Louise Thayer finds powerful lessons for human interaction in the way animal packs and herds police themselves.
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I’ve been watching puppies for the last week or so. Sixteen of them to be specific. Their ages range from one to four months old. It’s part of my job to interact with German Shorthaired Pointer puppies (and yes I know … I’m supremely lucky). My role is to assist but not impair their growth. I have to be careful to allow them to experience new things at an age-appropriate level (bearing in mind that they’re prone to fear periods), and to remember that any attempt to ‘do it for them’ can cause them to be stunted in their development as hunting dogs.
The facility where I work is set up beautifully. The pups can roam, explore, and play but still have the safety of retreat to a warm nesting box if the world gets to be a little too much for them. (Wouldn’t it be nice if we all had that?)
The benefit of raising them this way is that they gain self confidence and learn problem-solving abilities, and that their innate talents emerge in due course, with no sense of pressurization or anxiety.
The animal, under pressure can display a whole range of “undesirable” behaviors (fear biting, running away or kicking for example) as they try to figure out the right answer to their upsetting situation.
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Quite often I’ll run across a dog or horse who has had none of these benefits, and it feels as though they have huge gaps in their understanding of how the human world works. They’ll show me the gaps quite clearly when I deliberately seek to expose them or find them unexpectedly. The animal, under pressure can display a whole range of “undesirable” behaviors (fear biting, running away or kicking for example) as they try to figure out the right answer to their upsetting situation.
It’s not personal. They’re just a dog or a horse doing a dog or a horse thing until we step in and (hopefully) explain things to them differently.
The undesirable behavior may persist into adulthood, and the term “baby behavior” can just as easily apply to a ten-year-old horse as a two-year-old.
In the horse world, (in an ideal wild herd situation at least), “baby” horses are allowed to strike, kick, and otherwise antagonize the rest of the herd for approximately the first two years of life, after which the whole herd decides that it’s time for the baby to grow up. To teach this communal lesson they use the same manner of fighting talk to get their point across … except that they’re no longer playing.
Herd survival depends upon the ability of every member to learn to toe the line and not act too crazy, or else they’ll draw predators in for the kill.
The difference between us and horses or dogs is that humans have the capacity to pause and think about the behaviors we are exhibiting.
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The difference between us and horses or dogs is that humans have the capacity to pause and think about the behaviors we are exhibiting.
Other animals instinctively react to their environment in a much more coherent way than we typically do. The herd says “stop the behavior,” and the behavior stops, and that former “baby” horse is established within the pecking order. Peace ensues.
♦◊♦
I believe that we, as a species, need to actively seek ways to find the same kind of herd dynamics, or else we are doomed to repeat each other’s patterns of baby behavior. Actual, real wars and death ensue because of escalated baby behavior. If things were in balance, why would anyone need to choose the death of a member of their own species?
As a trainer and friend of horses I firmly believe that we need to set clear boundaries with our half-ton companions. Without them we’re potentially dead. When it comes to other human beings however, we often become unclear in what it is that we’ll accept, and we waver on our unclear boundaries—especially if the person pushing on them is slightly unstable, demonstrating baby behaviors themselves.
There are ways to blend with anyone’s energy, no matter how uncomfortably it initially presents itself. I do it all day long in my work with animals. Humans are just more complicated and verbal.
We should never get angry when an animal steps over a line we haven’t drawn clearly or consistently enough for them to find.
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My lovely friend and mentor, horseman, Aikidoist, and author Mark Rashid, talks about doing as little as possible but as much as necessary when it comes to our animal interactions. Our ‘domesticated’ animals live in a human and inherently unnatural world, therefore we have a duty to show them how to act within it. We should never get angry when an animal steps over a line we haven’t drawn clearly or consistently enough for them to find.
People constantly do ‘as little as possible’ when it comes to their animals’ unwanted behavior, but often fall short of doing as much as necessary.
