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May, 2012. 27 years old.
Millennial issues —erratic career, entitlement and divided between dreams, old and new.
Old—to live abroad. New—to build a family.
Old—feeling too old. New—feeling too green.
Old—mine. New—shared.
I am part of the earliest batches of the millennials, among the first to challenge the imposed sine qua non-conditions imposed to become an adult: Get a job for life, get a home, have kids, teach them to do the same, die.
Although we demonize this wheel of milestones with an anachronic perception from today’s society, this made perfect sense for a modernizing mid-20th century world that, on one hand offered stability in the long run with less complex market structures and, on the other, demanded a strong conformity to rules to deal with the intense war period that covered most of the century.
Getting married seemed like the “game over” for the fun and free life of the uncommitted single person. Buying a house was like tethering yourself to a longer-than-life debt; as if signing your financing / mortgage papers was like signing away the myriad of opportunities that are only offered to those that are available. The same concept applied to commit to one company or job, or to commit to any relationship, be it friends or significant others.
A generation that became too busy with possibilities and ignored reality until it happened.
A generation that embraced the fear of missing out by letting go of what was already “in.”
The “what if” generation.
Back to early May, 2012. 27 years old. Dating for almost three years and juggling facts and possibilities as if they had the same weight. The relationship was solid, there was partnership, love, passion, chemistry and affinity. But, in my view, the future was too hazy to make a decision.
What if I receive an opportunity to work abroad?guesn
What if I have to change jobs?
What if I spend my money on buying a house and then a new investment opportunity appears?
What if I am not ready? After talking to a few friends that were facing the same crossroads and with the same conditions – single, job-hopping and so on – I still felt stuck. I mean, there was some endeared reassurance in the fact that I was not alone in the predicament, but no relief and no decision-making.
After dinner one night, my girlfriend stated in a very matter-of-fact way that she had made her decision and she would not wait forever for mine. No tears, no emotional blackmailing, just an ultimatum with no clear, but very near, deadline.
A couple days later, I asked to talk to a good friend of mine. One of the few married friends and one of the fewer that already had kids. After blabbing in a most honorable way about my dilemma, she asked me what was my main concern? After another display of verbosity, she made me admit and realize that, in a very self-centered way, what I felt was that I was reluctant in making my choices impact someone else; as if I was the only one able to handle my oh-so-daunting-challenges.
She pointed out two obvious points that I was ignoring and gave me this short anticlimactic advice that I have been carrying ever since:
One – That I was selfish by not acknowledging that my girlfriend was a grown woman that was able to make decisions by herself.
Two – That I was immature by not realizing that what I feared (my decisions impacting my girlfriend) was exactly what was happening on the other way around (my girlfriend decision impacting me). By not sharing the decisions (and their impacts), I was back to point number one.
After reassuring me that my fear of the difficulties and consequences was not unfounded, her exact words were: “there is nothing better than going through challenges together.”
In Portuguese, the word she used for challenge was not “desafio” which is a more literary and broad term. She used “perrengue”, a slang for ‘daily difficulties,’ bringing this visceral message that even the small hardships were also considered in this togetherness. At that moment, the logic flipped the switch and it made sense. Deciding was not a matter of quelling questions, but to identify the right ones, the ones which lead to growth when answered.
The question was no longer “do you see a future with her?” but “do you want a future without her?” With the right question, the decision was rather easy. The following month, when we went out to celebrate our third dating anniversary, I proposed. One and a half years later, we got married. Less than one year after we got married, as life is filled with ironies, I received a proposal to work abroad. The decision was made together and we went to the other side of the world.
Before—conflict of one old dream to live abroad; one new dream, to build a family.
Now—one single shared reality: building a family living abroad.
There will always be new challenges (or “perrengues”) in life. Every time I face them, I remember my friend’s words and become even more convinced that her advice was spot on; it is definitely better together.
Photo: GettyImages