My Girlfriend Thinks I Want Someone Else

How do I convince her I’m not interested in her roommate?

Dear Sexes: Hey guys, so my girlfriend lives with this girl who is borderline nympho. She has a boyfriend, who’s a deusch and she also has a “girlfriend” that is reminiscent of Justin Bieber. Needless to say she is a little bit whacky. My girlfriend is convinced this girl has a major thing for me and feels like she is trying to sabotage our relationship. I have no interest in this girl, but can’t seem to convince my girlfriend. How do I convince my girlfriend I don’t want anything to do with this girl?

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She Said:  I wish we were on the radio or podcast here, because I have a ton more questions than I have answers! First, what makes her a nympho? She loves sex? She has tons of sex? Nothing inherently wrong with that, as long as she’s happy and true to herself. So I’m going to toss out the word “nympho” and just call her The Roommate, it’s just so much less charged with politics and dirtiness.

You cannot control how your girlfriend is reacting to The Roommate, Justin Beiber, or the “deusche” aka The Douche (at first I thought you were saying he was German). Be as true and respectful as you can, and don’t throw hints at The Roommate, if you are. Don’t flirt, don’t even flirt back. Regard her as you would a 90 year old grandmother or a nun. Reassure your girlfriend that you’re true to her, but be sure your actions are backing that up.

Above all, if your girlfriend is insecure and you’re TRULY being honest and respectful (seriously!), there’s not much you can do except hope she gets a new living situation.

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He Said: Have your girlfriend move in with you. Then you don’t have to see nympho roommate, and your girlfriend doesn’t have to worry about her liking you. Seriously though, maybe your girlfriend has trust issues, or maybe it’s just, living with a nympho has made her paranoid that her roommate will have sex with anyone she can get her hands on—like you. For some reason, I get the funny feeling you like the roommate’s attention.

If you really have no interest in the roommate, and if you really want to reassure your girlfriend (who seems to need the reassuring), interact as little as possible with the nympho. Silence would be best (though not always possible), but bare-minimum cordiality will do. If the roommate engages you, you disengage politely. If she asks you a question, you answer in as few words as possible. And don’t go out of your way to ask her questions.  In short, don’t be too nice.  Sometimes niceness is mistaken for interest. And a nympho might mistake that friendliness for an invitation to a party (in your pants).

Maybe you and your girlfriend should have a public display of affection, in front of the roommate, so she knows where she stands—she’s the third wheel, not invited to the party that is you and your girlfriend.  Unfortunately, this plan could also backfire, and the sex fiend could become even more aroused. When does your girlfriend’s lease expire?!?

If you have a question for Josie and Eli, ask it here.

Originally appeared at SheSaidHeSaid.

—Photo andronicusmax/Flickr

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About She Said He Said

Eli and Josie, friends since college, realized how lucky they were to have one another—an honest friend of the opposite sex who tells it like it is. They wanted to share that with the world and so www.shesaidhesaid.me was born.

Comments

  1. wellokaythen says:

    You will never be able to prove a negative, and there’s no magic solution that will make her trust you overnight, but there may be small, concrete things you could do that could make a big difference. If you’re interested in reassuring her, tell her that you want to reassure her but you need her help. Ask her if there is something specific you can do that would help her feel more comfortable. If she has no answer or says there is nothing you could do, then she has some homework to do. She may need to think about that a little before she answers, so be there to listen for the subject to come up again. If she expects you to just guess or makes you feel bad for asking such a thing, then you are not in a real relationship with a peer.

    And, don’t say anything that’s not true, whether it seems like the “right answer” or not.

    • Agreed. If she has trust issues and you’ve done nothing to warrant them, it’s HER problem and not yours. Tell her honestly that you’re not interested in the roommate. If that’s not good enough for her, move on to someone worth your time.

    • If the only thing going on is that you think the roommate is attractive, and your girlfriend can’t accept that normal, internal thing inside you, then she has unrealistic expectations. I’m not talking about flirting or staring or other actions that you need to knock off. That’s out of line. If there’s a basic fact that you *think* the roommate is attractive, and that’s the only problem, then your girlfriend is out of touch. There’s no need to *volunteer*the fact that the roommate is attractive, but if your girlfriend asks you point-blank then you have to be honest.

      • Women are hypocrites. Just sayin’. We look at men we find attractive all the time, and sometimes we look at your friends too. Just like you do. So women have to grow up a little to understand that it’s okay if their men find other people attractive. They need to be honest with themselves and recognize that they do the same thing, and being a hypocrite is bad. That’s why I don’t care if my guy watches porn, because I do too.

        But, I understand if she’s upset if this guy is engaging with or acting on an attraction to The Roommate. While he might be saying one thing with words, he’s saying something different with his actions. I was taught that words have power and meaning, but most people don’t live by that rule. So if the asker isn’t backing up what he says with clear actions, it’ll be really hard for his girlfriend (assuming she doesn’t have trust issues) to believe him.

        Otherwise, if he doesn’t engage in interaction with this girl at all and his girlfriend is still upset, then she has trust issues to work out.

    • WellOkayThen, that is some of the best advice I have seen around here from the member comments. Great job.

  2. P.S. The best thing that relationship advice columnists can say in just about every case is: “Why are you asking us? We’re not her. Talk to HER about it.”

    • Seriously, That Guy, you nailed it on the head. I should go through our blog and find out how many times Eli or I have written, “You need to talk about this” or “ask her what she wants”…

      But it isn’t just in advice columns, it’s in real life too. Often when people ask questions to one another – in person or online – it’s because they don’t know HOW to talk to their partner about things. Often they need suggestions on how to start that conversation.

      Why are we, as humans, so afraid of talking to our mates and asking them questions? I think it’s because we’re terrified of how they might respond. If we can keep guessing what’s happening, we get to be in control and don’t have to fear something unpredictable.

  3. Transhuman says:

    If your girlfriend cannot trust you on this matter then I think asking her to move in with you is foolish. it places you at unnecessary risk when there is demonstrably little basis for mutual trust. There is also the possibility your girlfriend sees her ‘nympho’ room mate as an opportunity to advance the prospect of moving in with you to allay her “fears” you are keen on her room mate.

    I think placing yourself in the position of solving a non-existent problem for your girlfriend might develop a poor dynamic; it might seem romantic to make sacrifices for your girlfriend, the white knight urge can be hard to unlearn, but it removes any responsibility for managing her emotions from your girlfriend and transfers them to you. it would be better to help your girlfriend to mature and learn to handle her own fears and insecurities.

  4. reg schroeder says:

    Seems to me if this girlfriend feels this way she should confront the roomate not her boyfriend.

  5. reg schroeder says:

    and the reason we don’t talk to each other about problems is the risk involved in confrontation. Often, we debate whether our feelings are “long term” or just a moody moment that is not worth the fall out. I think you need to pick your fights carefully.

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