We must continually ask ourselves if we’re demonstrating the same traits as we find repellant in others. Now we are no longer children, “who started it” really doesn’t matter. We can all decide to drop the aspects of ourselves we deplore in hindsight. Keeping up with the practice takes conscious and selfless effort. As Mark also says …”It’s simple but it’s not easy.”
I think we should learn how to graciously acknowledge and claim our own baby behaviors. They’re just remnants of parts of us that still crave attention and for someone or something to tell us that we’re safe and warm in our nesting box.
I’ve found out as I’ve grown through several key relationships, that it’s not fair to freak out and expect someone else to take the assault. When we get ourselves in an emotional bind, we often react by becoming hysterical or by lashing out (physically or verbally), or by running away (literally or mentally), or by sending knee-jerk passive aggressive text messages and emails that can never be retracted. Our lives are crazy and fast-paced. We are in as unnatural a situation as the horses and dogs. Our buttons are constantly being pushed, and we need to recognize the signs before we escalate our baby behaviors.
If we don’t see and feel these mistakes, we’ll never learn to grown bigger than them.
Where we all seem to get (at least temporarily) stuck is when we run into the childlike loop that tells us we must be ‘right’ and that anything else is ‘wrong.’ Then we defend the point down to the small smug voice in our head … our ego … point scoring away until we ‘know’ we were justified in our actions.
Google “cognitive dissonance” if you want to learn more. We don’t even know why we act a certain way, but we’ve done it for so long that it’s just that thing we do. I think we need to challenge such habitual behavior—whenever it is that we can wake up and recognize that it’s happening.
An adult decision in comparison to a baby decision is one that makes a selfish action a selfless one. I think this is what mindfulness is all about.
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An adult decision in comparison to a baby decision is one that makes a selfish action a selfless one. I think this is what mindfulness is all about. Thinking of others, being present, in the moment, non-judgmental, and accepting.
By at least our mid-thirties we should hopefully have witnessed that when we perform a selfless act, we derive as much joy from seeing the other person made happy as we would from being made to feel that way ourselves.
This is how we know that we’re truly acting for the other, not being a child, with childlike greed for the bigger portion of food at the dinner table of life.
Often, (and paradoxically), witnessing happiness for others can turn to envy or resentment if we’re not in equilibrium.
That’s a baby behavior.
“She has the bigger toy.”
“He wasn’t allowed to play with my toys for that long.”
If you’ve ever been in a house full of four and five-year-olds, you’ll know exactly what I mean. Children push boundaries to test where they hold their form. Animals do the same thing. Problems arise when we make it to the age of supposed adulthood—we may even marry and have children—and yet we are still full of baby behavior ourselves and there are no boundaries clearly defined.
When we run into baby behavior in others, it’s my humble opinion that we should witness but not try to fix it. That by simply showing an example of non-retaliatory behavior when we legitimately feel under attack, we can instead show compassion for the part of that fellow human being who has not yet learned a particular lesson in life. We can look for the lessons this “attack” brings.
We don’t have to be unkind in return to having unkindness thrust upon us, nor do we have to take it personally. It has nothing to do with us.
That’s worth repeating. The behavior of other people had nothing to do with us. It’s not our business. Our business is to look at why it was that we felt triggered to react back in a childlike manner.
If any of this seems overly complicated … just keep coming back to this point. When we leave an encounter with a fellow human being or an animal feeling less than stellar about the way we’ve conducted ourselves … that’s because we’ve acted in a childlike way. We have gaps. It’s simple but not easy to find them.
Address pain and dig for its root. It’s your pain … you’re the only one experiencing it. Pain is not a life sentence, there are always ways to tap into the inherent health of the system. Even when life feels too hard.
Why don’t we, instead of constantly going through life reacting and being triggered, take the time to have a good think about what it is that we find acceptable or unacceptable in our own lives? Why don’t we clearly state those boundaries to others when the time comes to do so?
