Alex Mills discusses how the language that degrades women is also profoundly hurting men.
In primary school we hear:
“Stop being such a girl.”
In high school it’s:
“He’s gone soft”, “Suck it up, princess”, “What a pussy.”
On Saturday night:
“Don’t be a weak cunt”, “She must be on her rags”, “You blokes have all gone fucking soft.”
Whether male or female, 18 years old or 50 – at some point in our lives, we have all been told to man up, grow a pair, suck it up, or stop being a pussy. These terms comprise the unofficial score card by which so many of our actions and behaviors are judged. They begin in the playground, weave their way through school culture, and define the language we take with us – out into the world.
These words – these insults – come from somewhere deep within our culture. From the pub to the sporting field, in our media and our social circles – at every turn, our language reinforces the notion that men are tough, emotionally barren, endlessly resilient. Women are submissive and nurturing. They are highly emotional, and deeply sensitive. Women have feelings. Men have balls.

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Some argue this language is just an extension of biology; that men and women have separate and distinct characteristics, particularly where emotions are involved. This is the natural order, and challenging notions of gender roles would be challenging nature itself.
The reality, of course, is that we have created these roles and rules for ourselves. Every time we perpetuate these rigid notions of gender – either overtly, or through casual language – we are reinforcing a system which hasn’t benefited any of us for a very, very long time.
We know now, for example, that a belief in rigid gender roles are a contributing factor in men’s violence against women. Domestic violence is far more prevalent in relationships where one or both partners enforce narrow definitions of their gendered responsibilities, particularly where child rearing is involved. (Hattery, A., Smith, E. (2012). The Social Dynamics of Family Violence).
Whilst we see a growing awareness around how this language and these beliefs benefit men and disempower women; there is another side. It’s a side where men are suffering, and they are suffering profoundly. If we believe that ‘having balls’ is the ultimate affirmation of courage and success, and being a ‘pussy’ is the exact opposite, we are buying into a language and a system which continues to not only hurt women, but men too. The male fixation with avoiding ‘feminine’ characteristics is literally killing us.
In 2012, approximately 2500 Australians committed suicide. 1900 of them were men.
Not only are suicide rates amongst men nearly four times higher than women, men are also falling behind women when it comes to work and career. A recent study showed that women are succeeding in positions and industries traditionally seen as the ‘male domain.’ By contrast, men are showing little, if any, growth into traditionally ‘female’ spheres of employment.
These notions of rigid gender roles are nothing new. Female leaders and feminists have been exploring and challenging them for decades. But so often when men hear the term ‘gender’ – or even worse, feminism – we either tune out, or feel we are under threat – as though at any moment, our tenuous grasp on masculinity could be taken away from us. But looking at the data, we realise this version of masculinity – with its balls and its hard cocks and all the language we use to perpetuate it – has been hurting men for as long as we’ve been subscribing to it.
Masculinity, as we currently define and embrace it, is letting a staggering number of men down.
Feminism has seen women start to redefine their place in society. It has subverted the expectations thrust upon them, and given them the ideas and tools to challenge their role in the world. The male response to this movement has been mostly to ignore it, argue with it, or insult the incredible women who lead and embrace it. All the while creating nothing new for ourselves.
At times, it feels that men would rather do anything than examine their own masculinity.
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When we embrace gender stereotypes, nobody wins. Women are demoted as submissive and emotionally unstable, whilst men have balls and stoicism and are immune to emotion. Of course, neither is capital T true – we have entirely imposed these restrictions on ourselves.
Shifting this culture, one so deeply entrenched, is a profoundly large task. But there are things we can do. We can connect the casual language to the outcome. We can challenge people when they perpetuate these standards through their language, their behavior and their actions.
Every time we’re out with our mates, we can choose language which doesn’t refer to soft cocks and manning up. We can choose language that doesn’t equate sensitivity with being a pussy or ‘being a weak cunt.’ We can challenge other men when they tell someone to ‘grow a set.’ We can decide what sort of future we want for men. Because this isn’t about ‘softing it’ or being a girl. It is about questioning why nearly three quarters of Australian suicides are men. It is about questioning why one in three women will experience domestic violence in their lifetime. It is about respecting women, and respecting ourselves.
