From Michael Jackson to Homer Simpson, we pay homage to dads who leave a little something to be desired.
Bad Dad Moments—all dads have them. A thoughtless gesture, a cranky criticism, an impatient response after a tough day at the office/golf course. But the following dads had some really bad moments that might make you feel better about your own lapses. Hell, they might even make you feel like the dad of the year.
♦Michael Jackson loved kids, but when parents kept suing him for loving their kids too much, he had a few his own. He was such a proud father, in fact, that while staying at a hotel in Berlin he dangled his 9-month-old son over a fifth-floor balcony, holding the squirmy tot with one arm. The crowd below gasped in horror. A genius at pop, Michael was no genius as a pop.
♦Familiar story for a lot of dads—a tiff with your teen about career paths. In a bad dad moment, Darth Vader lost patience with stubborn Luke and chopped off the boy’s hand with a lightsaber. It happens. And as we dads know, it probably hurt Darth a lot more than it hurt Luke. Darth later atoned for his Moment by heaving into a bottomless black hole the galactic emperor—his boss!—who was shooting lightning bolts from his fingertips into poor Luke. Been there, done that, eh dads?
♦The list of bad showbiz dads is long—Joe Jackson and Marvin Gaye, Sr. quickly come to mind—but Ryan O’Neill has had so many Bad Dad Moments that it’s hard to keep track. He allegedly gave kids Griffin and Tatum cocaine at the age of eleven. Then, at the funeral of long-time friend and lover, Farrah Fawcett, grief-stricken Ryan hit on a pretty blond who turned out to be Tatum. He didn’t recognize her. Oops.
♦Peter I of Russia may have been “the Great” as a tsar, but as a father he was Peter the, well, Peter. He constantly beat and berated his son, Alexi, and even told the boy to shape up or he’d “cast you off as a gangrened limb.” Ouch. That kind of talk can mess with a lad’s confidence. Though heir to the throne, Alexi fled the country, but dear old dad hunted him down and threw him in a dungeon. Pater Peter then ordered a few rounds on the rack before his son’s execution. Fortunately, the torture was so brutal that young Alexi died before he was scheduled to be killed. Fellow Russian maniac Ivan the Terrible also murdered his son, but at least his nickname fits.
♦In “The Usual Suspects,” master criminal Keyser Soze comes home to find a rival gang holding his wife and children at gunpoint. Soze caps his kin himself and then frees one goon to tell the tale, thus establishing ultimate street cred. Now, to be fair, we’ve all been guilty of putting career before family, and this bad dad moment did earn Mr. Soze significant market share in the international drug trade. It also gave new meaning to the threat, “Just you wait till your father gets home.”
♦In the Book of Genesis, God tells Abraham to sacrifice his son Isaac as a sign of loyalty. Abraham was told to tie up the boy, stab him to death, and then place him on a burning pile of wood. Since the voice is deep and disembodied, Abe assumes it belongs to God and says okee-doke. He takes his son to a nearby hill and, in an act of ultimate indignity, even makes Ike, who is unaware of the plan, carry the wood for the pyre. When Abraham raises the knife for the kill, an angel swoops down and stops him. Close one. Isaac says no harm, no foul, though it’s not clear if the pair ever worked through the trust issues that surely must have arisen afterward.
♦Cartoons have given us some terrible dads, but the worst might be tyrannical Brian Banner. He abused his son, Bruce, and killed Bruce’s mom. Bruce repressed his rage and became a mild-mannered physicist until errant gamma rays turned him into the Incredible Hulk, who pretty much personified pissed off. Bruce later “accidentally” killed his father, proving that bad dad moments sometimes involve reaping and sowing. For further proof, see Brothers, The Menendez.
♦When it comes to TV dads, we’ve all seen our share of bad ones, from Al Bundy to Tony Soprano to Lost’s Anthony Cooper. But our favorite bad dad was Frank Costanza on Seinfeld. Through a lifetime of stupidity and rage, Frank managed to turn son George into a neurotic mess. Frank even invented a holiday—Festivus!—to celebrate the family’s dysfunction with “feats of strength” and other insidious traditions guaranteed to feed George’s misery forever.
♦On September 19, 2002, Chicago’s William Ligue, Jr. took 15-year-old son, Bill III, to watch the White Sox play the Royals. What better place for dad-son bonding than a ballgame? And to make the bond even stronger, Dad turned to his boy during the game and said something like, “Hey, sport, what say me and you jump the rail and go beat the (Shillelagh) out of the old man coaching first?” Young Bill replied, “Golly, pop, that’d be swell.” So they did. Sure, they were arrested, but in 2009 Bill III posted a photo on his MySpace page with the loving caption “ME AND DAD (FUNNELING) UP THA COACH FA THA KANSAS CITY ROYALS.” You just never know what moments will touch your kids forever.
♦Few activities offer more potential for bad dad moments than coaching sports. You board that testosterone train at your own risk. Tennis dad Jim Pierce jumped the track so often with his daughter, Mary, that he was eventually banned from the tour. No doubt he was proud to see his relentless workouts and courtside tantrums taking Mary right to the top. She even made the cover of Sports Illustrated! The story, however, was titled “Why Mary Pierce Fears For Her Life.” Jim apparently hadn’t heard the one about “It’s not whether you win or lose …”
Jack Heffron is a featured contributor for ManoftheHouse.com.
Yup, we all make mistakes. But I agree with Christian: it’s nice to have some really bad examples to make me feel like I’m not so bad after all. My kids give me faith and trust in the Millennial Generation.
Another great list. Nothing like seeing a bunch of screw ups to feel better about being a good dad.
An excellent list, although now I find myself sitting here wondering which Bad Dad I most resemble.
Great list. You had me at “Michael Jackson loved kids.” I love that you include Frank Costanza too. What about the time Steinbrenner came to the house to tell the Costanzas George was dead. Frank didn’t have much to say other than to yell at Steinbrenner for trading Jay Buhner. Than always cracks me up.