She was harshly criticized for not taking full time work, but she knew what was best for her little boy.
—
When my ex-husband and I divorced my economic situation took an abrupt downturn. My son and I moved from a luxurious home in an affluent suburb to a small apartment in a blue collar neighborhood. Our new home had none of the frills and extra amenities like the home we left behind. It was elbow-cracking small, the unreliable air conditioning made it heavy with heat in the Texas summers, and the neighbors were sometimes sketchy. But it was the best my budget could afford.
My son, they said, didn’t deserve to have his standard of living change like it did. They believed I should have put him in daycare and returned to the workforce full time.
|
My son and I went from being part of the upper class to living below the poverty level. We didn’t go out to eat or take vacations anymore. I paid cash for a car that I had to drive with my fingers crossed that it would make it to our destination. Things that used to be a regular part of our budget, like a gym membership and weekend movie outings, became luxuries. Now we could only afford most of the basics, most of the time.
I hadn’t worked full time since my marriage. After the divorce, I could have. Many people let it be clearly known that they thought I should have. My son, they said, didn’t deserve to have his standard of living change like it did. They believed I should have put him in daycare and returned to the workforce full time. But I knew that doing that would exact a price much higher than the disappointment of not going to the movie theater or the neighborhood pizza place.
◊♦◊
When my son was an infant, just learning to pull himself up and creep along low level furniture, he was mauled by a dog. The animal, a golden retriever three times his size, sunk its teeth into both sides of my boy’s head and threw him, effortlessly, into the air. That moment, forever etched into my brain, changed my son from a confident, happy little boy into an anxious, uncertain one. It was as if his life was cracked in half: before the mauling, when he was carefree in a world that was his playground, and after the mauling, when he felt unsafe anywhere but in my arms.
Putting him into daycare for 40 to 50 hours a week would have undermined the hard work we’d both put into restoring his self-confidence.
|
My son did not quickly recover his belief that he’s safe in the world separate from me. He is better now, but in those years after the divorce he was still recovering his confidence in himself and his ability to navigate through life. His one safe place was in our little apartment with me by his side. Even with other family members he felt exposed. He had no tolerance for strangers or unfamiliar environments.
Putting my son in daycare would have cost him more than sadness about not going out to eat anymore. He didn’t need a restaurant-made pizza. He did need to spend as much time as possible in an environment where he felt safe. Putting him into daycare for 40 to 50 hours a week would have undermined the hard work we’d both put into restoring his self-confidence.
Instead of taking a job that would have required my son being under someone else’s care for the bulk of the work week, I took a job I could do from home, on my own schedule. While the income did allow me to buy a reliable car and increase our weekly food budget, it still left us living on an income below the federal poverty level.
But I was home with my son when he struggled through panic attacks or was barely functional during the day because he hadn’t slept the night before due to nightmares and anxiety. He wasn’t with other caregivers trying to wrestle with those challenges on his own because he couldn’t trust them to keep him safe.
◊♦◊
Financial poverty was my choice. I made it because I knew that being in daycare would take emotional health from my son that no amount of money could replace. I never asked anyone else to be responsible for my choice though. We never received public assistance. There were a few times when I went to a local food bank because my court-ordered support payments lagged behind. But other than those few times, I didn’t ask anyone to bear the cost of my choosing poverty.
Why do we find it more acceptable for a parent to be emotionally unavailable to their son or daughter than we do for a parent to choose to live below the poverty line?
|
I was still judged, sometimes harshly, for that decision. Our society can set very limiting norms for determining what is and is not acceptable parenting behavior. We are told that the choice of being poor is one made by lazy parents who would rather not have to work than provide a good life for their children. Somehow we have equated living above the poverty line with the preferred place to raise children. The two are not mutually exclusive
Children need more than money and the things that money can buy. They do have a right to having their basic needs met; housing, clothing, food, education and medical care. But they also require love, guidance and protection. When mothers and fathers cannot provide those, no amount of money can fill the aching loss a child feels. Why do we find it more acceptable for a parent to be emotionally unavailable to their son or daughter than we do for a parent to choose to live below the poverty line?
◊♦◊
My choice was never the popular one. But it was the right one. It gave my son the safe space he needed to regain his footing. His counselor educated me in ways to help him navigate his anxiety. When he was wringing wet with fear I was there to talk him through his overwhelming feelings. Those were the benefits of our living in financial poverty.
As my son’s health improved I increased my number of hours worked. Slowly, we crept into the lower middle class then into the true middle class. I’m now able to provide him with the newly released video games or a trip to the movie theater. If I had chosen to return to work full time and place him in daycare I doubt those luxuries would have meant much to him. Now, as a teenage boy who became healthy in a financially impoverished but emotionally rich home, he can fully enjoy them along with his restored sense of confidence in himself and the goodness of the world.
