How can we best support our sons as they grow in their independence?
–
As parents, our behaviors are shaped by trial and error, by the knowledge we seek out from texts and from experts, and advice that we receive from others in our lives that have done the parental heavy lifting before us. One of the issues that I often felt nervous about involved boundaries and independence. As a recovery control freak, I realized that this stage of my sons’ development would be challenging!
As my sons grew up, they began to set boundaries on their own which served to assert their developmental stages of independence and to underscore “Mommy free” zones that most boys find themselves having to indicate. These boundaries had less to do with withholding maternal affection, and more to do with the boys proving their ability levels to themselves. The emotional bond between mother and son, while subject to periods of fluctuation, is essential to our sons growing up in a healthy manner. Carlos Santos, a professor at Arizona State University’s School of Social and Family Dynamics, conducted a study with 400 middle-school boys in New York City public schools which revealed that boys who were closer to their mothers were less likely to define masculinity as a matter of being tough, stoic and self-reliant. These boys not only had less anxiety and depression than their more stoic peers but also were getting better grades. Understanding this definitely was a relief for me.
While the emotional connection is important, our sons’ need for space is just as important. As toddlers test the waters, we began to hear them say “I do it” as they began to test the limits of their independence. Once our sons reached a certain age and comfort level in elementary school, opportunities to display affection and hold hands in public began to dwindle down. As they grew older, the bedroom door began to close, as my sons began to have conversations that were for their ears only. These boundaries were understandable; it is natural that as our sons mature their need for autonomy and privacy will also increase.
How can we best support our sons as they grow in their independence?
Keep the lines of communication open. Asking our sons open-ended questions as opposed to questions that have yes or no answers makes this easier.
Provide opportunities to spend time together with our sons, but also allow them to have opportunities to have time apart. After school clubs, sports, and other social outlets can assist with supporting this time balance.
Be observant. Allowing our sons room to grow does not mean our supervision and guidance are unnecessary. We are still an important part of their lives and have the capability to observe their actions as both a parent and a third party. Have the crucial conversations that are often difficult, set guidelines for your home. Maintain an active role while they increase their independence.
Photo: Nattu/Flickr