We’re fixated on infidelity, even entertained by it. But there are worse breaches of trust, unglamorous difficulties that stress and end marriages, problems our society tends to very badly.
The celebrity divorce?
It’s almost impossible to skim an online magazine without news of the latest breakup, usually accompanied by an admission of infidelity.
Our tabloid press—and for that matter, our blogs—can hardly keep up.
A few of the notables include Tiger Woods, Jesse James, Kelsey Grammar, and Arnold Schwarzenegger. And no, it isn’t just the men. I seem to recall Kristen Stewart’s marital mess last summer, though the ladies appear to keep things under wraps more easily.
Infidelity: 1, Monogamy: 0
So we consume the latest articles on monogamy and debate whether or not it’s actually achievable. We hone our sixth sense when a spouse seems less interested in the sack. We rifle drawers and check credit card receipts. We peek at texts and scan emails. We sniff around with a raised eyebrow and churning stomach, and wonder if the dream of a single sexual partner is exactly that: a dream.
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Whatever your value system, if you and your spouse share it, then you’ve got a leg up on making marriage work. You’re more likely to communicate well because you both believe in the importance of doing so.
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And we blame breakups on philandering.
But isn’t the problem something more? Isn’t it the deception? The living with lies? Or more precisely, living with a liar?
I’m tired of reading about infidelity as if it’s the preeminent reason for breaking up a marriage, as if it’s the only global reason we’re able to agree on—perhaps because it’s easy to grasp.
And so we trot out age differences when it’s an older woman and younger man (Demi and Ashton). We cluck our tongues, nattering that it was inevitable that he would sleep with another woman. We look at the sexual liaisons of politicos and celebrities and condemn abuse of power, while shaking our heads at spouses who turn a blind eye.
We judge, we assume, and we really know nothing about these marriages.
We dismiss the possibility of seeds that were planted years before. We dismiss the disconnects of conflicting values.
Reasons for Divorce? You Tell Me
The most common reasons for divorce, according to most sources?
Infidelity typically takes the number one spot. But some of us believe it is a symptom at least as often as a problem in its own right. I recall reading a few years back that “growing apart” had become the most common reason for a marital meltdown.
Growing apart? Is that what we call it – anything and everything that turns us into roommates, strangers, or adversaries?
One source on the web neatly group reasons for divorce into categories. For example, we have communication, conflict management, and sexual intimacy. In other words, our communication sucks, we don’t know how to fight; we divorce because our partners want sex and we don’t, or we want sex and they don’t.
And then there are less clear-cut betrayals: physical or emotional abuse, drug or alcohol addiction, not to mention the emotional affair.
Doesn’t each of these involve a breach of trust? A series of deceptions?
And why do so few ever mention values? Isn’t this at least part of the trouble when we find we have differences in how to raise kids?
Conflicting Values
What if you’re living with someone who believes that nice guys finish last, and anything shy of breaking the law is fair game? What if he – or she – includes minor “infractions” that brush up against the law?
What if you’re living with someone whose political perspective turns out to be more than an issue of voting a different party, but express deeply held beliefs that turn your stomach?
I say: Whatever your value system, if you and your spouse share it, then you’ve got a leg up on making marriage work. You’re more likely to communicate well because you both believe in the importance of doing so. You’re more likely to resolve conflict respectfully because you understand the necessity of open exchange. You’re more likely to share a satisfying sex life because you’re willing to discuss it. Generosity, as a shared value, works in the bedroom just as anyplace else.
Easy breezy answers to marital harmony?
Hardly.
But if your principles and actions constantly clash with those of your spouse, won’t that wear on the union until there’s no union at all?
Lies in Marriage
Some of us stick to the little white lie. Some of us like the occasional whopper. We lie because we can. We lie as a matter of convenience. We lie because it gets us what we want. Or lying may be a learned behavior rooted in childhood survival.
Some lie rarely, and don’t do it very well. Others lie pathologically and may have a talent for it, and by the time we find out, we’re so entangled we wonder if we’ll ever find a way out.
And this brings me back to infidelity.
Frankly, I’m tired of reading about cheating spouses. I’m weary of hearing that a few minutes or hours of sexual intimacy (or release) trumps years of responsibility and shared loving.
Is this a popular stance in American culture?
Not so much. But can we be realistic for a moment and look at the statistics on infidelity which tell us that “one or both spouses admit to infidelity, either physical or emotional,” in 41% of marriages?
Does infidelity damage trust if you’re found out? Obviously.
But absent leading a secret life, absent carrying on serial affairs that put the other spouse’s health (or sanity) at risk, absent a pattern of lying and deception – must infidelity end a marriage?