—
Photo: Flickr/Kelly Sikkema
I need help so bad. My roof is falling ing from major stores.. I’m trying to take of my kids with no help.. I’m on SSD on am àfraid we be on stress. I have 3 baby’s. I’m below pavorty . please help me. The cold and wind is so bad.
I too made the decision to stay home with my twins, until they start 4 year preschool in 2016. I’m so glad i did, particularly for my son. My ex had a dysfunctional mother, who worked from day dot, and was distant emotionally, and it scarred him. Over time, the damage she had done became apparent in our relationship, to the point, i ended it. So it was particularly important for me to be at home with my children for as long as possible so that i could nurture a healthy bond between us all (that, coupled with the fact… Read more »
It’s very clever of the elite to convince the middle classes that putting their children in day orphanages is the ticket to middle class life.
Wow there sure are a whole lot of idiots commenting! It really astounds me how stupid some of you are. She wasn’t shaming anyone just stating her own specific case and why it worked for her. How hard is that to understand? All of you projecting your own guilt about your own shitty parenting and criticizing her (SHE DID NOT RECEIVE GOVERNMENT ASSISTANCE IDIOTS) need to reread the article.
I have researched the daycare issue a lot. I have a five year old and a three year old. I read a book called “Raising Happiness” and the author Christine Carter was very anti-daycare (same with Gordon Neufeld) and showed stats that daycare can cause depression in the child who attends later on. I think this is true for a non-depressed mom with a good social support, grandparents helping, etc. The same author, however, never explained that even a small amount of daycare, or even nursery school, can have a buffering effect on a mother’s depression. I did read that… Read more »
That is amazing!! I agree with the working hard etc being a good example but her son went through something devestating and life altering. She sacrificied for him and I am confident she changed his entire life with those decision I cannot even imagine what it was like for him and her. Heart breaking that he had to go through that. What an amazing mom to know what was right for her son and give up everything to help him I’m sure it was not easy for her. The comments on here surprised me what kind of person would have… Read more »
Oh, this article makes me so happy! Even still being married, my husband and I were barely scraping by. With his new job, things are better, but instead of me working, we’ve cut back on everything. We don’t go outto eat, vacations are sparse, etc. But I get to keep our VERY sensitive son at home and give him the stability and consistency he really needs. This isn’t to say that there aren’t awesome daycares, but I’m with the author: mommas know what our littles need.
as a mom, I am a firm believer in “family first” – but in my experience this did not mean I had to choose only between poverty – or daycare. I don’t care to doubt the choices highlighted in this article, nor judge the person who made them – but rather shed alternative light to other readers. I chose to stay home with my kids too – but I quickly realized I needed to work. I needed to work for me – I simply needed my own thing. Parents needs are important too. I chose a network marketing opportunity, as… Read more »
It sounds like some people are missing the point. For some children daycare would be traumatizing. Especially a child with post traumatic stress disorder. I had a child with anxiety issues who was terrified of anyone outside family. I chose not to use daycare and have eased him into life as his confidence and security grew. If you haven’t had a child who is fearful, anxious and stressed, then you may just not get it. The payoff for money is simply not worth it. No amount of money can compensate for a child who experiences a high level of stress… Read more »
Hmmmm….I don’t know about the whole “patting myself on the back while telling my sad tale” thing. This woman made choices that she felt were appropriate for her child. Good job, lady! But…all the parents who put their kids in daycare because they don’t have the option of working part-time from home and receiving child support from a wealthy (or wealthy-ish) ex partner…those parents are also making appropriate choices. While she speaks of her poverty, she can’t really claim true poverty because true poverty gives you no choices–besides “eat or don’t eat”–so she still kind of had a privileged existence… Read more »
I see your point… but when the choice you make is so different from the norm… it can be helpful to share what you did and why. This is not about her being better.. just different. For those of us trying to make decisions in those early years, it can be incredibly helpful to read a story of someone who made a choice different from the norm. For those parents whose chidren are not suited to daycare, its great to read the story of someone who chose a different path and saw success.
wow, some interesting comments here! I too chose not to subject my three children to daycare, and financially paid the price. But in return got well adjusted, happy, loving children that other ‘daycare parents’ always comment on how well they share, behave, are intelligent etc etc… It was a choice we made to have children and to raise them ourselves – not have someone else do it. During that time we needed one food grant, but you know what – both my partner and I have paid a lot of taxes, I have been paying them since starting work at… Read more »
I think it is ok to choose. However, being at home she did know about “Entrepreneur” work. She could have read books about successful people like Dave Ramsey, Napoleon Hill, Brian Tracy, Dan Miller, Harv T. Eker, and thousands of others… She could set SMARTER goals and fed her Subconscious the good stuff and I know she has talents and she could put it in the world while at home… But she did not and she still poor… She doesn’t have to blame herself though… 98% of Americans are without Major goal and only 1% put their goals in writing… Read more »
I thought this was a wonderful and encouraging article! Especially since it ended showing her sacrifices for her son paid off and he is a happy, healthy and well adjusted teenager now. I don’t think people are reading the full article though before jumping to conclusions. The fact she did this without any public support…no food stamps, etc, makes it even more amazing. I think people forget even those that need to truly stay home with their kids and do get state aide, have worked for many years and their taxes have paid for those things. To need some aide… Read more »
The author, whether well intentioned or not, is not completely accurate in her assumption that by working a full time job you are unable to be emotionally available. It’s also unfair to for her to be critical of those of its that try. She is trying to justify a personal choice by placing blame in another. For all we know it was her fault the child was hurt. And if she truly felt she had made the right decision there would be no need to justify.
