My Girlfriend Thinks I Want Someone Else

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About She Said He Said

Eli and Josie, friends since college, realized how lucky they were to have one another—an honest friend of the opposite sex who tells it like it is. They wanted to share that with the world and so www.shesaidhesaid.me was born.

Comments

  1. wellokaythen says:

    You will never be able to prove a negative, and there’s no magic solution that will make her trust you overnight, but there may be small, concrete things you could do that could make a big difference. If you’re interested in reassuring her, tell her that you want to reassure her but you need her help. Ask her if there is something specific you can do that would help her feel more comfortable. If she has no answer or says there is nothing you could do, then she has some homework to do. She may need to think about that a little before she answers, so be there to listen for the subject to come up again. If she expects you to just guess or makes you feel bad for asking such a thing, then you are not in a real relationship with a peer.

    And, don’t say anything that’s not true, whether it seems like the “right answer” or not.

    • Agreed. If she has trust issues and you’ve done nothing to warrant them, it’s HER problem and not yours. Tell her honestly that you’re not interested in the roommate. If that’s not good enough for her, move on to someone worth your time.

    • If the only thing going on is that you think the roommate is attractive, and your girlfriend can’t accept that normal, internal thing inside you, then she has unrealistic expectations. I’m not talking about flirting or staring or other actions that you need to knock off. That’s out of line. If there’s a basic fact that you *think* the roommate is attractive, and that’s the only problem, then your girlfriend is out of touch. There’s no need to *volunteer*the fact that the roommate is attractive, but if your girlfriend asks you point-blank then you have to be honest.

      • Women are hypocrites. Just sayin’. We look at men we find attractive all the time, and sometimes we look at your friends too. Just like you do. So women have to grow up a little to understand that it’s okay if their men find other people attractive. They need to be honest with themselves and recognize that they do the same thing, and being a hypocrite is bad. That’s why I don’t care if my guy watches porn, because I do too.

        But, I understand if she’s upset if this guy is engaging with or acting on an attraction to The Roommate. While he might be saying one thing with words, he’s saying something different with his actions. I was taught that words have power and meaning, but most people don’t live by that rule. So if the asker isn’t backing up what he says with clear actions, it’ll be really hard for his girlfriend (assuming she doesn’t have trust issues) to believe him.

        Otherwise, if he doesn’t engage in interaction with this girl at all and his girlfriend is still upset, then she has trust issues to work out.

    • WellOkayThen, that is some of the best advice I have seen around here from the member comments. Great job.

  2. P.S. The best thing that relationship advice columnists can say in just about every case is: “Why are you asking us? We’re not her. Talk to HER about it.”

    • Seriously, That Guy, you nailed it on the head. I should go through our blog and find out how many times Eli or I have written, “You need to talk about this” or “ask her what she wants”…

      But it isn’t just in advice columns, it’s in real life too. Often when people ask questions to one another – in person or online – it’s because they don’t know HOW to talk to their partner about things. Often they need suggestions on how to start that conversation.

      Why are we, as humans, so afraid of talking to our mates and asking them questions? I think it’s because we’re terrified of how they might respond. If we can keep guessing what’s happening, we get to be in control and don’t have to fear something unpredictable.

  3. Transhuman says:

    If your girlfriend cannot trust you on this matter then I think asking her to move in with you is foolish. it places you at unnecessary risk when there is demonstrably little basis for mutual trust. There is also the possibility your girlfriend sees her ‘nympho’ room mate as an opportunity to advance the prospect of moving in with you to allay her “fears” you are keen on her room mate.

    I think placing yourself in the position of solving a non-existent problem for your girlfriend might develop a poor dynamic; it might seem romantic to make sacrifices for your girlfriend, the white knight urge can be hard to unlearn, but it removes any responsibility for managing her emotions from your girlfriend and transfers them to you. it would be better to help your girlfriend to mature and learn to handle her own fears and insecurities.

  4. reg schroeder says:

    Seems to me if this girlfriend feels this way she should confront the roomate not her boyfriend.

  5. reg schroeder says:

    and the reason we don’t talk to each other about problems is the risk involved in confrontation. Often, we debate whether our feelings are “long term” or just a moody moment that is not worth the fall out. I think you need to pick your fights carefully.

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