His wife’s still not sure if she wants kids. He’s afraid she’s made up her mind yet won’t tell him… Allana Pratt Intimacy Expert suggests that…
Question: Every time someone asks my wife if she wants kids, she says “not yet”. We talked about children before we were married and she was indifferent but with that kind of response, I feel like she has made up her mind. I don’t even know if I want children. I left it open ended because she didn’t seem to care either way. Is there a way to talk to her about this without it ending with divorce papers?
Answer: You sound hurt that your wife was somewhat open the possibility of children and now you’re afraid she’s already made up her mind that she’s a NO, yet just avoiding the truth by telling people, “not yet”, yes? And you’re afraid that bringing it up will cause a divorce, yes?
Whoah my friend, let’s slow down. That’s a big jump from assuming she’s a No to divorce papers, especially when you are not even sure you desire a family, yes?
Generally when we jump to conclusions so quickly, we’re not in our heart, grounded in our bodies, connected to our truth. Generally we’re spinning in our heads, in fear doubt and memories of the past, yes?
What if this is a great time to improve your communication skills so that it’s safe for both of you to talk about what’s true for you without the other one flying off the handle or jumping to conclusions… just listening with an open heart, asking, Tell me more love, I’m listening.
A really great place to start would be for YOU to get clear on what YOU desire. Are children a deal breaker for you or not? Then would you be willing to hear her truth as well? From there you can ask what else is possible that we’ve never considered that would honor each of our truths?
My sense is that you two might not have a history of great communication, perhaps not masterful yet in being able to be a spacious non judgmental listener were you don’t make conclusions, you stay in the question with an open heart, yes? That’s not a skill we’re born with so don’t worry! And often it’s not a skill our folks taught us either… in fact sometimes we’ve been taught highly ineffective sabotaging mechanisms that destroy trust, respect and intimacy when all along we’re just trying to be happy!
Do you love your wife? Do you love your dreams? Are you willing to invest in your relationship like anything in your life you’re committed to that’s worth working on? I sense a third person holding space so that each of you feel seen, heard, acknowledged, honored… would provide HUGE insights and create a renewed connection to this topic and more. Worse case you discover that it’s a deal breaker for both of you … one to have children and the other not to have kids.. and you choose to consciously uncouple with kindness and honor. Best case you are on the same page and can end taking things personally and assuming the worse, and instead create highly effective bonding communication skills that build intimacy into an even hotter healthy marriage.
The cost of not doing this work is an unnecessary divorce and unnecessary pain… AND making the same mistakes again in your next relationship because you didn’t do the work. Yes it will take courage, but courageous men are noble badasses, which is totally sexy if you ask me 😉 You can apply for a complementary strategy session with me at www.AllanaPratt.com/connect. Your peace, joy and freedom is worth it.
Additionally you might both want to scroll to the bottom of www.AllanaPratt.com to my Praise Room to learn what men, women and colleagues say about the results I create for thriving relationships. There are tons of videos, articles and my weekly newsletter to enjoy as well as my radio show IntimateConversationsLive.com where there are over 100 interviews to download as my complementary gift to you.
You can do this, perhaps not alone, yet together we can turn this around, great love, Allana xoxo