A man asks Eli and Josie how to deal with the fact that his girlfriend has had one-night stands and too many partners in the past.
Dear Sexes: I have feel very bad about my girlfriend’s past, I dont mind about the 2 boyfriends but I can’t understand the fact that she had a couple of one night stands, she’s had around 10 guys that she told me, and this bothers me a lot, I think it is very disgusting to have sex with someone that you don’t even know. We are from different countries, I’m from Brazil and she is from Denmark, so we are very different, I love her and know that she enjoy our sex, I just feel very disgusting about this, what should I do?
She Said: First, her sex life before the two of you committed to one another is not about you. It has nothing to do with you. Leave her alone about it.
I want to be compassionate toward you about this, because I can hear that you are feeling really bad about it. But it’s hard for me to do that because this seems really controlling. She is her own person, completely separate from you, and I hate the thought that you’re making her feel bad about sex she had before you were even in the picture. Sure you can ask her why she did it, you can try to figure out what was happening in her psychology when she chose to have some one-night stands, but why does it matter if she’s true to you and good to you now that she’s with you?
The only thing that matters is that you both honor your commitments to one another while you’re together. Get the rest out of your mind, or break up with her and move on. You aren’t doing anyone any good wishing her past were different than it is. Then she can find a truly accepting, loving guy and you can find a girl whose past is more to your liking.
He Said: Do you have a magic eraser by chance? If you do, you can erase your girlfriend’s past, along with her one night stands you don’t approve of. If you don’t have such an eraser, you’re going to just have to accept her for who she is NOW. If she’s a good girlfriend to you, isn’t that the most important thing?
If she’s loving, loyal, and committed to you, isn’t that all you can ask for? Everyone has a past. And most everyone has made decisions they’ve regretted, at some point (I’m not saying your girlfriend should regret her past decisions, but it sounds like you regret them for her). Who knows, if your girlfriend knew everything about your past, she might be disappointed by some of YOUR history. If you’re concerned about the amount of men she’s slept with, then that’s a different conversation, but one you certainly can have. And if you’re so disgusted with her past, practice safe sex (we here at She Said He Said advocate sex safe anyhow).
If you’re interested to know WHY your girlfriend made those decisions, it’s certainly your prerogative to discuss it with her. But if she’s good to you, and you love her, I would try to distract yourself from that part of her past, and focus on (current) issues you can actually fix today. And remember, nobody’s perfect!
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