If there is one thing I really don’t like about so-called “toxic masculinity,” it’s that it (allegedly, since it doesn’t speak for itself) promotes the idea that stoicism is more acceptable than the various other ways that men can approach life. Stoicism can be useful in certain contexts, but it’s a disaster in others. Just ask any woman who has dated a fair number of men—she will tell you how incompetent they are at emotional connection and how this ultimately put an end to any connection. I prefer to approach life with my heart on my sleeve.
I cannot say I have been more successful because of my tendency to share my (honest) feelings in intimate situations or display anger, disappointment, resentment, and other negative emotions outwardly. But I can say that I have felt more like a genuine human being for doing so. There are many, many men who I cannot say the same for—some who act as if they have no interest in being human at all. They merely perform tasks and subscribe to rudimentary notions of duty as if they are being directed by a puppeteer. While I see the utility in this form of existence (it can certainly help on the job), I do not see the honor in it. And I do not consider it more masculine than a more emotional approach to life.
No one questioned my grandfather’s masculinity. He was a loud, stocky, and aggressive man who didn’t take any sh*t from other men. But I was told he cried the day I was born. Why shouldn’t he cry? His only daughter had her only son. Those were likely tears of joy, but he also might have anticipated—correctly—that we would never get to know each other because he was already in the early stages of Alzheimer’s. My uncle (his son) never showed much emotion until after he was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. It’s as if this terrible disease cut through all his hyper-masculine defense mechanisms, forcing him to face reality before reality came to a halt for him at age 59.
I am not much of a crier myself (except when I think about my uncle), but I respect anyone who can let their feelings out and be vulnerable—in private and in public. This takes a lot more courage than burying one’s feelings or pretending they don’t exist.
In the United States, especially, there are social consequences for outward displays of negativity. Believe me: I’ve learned this the hard way. It’s unfortunate that the prevailing wisdom tells us to take drugs (legal or otherwise), see therapists, read books, or “just deal with it” when we are angry or upset. We are often punished for seeking help from family, friends, colleagues, and strangers—even though this would make us feel far more connected than taking pills designed to change our brain chemistry in order to make us more socially acceptable, meeting a paid professional for an hour a week, or reading a book by someone who has profited off the misery of others. Those of us who have been in therapy know that the real therapy begins when you leave the office and attempt to apply what you learned in a safe space to the unsafe world. Likewise, books can only do so much when grim reality awaits beyond the pages. Researchers have a lot to say about the problems plaguing the human psyche but have little to say about solutions. Practitioners have a lot to say about solutions—until they are taken out of the equation.
I think part of the solution is to take pride in who you are when you’re at your worst. The headline of this piece is a nod to Eve Ensler for redirecting the stigma against female emotion toward the goal of empowerment for women.
I hope to do the same for men.
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Each week on Friday at noon EST, I will be shining a light onto a unique aspect of my identity hidden below the surface. I ask other writers to join me on this quest. Too often we think of “identity” in terms of physical traits, such as gender or race, and neglect the person within. Both sides of the political spectrum cultivate and manipulate identity to gain votes, but a more authentic identity politics entails more than succumbing to labels thrust on us by academics, politicians, and the media in other to further factitious or provincial causes. This series is a call for us as concerned citizens to determine our own labels and, consequently, our own causes.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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