Asa survivor of narcissistic abusive relationships, I have implemented the infamous ‘no contact’ rule. Sometimes it was planned. Other times it was a last-minute maneuver to save my sanity and even my life.
Regardless of thereason, one thing remained true every single time; the sooner you cut all ties, the sooner you start healing — and only then.
And this is the best way how.
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1) I Change My Phone Number
I shared the very traumatic ending of my last relationship, here:
My ex put a used condom in my bed and tried to pretend he “found” it there. And then left with the gifts I had bought him for his birthday, which had passed a day or two prior.
In the article, I also detailed our last few text messages to one another. What I didn’t mention was that our last conversation was through Telegram, which not only uses your number but also has a phone feature.
Like a phone.
At this time in my life, I used Telegram instead of the regular features on my phone because I like the format and found it easier to utilize. The thing was I had already changed my phone number and replaced it with my mom’s number.
This was hidden from him because I changed the settings to make sure the number wasn’t visible, before opting to create a username, instead of any contact information.
Because I was already using Telegram he never realized the number had been changed, while we were still in contact.
I usually make sure to send one last text, before blocking the person so no other messages can come through, and cause more trauma as I prepare to change my phone number. But in this case, there was one more step,
All that was left was Telegram.
Once I wrote my final response to him he deleted the conversation for both of us, to erase the evidence of his cheating being exposed.
When I checked again, he was typing something new in what would become a new chat. I never found out what it was because I blocked him before he could send it.
In the meantime, I had another tab open where I was completing the process of deleting my Telegram — and totally disappearing. Once it was deleted, that was it. He never ever heard from me again.
(And yes he has hoovered many times but has never laid eyes on me again or been able to get a hold of me. I’ll tell those stories at a later date.)
The same rule applies to email accounts
Any and every email account a narcissist could ever reach me on was deleted after a new one was made, to transfer any and all of my accounts over to. The only exception was my campus email,
As I stated earlier I went to the IT department and had emails sent there blocked and the settings were effectively changed to where any and all emails were bounced right back to the narcissist.
If they made or used another account to reach out to me, this process was rinsed and repeated. Whatever it took because when I’m done, I’m done.
Gone without a trace.
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2) I Delete My Social Media Accounts
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I have never been fond of social media.
I grew up in the 90s when it didn’t exist yet. I can remember (vividly) life before all this technology and I have an aversion to how… virtual everything is.
I’m also deeply aware that the internet is not your friend when you’re going ‘no-contact’ because it is way too easy to have a “moment of weakness” that results in you stalking your ex online.
Either to see if —
- they miss you
- they regret what they did
- they’ve taken down your pictures
- they’re talking to someone new (yet)
- they’ve moved on completely
- (insert your own excuse)
I’ve been there and it has never been worth it.
So, I cut out the middleman and shut it all down
- Instagram, and
- Tumblr (this was my personal addiction)
It was nothing to me because it didn’t define me and it never really did bring me happiness or any real sense of self-worth to be on it.
I actually utilized these ‘no-contacts’ as the perfect excuse to go as far off the grid as I could possibly go. I allowed myself the chance to purge with no distractions. Sometimes I would ditch my phones altogether, for a few months.
In my last relationship, we broke up in November 2020. I didn’t have a phone until July 2021, and I loved it because even though all that silence was excruciating at first, it was peaceful in the end.
Letting go of a narcissist is very similar to getting clean from drugs, and I’ve done both. Let me tell you, the first week of both is the hardest to survive, but once you do it gets better and it slowly starts to become easier.
Take your 24 hours, one hour at a time.
Take it slow and take it easy on yourself; it takes time to beat an addiction and refraining from your narcissist of choice is vital.
And, if you’re like me, getting offline (and away from all roads that lead to temptation) is just what you’ll need to do to make sure you’re healing.
Do it.
It’ll be worth your mental safety and emotional regulation. The internet will always be there, you and I won’t. Prioritize yourself in this particular process because I’m speaking from experience when I tell you —
It is the only way you will survive the heartache of being discarded or having to discard your favorite narcissist.
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3) I Throw Everything (Yes, Everything) Out
When I say everything, I mean,
Every. Single Thing.
Their shit, the shit they bought me, and anything that was accumulated over the course of the relationship or ordeal.
I’m talking —
- cards
- clothes (the ones they leave behind and the ones they’d bought me)
- jewelry (yes, even the diamonds have to go)
- stuffed animals
- pictures/videos, and even
- connections associated with them (no flying monkeys allowed)
Everything must go.
Therefore, a clean sweep is always done once I throw a narcissist out of my life. It’s the way it has to be when you’re serious about your healing and as hard as it is to do at the beginning of the breakup this is when it is the most vital for you to do it.
(Be very careful about going back to a narcissist, or taking them back, once you do this because I’ve learned from experience that this step causes a severe narcissistic injury because of how easily it seems you’ve just “got over” them. This will always end in a brutal retaliation so once you do this you may as well stay gone. Take it from me.)
Throwing away these things in no way means that I got over it
What it means is a chapter has closed and all things new need their time to enter into my life. It means one source of suffering is over and the grieving process can begin, safely.
It means it’s time to heal now.
What throwing everything out does is lessen the load of variables that will make my heartache through the process of healing. It’s one less weight to add to the burden of having to heal from the series of traumas the relationship provided.
Because even with everything physical out of sight, we still have memories. But over time those too will start to fade, or fade enough to not hurt as it does at the moment.
So, my method involves me leaving myself to deal with the bare minimum, my memories. And the feelings that accompany them. I don’t need memorabilia to help me mourn or make the grieving process any harder than it has to be.
I’ve also been practicing minimalism since 2017,
So essentially I just put the same principles of only keeping what’s needed into practice. If I’m throwing a toxic person out of my life, I don’t need anything associated with their toxicity in my element.
So I remove it.
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The Necessity of Taking Extreme Measures
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As extreme as all of these measures may seem, they have been necessary. I have treated every ‘no contact’ like a witness protection program because in a sense it is similar.
The most dangerous individual to my mental and emotional (and sometimes, physical) safety has been the narcissist. Some of these men have made me feel the strongest sense of danger just by the sight of them.
Some were so damn toxic that one simple conversation could leave you on the brink of either wanting to kill yourself — or them. These were individuals I had to get away from at all costs, right away.
The most important reason I’m so extreme in my discard
It’s because when I first started going ‘no-contact’ it was when I wasn’t actually ready to leave my narcissists.
In one case —
I was beaten real bad and then found out that particular ex was still cheating on me with his ex so I changed my number the next morning and had his emails blocked by my college campus, as soon as possible.
In another case —
I was very much still in love and at the height of confusion but the emotional turmoil was too much so I left a letter, and by the time I knew they’d see it I was long gone, and nowhere to be found.
I leave no traces.
Yes, it was hard and I was aching for my narcissistic fix but enough was enough and I knew if I didn’t move in haste, things would have only gotten worse. To be very honest with you, from one survivor to another,
These ‘no contacts’ were rash decisions made on leaps of faith.
But I took those plunges and because of how well these escapes were executed, and because I never went back, I continued landing on my feet.
And I sincerely hope you do too.
© Linda Sharp 2022. All Rights Reserved.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: iStockPhoto.com