Love and Divorce are as closely related as Love and Marriage, and both can and should be done well.
Those of us who are divorced and not remarried, tend sometimes to question our decision and “failure” at marital bliss (if remarried, we tend to cling to the new successful marriage as proof that we are OK). Introduce kids into the equation, and you add a Pandora’s box of guilt and soul searching, designed to convince ourselves we didn’t completely and selfishly ruin their lives by ending our bad marriage.The assumption is of course. that there is nothing worst than being from a “broken home”, and that assumption my friends and fellow “marital bliss” deserters, is completely false! The quality of the home & parent/s you grow up in/with makes all the different, not simply if it’s a married, divorced or single type of home.
Marriages can go bad easily. No one gets married intending to get divorced, yet around 50% of us who do get married will divorce (the number is higher if you add couples living together without getting married who separate when things don’t work out), and that rate is higher for subsequent marriages (I guess once you go through a divorce you know you can handle it?)
Pondering my divorce, which I often did in the first years after we separated, I eventually reached the conclusion that divorce, mine included, can actually be an act of love for these following 6 reasons:
1. Everyone Deserves to be Happy
Happiness is a choice, as is marriage. When we choose to marry we are usually happy, in love and determined to live the rest of our lives with that particular person (people do get married for a variety of other reasons sometimes, but that is a subject for another piece).
When we realize that in spite of our best efforts and work the marriage is over (divorce should always be the last resort), we have a choice between staying in a bad relationship and in a toxic environment for our children and our selves, or ending the marriage and trying to build two separate happier homes. That choice, to leave and provide all a chance at happiness, is An Act of Love.
2. Kids Learn by Example
The last thing any parent wants is for their kids to make the same mistakes they have. Considering that kids will follow your actions and not what you say, raising them in an unhappy, distant, cold and conflict filled marriage simply sets them up for failure. They learn (mistakenly and unhappily) that this is how adult committed relationships work, instead of how marriage should be, loving, secure and happy.
3. You Must Divorce Well
Once you reach the painful decision that your marriage is over, how you handle the divorce will either buy you years of misery, frustration and pain, or provide you, your spouse and your kids with a foundation for a healthier and happier future. It is simple to make is easier but it does takes fortitude and maturity to follow these steps:
a. Always take the high road and never, ever put your kids in the middle or use them as a weapon or bargaining chip (confide in friends and family sparingly and use a therapist to vent, don’t use your kids).
b. Opt for mediation instead of the much more destructive and adversarial individual lawyer route, if at all possible. Be the reasonable adult and lead by example. As in any relationship, you cannot control what the other person does, only how you behave and react.
c. Be the best person you can be, never disparage your former spouse to anyone, especially your kids. You will reap the immediate satisfaction of feeling good about you, as well as the long term creation of closer and better relationships with your kids, friends and family.
Broadly speaking money is only money and it comes and goes. Your kids, on the other hand, are your heart and your sanity and they are forever.
4. Divorce should be “the Beginning of a Beautiful Friendship”
You got married for a reason. Love was part of it and hopefully so was friendship. You had children with the person you married and you and planned to raise them together, grow old together and enjoy your grandchildren together. Never forget that. Equally critical, since you have kids, your former spouse will always be in your life and you will have to work with them to raise your kids.
It may seem impossible in the heat of divorce, but time and distance will provide you with perspective and a chance to cool off, reconnect with yourself again and rebuild your life. This will give you the tools and state of mind to rebuild a great friendship with your Ex, which will benefit everyone involved, especially you.
5. You can’t go Back
Nostalgia, in moderation, can be very productive and therapeutic ( and some of us do divorce and remarry the same person again). However, for most of us once the marriage is over, it’s over, whether by mutual decision or by one “imposed” on us by a former souse. Let it go. It’s over, the fat lady has sung her swan song and you need to move on with your life. Hanging on to the past is crazy making, heart attack and stroke inducing, depression enhancing and will simply hold you back in toxic quicksand.
6. It’s OK to Howl at the Moon
Find your release device and use it. During end of marriage, separation, divorce and the years after, you will be at times frustrated and angry and inclined to blame you Ex. Don’t. Nothing good ever comes of that (and besides anger hurts you and your kids far more than your Ex). Find your release, be it exercise, meditation, a hobby, a hot bath, or simply howling at the moon (that one works well for me). Find a secluded spot and scream your head off or simply howl silently at the top of your lungs. You’d be surprised how well it will make you feel.
Although Happily Divorced was far from a great TV show, it did touch on the fact that while divorce is the end of a marriage, it can also be the beginning of a new and happier chapter for all involved ( including some new people) and the makings of a great lifelong friendship (something to remember and hold on to in the heat of conflict). Better times are just around the corner, and how fast you get there is up to both of you.
Photo: siti fatimah 6 /flicker Photo2: lhigh2 /Flicker
Not related to the piece but I think that texting and using all kinds of shortcuts trying to multitask we just end up with typos. No excuse when writing stuff we publish.
What did you think of the piece, can divorce be an act of love?
Glad you liked it and sorry about the typos. I did review again and make a few corrections. Sometimes I wish I had several other pairs of eyes and brains to review. BTW you meant “nice try to lay out the rules”:) I presume. It’s easy to miss sometimes.
Thanks for catching them.
And it’s nothing against you on typos. It happens everywhere. It’s like everyone is so digitally pressed that they’re just blasting things out there as fast as they can. Or maybe it’s other things. In fact look at my previous post…late instead of lay. I’m not sure how that happened. I wasn’t in a hurry. How does an attempt at lay become late? I don’t know.
I don’t get the typos and the grammar issues in articles. They’re everywhere. It’s like someone needs to invent some software that corrects spelling mistakes. Heck, they can probably even invent something that corrects grammar. And what’s up with the red, squiggly line that pops up when I’m typing a post on TGMP? Could someone fix that please?
Anyway, nice try to late out the rules for post divorce bliss. That’s a tough one. Tsach, (there’s that squiggly line again) just ignore my rant above. It’s a modern day mystery.
Nice piece.