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I’m sure you’ve heard over and over that “confidence is one of the most attractive qualities in dating.” But when you think of that word, what actually comes to mind? Is it someone who’s bold and outspoken? A person who never cares what anyone else thinks?
In my experience, many people’s definitions are skewed to the point that confidence never feels achievable.
In today’s new video—a conversation with the amazing violinist, songwriter, and dancer Lindsey Stirling—we get to the meat of that question and define what confidence means to us.
Transcript provided by YouTube:
00:00
confidence i feel like
00:02
that is
00:03
the most attractive thing about a person
00:05
i think you say that in your book it’s
00:07
something that we hear over and over and
00:08
over that the most attractive thing you
00:10
can ever wear is confidence and so
00:13
i want to hear from you
00:15
what does confidence look like because i
00:18
think a lot of us kind of see a specific
00:20
person or a specific type when we think
00:23
of confidence but from you what is it
00:25
yeah i suppose there is a kind of
00:27
caricatured
00:28
version of confidence which is just
00:30
someone who is very bold
00:33
quite outspoken
00:34
um
00:36
occasionally i suppose just gregarious
00:38
you know we think of someone who’s very
00:40
outgoing i i think that’s a
00:43
that isn’t a true definition of of
00:45
confidence i’ve the the dictionary
00:47
definition of confidence is a feeling of
00:49
certainty
00:50
about something and of course that
00:52
doesn’t necessarily imply good or bad we
00:54
can
00:55
feel
00:56
secure right now having this
00:58
conversation because i’m certain that
01:00
the ceiling isn’t about to fall on my
01:02
head um you know it that’s just a
01:05
feeling of certainty that gives me a
01:07
level of of comfort and ease you know i
01:10
can have a feeling of comfort right now
01:12
because i’m
01:13
certain that i can have this
01:15
conversation with you because
01:17
i’ve done a lot of public speaking in my
01:19
life over the last 14 years and
01:22
therefore
01:22
feel
01:23
a sense of of comfort and certainty
01:26
about my ability to to do this so
01:30
there is a kind of confidence that comes
01:32
from
01:34
certainty and in a lot of areas of our
01:36
life that can come from certainty can
01:38
come from competence from having done
01:41
something a lot and
01:43
being good at it
01:45
um so you could be you know you are of
01:48
course extraordinarily competent on
01:50
stage lindsay and therefore there will
01:52
be a level of
01:53
of confidence that you have when you
01:55
take the stage which
01:57
importantly doesn’t mean that you have
01:58
no nerves before you step on stage it
02:01
just which you may or may not you can
02:03
tell me but it it doesn’t mean that you
02:04
have no nerves it just means that
02:07
when it really comes down to it you do
02:09
have a feeling of of security on stage
02:12
because you know i’ve been here before
02:13
i’ve done this before i know how to do
02:16
this
02:18
yes i love that and you know when you
02:20
just say it it’s a sense of um wait what
02:22
was the definition you said i lost a
02:24
feeling of certainty about some
02:26
certainty yeah it really does take it
02:29
into a whole different perspective and
02:31
it kind of makes you realize that you
02:33
don’t have to be any sort of personality
02:35
type in order to be this confidence but
02:37
we all kind of
02:39
immediately go to think of a certain
02:41
kind of person that’s like no you can be
02:43
silent
02:44
and show confidence like confidence
02:46
doesn’t need words it doesn’t mean to be
02:49
a certain personality type and like you
02:51
said you i love that you said you can be
02:53
nervous and be confident because i still
02:55
do get nervous every time before i go on
02:58
stage and i literally stand backstage
03:00
and do what i know i need to do my deep
03:02
breaths and i like visualize really
03:04
quickly and i you know remind myself
03:06
that i’ve warmed up i’ve done everything
03:08
i needed to do to prepare and like you
03:09
said i’ve done this before and
03:11
you know and so it is kind of like wow
03:14
you can be nervous and be confident you
03:15
can be shy and be confident and you know
03:18
any personality type
03:21
can have that sense of like attractive
03:24
confidence that we all want yeah and
03:27
