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I’ve Never Been in Love
Let me begin by saying I’ve never been in love.
And honestly, I’ve never been close.
Then why should I listen to you?
For one, I’m going to school to become a Marriage and Family Therapist. Graduating in May, actually (finally. Feels like I’ve been going to college for most of my life).
And two, I’ve been studying dating and relationships for the last eleven years.
I went from shy introvert to going on more dates than any man should ever go on. I’ve been on two dates the same night. I spent every weekend for months dating new girls that I’d randomly meet at work, school, or the gym (online dating sucks).
I’ve dated the girls of my dreams. Models, yoga instructors, athletes, and any girl that makes my heart grow legs and climb my spine towards my throat.
Then why are you still single?
Good question.
My answer: It’s a choice. I wasted eleven years of my life chasing love. I could never quite reach it and caress it in my hands because I placed it on a pedestal the height of Mount Everest.
After years of trials and tribulations, what I’m about to share with you are the lessons I’ve learned from nearly one hundred books and videos and real-life examples from successful relationships and marriages.
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1. Heal Trauma & Codependency
Today, I want love, just like everyone else. So my search continues, but the journey looks very different compared to my twenties.
I understand, if I’m going to find the person (or persons) that I’m going to fall in love with and have a healthy relationship with, I have to continue striving to become the most emotionally healed person I can be.
Many of us believe we’ve fallen in love or are currently in love, but we’re wrong. What we’re actually feeling is masked wounds from our childhood or early relationships.
I’ve been there myself. I thought I loved my first girlfriend, but I didn’t. I couldn’t. It’s impossible to experience true romantic love when you’re using another person as a band-aide or liquid to fill your love cup.
But if you were to hook me up to a lie detector and ask me if I loved her, the test would read truth. For what we believe love to be is merely an interpretation.
Tell a newborn baby that the color of blood was green, they’d interpret anything “red” as green.
Trauma and codependency alter how we perceive others, ourselves, their actions towards us, and how we believe we should respond to them.
Healing trauma and codependency is a lengthy process (that I wrote about here and here and here). But if I had to summarize it (so this article isn’t the length of a novel), I’d define emotional healing as the journey of learning how to unconditionally accept everything that is you — your thoughts, feelings, aspirations, genuine likes and dislikes, and intuitive signals.
The harm and pain of self-judgment and criticism fuel your need for relief. Common soothing methods are drugs, alcohol, distraction, and the love and acceptance from others you don’t give yourself.
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2. Nurture Your Relationship With You
This step piggy-backs the previous.
Self-compassion, unconditional acceptance, and making yourself priority number one blunts the self-criticism that demands and needs love.
Neediness is one of the least, if not the least attractive quality to have. And it leaves you vulnerable to emotional manipulators.
Also, the met desire and need for love feels like real love because of how intense the feelings. But like I said previously, those emotions are faux.
Self-compassion precedes self-love. You can’t love yourself without being kind to yourself. And you can’t give and receive love if you don’t have it for yourself.
Set boundaries. Genuinely say no yes despite potentially hurting someone’s feelings. You’ll do more harm to yourself by not being real and honest about how you feel.
Learn to self-soothe to accept, process, and release difficult thoughts, emotions, and situations. I like to use comforting inner dialogue and my breathe because exercise, social media, and tv are temporary solutions.
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But Wait, There’s More
The next two tips are more perspective changes. But they’ve helped me, and I hope they help you.
1. You’re Going to Die Alone
You came into this world without a romantic partner, and you’re probably going to leave the same way.
Your partner may die before you at an old age. It’s happened to both my grandparents. And it’s going to happen to my dad because my stepmom has cancer.
Til death do us part are real oaths.
The truth sucks and is scary but is less harmful than holding onto lies. Realize the person you’re searching for may leave you before you leave them.
2. The Grass Ain’t Always Greener
Movies and music would have you believe how magical and perfect love is. Marketing fuels our thirst for love. But what the films and songs don’t mention are the sacrifices we make in committed relationships.
A romantic relationship meets our need for connection and physical intimacy. But it also swallows our need for independence.
I live with my best friend and his girlfriend and my roommate who has a girlfriend. Two of the healthiest relationships I’ve ever been around. Both couples will probably be married, and all parties are extact when they get a little time away from one another.
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Friendly Reminders
I want to find love. You want to find love.
Hell, who doesn’t want someone to spend their quarantine with?
But, as with any other endeavor, goal, or aspiration, work has to be put in to see them actualized.
But don’t forget, love is kinda overrated, it won’t make you permanently happy, and you’re most likely going to die alone.
Dream Chasers is my email list for those who want to be inspired by words (and prevent Starbucks from stealing their money).
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Dream Chasers is my email list for those who want to be inspired by words (and prevent Starbucks from stealing their money).
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Ed Robertson on Unsplash