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I’m a proud feminist. I believe women should get the same consideration as men, and I fight for their right to get it. I care about all women, and especially the women in my life. I want them to feel supported and loved and valued as equal human beings. And the truth of the matter is that I have those beliefs in the middle of a social system that says the exact opposite to women every day. We’re in a system that has created hundreds of years of well-worn patterns that show women men don’t feel like I do, and have taught women they need to protect themselves from us.
When we’re trying to break oppressive systems, intent doesn’t matter if we are playing out a common pattern of oppression.
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That’s a drag for a feminist man! It would be so much easier if we didn’t have to repair centuries of oppression. But wishing it away isn’t useful. What we can do is try to answer this question: in the context of our history and current society, what’s the best way to show women our support and that we are their allies in life? I’m starting to think the most important thing I can do is have my behavior break from the past and current patterns of oppression.
To illustrate my point, let’s start with a simple example. It’s late at night, and I’m walking down the street. A block and a half ahead of me there’s a woman walking on the sidewalk, in the same direction as me, a bit slower than I am. She hears me coming, and is aware of me, because being a woman in our society means she has to be ever-aware of her safety in a way that men usually don’t. She has been in this situation before–hearing a man walking up behind her at night. In this moment she has to rely on her years of experience to assess the risk she’s in. Will there be an unwanted encounter of some kind? Or will there be no problem? Will the unknown man be aggressive, perhaps violent, or just walk past without incident?
What a crappy position I’ve put her in just by walking down the street. In that moment I can be totally oblivious to what she’s going through. Or, I can be aware and think to myself, I bear no ill will toward this woman, I am not a threat to her, so I’ll just walk up behind her and past her with no incident. She’s safe around me. And she is safe around me. I know that. But she doesn’t know me or my intent. She doesn’t know what I’m planning. What she does know is that I’m acting out a well worn pattern she’s seen before.
When we’re trying to break oppressive systems, intent doesn’t matter if we are playing out a common pattern of oppression. All that matters is we’re living in the pattern. Following a well-worn oppressive pattern but with good intention means we’re expecting the oppressed person to trust our intent is different from all the times they’ve experienced that pattern before. We’re inadvertently saying, “you’ve been bitten before, over and over again, but trust me, this time is different.” Is that the best we can offer in the way of allyship?
If we’re thinking about breaking the patterns, our street scenario could play out very differently. Seeing her half a block ahead, I could cross the street and walk on the other side. So simple! I could make the situation less stressful for her. I can get her out of the position of having to intuit if my dark, unknown figure is trustable. I can free her of some of the burden of looking for escape paths, and getting her phone ready for an emergency call to the police. And I can do that just by crossing the street because I see the pattern and choose to break it.
If we approach life as an opportunity to be an ally to women by breaking the old patterns of oppression, we will start to see these patterns everywhere. The best way to see the patterns is to listen to women. They know them inside and out, and talk about them. If you start listening for them, they’ll become clear very quickly Here are a few I’ve heard and seen over and over again:
• When women talk about the unfair status quo and how to change it and men say something like, you have a valid point, but speaking up in that way, or at this time just isn’t the best way to make change. Wait on that.
• When a woman makes a point in a meeting and a man “clarifies” by saying, “well, actually…” and then proceeds to diminish the input.
• When a woman has a great idea and a few minutes later a man claims it as his own
• When a man plays devil’s advocate in conversations about feminism and oppression
We can break all those patterns–it’s not that hard. When a woman stands up to oppression, break out of the pattern by supporting her choice of action and timing. When a woman makes a point in a meeting, appreciate it and ask her to clarify and extend it. Don’t set up false hypotheticals that are simply there to diminish her argument and protect the status quo.
But the biggest pattern we need to break is the pattern of male silence. Our silence in the face of unfairness is the most insidious and destructive pattern, and the most difficult to take on. Edmund Burke’s famous quote captures it so well, “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” Our silence when other men are sexist, our failure to speak in support of women when there is unfairness, our silence when oppressed people take a real risk–it’s all we have to do as men to keep things the way they are. Our silence is visible to women as an unbroken wall of male solidarity in support of the status quo. Our silence must end–we must break that pattern along with all the rest. Breaking patterns is a key step on the path to strong male allyship.
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Well, actually… I don’t know where you live or how wide the streets are there, but just by hearing someone walking 1.5 block behind you, can you really tell what side of the street they are on?
But really, what good does it do to simply cross the street? If it takes you 2-3 seconds to run back across it? If you are really formeost concerned with her peace of mind and not just her perception of security, why not turn around and walk another way? Stop for 10 minutes and let her disappear out of sight and earshot?
Oh just run past her, slap her on the ass and yell ‘TAG, You’re IT’ as you do
I give not one f*ck wit if a random stranger in the dark street ‘trusts’ me. I don’t trust any of you, it is why I always packed in the U.S.
FOR ALL YOU KNOW, that shadow with the hair and heels just might be a guy, especially on Central Broadway, Cap Hill, Pioneer Square pub crawl, First Hill Friendz Zone or Denny Regrade. (tip of the hat to the old Seattle Haunts)
We’re inadvertently saying, “you’ve been bitten before, over and over again, but trust me, this time is different.” Is that the best we can offer in the way of allyship? I think this is a part of the problem. It like there is a desire to be in a controlling (for lack of better word) positision. Because while you hear that Im hearing, “I’ve been bitten so I’m going to prejudicially misjudge you as a man and its on you to change to suit me.” I’m not certain that alllyship is what people want. They want to be in the… Read more »
What is she supposed to do then? The odds of a bad encounter may be small, but if she loses those odds, the outcome could be very bad.
