“Shame, fear, isolation, addiction. Shame, fear, isolation, addiction. After a few hundred times through the spiral, men will do anything to get off the ride, including suicide.”
Last week, I re-watched Good Will Hunting for the first time since Robin Williams’ suicide. I’ve always felt that Williams’ portrayal of Will Hunting’s psychologist, Sean Maguire, was one his most powerful performances on the big screen.
What really struck me watching this film again was the isolation and loneliness of Sean Maguire. The healing in Good Will Hunting was shared by both the patient and the therapist. Unfortunately, this connection with others did not transcend the film into Williams’ life in a lasting way.
When Will Hunting first meets Sean Maguire, Hunting says, “I think you’re about one step away from cutting your fucking ear off,” after analyzing a painting of Maguire’s. Matt Damon’s character then brings up the term “Any port in a storm.” For Williams and so many other men, the only port they find in the storm of their life is suicide.
Why is it that men like Williams felt so isolated and unable to connect with others? The film offers insight into this dilemma through the life of the main character. Will Hunting is savant who grows up on the wrong side of the tracks. As an orphan, Hunting suffers horrible physical abuse.
When Will falls in love with Skylar, a wealthy Harvard student played by Minnie Driver, he lies to her about having 12 brothers. This clues us into the shame he feels about being an abused orphan.
As the love between Will and Skylar intensifies, so does the commitment. When Skylar asks Will to come to California with her where she will attend med school, Will acts out all the classic avoidance strategies of someone who fears rejection due to shame.
He expresses his fear with a scenario of moving out to California with Skylar where she might “find out something” about him that she doesn’t like and not want to be with him anymore. He then makes up excuses why he can’t go to California. As I stated in an earlier article, fear and loneliness often go hand in hand. In this case, Will fears rejection, commitment, uncertainty, and vulnerability to the point that he is willing to let go of the love of his life.
Skylar presses him and asks, “What are you so scared of?” Hunting launches into attacks on Skylar as a “trust fund baby” who is just using Will so she can tell her rich friends how she went “slumming too once.”
Will then tries to leave when Skylar pushes him to be honest with her, but Skylar blocks the exit. This is where things get violent.
“What do you want to know, that I don’t have 12 brothers? That I’m a fucking orphan?…You don’t want to hear that I got cigarettes put out on me when I was a little kid…You don’t want to hear that shit, Skylar,” Will screams at her.
Once the shameful elements are public, men like Hunting will do anything to avoid the embarrassment. In this case, Will tells Skylar that he doesn’t love her which leads to isolation and loneliness.
The next level of this death spiral is addiction to anything that will numb the feelings of shame and isolation. In the 1997 film, Will’s addictions are cigarettes, alcohol, and physical violence. In his early stand-up routines, Robin Williams used to mention snorting cocaine in the 80s.
Thus, the cycle continues: shame, fear, isolation, addiction, shame, fear, isolation, addiction. After a few hundred times through the spiral, men will do anything to get off the ride, including suicide.
Suicide has been an answer to shame for centuries. In Japan, culturally sanctioned forms of suicide in the forms of seppuku and hara kiri were offered to samurai who “lost face.” Perhaps this is why present day Japan has one of the highest rates of suicide for young people who fail out of the education system.
In Palo Alto, California, a male student from Gunn High School just committed suicide by jumping on the Caltrains track. In the past 12 years, there have been 7 suicides by students in this area, mostly boys. Local media likes to point out the pressure of going to high achievement schools like Gunn, but not too many people discuss the shame of underperforming in these academic environments.
Reading the manifesto left behind by UC Santa Barbara shooter, Elliot Roger, one can easily see the chain of shame, fear, isolation, and addiction that lead to the suicidal attack. Roger was ashamed of being a virgin and ashamed of being Asian. He feared rejection from beautiful women. He isolated himself through addictions to video games and lottery tickets.
One of the saddest parts of the manifesto narrates how Rodger would drive alone from Santa Barbara to the Arizona border to buy lottery tickets that he envisioned would make him rich and, therefore, attractive to women. The shame of finding out that he had spent all his money on losing lottery tickets was tangible.
So what can we do to break this cycle? As the father of two sons, I think about this a lot The only answer I came up with is I don’t know.
Maybe the film can offer some insight. I was never a big fan of the “breakthrough” seen in Good Will Hunting. It seemed too tidy and unrealistic to have Will heal from years of abuse when Sean simply repeats over and over, “It’s not your fault.” But on this viewing with perhaps wiser eyes, I see some guidance that might prove essential.
First, the healing takes place between men. I’m not saying that this couldn’t happen with a woman therapist or a female spouse, but in my experience women have a hard time hearing about men’s shame without judgment.
