It’s not drugs, it’s not sex, and it’s not alcohol.
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What’s your addiction?
Alcohol? Drugs? Sex? Porn? Lying? People? Pain?
Or maybe, less harmful: television, gossip or worrying?
You and I have lots of addictions in our lives. Some we recognize and some we deny. Some we succumb to consciously and some subconsciously.
My addiction was my marriage. Truthfully, my addiction was not being able to let go of it.
When my marriage fell apart, I went on a steep downward spiral. I began to lose my place in the world. I quit my job, bounced out of my legal career, left the country, and essentially hid myself for a couple years. I stopped talking to just about everyone I knew and went into a period of hibernation and self-reflection.
I was ashamed and didn’t want to be seen by the world.
In retrospect, I realize that it wasn’t my marriage I was addicted to.
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Until that point, everything had been going on track. College degree by 22. Marriage and law degree by 25. A good-paying job and house by 27. A wife on her path to becoming a doctor. Life was good.
Failing didn’t come easily to me. Letting go of what was didn’t come easily to me either.
In retrospect, I realize that it wasn’t my marriage I was addicted to. Nor my ex-wife. Nor the good times we shared together or the dreams we had for our future.
No, my addiction was a little more mundane and commonplace.
I was addicted to security.
Not security of the, “I hope I have a house to sleep in and don’t end up homeless,” and not, “I hope my car doesn’t breakdown in a crummy neighborhood and I’m fighting for my life with my Gandhi-esque stature” kind.
No, it wasn’t that kind of security.
It was the security of what was. It was the security of the status quo.
Yes, I despised change and this volcano of change I was experiencing was not only unwanted but uncontrollable.
I drifted off in the larva of pain, uncertainty, and losing of my identity.
The security we crave keeps us where we are in our lives.
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Would it be better to go away silently into the burning pool of hot ashes and embers without being seen again, dying a slow fiery death?
I had romantic visions of escape from life itself.
I had been addicted to security; I was terrified of change.
Years later, standing here and writing this, I’ve realized a few things.
The security we crave keeps us where we are in our lives. It keeps us in unfulfilling jobs, dysfunctional relationships, and from making the necessary changes we need to make.
It’s our desire for security that prevents us from taking risks, being truthful to ourselves, and growing as people.
It is when we crave security and clutch it too closely that life may give us a jolt to break us from this unhealthy addiction.
Life tells us painfully and in no uncertain terms a lesson we should have learned long ago: there’s no such thing as security.
Like the weather and the seasons, life will change.
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You also need to know that while the volcano is dormant most of our lives, the volcano of change and insecurity will erupt several times throughout your life.
You will find yourself in a new job or without a job; in a new relationship or without a relationship; loving someone you know and losing them too soon.
Each of these life events will challenge you, test you, and help you break your addictions to security.
At the end of the day, we can’t hold onto things the way they are. Like the weather and the seasons, life will change.
The way to deal with our addiction is to be aware of it, prepare for it, and do something about it when it does show up.
With preparation and experience, you can manage change as it unfolds in your life.
With an open mind, you can welcome in the changes that will try to consume you, knowing that the more often you deal with embracing change, the better you’ll get at it.
The more you experience the downsides of change, the more grateful you’ll be for all the good things change brings into your life.
The more you see change like a game, the more adventurous life becomes.
There is a cure to breaking our addictions to security: embracing the changes that unfold in our lives.
Change, as unpleasant as it sometimes is, can bring in new opportunities, new relationships and improved situations. Not far behind, change will come with learning, growth, insight and development.
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Photo: Pixabay