We need to start being honest. These standards are ridiculous. If we let our language define masculinity as simply ‘not being a women’ – we will continue to view women as second rate citizens, and continue to view manhood as the challenge of avoiding ‘feminine’ qualities at all costs. This is a language which benefits no one, built on a culture which is hurting all of us.
—Photo Brendan Riley/Flickr
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Alex,I really like you and I respect you but ……. you’re a feminist. All that you stated is true as to feminists “not liking” but the reality, their distastes are by default and not overt actions or inaction on the part of a feminist movement. They appear to be interested in “dismantling” but only to the extent so as to rebuild men into a form that fits the needs of feminists and not the needs of men. Like it or not, right or not, men in general don’t care to be feminists. I have personally seen the evolution of feminism… Read more »
In my piece, I was deeply conscious of acknowledging the work of feminism, whilst highlighting the often damaging and unhelpfully combative stance some men take with the movement – a stance which pushes back against the leadership of women, whilst creating nothing new and positive for men. The last thing I wanted this piece to create is another male-led discussion about how feminism is not doing enough for men. But in lieu of some of the comments posted here, I felt this might be worth sharing. The following is an excerpt from the work of Lindy West. “A List of… Read more »
Marry me, please? I’d be guilty of bigamy but I’ve been accused of less for worse reasons. Lol!
Hi Ciaran, I’m not entirely sure how you arrived at those conclusions from my piece. I was attempting to explore and highlight the language that damages men in exactly the ways that you listed. Contrary to your assertion that my primary focus is women, I was attempting to acknowledge that far too often this lens highlights the damage to women, but that we overlook the damage to men in the process – whether it be acceptable male behavior, suicide rates, or any of the circumstances you mentioned. I completely disagree with you when you say that “The harm resulting from… Read more »
This article overlooked the most harmful aspect of “man up”; it is used to shame men into doing things that are contrary to their own interests. Man up and charge that machine gun. Man up and go into that collapsing mine. Man up, shake off that concussion, and get back in the game. This is the primary harm that is done to men by “man up” – the exploitation of men motivated by the need to prove their worth. Alex misses it because he is looking gender through a gynocentric lens; he can only see primary harm to women, and… Read more »
Ciaran … I do’t understand what you’re saying here. If your referring to military personnel, that which they are being asked to do are the things that they agreed to do when entering the service. But not only agreed to do but more importantly, expected to do and were/are willing to perform as needed. ” ….men, who are injured injured or killed in the attempt to prove their masculinity.” And again we stereotype men where what they do has to have something related to “proving their masculinity?” Are you kidding me? A man is a man who comes in all… Read more »
Glad I saved my response to “word'”
Oh golly gee, I’m a suspected “spammer” once again.
But so often when men hear the term ‘gender’ – or even worse, feminism – we either tune out, or feel we are under threat – as though at any moment, our tenuous grasp on masculinity could be taken away from us.
Then let’s look at why men tune it out. You seem to postulate that men are tuning it out because they want to avoid the feminine or because we feel under threat.
Have you considered other possibilities?
