear leaves the body, yes – and it amazes me. This is what adhittana is about… Strong determination, the resolve to keep becoming fully awakened and fearlessly be with everything that arises and passes away.

  2. I’m just wrapping up a sleepless night after coming to terms that my relationship may be coming to an end. It’s been my longest by far, and in all respects she is the most radiant and beautiful woman I’ve had the pleasure of being with.

    This article was unbelievably timely and….well, refreshing. It made me realize how much of a fear I have of being abandoned, or — even worse — replaced. And all along, I think I’ve blamed myself all too often for her reasons for creating distance; I’m sure there’s things I’ve done to exacerbate that, but I needed to recognize that she has every right to choose her own path. If I truly love her, then I can only fight for what’s fair for the both of us, then simply let her go.

    Thank you, Atalwin. I do hope you are able to take comfort that, in the midst of your pain, you’ve helped another man deal with his.

    • You are welcome, brother. Actually this piece was written a while a go. A lot has happened since. But this was my most important insight of 2011. And your feedback proves that a heartfelt message can arrive timely without losing it’s power. I am grateful for that. Take care,


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