Wow. You really can convince yourself of anything if you try hard enough. Children are most likely to follow in their parents’ footsteps. By working hard and earning your lifestyle, you set an example for your kids to follow. One of the biggest confidence boosters would have been to expose this child to the world away from under his mother’s skirts. Instead, this mother set the example of laziness. She taught her son that you don’t have to work because millions of other Americans will work hard, put their children in daycare everyday, and pay taxes to take care of… Read more »
Olive you obviously didn’t read the whole article…she NEVER took any public assistance…and she was working from home. If you read to the end of it her son is now a teenager, happy and healthy. As he slowly got better she increased her hours at work and she raised their income bracket from a poverty level to middle class. There IS more to life then just living to work to have things….she put her son first…he got better rather then staying crippled by anxiety for the rest of his life.
It’s sad that you think this way. Did you even bother to read the article carefully? This woman did not say that she didn’t work. Those who work for lower wages are branded as not working hard? That’s confusing to most Americans that work hard for what they earn even if it’s not up to your standards. Both my parents work obsessively hard and I learned nothing from it other than their professional lives were more important to them than actually raising me. It’s sad that parents think they can fill their children’s emotional needs with money. Do you realize… Read more »
well said
I have one question. Why did you not have child support from your ex? I understand all of your reasoning for staying home with your son. Made lots of sense. By the way, he missed out on nothing of importance in that time. He had YOU. But your ex should have provided since it was clear he had the funds to do it considering where you used to live. There are laws for dead beat dads. Get him honey!
She said in the article she was getting child support from him: “There were a few times when I went to a local food bank because my court-ordered support payments lagged behind. But other than those few times, I didn’t ask anyone to bear the cost of my choosing poverty.”
So. Right. On! I, too, am making this choice and not a lot of people are cheering me on for it. I can sense their tension when I ask them to help me. (I do receive assistance; I hope to work some when my son is ready for preschool but right now, I just can’t swing it. I just can’t).
But it is SO the right decision. Thank you for writing this. I’m glad to know other moms feel the same way!
I loved reading this. I am a firm believer of active parenting. We all know a parent (or parents) who go day-to-day working and providing, but aren’t actually in the moment with their kids when they are home. My hubby & I both work 40-hour/week jobs, but we make sure that from the time we get home, to the time the boys are in bed – there’s no TV, and no electronics, just family time. The kids don’t care whether they have 500 toys or 5 toys. Honestly, my boys probably wouldn’t care if they had any toys, because that’s… Read more »
Wow! welcome to America, except many of us don’t get “support” payments or a reliable car. Glad yours was enough to cover your living at home still.
I am a career oriented, full-time working, single mother, but in the situation like yours I would have done exactly the same thing you have done!
I wish you and your boy all the best!
Great article. Touches home in alot of ways. Take care
Hi Bobbi! Your story moved me to tears. I cannot imagine the difficult times that you went through worrying about your small child’s well being. Children are so precious. When they are happy, nothing else matters in this world. There’s a time and place for all things to happen. Ultimately, our choices are dictated by our most urgent needs, not wants. I can see clearly that your priority was your little son. I’ve been a stay-at-home for 15 years and I have no regrets. I see it as a privilege to have been able to do that for my children… Read more »
First, for the ex-husband not to be more of a provider is sad, from her story it sounds like he clearly didn’t take 50% of the responsibility after the divorce and that is a huge loss on his part. Second, I was blessed with both my kids to be able to stay home with them for the first 3 years of their lives. I went back to work full time when they were around 3 and after that, because of my husband’s position, they were only in day care part time until Kindergarten. It really irritates me when people make… Read more »
Bobbie, I love your story. My hats off to you in making the best decision for your son. I wish there were more parents like you. You have given your son a great structure in his life. My love to both of you. Take care and may God bless you both. Terry Melendez
Good choice, Miss Bobbi – kids need parents, especially their mothers when they are this young, even if they haven’t experienced a major trauma. I think the world would be a much better place if we had more stay-at-home moms (or dads). Day-care simply cannot provide the love and inculcation of values that a parent can.