Danny, I’ve lived a pretty long time and my avoidance is not avoidance but instead I simply see no benefit to being a feminist. I’ve seen nothing in the past 50 years that would tell me that it’s a movement that in any way benefits men. They have done nothing for men and have in some cases hurt men. Now we’re supposed to roll over, forget the damage that’s been done and move to the feminist camp. As was mentioned somewhere, perhaps it was a response to a similar article, most men AND women don’t want the label of “feminist.”… Read more »
You said “Have you considered other possibilities?” …. you said more then you think. It’s the ego’s of the feminist that are getting in their way of progress. It’s their way or no way. Just because they were successful, and rightfully so, with the roads they paved for women doesn’t mean that they can or even have the right, to try to pave similar roads for men. Pretty much. I’ll say this. In their rush to defend feminism notice that only criticisms of feminism that are being responded to are the blanket generalizations of feminism does nothing for men? But… Read more »
One of the things I like best about Alex’s piece is how he’s worked to draw attention to how men suffer under the weight of gendered pressures without setting his work up as against, contrary to, or in spite of, the work of feminism. As the saying goes, you can walk and chew gum at the same time. We can all be in this together, and we can start by moving away from the power plays and lazy thinking that work to pit people against each other. I’ve seen many people within the MRM and feminism act shittily, very often… Read more »
I couldn’t have put it better, Laura. If we acknowledge that there are challenges facing men, pushing back against the work of feminists is surely the last thing that will benefit any of us. Arguing with feminists will not reduce the epidemically high suicide rates against men. Arguing with feminists will not change the male culture which reverts to violence as a means to resolve issues. Arguing with feminists will not resolve the male reluctance to disclose mental illness or other feelings, for fear of being called a ‘pussy’ or a ‘girl.’ Arguing with feminists will not help us to… Read more »
Interesting discussion. Personally I think that avowed feminists have forgotten that they can attract more flies with honey. In other words, how much farther would they move their agendas if they would also support and come to the defense of the boys? Again, like gender itself, it’s an either or proposition to them. Face it, men alone won’t have a movement. Men are too fearful of appearing less manly. Whatever and whoever decided what the hell that means. Yes they’ll sit around drums and campfires ala Bly, but in the end, nada. But IF women will come alongside them, to… Read more »
Thanks for your comment Theorema. I would like to think we don’t need to completely deconstruct and rebuild our notions of gender – for me, it’s more about removing the gendered limitations we impose on ourselves. As Tom B says above: “I don’t care to throw out the tools we have but simply add to them.”
At times, it feels that men would rather do anything than examine their own masculinity. Maybe because we glance into the toolbox of gender studies and all we find is a wrecking ball. It’s enough to put anybody off. It may possible that a man can be rebuilt newer and better after he has been smashed into rubble and the ground cleared, but who’s to do it? Not feminists, it is not their job and they don’t care about it either. We must do it ourselves, but first we need a gentler toolbox. This is not supposed to be Marine… Read more »
The sad truth is that often ‘gender studies’ courses turn out to be little more than feminist propaganda and barely disguised man-bashing (I know this because I had the misfortune of attending one!) So yes, it is a little like being smashed in the face with a wrecking ball! (one with a particularly large Venus symbol on it!!) The obvious answer to the feminist movement is the men’s movement, obviously. And here for me is where feminism shoots itself in the foot. Rather than engage with and work alongside the men’s rights movement, feminists would rather shout it down and… Read more »
Unfortunately, my experience of the Men’s Rights Movement has not been a positive one. Much of the MRM seems to be driven by the belief that men are now an oppressed and silenced minority, which is a fairly ludicrous stance when you look at any statistics relating to gender equity. As I touched on in thearticle, there seems to be an unfortunate desire to oppose and discredit feminism, whilst creating very little that is new and positive for men. There’s a wonderful opportunity to work concurrently with feminists, and I’ve never quite understood why pushing back against feminism is seem… Read more »
Alex,I totally disagree with you. And we’re back to the “work with the feminists” gig again. If feminists are what they claim to be, and this is all caring for both genders, name three platforms where they have overtly campaigned on behalf of men, just three in the past 40 years. Feminists did not overtly campaign to change family courts Feminists have done nothing with respect to educating boys and in ignored the facts MRM’s are very enlightening and positive in a sense that men feel that they count. They feel that someone is listening to the male side of… Read more »
Tom B, asking “What has feminism done for men?” is like asking “What has the civil rights movement done for white people?” Feminism was created by women, for women – a recognition of their second class citizenship, oppression, and deprivation of rights that men take for granted. In my piece, I said: “The male response to feminism has been mostly to ignore it, argue with it, or insult the incredible women who lead and embrace it.” I can’t see how you’re doing anything different here. “Hey feminism, I’m not a fan. But what have you done for me?” Are there… Read more »
Those are really, really great points Alex. There are shitty individuals everywhere, but as absolute representatives of a movement is so unfair. Do I agree with all of the feminist speech? Of course not, because most of what I disagree with comes from a fringe. Overall the message is good but like everything a few bad apples tsint the barrel.