An affair is a painful breach, but it isn’t the only painful breach. I contend that it’s just as devastating to live with a person whose values you find repellant (not to mention destructive), whose beliefs include a stream of excuses and entitlements, whose behavior may include neglect, abuse, or addiction. Don’t these deserve our attention and examination? Shouldn’t we—as a society—be tending to these problems?
These betrayals, to me, make extramarital sex look like child’s play. Celebrity bed hopping? It’s entertainment for the masses.
This article originally appeared in Daily Plate of Crazy.
Photo by grisel.
About D. A. Wolf
The paradox about infidelity is that sometimes the affair feels “truer” to the cheater than their marriage, or the cheating person feels “like I can really be me” when with the outside person. Sometimes the cheating spouse rationalizes the affair by saying that the affair is a “real relationship” and the marriage relationship is a lie. Ironically, someone who’s having an affair may be constructing this whole web of lies because he thinks he’s protecting something that feels truer. Until it explodes in his face, of course, when Truth with a Capital T opens a can of whoopass.
Sometimes people wrap themselves up in lies, not because they’re pathological but because they’re afraid to look at the truth of their own lives, especially the hard truth about a relationship that’s having a hard time. The affair may be just one result of an even larger problem, which is being out of touch with reality.
D. A. Wolf — no surprise — has opened an important conversation. Infidelity is typically cast as the #1 reason marriages end. As a psychologist, I can attest that misalignment of values and beliefs is often at the forefront of shattered marriages. Looking forward to reading more from this gifted + insightful writer.
Fundamentally one (or likely both) are not getting their needs met – whether it’s sexually or some other misalignment.
I really enjoyed reading this piece. I’m all about open communication with your partner especially more so over time. For women entering perimenopausal age, their testosterone and estrogen levels begin to drop, and this can effect their sex drive and make them want to distant themselves from their partner both physically and emotionally. Stress has similar effects in women. When you feel like this it’s sooo important to talk to your significant other & your doctor to find the right treatment and get your mojo back…
Infidelity and lying are problems, but even more than that is just giving up. Too many couples just throw their hands up and walk away when things get boring, difficult, or uncomfortable. There are a million reasons to end a marriage, and a million more to try and make it work. Ultimately it’s up to each of us to decide what our breaking point is. For some, it’s infidelity – for others, it’s mind-numbing boredom.
@Sharon, I couldn’t agree with you more. Throwing in the towel when the going gets tough – and thinking the grass is greener elsewhere – seems all too common.
This is, quite frankly, one of the many reasons why I refuse to marry. That is not to say that infidelity cannot occur in any relationship but I feel as though the added pressure of feeling “obligated” to stay does not bring out the best in people. I think when two people feel like they are choosing to be together, that freedom makes the desire to cheat less appealing.
@SidneyAnne – Under what circumstances would infidelity automatically make you walk? Or for that matter, keep you in the relationship and rebuilding?
I can honestly say that infidelity would always make me walk because, for me, once a trust has been broken it can never be rebuilt. There are many things that I can endure in a relationship and work on – sex, communication (or lack thereof), the list goes on and on but I cannot endure perpetual lies and cheating because I would never be able to rebuild the trust and I could not be in a relationship without it.
Many feel the way you do. And I understand. Does the picture change if you have 5 years in? 10 years in and a child or two? 20 years and a history with each other that makes the two of you feel like a family unit?
I pose these hypotheticals not because I condone infidelity, but because the statistics tell us tht it’s so prevalent, and I wonder if it always has been, but we didn’t have the data – or an “out?”
More from the statistics I cite in the article:
Percentage of men who say they would have an affair if they knew they would never get caught: 74 %
Percentage of women who say they would have an affair if they knew they would never get caught: 68 %
What does that suggest about issues of monogamy, the need for variety (for some more than others), lack of affection or simply attention?
If I understand you then, SidneyAnne, any significant breach of trust would do it for you, not just infidelity?
Yes, for me any significant betrayal of trust is a “deal breaker”. Of course, it would have to be significant.
To your earlier point, I did end a 7yr relationship (living together) due to a lack of trust. I am willing to end something long-term. However, I do not have children so I cannot speak from experience on that issue. My sister is marriage for fifteen years with 3 children and is extremely unhappy. Both have strayed from the relationship at different times and, though I don’t have children, I cannot honestly say that I believe the children are benefiting from their having remained together.
People who aren’t married and think their relationships are on the same level as a marriage just because they “don’t need a piece of paper” are always good for a laugh.
Must have been nice to just pick up and end your 7 year relationship because of “lack of trust” without social, legal, or financial consequences.
