Ever since I was a child, I feel like I’ve had a connection to the stoic teachings and principles. I didn’t know what they were called or how to identify what I was feeling back then, and I wouldn’t for many years. I just knew that there were certain things in my life that I should try to live by and exemplify to others.
I’d spend a lot of time thinking. I liked to be quiet and alone. I think in part because I didn’t feel like anyone would understand me or take me seriously, especially at such a young age. I was aware of that bias back then and found it incredibly unjust. Growing up in a military environment, most of the adults in my life, and in turn their children, seemed to follow a different code. One that awarded aggression or dominance over others and punished thinking outside of the principles that they had created. I didn’t like that, so I internalized my values and decided that I’d stay quiet until a situation called for me to rise.
This led to me essentially capping certain emotions. I didn’t really show happiness or joy in the ways other people would expect and I often tried to substitute sadness with fortitude. I can think back to certain times in life where I would be faced with emotions on either side of the spectrum and think; “Is this it?” Is this all there is to a break up? Is this all there is to nature? A boisterous city? Parasailing? A broken bone? Sex? Achievement?
Over time, I eventually learned to appreciate the joys and disparities of life with a little more passion, and despite this emotional capping, I was able to retain some of those seeds of wisdom I felt as a child until I was older. I nurtured those seeds as best I could, still not knowing why my beliefs felt different from the people around me. It wasn’t until college that I could finally identify the ideology that was speaking to me throughout my life. It was stoicism. And unlike traditional religion, stoicism was more malleable and focused on being your best self in differing situations rather than being tied down to what was proper for the institution.
From then on, I did my best to represent my beliefs in day to day life with a new found purpose. To be honest, I’ve failed many times and still fail on occasion, but knowing that these values have been practiced for thousands of years, by men and women greater than I, gives me the strength to go on.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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