Much of the MRM seems to be driven by the belief that men are now an oppressed and silenced minority, which is a fairly ludicrous stance when you look at any statistics relating to gender equity. Would you believe that there is MRM thought that actually doesn’t subscribe to that? I say this because I myself am of the mind that its not a matter of men being oppressed “now” but rather that men have been oppressed by the same forces and systems that have oppressed women for ages (and no I’m not saying in all the same ways). As… Read more »
For those who may not have read the article referred to by Danny, here is a quick glance…
1. Leave your baggage at the door.
2. Be prepared to do a lot of listening.
3. Don’t expect an automatic welcome.
4. Don’t expect special treatment.
5. Don’t talk over us.
6. Don’t stay silent when you see sexism in action.
7. Never, ever mansplain to us.
8. Don’t tell us to calm down.
9. Amplify and empathize.
10. Don’t give up when it gets hard.
Oh yeah, this is welcoming
“gentler” tool box or a tool box with more tools and different types of tools? I don’t care to throw out the tools we have but simply add to them. And that’s what appears to be happening, trying to throw out all the existing tools and replace them ….
I have been guilty of using this language a lot in the past. It tended to happen when I was frustrated with a man or men in my life who weren’t being as proactive or firm about something as I had hoped they would be. This article does a good job of explaining how these phrases (man up, grow a set, etc.) are not just damaging to men, but also demeaning to women. The author is right: we really need to challenge ourselves and each other to never allow language that suggests men are somehow less for possessing or exhibiting… Read more »
OK, I understand your point about languaging and all that, but if you were really being open about this you’d also include women who can act like they have balls at times, and be pussies at other, when they choose. They can also be the ones that will be the most vocal about calling men out for not being what they perceive to be as masculine. It’s not just the booked calling each other out. I posit that it’s even worse to the male esteem when the women do it because among the guys a lot of it really is… Read more »
That’s a really great point Mark, and one I was really conscious of whilst writing the piece. I tried to leave gendered blame out of it, because it’s a system and a language we all participate in. Women can definitely perpetuate these terms as well. As a friend of mine recently said: “Women and girls can be just as good at misogyny and perpetuating patriarchally-constructed inequalities as men can.”
Nowhere in the piece did I suggest that women should ‘get a pass’ – this is something we’re all in together, and a language which hurts us all in different ways.
Love this article, Alex. The ‘man up’ terms has always been a bug bear of mine, and I think you explore the topic brilliantly. I would love to reblog this on my own site, do you have any issues with that at all…?
Thanks for your feedback Lee! I’ve felt that way for a long time too, but it’s only over the past couple of years that I’ve begun to think about it a little more deeply. Please feel free to re-blog and share the piece.
Awesome article. I am always trying to tell my friends, female and male, that the language they use is very hurtful and is part of a bigger problem. The other day a male friend put a joke regarding a soccer team (male) and had changed their names to female names and a great “LOL” over the post. I wrote saying being a woman is such a laugh i mean it must be really bad, women cannot play soccer right. Is that what the joke is saying? Then he replied saying it’s just a joke and i shouldn’t take it seriously.… Read more »
Thanks for your kind words Bella. I know exactly what you mean – I’ve been in situations in the past where language or jokes like that have transpired, and you can be made to feel that you’re engaging in some sort of ‘fun policing’ by challenging the behavior. If I’d attempted to challenge any of my friends in high school on their sexist language, I would have been labelled a ‘pussy’ pretty much instantly. Great to hear that you are challenging it when you see it – and so glad the article resonated with you. 🙂