Tears are a sign of strength, Sherri Rosen writes, not weakness.
I raised four boys. The culture told me and them that it wasn’t okay to cry. I said to the boys ” f*ck the culture, it’s okay for you to cry.” How could I have possibly raised four healthy boys into men if they couldn’t cry? What is it about our culture that says “it’s sissy for men to cry or they need to cry privately?” Relationships are hard enough, but to tell men to shutdown, that crying is for sissies, or to be vulnerable is unacceptable does not make for a happy life.
I’ve been with my boys when they had to cry and it was OK. They felt safe enough to do it, it opened their heart up, and they were able to express to me what was going on.
I recently dated this wonderful man in his middle 40′s, and he has three children, one of which is a 13-year-old boy. He told me that one day while his son was playing in a football game he got injured. The father rushed lovingly over to him and whispered in his ear “Don’t cry, don’t cry, wait until you get into the car and then you can cry.”
I cried when he shared the story with me, knowing full well how it would effect his son in a very deep way as he got older. I admitted to him that we were all told by society that the only way you raise strong man is by telling them you don’t cry. And then I told him what a bunch of bullcrap that was and that I encouraged my boys to feel freely to express their emotions. He didn’t think this was helping them develop into strong men.
What does it mean for a man to be strong? Does it mean he cannot cry, he cannot be vulnerable, he has to be invincible and never show someone he trusts his weak or vulnerable side? Does that make him any less of a man? Or does it make him more human, genuine, and honest? I know I’m a strong woman, but I have my weak moments when I fall apart, and I would want to be with a man that allowed me to do so. Some men feel it’s OK for a woman to cry but not a man. When and where did we pickup this double standard?
—Photo Geraint Warlow/Flickr
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When I was 30, my grandmother went in to the hospital for the last time. As is usual in these cases, she was in a lot of pain. She was sitting with my aunt one day, and she asked if she could be let go, and them started to cry. My aunt started to cry. I wanted to cry with them, but then I summoned my self discipline, and didn’t. After letting them cry for a bit, with no sign of this misery abating, I very gently interrupted with a funny story from a few months back. They both stopped… Read more »
Oh Sam we both see the world so differently. I gave my sons the right to be who they are and not interrupt their process because it made me feel uncomfortable.
In the past men had to be able to control their fear despite being confronted with animals many times their size that could easily kill them. Society will judge a man for being weak and crying, he isn’t strong enough to hunt with the group. Women needed to be loving and emotionaly, to buck up small egos, crying is okay for them. Throw these away at your own risk, and watch you children pay the societal consequenses(theyll thank you for it later).
We all cry sometimes, but no I do not think crying should be encouraged. Otherwise you go from crying only when you absolutely can’t bear any more emotional / physical pain, to crying when a fucking tv character dies, or you fail at some simple shit.
No men should not be encouraged to cry, we know when we will, we feel it and its a strong emotion saved for very tough times.
Stop making men into boys.
The person who came up with this belief that real men don’t cry. I wanna find him and beat him sock him in the fucking Jaw and beat him till he cries, then yell “you stupid fuck REAL MEN DO CRY.
I remember that when I messed up or something and would try to cry my stepdad would say. Crying isn’t going to fix the problem, It doesn’t change the fact of what you have done. ME having Asperger’s Syndrome took it as “Don’t cry or you’re not a man”.
as i was bring up my stepson i let them knon there was nothing wrong with a boy or a man crying.. there dad was always like dont you cry. nut the wife and i were always letting them know emotions were good. when i would have to deal with a time they got in trouble we would sit and have a talk about what had happened there were time i would be crying right alomg with them. there was also were alot of family movie night that all four of us would be bawling our eyes out. so we… Read more »
How lucky your children are to have you in their life. Thanks for your feedback Steve.
I fully endorse the right to feel and that includes crying. I am raising five boys and my goal is to allow them the choice whether to cry or to hold on. I do think that there are times and circumstances when it is preferable to restrain from showing emotion. Emotion is powerful and it can affect the observer, often negitively. Sometimes a man must be aware of his audience and elect not to express himself, for the good of others. Teaching a boy to cry is brilliant. Teaching him how to express emotion is noble. Teaching him how to… Read more »
Elegantly said Matt. Thank you.
