When Men Are the Victims of Abuse

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About Ron Mattocks

Author Ron Mattocks is a father of three boys and two stepdaughters. After losing his job and becoming a stay-at-home father, he started the blog Clark Kent's Lunchbox, which eventually became the basis for his book, Sugar Milk: What One Dad Drinks When He Can't Afford Vodka. Ron lives with his wife Ashley in Houston, Texas; he sneaks off to the comic book store whenever possible.

Comments

  1. Well, not to get all Jungian psych, but the more I have been thinking about this the more I am reminded about the problem of projection at the heart of relationship difficulties between two individuals and at the heart of social demonization of entire groups of people.

  2. Are you serious?? I have known your ex-wife for 30 years and you are crazy. YOU were physically abusive to her before your marriage and continued after you were married. Why would you post lies about her. She is a whopping 90lbs and is so mild mannered and loved by everyone that has met her, except you. She has single-handed raised your 3 boys with 0% financial help from you because you are unemployed. Maybe she should receive some of the royalities from your book since so many people believe your lies. If you are such a good dad, maybe you should start a college fund for your boys, or does she have to pay for that too??
    Grow up Ron and leave your past in the past and stop making money off of her pain.
    TO ALL RON FANS…he is a liar and fraud. Take his books for what they are…Fiction. I wish you were the man you claim to be.

    • Forgive me Erin, I don’t believe I know you which, in turn, probably means you don’t know me either except through my ex-wife. This being the case, I realize nothing I say in response to your comment is likely to change your mind; however, I’m going to do it anyway.

      1) Except for the incident mentioned in the article, I never laid a hand on my ex wife–broke things, threw glasses, screamed and yelled, yes–but never touched her. That of course is my word against hers so let’s move. The marriage counselor we went documented all of this. We also each saw this counselor one-on-one for a number of sessions, and if there actually was any physical abuse, it’s likely that would’ve come out at some point during the nearly 3 years of sessions. I’ve continued to see this counselor over the past 7 years. He knows the entire history and he’s the one who suggested that I was a victim.

      2) She has not raised the boys single-handedly, and if she thinks she has done so, it’s only because she limits my access to them. Case in point: last summer when I had to threaten legal action to get my boys for the full time designated in the divorce decree. There are more examples, but this restrictive behavior is known as Parental Alienation and it’s considered a form of child abuse. I will say, though, that in the past year she has loosened up a bit, but there are still restrictions placed on me.

      3) True, after paying her $34,000 annually in child support & spousal support (an amount that exceeded the state’s maximum threshold), I lost my job and could only afford to pay $100/ month until the court could legally adjust my support payments. Once the court did this, I had the difference of what I owed in back support pro-rated and added to my current monthly payments (which by the way, was calculated at a rate 20% higher than what I make). So, by all accounts, I am not only meeting my obligation, I’m exceeding it. Since I have your personal email now, I will be happy to send you copies from the Attorney General’s office that will verify all of the above. Also through this entire period-both with & without a job-I never missed a premium payment on the $1 million dollar life insurance policy I’m required to carry for the boys, and I continued to provide them with full medical coverage.

      4) I will be happy to forward copies of all the royalty checks from my book. Try not to laugh when you see them. A common misconception is that everyone makes money from books. Not so. Lesson learned: for my next book, I plan to incorporate a boy wizard prodigy as well as several angst-ridden teen vampires and werewolves. That way I may stand a better chance of making enough money for a meal at Denny’s once a quarter. I would also like to send you a signed copy of my current book so you can read it for yourself.

      5) I haven’t started a college fund for the boys—not officially anyway. I do have a small savings account in their names, though. There’s not much to speak of in it, but I’ll forward you copies of the statements. And if it would help, I’ll send you copies of all my tax returns over the past several years. I’m entirely serious on producing this or any of the evidence I’ve offered.

      I’ve addressed your specific comments above and if I had the room in the comments I’d have a few questions for you about some more details you’re probably not privy to. But I’ll leave those alone for now. In any case, what I have shared with you are documented facts—not hearsay, not conjecture, not an emotional outburst. For as long as I’ve been writing, I’ve known never to publically publish anything of this nature unless it can be proven. Or as the old maxim goes: Never bring a knife to a gun fight.

      If I am a fraud and a liar, then so be it. You’re my ex’s friend, I’m guessing, so naturally you’re going to say this. I suppose it is possible to fool people with writing, but you can’t do it forever. But by the same token, I suppose it’s also possible to fool the people who you call your friends, but can’t do that forever either. Time will tell.

    • Erin, you are obviously one of the god-awful defenders/apologists for abusive women that is referred to in this essay. I have nothing but sympathy for the men and boys in your life that must tolerate your cringe-worthy existence.

