How do you fall in love?
It seems to me that there are two ways of thinking about love:
1. That it is a force, something outside of yourself that comes over you and drives you to actions and choices and people and even a whole big life.
2. That it is a choice, something that comes from within you, that you can control and shape and grow.
First, I’ll tell you what I think. I am a firm believer in #2. I think that love comes from within us, and that we are mostly in control of it. Of course you have to have a certain set of variables in place for love to happen, and even more for it to last: You have to be attracted to someone, you have to have that very real so-called “chemistry” that makes you want to put your face in their neck and just take a whiff of their great whatever-it-is that makes them just right for you. You have to have matching values systems and life goals. All that boring stuff that is less fun to think about that electric kisses and love at first sight, that stuff all matters.
Along those lines, I think we grow what we put our attention upon. Our relationships are like plants. Feed and water them the right way, care for them, they’ll probably grow. Neglect them and they’ll wither away. It makes sense. It’s scientific, even.
But there is a part of me that is actually overwhelming at times that believes that it is a force. That love can come in like weather, like a high pressure system, and overwhelm us and affect us so much that it seems hard to control.
I’m sure that’s just brain chemistry. I’m sure that it’s dopamine and adrenaline and serotonin. But it feels like a real thing, a living entity. Like if it went away a real thing would be dead.
So what do you think? Is there something mystical or magical about love?
Or is it just the magic of brain chemistry combined with the choices we make to sustain relationships and help them grow?
How did you fall in love? Was it like a storm coming across your horizon, or was it like growing a plant over time with proper care and nurturing?
I think these are actually two quite different concepts, and the fact that we use one word to express both can cause or contribute to problems. The feeling of love is definitely involuntary, as all feelings are. But loving actions are deliberate. The two can exist separately, and I think it would be better if we separated them more in our thinking.
Great point!
I believe it’s both. Love has to show up first, in order to give you the choice whether or not to nurture it or let it go. Falling in love might totally take you by surprise…you absolutely cannot wake up one day and say “I think I’ll love this person.” But to continue love? That’s a choice, and an effort, and one of the most important choices in life.
I’ve been wondering about the same thing lately, funny I come across this now.
I think it’s a choice you make, how much you choose to ‘upbeat’ the chemicals in your brain. The train of thought is powered by your (sub)conscious focus.
It’s all about the choices you make. (:
It is both. You cannot always choose who you love, but you can choose how you respond, whether you choose to nurture that love or push it away. By the same token, you cannot force yourself to love whom you will not love, no matter how hard you try. Ever met someone you found attractive, who you thought was simply an amazing person, who treated you as if you were something precious, who you WANTED to fall head over heels in love with, because they were everything you’d ever want and need…. and no matter how hard you try, no… Read more »
I don’t believe it is either. Love isn’t a feeling, love isn’t an action. I believe love is our connection to our divine self (or God if you will). We can experience our connection when we are with another human being or we can experience it in those divine moments alone. With another, when we look deeply into their eyes we can literally see forever. I believe we “fall in love” with the other when we resonate well with them, when our vibratory patterns match closely enough with them such that we create a harmony when we are with them.… Read more »
Good point about it being an action… That goes back, really, to being a choice. We choose to take the actions.
Love what you wrote.
So I think it’s a combination of both, depending on the circumstance, because love can “happen to us” or “find us” whether or not we are ready or looking for it (#1). Then of course there is the love that we seek, that we cherish and polish in our mind’s eye, that we grow from our inner desires and values (#2). In this way, #1 is effectively love as it exists in the word and #2 is love as it exists within us. Any capital “L” Love has elements of both — a balance the love we hold with a… Read more »
That seems pretty well-reasoned! Don’t you know we don’t allow reasonable commenters here?! 😉
oh wait, I forgot this is the internet… I should have gone with something more, um, defensive and outlandish!
I’m guessing it’s the second choice, because I’ve done a good job of avoiding romantic love, which feels like it’s been a more deliberate act than happenstance.
Hmmmmmmmmmmm
That is a good point. A case-in-point example.