I’m In Love with My Close Friend

Is pursuing a relationship with a close friend worth a second shot?

Dear Sexes: I’ve been close friends with a guy that I met almost four years ago, and who I’ve had a crush on since the moment I met. Originally, he had liked me as well, an afterfact I was only exposed to recently, but he did not want to pursue a relationship at the time. He moved on to a girl completely different than myself in the second year of our friendship, but he was friendzoned in that pursuit. In that time, I convinced everyone that I was over him. I was wondering if I should try again.

She Said: This is love, my friend. At least potentially. Always try again when it comes to exploring love.

What’s the worst that could happen? He tells you that you guys are just meant to be friends? So what? You guys have already been down this road and survived it, you’ll survive it again, as long as you’re cool and respectful about it.

What’s the best that could happen? Love! With someone you know well, whom you like a lot. That’s worth risking almost anything…

He Said: Go after what you want!  If you don’t try, you’ll never know what might have been.  Who knows, maybe you and your “friend’s” timing was just off the first time around?  However, if you do decide to leave the friend zone for a journey down lovers lane, you should keep a few things in mind:  denial is not just a river in Egypt!  The first time around he liked you, but he didn’t like you enough to get involved with you?  In my experience, crushes that aren’t divulged in the present tense of when they’re felt, don’t really count as crushes.   He was interested in a girl completely different from you (while you and your friendship were right in front of him)?  Maybe you’re just not his type.  He wasn’t interested in having a relationship (with you), but he was (with someone else)?

I’m sorry if I’ve taken all the air out of your love balloon, but sometimes love (and the truth) hurts.  Regardless, we here at She Said He Said are proponents of chasing down your dreams, so… go try and get your man!  Just remember, whatever the both of you did wrong last time, don’t do that this time around.

If you have a question for Josie and Eli, ask it here.

Originally published at SheSaidHeSaid.

—Photo Rhys Asplundh/Flickr

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About She Said He Said

Eli and Josie, friends since college, realized how lucky they were to have one another—an honest friend of the opposite sex who tells it like it is. They wanted to share that with the world and so www.shesaidhesaid.me was born.

Comments

  1. Just an add-on: We’ve all seen it happen where good friends become lovers, but pay close attention to if it seems like he may have some feelings too. Guys are straightforward, if he’s attracted to you’ll be able to tell.

    • I think that’s true, but what do you think are the signs? Sometimes I think guys aren’t given enough credit for thinking about everyone’s feelings in a situation – to a degree that they might be hiding the “signs”…

    • This has actually not been my experience at all. In my experience and in the experience of some of my good friends, when it comes to the weird friendship/relationship area, guys have a tendency not to communicate. My first serious relationship started months after I had already told the guy I was into him. He spent months stuck in his own head, trying to figure out how he felt about the whole thing without communicating with me at all about it, despite the fact that we were good friends. When we eventually did get together, he told me he had been hesitating because he “wasn’t sure if I liked him”… despite the fact that I had explicitly TOLD him that I did.

      So yes, I agree with Joanna, some guys are perfectly capable of hiding the signs!

      • It’s a scary feeling when you realize someone likes you more than you like them and you’ve already progressed into some form of a relationship. Not wanting to hurt them and unsure of what to do, I had restless nights on how to break it to someone easy but sometimes that truth is going to hurt anyway. I wonder how many men and women go along with someone because they’re too afraid to hurt someone with the truth? I ended it quick once I realized it had to be done, I’d never feel the same for her and she deserved to find someone better. Luckily she did a year later and it was truuue lovee.

    • @Max: “Guys are straightforward, if he’s attracted to you’ll be able to tell.”

      Oh my, the mind-numbing power of stereotypes! ;)
      Think about poets, philosophers, nerds, computer programmers… these guys are males, but not straightforward at all. And even when a guy IS straightforward, maybe he lacks the necessary emotional intelligence to handle – and express – his own emotions. Especially when he’s in love.

      The most we want someone, the most fearful we are of rejection. So attraction sometimes works backwards.
      All in all, human being are waaaay complicated, and this is true for any gender. :)

  2. rob crawford says:

    In marriage, you need both love and friendship. Because passion rarely lasts, in fact friendship can be a far more solid basis for relationship survival. I would say, take the chance and be open with your feelings. We must always accept the risk as worth it.

  3. Leroy Joseph says:

    My father asked my mother to marry him on their first date. She told him to slow down a bit and let’s date for 6 months and then revisit the proposal. Which they did or I wouldn’t be here.

    I am kind like my father. If I fall for a women, I go crazy for her and couldn’t possibly hide my feelings. I fell in love with my wife really quickly, but she is much more cautious then me. She made me wait. I dated her for 3 years before we finally got engaged and then we got married about a year later. She even made me get down on my knees when I asked her. She is a smart woman :)

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