We’re often so afraid of triggering someone’s baby response that we tiptoe around and never say what we need to say to be true to ourselves.
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We’re often so afraid of triggering someone’s baby response that we tiptoe around and never say what we need to say to be true to ourselves.
The ruination of many a relationship has come from this place with me, especially with the men I’ve dated and married. I’ve been as guilty of throwing a tantrum as the next person. I look back now and see that I had to do so to learn and to grow to this current point of my still evolving life.
I still cringe at some memories but follow the shame with a shot of patience for my former self who simply didn’t know better.
Instead of angrily lashing back at our boss or spouse, why don’t we make a clear and conscious effort to see their point of view as they chastise us? It still has nothing to do with us and everything to do with their own personal way of communicating their needs.
Buying into the drama of a reprimand or stress-induced marital row takes us further away from the point of building relationships. We should also not be doormats, puppies squirming on our backs, soft underbellies exposed, but if we react angrily, all we incite is more anger. By not reacting in a typical lashing back fashion, we cause the other person to have to redirect their “attack,” at which point they may very well realize their own baby behavior and diffuse it for themselves.
♦◊♦
My (thus far minimal) study of Aikido with Mark has taught me a gracious approach to blending with an opponent’s energy and softly “helping” them to the ground.
Meaning no harm to ourselves as we recognize when our own stress levels are high and then choosing to do something about it is key to not inflicting reactive and mis-delivered wrath or anger onto others. This can change the world. One person at a time.
If you can think of nothing else to do at the time you get triggered, remember to breathe. Mark also taught us to exhale all the air from our lungs first. We can potentially keep taking shallow chest breaths forever, but this keeps us in a state of nervous arousal. If we exhale all the way out, we are far more likely to next draw a diaphragmatic breath when we invite air into our bodies.
Then we keep those deep breaths going. Breathe into the painful areas slowly and with curiosity not fear. Let your system adjust to the change. Practice this lying down on your back to begin with, one hand at base of your throat and the other on your belly. Your belly should rise first with only a minimal lift of the hand at your throat by the end of the inhale. If you choose to practice this, just know that it takes time to develop the skill of diaphragmatic breathing, it takes more time and patience still to learn how to breathe correctly as you drive or sit at your desk or walk or as you’re faced with conflict.
It takes a lot of focus to train ourselves out of baby behavior, but all we need to think about is how we feel about the way that we’re conducting ourselves at any given time. Slowing down and deciding how to be in the moment is key to our ability to shift from reactive to aware or selfish to selfless.
Just breathing correctly sets off a cascade of responses from our central nervous system which tells us that the danger is lessening, that we can use our entire capacity to reason and not just our primal reptilian brain. Breathing is both voluntary and involuntary. We can talk ourselves down off that ledge.
Multiple times and as much as necessary.
Photo—lovecatz/Flickr
Lou is generally right about most horse things! We have both been close and kicked and nearly killed several times, but only for lack of the proper approach of a horse which is why what she says gives so much legitimacy to her lecture and knowledge on this little thing here. Louise was kicked in the chest as she was working with a very talented horse once. It was a one time odd situation as IT (the horse) was one of our favorite students, but was tied to the railing with a potential set-back situation. I was so fortunate to… Read more »
Wonder thoughtful article.
Dear Louise
I find this a thoroughly well presented article/blog and hopefully more people will take the time to read it and think critically about how they can help themselves and help others, be they human or horse/dog etc. Marks’ understanding and thoughts support this way of thinking so well. The Martial Arts do compliment these processes when applied as intended.
sincerely
John Saint Ryan
Hello Lou… This is my second attempt to get this off to you and I am not sure if the prior made it through with a crash of my browser, or whatever happened. I greatly enjoyed reading your blog and plan to return for more. You and I had a brief interaction as acquaintances in our Bandera days. I had no idea you are an excellent writer and can count that as another facet among the other talents of yours that I observed. Likewise, you had no idea of my passion for writing and that was far more my passion… Read more »