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Years ago, Home Alone movie star, Macaulay Culkin, was in the media for “divorcing” his parents — essentially removing them as his legal guardian. It was a crazy moment in pop culture that effectively introduced the concept that for some people, separating from their parents is a healthier choice than maintaining relationships.
Fast forward to 2022, when a popular TikTok by a mom spotlighted how many of the younger generations are not contacting their parents anymore. I will integrate the video link here to view, but the video is directed to all the moms who have young adult kids:
Nobody ever tells you how hard it’s going to be when you’re kids grow up and they are not in your life or they are in your life…Why is it this hard? When I feel like it was a good mom and I did everything I can to show my kids I love them and be there for me, and why does this generation of kids just turn their back on their parents?
I would never treat my parents the way some of this generation treats their kids. It’s everywhere. Story after story…so much entitlement these days, and it’s so…heartbreaking. It’s so much easier when the kids were little…I love my kids, but why is it this hard? Where is the respect at for parents and appreciation for all they have done for you?
From christyannoh on TikTok
With the increase of social media and the ability to find rapid information, coupled with the rising mental health crisis and pandemic isolation, newer generations are experiencing a culture of increased disclosure and awareness around parenting and childhood trauma. Years ago, it might have been taboo to casually discuss trauma or therapy, but now gen Z and millennials can easily go on TikTok or Instagram and read about how to heal our childhood wounds.
What does this mean for parents in older generations?
Generational differences affect the way we see the world and what we deem normal. People in older generations grew up in a world where it was okay (or more okay than it is now) if a child was seen, not heard. Where instilling fear in your child was appropriate, and boundaries were not as normalized.
But now, mental health is and continues to be a large conversation among younger generations. We talk about boundaries, even in a corporate workplace. We are told and reminded of our value and worth, even in the most famous heartbreak songs. We are told to consider raising our kids with gentle parenting, which is a more peaceful and positive approach to parenting that is different than previous generations.
Some people in younger generations, not all, but some, are getting all this information on social media and reflecting on their parents. They realize their parents actually made them feel unsafe or were toxic, and it didn’t have to be that way. They realize, yes maybe my parents paid for the bills and housing, but the parent was emotionally unavailable, or abusive, or wasn’t emotionally attuned or present (just to name a few).
In previous generations, maybe you realized this but still decide to stay with your parents out of respect and obligation. But in younger generations, we realize the relationship with our parents needs to change to remain intact. And if the parents can’t change, the relationship moves into what we call “no contact” where the adult child makes the decision to no longer pursue a relationship with their toxic or emotionally immature parent.
But don’t kids owe their parents a relationship?
Yes, a child can be grateful that their parent took care of their physical needs, but we also inherently understand that’s your legal and moral responsibility, especially if the child did not ask to be brought on this Earth.
Parenting requires selflessness — to the extreme. Why? Because the relationship is nonconsensual, the kid didn’t ask for this, the adult parent wanted (or agreed to) it. And secure parenting requires not just taking care of your child’s physical and financial needs (e.g., food and shelter), but being there for your child’s emotional needs too (e.g., being supportive and present, listening to them when they are in need, having attunement and loving conversations regularly, etc) without expecting your child to “owe you” anything in return.
Parents aren’t supposed to be perfect (they are humans after all!), but they are expected to be “good enough” by meeting their child’s physical and emotional needs more times than not (>50% of the time).
This raises a child with a secure attachment style: one who feels safe and confident interacting with others in the world, can easily regulate their emotions, and has good self-esteem. Estimates say roughly, 50–60% of the population has a secure attachment style. But now, members of the other 40–50% are looking at their childhood and realizing they deserve better too.
If a parent provided food and shelter but didn’t emotionally attune to their child often and instilled fear in their children, can they now expect their grown adult kid to feel safe to be around them?
If a parent was a codependent, enmeshed parent with a pattern of forcing their kid to problem-solve all of their issues, can they now expect their adult child to feel safe around them?
Maybe…
Maybe a parent will feel their kid should want to be around them… if that parent pushed themselves to be around their own parents…who made them feel the same way their kids feel around them. Cycles in families are expected to continue.
But these new generations don’t want to continue family trauma. They want it to end with them.
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Gen Z and millennials are fortunate to grow up in a world where we can learn emotional intelligence tools quite easily online, but these tools are still here while many of our parents are.
It’s hurtful for parents to not feel like their adult children are not pursuing a relationship with them anymore. You raised them! But the reality is, it’s hurtful for the adult child too. Any adult child who goes no contact is probably angry, yes, but really just sad. Sad that they don’t feel like they have the emotional safety to remain in a relationship with their parents.
Often children might have tried to share helpful resources (e.g., books, articles, links) or try to create healthy conversations with their parents, but you can’t force people to heal or change, especially if they don’t want to. It’s often safer from an adult child’s perspective to create boundaries and distance from a parent they deem unhealthy or toxic, than force themselves to stay in a relationship with the parent out of non-existent obligation.
Children are not entitled to stay in a relationship with a parent who birthed them, especially if they do not feel safe doing so. And one of the best things they can do out of respect for their parent is to lead a loving life that no longer continues the emotional family trauma and patterns that lead to the children feeling unsafe.
Just because your parents gave you life, doesn’t mean they know how to give you love. — Zoë Crook
I don’t know the specific background of what happened to the mom in TikTok with her kids, but I believe this: the relationship with your adult child is the performance review. There are plenty of parents who still have loving, happy relationships with their adult Gen Z and millennial kids. But some don’t, and luckily relationships, like many things, still have room to grow and change.
Everyone deserves a more loving life and loving light, and luckily, healing can start with all of us too.
There is nothing we owe them. If anything, they owe us. They owe us happy and safe childhoods, the lessons that empower us to be happy adults, and the love that we need to blossom mentally and emotionally.
From
E.B. Johnson
❤
N
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Sandy Millar on Unsplash
