If you think it’s not manly, fatherly, or leader-like to own up to being wrong—think again.
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Guys, let’s be brutally honest here: we have a bit of an ego problem. It sorta-kinda comes with our nature. And it manifests itself big time when we screw up. We just cane seem to bring ourselves, at times, to say those ever-important words—“I failed.” Don’t believe me? When was the last time you said you were sorry after blowing it?
Unfortunately, when it comes to your family, they know the darkest parts of you. They know what the rest of the world doesn’t know. That’s why when you fail (and you will), your next step is critical.
Admitting Is The First Step
They were the hardest words I’ve ever had to speak to my daughters—“I failed.” They sat on the front porch of our house listening to me, heads hung, eyes fixed on the ground before them. It wasn’t a moral or ethical failure. In a way, it was worse. It was emotional and spiritual failure.
I had let my attitude and pride get in the way and it caused our family a lot of pain. The guilt I felt was overwhelming.
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I had let my attitude and pride get in the way and it caused our family a lot of pain. The guilt I felt was overwhelming. It was like someone was standing on my chest. I hated the feeling. The hardest thing I had to do was sit with my two girls and confess to them that their dad, had failed. I was a different person at home than I was in public.
I confessed the same thing to my wife. That was equally as hard. It’s never fun to give up and surrender, and admit you were wrong. But it had to be done. I knew in my heart, there was absolutely no way healing could begin if I didn’t come clean. The morning after, I sat alone in my living room feeling the weight of guilt and shame bearing down on me, wishing desperately I could undo what I had done.
You Can’t Change The Past
The past is the past. What had happened, what I said, what I did, was etched in stone for eternity.
What I realized, as I sat alone the next morning, thinking and praying, was that I could not change the past. Not like I really needed to state that, but I think we sometimes fantasize that we can :-). I know I do.
The truth is—we can’t change the past. But, we can change the future from this very moment forward. Wherever you are right now, you can begin by living different. That very moment, I decided to change what would happen moving forward. I decided that I would let go of my foolish pride, and not allow a negative attitude to overtake me anymore. Easier said than done, right?
Actions Speak Louder Than Words
I would venture to say that an even harder thing to do than confessing your wrong doing and choosing to surrender, is the application of change thereafter. Words are cheap. They are spoken frivolously every day by millions of people. The Lord knows how often we use words to try and fix or mend. And how often do those who speak the words betray what they’ve said shortly after?
It wasn’t until I actually changed and started living the change out through my actions that she believed me.
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Actions, however, are priceless. I remember learning this a long time ago, early on in our marriage. I kept saying the same thing to my wife, over and over, promising to change. But I wasn’t taking any action steps to show I was really going to do what I said I would do. It wasn’t until I actually changed and started living the change out through my actions that she believed me.
It’s not easy, but it’s the only way the people we love, and who love us, will believe that we’ve actually changed and are working to change the future too!
You Can Do It!
It’s never easy to screw up, then have to own it, confess it, and work to change the future. And, like I stated earlier, family itself is hard because these are the folks who know every dirty little secret, every unkind word spoken, and every little idiosyncrasy about you. Because it’s family, there is a lot of given transparency and exposure that you can’t avoid (unless you never talk to one another or interact with one another).
Yes, it’s hard to pick yourself up after you fail, and move forward. It’s hard to take action steps of change. You can’t just reverse things the day after you’ve screwed up. It takes time and patience. But, you can do it. If I can do it, you can do it.
Choosing to come clean and apply the change you’ve made by action, not words, is a huge challenge. But it brings maximum healing and restoration to your family. It makes you a better man. And that’s worth it!
Photo—Jan Balaz/Flickr
Women are the ones with the ego problem.
Thank you for sharing your story, Mr. Brechlin.
A few years ago there was an incident at work that came a turning point with one of my clients. I’m a counselor at a residential treatment center for adolescent boys. Even the most veteran counselors have breaking points where clients know exactly what buttons to push. A had client had pushed all the right buttons with me where I should have walked away but instead fed into his game play. This exchange resulted in the client making physical threats toward me which other staff observed.. Threats are not tolerated. The client was isolated. The unit coordinator made the decision… Read more »
It would be nice if bosses and parents would not only admit that they were wrong but also say the words “I apologize”. It also ashamed that many of them don’t regret for the bad things that they did to their loved ones and to their workforce, are rather proud of what they did, and even brag about it.