Does she tell herself, “I know most men aren’t bad, so I’m going to trust this one”?
Its an ugly situation mason because you can’t control other people nor can you expect them to meet unrealistic and unfair standards (or at the very least standards that would be immediately recognized as unrealistic and unfair if we were talking about other groups). I don’t problem with “I don’t know what he’s gonna do Im gonna keep an eye on him.” I’m not saying she is wrong to be weary of all men because of what may happen is she loses the odds you mention (and I don’t think most people do). What I think people have a problem… Read more »
Well I don’t like it either. It really sucks, but it’s also just the way it is. If I’m walking behind a woman at night, she’s almost certainly _going_ to label me a threat. There’s nothing I can do about it in the moment except move to the other side of the street (or something like that). Is it fair? Hell no. I deeply hate the fact that women who don’t know me aren’t going to feel safe in alot of places. But me thinking that it’s not fair and that she’s judging me before she knows me doesn’t change… Read more »
I didn’t say it was her responsibility alone to change it. And thinking its not fair and that she is judging you will not fix it either but its better than just assuming worst faith in all men and then putting the onus on men to appease women. What I do think will fix it is simply not going around judging people based on arbitrary characteristics. If this were any other dynamic like black/white, young/old, gay/straight, etc…. or even men not trusting women no amount of “members of your group have mistreated me so I am labeling all members of… Read more »
Well it does apply to other groups: many black people probably don’t trust the police and with good reason. If cops don’t like that, they should fix themselves. My belief is that it isn’t discriminatory since the cops (and the men above) are the more powerful class of people (on average). I think of “reverse racism” (the misguided belief that black people somehow discriminate against white people) the same way. There may be some black people who think that white people are all bad, or stupid, or whatever, but it doesn’t really matter because white people have most of the… Read more »
Well it does apply to other groups: many black people probably don’t trust the police and with good reason. If cops don’t like that, they should fix themselves. What good would it do if the cops just stopped interacting with black people altogether? Imagine a cop walking the beat and comes across some black people. Instead of just going on minding their own business they actually suddenly change direction and actively avoided black people. Imagine a police chief telling the cops to not interact with black people. But the relations between cops and black people isn’t quite the same as… Read more »
I think a better analogy around policing is community policing–where cops are changing the current pattern by engaging more often and in ways that are not strictly about direct law enforcement. These kinds of “unexpected” behaviors make a difference in changing the relationship, and bringing about better outcomes by breaking the patterns of police alienation from communities.
Fair enough but even in this example the cops are changing things up by engaging, not avoiding. Now I know its quick to say that Im focusing on the avoidance but what I’m focusing on is exactly how men are supposed to be earning women’s trust.
@ mason bryant The thing is I’m aware of where people are at night men or women. I’m wary of strangers too. I was at a bar once and got hit on by a woman who just turned 21. I was early 30s at the time. My friends were doing a decent job killing my game so I decided to take her to the other side of the bar. I was making progress then a few minutes later my friends were pulling me out of the bar. One asked if I still had my wallet. I asked if it was… Read more »
I (big middle aged guy) recently overtook a young female on a sidewalk in a situation with no other people around and few escape routes. To put her at ease I cheerfully shouted from 10 yards behind “hi there! coming up behind you, didn’t want to scare you!” I think she appreciated it and we even walked together for awhile after she initiated conversation. Go beyond acknowledgement and be an ally.
That is awesome. I get a little fearful myself when I am walking home at night by myself. Not because I think most men are bad but because I know that it just takes one guy and bad guys rarely look like bad guys. I was in a train station once coming home from NYC to NJ at night. A young guy came up to me and started to harass me. I gave him polite but minimal attention, luckily I had my head in a book so it was easy to act engrossed in my book. But he wouldn’t leave… Read more »
Whenever I here a feminist mention ally, I always check to see if it’s a euphemism for disposable utility. I don’t remember ever seeing it something other than. For example, your woman walking alone at night. Should I pass her? Absolutely, what better way to break the pattern of the man walking behind her is dangerous than to be a guy walking behind her who doesn’t harass her. Put it this way. What if every good man crossed the street? That would simply mean that the guy behind her intends her harm. Would she be less afraid or even more… Read more »
But the problem isn’t that women are irrationally afraid of men walking behind them at night (and that we need to show them that guys are safe by passing by them safely.)
The problem is that woman are _rationally_ afraid of men walking behind them at night because occasionally, one of them does something really horrible.
So if more good men cross the street, she’ll at least know that the one dude who didn’t more likely to be a threat and she can act accordingly.
John said nothing about rational v irrational. He seems to be questioning exactly how do men earn the trust of women by turning in a different direction when they come across a woman. I’ve spoken with women who have said they would find it suspicious if a guy suddenly changed course upon noticing she was there. His presence just makes her wonder. Suddenly changing direction puts her on full alert for a sneak attack or an ambush from his friends. I don’t think advocating segregation is the answer (and while that sounds a bit hyperbolic that’s what you are saying).… Read more »
I don’t think it’s about avoiding women, it’s about breaking patterns. I think your example is a great one of being a good ally. Your open communication was spot on. And if she told you she didn’t want you to stay, you would have left. I think allyship is about offering support, and acting in integrity. I use the walking down the street example because I have had many women talk about exactly this situation and how grateful they are when a man proactively crosses the street.
I figure you just mean this one situation. I offered thoughts from other women not as a way to shut out the ones you referenced in this post but to show that not all women are the same therefore you can’t craft one magic bullet that will work for all women. Some may like the fact that you moved, some will think you are weird, and some will get even more suspicious of you.