  3. Thank you for sharing something so personal!

    I don’t believe it should be “when men are abused” or “when women are abused.” It should be “when people are abused” because the same things happen to everyone. Victims blame themselves. Others blame them. They have limited resources. They keep coming back because they can’t see things in perspective.

    Women and men are not so different. We are all the same. Abuse is abuse! And it has to be stopped.

    Again. thank you for your thoughts! Thank you for spreading abuse awareness.

  4. He emerges from the shadows,
    his eyes full of light
    and mystery,
    and holds out to me
    his heart in trembling hands.

    ~Galen Gillotte

    One of my very best and dearest friends is an abused husband-emotional AND physical-he has recorded evidence and is still not believed by the “law”. I thank you for sharing this very difficult and most personal of experiences in public. You may not feel manly by doing so, but in my eyes you are more so than you realize. :)

    Blessings on you and your family,
    ~b~

  5. “…a perceived risk that such a disclosure would be dismissed coming from the man and more than likely would be turned against him, leading to false allegations and possibly even an arrest—a situation referred to as “victim blaming.”

    This is not a perceived risk. This is a real fear. I have been a victim myself. On the night my ex and I broke up (initiated by me) she tried convincing me I had no life without her, then proceeded to break some of my belongings in our house. I called the police and she started to say “Don’t hit me, don’t hit me’ as I was on the phone with the 911 operator.

    Then she went into the kitchen and pulled a 12 inch knife on me while I was on the phone with the 911 operator. I ran outside and she put the knife up before the police arrived.

    After talking to both of us the police said I had to leave because I had family in town. I refused because she had friends she could go to and she was breaking things in the house. The police then told me I had to leave or I was being arrested.

    I am all too aware of the stigma of the male being at fault for any anger, argument, or upset in a domestic issue with a women. I couldn’t (and still don’t ) trust the authorities to protect me in a situation like this. It has made me a highly distrustful and cynical person.

    I know that not all women will behave like this. But the fact that remains is that it could have only been that one that might have sent me to prison for being a victim, not a perpetrator.

    I’ve discussed this on other websites before and no one cares. Like Emily says, there is no support for men. In retrospect it seems hypocritical and sadly, normal. Men are always expected to take care of themselves and others, forsaking themselves sometimes. The disparity of support for men and women reflect this.

  6. Brian Smith says:

    Wow! Great article. Reading it brought back a lot of memories from my own past as a victim of a wifes abuses. I was punched many times and the mental abuse was even more painful. To this day I still dont know what kept me from the suicide that was always on my mind. 30 years ago and I’m still messed up.

  7. its been 18 months since i came out of an abusive relationship.she abused me emotionally,physically and abusively.
    it was only after having counselling that i realised she was suffering from a narcisstic personality disorder.
    she constantly lied to me,had several affairs,and finally stripped me of every possession i owned.
    she beat me with a bat,and then had me arrested for domestic violence.the law only listens to the womans side of the story. the man is presumed guilty.
    i dont consider myself as a weak man,only that i was brought up to respect a woman.so,i took whatever was thrown at me for my childs sake.
    i just thank God that i am no longer controlled by her.

  8. david j adkins says:

    My real-life example of parental alienation syndrome. Warning, strong language.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MPpm4Gyi1jk

  9. I have one question. Where the hell is Amanda Marcotte? I wonder what she has to say about all this. Or perhaps she’d just rather not hear it.

  10. Thank you for posting this article – which i know was over a year ago. It’s funny what you find on the web when you search for information for abused men. Clearly there aren’t a lot of information. I applaud your strength in writing this story – it moved me. Though your situation is probably 1000x worse than anything I have had to go through, I know what it feels to lose control and get angry (I never got like this ever before). It’s something with the way she phrases things, words things, always accusing always blaming. She will always be an angel to her supporters because she has a way to twist things, exaggerate, and seek the sympathy of others against you. Thank you for being strong, and thank you for starting the converstaion.

  11. I see that this article is quite old, but I feel compelled to write anyway. As an activist against ALL forms of domestic violence, I stand with you, Ron. As I say to those – mainly women – who come to me for advice and support, please work at actively moving forward from “just surviving” to THRIVING. God/dess bless you and your (new) wife. May you find peace, joy and prosperity. Namaste.

  12. hi…. even though old the article is stimulating….. i myself am facing this kind of narcissistic abuse from my wife and in laws and cant seem to find a way to convince them that they are wrong…. it can be torturous …. can u suggest of ways of solving these issues without much ado….. if divorce can be avioded then i would be happier….

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