In Daring Greatly, shame researcher Brené Brown tells the story of a man who approached her after one of her talks. “We have shame. Deep shame. But when we reach out and share our stories, we get the emotional shit beat out of us,” confessed the man.
An uncomfortable Brené Brown was about to comment on how hard men are on each other, when the man told her about his wife and daughters: “they’d rather see me die on top of my white horse than watch me fall off. You say you want us to be vulnerable and real, but c’mon. You can’t stand it. It makes you sick to see us like that.”
Men need to be able to help and ask for help from other men. In the men’s group I run, I see the power of this non-judgmental brotherhood every meeting. Men confess deep shame to the other men in the group, and instead of judgment, they get empathy, understanding, and support.
Second, Sean Maguire is persistent. Will Hunting like many men wears a lot of armor. It takes time and persistence to break through the barriers and reach a man’s heart. At one point, Will shoves Sean, but Sean keep closing the gap and repeating, “It’s not your fault.”
Third, Will cries. The cleansing and transformative effects of crying for men cannot be underestimated. Part of the reason we have so much shame, guilt, loneliness, and anger built up is that we rarely get to release it in the form of tears.
Also note how when Will Hunting does start crying he says, “I’m sorry.” Even though Sean was telling him over and over that it is not his fault, Will takes responsibility for everything. The tears wash away all this unjustified guilt and shame.
I can’t help but imagine what would have happened to Elliot Rodger or Robin Williams if they would have been able to cry in the presence of caring, supportive men who kept repeating verbally and non-verbally, “It’s not your fault.”
I do realize that half of my research comes from Hollywood, but so does a majority of the codes of manhood that trap men in shame, isolation, and addiction.
photo: Hot Gossip Italia/flickr
Kozo, I am a survivor of suicide of more than one person close to me. I have experienced my oldest son taking his own life. I also counseled young victims of severe child abusein the South Bronx (scalding hot irons instead of burning cigarettes) As you know from being in the Helping Professions……we don’t see the world (people, places and things) as it really is….we see the world as we are! Everything is a reflection of ourselves. I saw “Good Will Hunting” many times and each time I had an experience of love, hope, and upliftment. I experienced 2 men… Read more »
Joe, I LOVE this film. I think it holds keys to healing. When I wrote this piece, I was not trying to critique the film. I was offering the film as a manifestation of hope and clarity. I completely agree that we can never know what causes others to do the things they do, including suicide. I hope I didn’t give the impression that I knew why Williams committed suicide. I just wish we could have helped. I want to help others who are in similar circumstances. I agree with your statement that “everything is a reflection of ourselves.” I… Read more »
Robin Williams struggled with mental illness….THAT’S why he committed suicide. Yes, there was shame and fear and isolation but that was likely due to the stigma that surrounds mental illness in this country. We are in a mental health crisis and we need to wake up as a society! It is not a joke and should not be used as one on television. Can you imagine the Halloween episode of Modern Family if they were making light of cancer treatment? Can you imagine the indignation fans would have shown? It’s that kind of despicable portrayals that keep people struggling from… Read more »
As someone who has struggled with severe depression, I know all too well what he was going through. You literally do not care if you live or die. All it takes is one setback to push you over the edge, and he had more than anyone should have to bear. On a previous GMP article I suggested he might still be alive if he had been single. I was immediately labeled a misogynist and accused of spreading “vile MRA propaganda”. I think the anger it generated proved my point.
Interesting observation, Wes, about the anger your comment generated. I think this same anger was expressed when the man in the Brene Brown example went to talk to Brene. His wife was standing by the door with her arms crossed. She did not want him to express his shame, especially in public. This social norm causes isolation in men.
I agree that stigma kills, Sylvia. I would add that shame causes stigma.
Powerful piece. Thank you. I loved the movie and Robin. I think you hit on some very critical issues facing everyone, with men in particular.
Thanks, John. I agree that these issues of shame and addiction face everyone, but, unfortunately, men don’t seem to have an outlet to express or get support on these issues.
What Robin Williams needed, aside from the support you mentioned was freedom from a legal system that kept him trapped in debt till he felt there was no way out. How many other men have gone down this path?
Hey Wes,
I had no idea that Williams was trapped in debt. I agree that many men have been trapped in financial responsibility that leads to suicide. If you are not a “productive” man in society, it is very difficult to “survive.” Thanks for the comment.
He was supporting a family and two e-wives. He was also taking jobs he didn’t want to keep the money coming in and he had to sell his house on top of that. Combine that with all the other problems he had and this outcome was inevitable. As a man, your options usually come down to appliance, ATM or cannon fodder.