Oh, yeah. Self-control is not a pathology. Whether the father in question had the age-appropriate lesson is another question. I was taking my son to an ER once, when he was a kid. It required a number of stitches. “I can’t take it,” he said. “What happens when you have to take it?”, I asked. Seemed reasonable. Might happen that he’s banged up and simultaneously taking care of somebody else banged up. He’d better be able to “take it”, or…. Nothing useful gets done. Example: My brother, a C130 navigator, was killed overseas in 1970. For the rest of my… Read more »
“I cried when he shared the story with me, knowing full well how it would effect his son in a very deep way as he got older. I admitted to him that we were all told by society that the only way you raise strong man is by telling them you don’t cry. And then I told him what a bunch of bullcrap that was and that I encouraged my boys to feel freely to express their emotions. He didn’t think this was helping them develop into strong men.” You’ll note “all” and “only” in the second sentence. I think… Read more »
You’ve missed my entire point, so there’s no need in me continuing this dialogue with you. Thanks for your imput.
copyleft. Yeah, and having done so, they are excused from further action. Working with a church kids’ group once, I saw a five-year old hanging on her grandmother’s knee, sobbing and howling. I went over to her and said, “knock it off, you’re hurting my ears”. She looked blank for a moment and then cracked up. Shortly afterwards, she was back to carrying on, tears and the whole bit. Grandma said, “She prefers drama”. A couple of weeks later, more of the noise from the men’s room. I went in and found a four year old boy who’d gotten a… Read more »
Condemning displays of emotion does have a societal purpose too, though. Emotional displays do not solve anything, and often make a stressful situation even worse.
Eventually ,someone has to stop crying and take some rational action.
I’m talking about raising children in an atmosphere that is open so that they feel safe in expressing themselves.. There is also the issue of boundaries and when it’s appropriate and when not. What I did as a mom was to give them the foundation. What they do with it is their call not mine.
I know, and it’s a fair point. I’m just saying either extreme is unhealthy. I know fully grown-up people, some even in their fifties, who still think that “owning their emotions” is the same as actually DOING something about a problem.
Sherri. Real men have cried since forever. The best you can say about the issue is that they probably cry about different things than women do, sometimes. Why that is a problem is not demonstrated. Couple of examples. Years ago, my nephew, then about three, fell down. He looked up at me, not sure whether to cry or not. I said, casually, “You okay?”. He said yes and went on about his business. Had I modeled slobbering all over myself over a trivial fall, he probably would have cried. To no end. My father was an Infantry platoon leader in… Read more »
It’s all about giving a child the space to be who they are including not rushing to them as a young child if they see for themselves that they are okay. I gave my kids the foundation, and the rest is up to them to do what they choose.
No, you have taught them that mastery of their emotions is not important. When a man is overcome by emotion and is unable to sit back and apply critical thinking to his situation, he is less effective.
Sherri – when you read something on the Internet that upsets you and then you sit down to write about it – you are bein driven by emotion, not logic. Emotion is the enemy of logic, and therefor the enemy of civilization, truth and justice.
Good luck with that.
Speaking of which, not fit to run for or be President. As Ed Muskie found out. I assume the same will apply to John Boehner, if and when the time comes.
Too late for me. When I have cried in the past, I felt doubly-bad. I felt bad for the original trigger event, then I felt worse b/c I cried about it.. The couple of times I have let my guard down and cried, the response from my sig. others has not been good. I know that tears aren’t ontologically bad, and admire the folks who get some kind of catharsis when they cry. I’m raising my son to be more expressive with his feelings and we do not hesitate to show affection for one another, even if sometimes it involves… Read more »
Sadly true here also. Much worse for me when it is pejoratively noted in a emotional context when arguing with ones significant other.
Thanks for commenting, Trey.
I still would like the luxury to be able to cry if I felt I really needed to. It would be great to have the support of a girlfriend/wife who wouldn’t stare at me as if I’d grown a second head. This has happened to me twice in the past, and I’m not inclined to open myself up that way anymore.
Mea culpa.
I’m not blaming women here, just the ones that I foolishly had chosen to be with.
CajunMick,
I had the same problem. My solution? I raised the bar and refused to settle for anyone that did not want a man that is essentially fearless.
Hang in there!
Jim:
Your solution is exactly what I’ve done. My tolerance for that sort of attitude within the confines of a intimate relationship is now zero.
It’s spreading to any personal relationships- friends, family, etc.
