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I recently conducted a survey of group coaching clients. I asked them what they needed help with from a coach. By far the most common answer was fear that was holding them back.
Fear is a primal emotion; it goes way back into the survival areas of our brain. When appropriate, fear can save our life. For example, that twinge you might feel in your stomach as you approach the edge of a cliff may remind you to pay close attention to where you step. However, as modern men, our fears can sometimes be generalized inappropriately. As social creatures, we are biologically and socially geared towards forming tribes. Approval of our social group is a biological drive. So one of the things we may fear is stepping out in a way that invites disapproval.
Our fear can keep us from living our dreams. There is so much unstated and stated pressure to conform to social norms, often were not even aware of it. We live it.
I can remember growing up in an era when anything seen as not masculine might invite ridicule. The ridicule might come from my father, other relatives, social peers. The pressure to conform and avoid ostracization was formidable. I think it’s fair to say, that it prevented a lot of boys in my generation from living out their potential.
So one of the greatest fears created by socialization is the fear of failure. We are often afraid to fail because it will affect how others view us. It will change how we see ourselves. Success is valued, failure is shunned.
How many millions of people, perhaps billions, never step into their full potential? How many never try?
One of the things that drives me as a coach is to see people step into themselves, live authentically, and live the lives of their dreams. So, I’d like to give you some strategies to help you become the kind of person who can step out and at least try.
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1. Name the feeling.
One of the important aspects of emotional intelligence is to be in touch with one’s feelings. Understand what you are feeling, give it a name. Is it anxiety, is it fear, is it terror?
One of the interesting things you might discover is that by putting a name to the feeling, you’ll diffuse some of its potency. This happens because naming things moves the thought process out from the older, mammalian, parts of the brain into the Neocortex.
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2. Describe the fear.
Describing is very similar to naming the feeling. Very often, we have this generalized sensation of anxiety or apprehension. We can make very poor decisions based on such fuzzy information.
So describe the feeling in your body at least to yourself. Where is it? How big is it? How does it feel? If you were to visualize it as a color, what color would it be? Does it have a texture or temperature?
So this is about making what is unconscious conscious. Bring light to your actual feeling, the pure sensation. And one of the things you might find is that as you trace this feeling, it dissipates somewhat. But whether it does or not, you will at least have a good idea of what the sensation is actually like.
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3. Make friends with the fear.
All of your feelings have a positive intention for you. Your feelings have three purposes. They serve to protect, provide, or prevent. Fear is often a protective feeling, sometimes trying to keep you safe from physical harm. Sometimes it is trying to stop something that is in immediate danger.
So when you look at it that way, fear is not your enemy. It is a friend. However, it might be a friend that comes around at inappropriate times. It might be a friend who expresses itself in inappropriate ways.
We know that what you resist persists. So the more you try to push your friend away, the more he’s going to pop over at unexpected times.
So make friends with your fear. How do you do this? You welcome it. You embrace your fear, or whatever you’re feeling. Lessening the resistance dissipates the feeling.
Let me tell you a short personal story. I was called to do a live TV interview. It was last minute, and I had about 1/2 an hour to grab a jacket and tie and get to the studio. There was no time to prepare mentally. I was going on live.
So as I sat in the makeup chair, and later in the green room, I welcomed up all my fear and nervousness. I can tell you there was a lot of it. I welcomed it; I let it come up.
I happen to perform pretty well on TV that night. And this is a little trick I use all the time. I use this when my children are upset; I tell them to let all the angry feelings up. In a matter of seconds, the bad feelings dissipate.
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4. Inoculate yourself against fear.
Fear inoculation works the same way as disease vaccination. You give yourself small safe doses of the thing that you fear. Over time, your mind and body learn that this is not a real threat to your safety.
For example, let’s say you have a fear of public speaking. One of the best ways to get around this is to start speaking in small ways. Some people might join a Toastmasters club. Some people might start by giving toasts at small gatherings of friends.
The idea is to train yourself to move towards things that are safe but that you once feared. Get into action.
One important consideration is that you want to take small steps. If you’re petrified of heights, trying to force yourself to jump out of a plane might be too much and make the problem worse. Another consideration is that you want to choose things that are relatively safe. Again, if you’re scared of heights, climbing a cell phone tower may be a poor choice for you. Start small and safe, maybe on the second step of a step ladder.
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5. Dive into the source of the fear.
Fear can either be a feeling or a complex of feelings. It shows up in the body hormonally and in the nervous system. However, the sensation of fear has no real substance. It is not a physical thing.
So if you’re experiencing fear, imagine diving into the center of that feeling. Go deeper and deeper until you get to its very core.
What I think you’ll find is nothing. There’s nothing at the center, except a sense of your core self. Your core self is calm, curious, and compassionate. It is not fearful. But this is something you’ll have to experiment with for yourself.
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6. Feel the fear and do it anyway.
This is the title of a book by Dr. Susan Jeffers. In her book, Dr. Jeffers, offers a lot of solutions for getting into action even when we feel fear. The point is that you can feel all kinds of things and still get into action.
As I pointed out above, getting into action despite fear is a one way to inoculate yourself against emotional paralysis.
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7. Decide that failing is okay.
One of my martial arts teachers used to make us smile whenever we made a mistake. Why? He wanted to train us to learn. And honestly, you do not learn without mistakes.
So you need to decide if what you may lose by failing is greater than what you may lose by never trying at all. By agreeing that it’s okay if you fail, you will remove lots of pressure. You may find, that success comes easier when the pressure is relieved.
If you do fail, whatever that means, you can still extract value from experience. This is particularly the case when you learn as much as you can, or the experience is transformational.
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