that’s exactly right and and it’s it’s
03:29
important not to if we
03:33
if we change what we what we need to
03:35
feel certain about that can be a great
03:38
help you know if you
03:40
if you say
03:41
if before i go on stage
03:44
i try to get certain that everyone is
03:46
going to agree with me
03:48
there’s a problem because i’m basing my
03:50
certainty on
03:52
something that i cannot control and
03:55
therefore
03:56
the confidence i have is is going to be
03:57
very flimsy if i base my confidence on
04:00
the certainty that
04:03
i really am going to go out there and
04:06
show these people that i care
04:09
that’s going to give me a different
04:10
level of confidence because now it’s not
04:12
about making everyone like me it’s about
04:14
actually demonstrating that
04:16
my intentions
04:18
are really good that i genuinely care
04:20
about helping people today and i’m going
04:22
to do everything in my power to do that
04:24
while i’m on stage in a relationship
04:27
our certainty
04:29
can come you know if our certainty has
04:31
to come from i’m certain that this
04:33
person will never hurt me
04:35
then we’re always going to be looking
04:37
for reassurance because we never can be
04:40
fully confident that someone is never
04:43
going to hurt us we hope that we’ve
04:45
chosen wisely we
04:47
can make sure that the evidence of the
04:49
relationship suggests that this person
04:53
has our best um
04:55
you know has our interests at heart and
04:57
isn’t going to go
04:59
and hurt us recklessly but we we never
05:02
know for sure and a lot of people
05:05
never feel safe in a relationship
05:06
because they’re basing
05:09
all of their confidence on needing
05:12
this person to guarantee that they’ll
05:14
never leave or never hurt them
05:16
and then
05:17
we’re looking every day for reassurance
05:20
plea you know did you mean what you said
05:21
yesterday are you are you really going
05:23
to stay with me are you really never
05:25
going to cheat on me
05:27
we can never get enough reassurance and
05:28
reassurance always needs to be topped up
05:30
whereas
05:31
if you base your certainty
05:33
in a relationship on the
05:36
idea that you know what i’ve always been
05:39
okay
05:40
i
05:41
have
05:42
had relationships that have ended and
05:44
i’ve survived and i’m still here
05:46
if this person god forbid
05:49
cheats on me or hurts me or leaves me
05:52
i will still be okay in in other words
05:54
my certainty can come from my ability to
05:57
handle
05:58
difficult situations not on difficult
06:01
situations not happening so that’s like
06:03
a nice little hack for confidence is
06:05
instead of trying to get confident about
06:08
something you can never be certain of
06:10
just
06:12
change the focus of where you’re looking
06:14
for certainty and you can immediately be
06:16
more confident hey guys before you leave
06:18
the video and thank you for watching the
06:20
video by the way i just wanted to tell
06:22
you one final time there are only a few
06:26
days left on the virtual retreat early
06:28
bird tickets they’re only available till
06:30
the end of the month for anyone who
06:32
doesn’t know i have a three-day
06:33
immersive coaching program happening in
06:35
march it’s live it’s virtual you can
06:39
attend from home from wherever you are
06:42
in the world but i know of no greater
06:46
coaching experience for your confidence
06:48
for your mental health for your
06:50
emotional health your ability to manage
06:53
difficult situations in life your
06:55
ability to reframe your life even the
06:59
difficult stuff even the stuff that
07:01
you’re like these are my biggest
07:02
challenges right now these are the
07:03
things i’m struggling with every day
07:05
suffering with
07:06
changing the way we see them and
07:10
changing the action we’re taking in the
07:12
present it is the most beautiful thing
07:14
i’ve ever created and i want more people
07:17
to experience it i want you to
07:19
experience it it’s at
07:21
mhvirtualretreat.com
07:24
i will see you over there and i will
07:26
have my team on hand there to book a
07:28
call with you to answer any questions
07:30
you have about how the virtual retreat
07:33
can help you personally that’s
07:35
mhvirtualretreat.com
07:37
i’ll see you there
07:38
and in the next video
08:00
you
—
This post was previously published on YouTube.
***
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