It’s a great great change! Self-empowering in a healthy way.
Thanks again for replying.
Hope that changes for you. Would be a good questions to ask your significant other on why you are being put down.
My wife has a problem dealing with men / boys being emotionally present….A bit of distance seems to allow her to be comfortable. While very far from the worst of the gender role enforcers I’ve known……Males are expected to stay in the clearly defined emotional box…..only to be allowed out for exercise at her convenience. Scary part is she was a early ed classroom teacher for a few decades…..I’d call her on things about that……but boys tended to be shown to that “box” for their own good.
Wow. what to do when you are in relationship with someone who cannot accept you as you are. What are you supposed to do? I have found that a real problem in relationships.
There is no perfect fit…..I accept that Ihave my blind spots, I most definitely could be a a better person in some cases. I just have issues with the gender bind many guys are in. Most humans want things that are mutually exclusionary….it’s a humam trait….But the emotionally available, hyper macho, deferental, protective yet not posessive, down to earth, genius, billionaire that is held up as the ideal man … I can’t be.
Great point you bring up about being able for you to accept yourself for who you are.
Hope someday you do find a significant other to accept you the way you are.
Another piece pretending that what everybody’s known forever is a bright, shiny new idea to improve men–who clearly need it real, real bad–and missing the question of whyever didn’t we think of it millenia ago.
Richard, I am not sure I understand what you are saying. Could you explain a bit more so I can respond to you. I would appreciate it.
It has been thought of before and is thought of all the time. He’s condescendingly chiding you over a piece that seems to discover old territory as new. The correct answer is that crying, in that grand hazing ritual we like to call “life”, is a non-starter because everyone knows it is the one behavior that automatically disqualifies and earns you a last place finish award. I feel like Dr Strangelove explaining a “doomsday device”. It’s just so obvious in a pyramidal hierarchy.
I think we’re asking the wrong question here. The problem is that the going assumption says girls/women can cry in public but boys/men should not, which is based on a simple-minded binary equation that this article only reverses. This masks the fact that even some girls/women are not prone to crying, that what makes one person cry will not affect another person the same way. What we ought to be asking is what does it mean when a man cries in a particular situation? When a boy cries? A woman? A girl? It might be a sign of strength, and… Read more »
I absolutely agree about sharing one’s feelings is largely discouraged in western society. I have learned to be with people who can accept my openness and not try to change me.
Maybe in a few centuries.
Not to give up Yacko. Never give up.
Some men feel it’s OK for a woman to cry but not a man. Some women feel it’s OK for a woman to cry but not a man. More than some Jim: There are few women whom appreciate this (luckily I have found one that does). It took military service to reinforce my position to stand up for what I believe, and I believe having the ability to openly cry or show any emotion for that matter has been more helpful in my life than not showing it [snip] For those that question my tears, I ask if they would… Read more »
You go Jim!!!! Good for you. Thanks a lot.
I offer this only for what its worth:
Despite the following quote from Robert A. Heinlein’s novel “Friday” being made by the title female character, I was surprised when a conversation with another guy concerning this subject that I would never suspect of admiring it’s simple poetry, actually DID admire it:
“Crying lubricates the soul.”
Uncle Woofie
Simple Poetry also melts the heart!
Love this. Thank you. What a lovely quote.
Some men feel it’s OK for a woman to cry but not a man. When and where did we pickup this double standard?
More to the point when and how can it be eradicated?
You have done a great job in your own way – but there is so much more to do.
Maybe next Movember you can get them to add a tear?
This not crying is so infiltrated in our culture. A friend of mine from Montreal was actually surprised when she read the article and realized this is the way people feel in our culture. We just have to keep knowing what’s right for us and not listen so much to others. Thanks for reading and responding to my article.
I agree completely. Growing up I was always concerned a little with the perception of weakness showing emotion seemed to carry. However, I found that embracing it in its rawest form was more helpful than harmful. Now that’s is not to say that there have been some bumps on the way. There are few women whom appreciate this (luckily I have found one that does). It took military service to reinforce my position to stand up for what I believe, and I believe having the ability to openly cry or show any emotion for that matter has been more helpful… Read more »
So happy that you resonated with my article and that you found a good woman who isn’t turned off by the crying by a strong man like you. Thanks for commenting. Appreciate it.
Middle school / junior HS. age 11-13.
Glad you read the article.