I frequent a sports related message board and a popular thread is complaints about wives. One guy said (and I’m paraphrasing here) “all you guys here complaining about your girlfriends are like kids playing Little League baseball. Marriage is like the 7th game of the World Series every single day”
and that’s why your idea of a “deal breaker’ doesn’t translate well to marriage. If you don’t want to be married, that’s fine, but don’t for a second believe the stakes are even as close to being the same in your relationship as they are in a marriage.
I think it is a common mistake peiple make when they assume people who live together don’t own property, etc but, in fact, we did and our legal battles were (with the ecception of custody) just as taxing as those of a married couple. We, too, had both financial and legal consequences. Perhaps that will be of some consolation to you.
but don’t for a second believe the stakes are even as close to being the same in your relationship as they are in a marriage
Having gone to church or otherwise gone through a marriage ceremony changes very little on the practical side of things. People in committed, longterm relationshiips have the same stakes, the same challenges, and the same complications breaking up, no matter if they are married or not.
What make the stakes go up is not marriage; it’s having children, owning a house, and all the other complications that come with family life.
To those with sweeping comments or ideas about how D.A. Wolf has presented evidence here that one thing is always another: http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/your-marriage-isnt-typical/
After reading your article, I understand your point but I think we are talking apples and oranges here.
When I was younger, I used to say that if my partner ever cheated on me it would immediately be over. Now, after almost twenty-three years of marriage and three children later, I’m not so sure. I wouldn’t be happy about it obviously, but to just throw everything away so quickly, I don’t know if I could (or would) do that.
As a long time married couple, there are so many difficult things to deal with. It’s about managing conflict, and knowing that you can’t always have things your way. There will always be bad, but I believe people break up when the bad starts to outweigh the good. You’ve got to find the good and keep it going.
For me, there are worst things than cheating in a marriage. I lived in a violent marriage for years, trapped because I didn’t have what it took to leave with my children. Of course, I finally did. But it isn’t always violence – I know several women and men who have partners who are verbally abusive, critical, or just plain ol’ unloving. Long years of living in that environment can destroy people’s souls. Since I have that experience I clearly can say that I might be able to find my way to forgive infidelity if my husband continued to be the loving, kind, and supportive man he is. But that’s just me….to each his own. Virginia- FirstClassWoman
This article explains so well the underlying issue so many of us face…the affair is often the final straw, but when we look honestly we know there’s so much more that damaged the relationship. In my opinion, before there’s an affair there’s a disconnect by one or both partners. Someone has stopped trying, whether they’re aware of it or not, whether it’s appropriate or not. The affair happens because someone has started caring more for themselves than the rest of the family. The affair may be the final straw but you can be certain there was deception and betrayal before that act. The betrayal, deception, and disconnection are the hurdles to get beyond for the marriage to last. Most couples simply can’t make that repair.
I can’t imagine what I would do if my wife cheated on me. After 39 years of marriage, I’m not sure what I would do and to be honest, it’s something that never entered my mind and more then likely never will. I have complete trust in my wife. In the past 39 years, we’ve had some really tough times in our marriage but we made a commitment for better and for worse, we’d stay together.
Personally, I think the problem is that so called “matrimonial commitment,” people are not truly committed. We don’t blink an eye when we hear about someone breaking up…. It’s become no big deal these days. People getting married these days appear to have an “out” whenever they want. Back when I was married, unless there were things like infidelity and/or serious abuse, people stayed together and worked it out. “No fault divorce” is a prime example of how people (society) view marriage.
I like that the writer mentioned Hollywood break-ups. For one thing, people care way too much about these actors/actresses lives. I give a rats ass what Demi does. I give a rats ass what Tiger Wood does in his personal life. And we wonder why kids are struggling with role models? They look at these people as though they’re such great moral people? As they sit in their multimillion dollar mansions, drive their $200,000 cars and walking the red carpet in their $5000 dresses and designer tuxedos, many live shallow lives surrounding themselves with glamour and bling. Oh yeah, that’s the role model we want, right?
@Tom B – Wise words. “Matrimonial commitment,” and commitment in general. We seem to have lost touch with fundamentals.
Infidelity is a symptom of something that’s already broken. I’m a firm believer of that. Two happy people don’t even have eyes for anyone else, let alone their bodies. I know it seems simplistic of me to say, but I speak solely from my own experience.
Idealistic and simplistic at best! Please. I am a happily married woman but that doesn’t mean that I am dead. I still get attracted to people. Doesn’t mean I don’t love my husband. And it doesn’t mean that I can’t control my actions. Infidelity is not a symptom of something broken in all people. It just is what it is. Some people are horny and can’t control themselves.
Great post D.A. I agree – aligned values are what marriage is all about. I have seen the same thing when it comes to overwork. People who put the company first are looking for trouble when it comes to their marriage – enter the surprise divorce. And sometimes people who are working too much are avoiding a bad marriage.