Lori Lothian believes porn has the potential to mislead men about the best bedroom moves to use with real-life women.
I had a discussion the other day with a female sex educator about porn. The gist of our talk was about how porn has the potential to badly mislead men about the best bedroom moves, the ones real women appreciate, versus the stereotypes porn directors and actors have woven into the collective sexual imagination.
Of course, in an ideal intimate union, you men are simply asking your partner what she likes (because each woman is as unique as her pussy). But because transparency and candor is often as scary in new relationships as farting during sex, let’s just take a stab at some general “women don’t really like this” pointers.
Here are five techniques porn teaches men that are not necessarily what many women will rave to their girlfriends about after he tries them on her:
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1) Ejaculating on her face is a huge turn on. Though it might be a good facial moisturizer, unlike porn actresses, a real woman isn’t likely to smile adoringly as her man hoses semen into her eyes and nose. In fact, it’s a bitch to get out of her hair without having to shampoo and for the most part that semen facial has nothing to do with her pleasure. Some theorize it’s a humiliation/domination of women archetype, though gender studies professor Hugo Schwyzer speculates in an article called “He Wants to Jizz on Your Face but Not Why You’d Think” that “rather than seeing the facial as rooted in the impulse to denigrate, it might indeed be better to view it as longing for approval.” In other words, she loves and accepts you enough to make her face your canvas for a Jackson Pollock style splatter art. But my advice? Unless you’ve talked about how this might be a turn on for her, skip the semen facial.
2) Cunnilingus should be a short-lived but rough tongue-lashing. I can’t count the women friends who have cringed along with me at some porn scene where the guy is mouth-handling our very sensitive parts like they are made of shoe leather. Close-ups of the vacuum suction technique—where her clit is Hoovered into his mouth—or the move where the porn star all but crushes his face into her vulva and starts wagging his head back and forth make me think one thing: ouch. Sure, I guess if a woman is so turned on that she is ready for rough touch, great. But take a look next time at the porn star female who is trying not to wince while cooing in supposed pleasure. So instead of bludgeoning us with your tongue, start feather gentle and build up. Your woman’s breathing and sounds of pleasure (which happen well beyond the thirty second mark) will guide you.
3) Having a cock slap her face is orgasmic. To this I can also add, and so is deep fucking her mouth until she gags. Point is, most porn has at least one scene where the women looks up lovingly while the man batters her face with his dick, or plunges so deeply into her mouth she is about to throw up (I’d like to know how many times the camera cuts after a porn actress vomits all over his dick). The film Deep Throat set a new standard for esophageal sex, but most women haven’t taken the course where they learn to hold their breath and dampen their gag reflex just so the guy can bury his member to the hilt in her oral cavity. Real women want to please you and will try their best to accommodate your length in giving a blowjob. The trick here is to remember to let her lead on the depth issue. And as for whacking her cheeks with Mr. Winky, ask first.
4) Women wear high heels to bed for pleasure. An alien studying human mating habits based on porn would surmise a naked woman wearing only high-heeled shoes is a part of some sex ritual or custom. But in real life, most of us women don’t like walking in the damn things, let alone wearing them to bed. And there are so many great standing positions we enjoy better when we are not teetering three to five inches above the ground, worried about twisting our ankle. Bottom line: the heels are just a movie prop (and for some people, a fetish). Why not learn to love (and kiss) our sexy bare feet?
5) A woman wants to lick the dick that has just been in her ass. I am not sure this needs much explanation other than, yuck. While some women find pleasure in anal sex (there are lovely nerve endings in the anal sphincter) no woman I know gets excited about the anal to oral switcheroo prevalent in porn. If you try that move, be willing to kiss her right after to show you are an equal opportunity connoisseur of fecal flavor. But why not just skip this unsanitary move all together?
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While there are certainly at least another dozen sex moves from porn that don’t translate to mutual pleasure at home, these five topped my list. I invite my male readers to step up and also share with us women the moves in porn that don’t really work in your real life. After all, do most guys really enjoy sharing their partner with one or more studs?
The porn industry is an erotic visual fiction and perhaps, a narrative that takes the collective sexual shadow and brings it to the screen. But what porn is certainly not, and never will be, is reliable sex education. And anyway, the best sex-ed happens in the communication between you and your partner.
Photo: Flickr/rachelkramerbussel.com
God meant for our sex drive to be channeled to a real live human being, not to a computer screen.
I don’t watch porn anymore for a myriad of reasons, but it was a real struggle to actually stop watching it. I believe it can be healthy to explore your own (And/or your partners) sexual fantasies through porn, but far too often it becomes a replacement, a crutch, or a form of escapism. With the advent of the internet, anyone can fulfill their ultimate sexual desires through vicarious living, even if those desires or not even physically possible. When are we going to stop and ask what kind of effect that has on the people who watch porn excessively, instead… Read more »
I think that’s a good discussion to have to odalsgarrd. Considering your own struggles, why don’t you write and article about just that topic for GMP? I would be interested in reading it.
I think that attempting to dissect the basis of human sexuality in any regard is a slippery slope. What is good for the goose may not be good for the gander. I have dated a number of women who like rough sex, even more than I am comfortable with, and who at least 3 of the things on this list were huge turn-ons for them. None of them were involved in any way in the sex industry. They just liked the rush and the visceral reaction of rough, animalistic sex. So defining something as “good” or “bad” when it comes… Read more »
Yes!
There are some women here, and I know some amongst my friends, who are threatened by porn. It makes me sad! I think so much of that sense of threat is caused by social conditioning that tells us women we aren’t allowed to explore our own lust, our own wants, and our own responsibilities for pursuing those things. We must always remain the passive princess in the tower. Of course anything that appeals to our baser natures would be a threat. We aren’t supposed to have them. As a result, we miss out on so much. With a respectful partner… Read more »
Ladies, I really don’t think this means we all have to go turn ourselves into 20 year old bleached, shaved, spray tanned fembots. If there is a lesson to be learned from men’s interest in porn, I think it’s that of the interested woman Exactly. I dont know where this idea that women have to look like perfect looking creatures for sex bcos men are watching porn, come from. Any sexually active woman knows that men are very forgiving to women on looks. Even average looking really fat women can have plenty of good looking men for sex partners. If… Read more »
“If anything its women who require men to be good looking for sex.”
Oh hell yes!
COMMENT OF THE YEAR!
Hi Archy
Confidence is what attracts us more than looks.
Do you think sumo wrestlers in Japan lack women ?
They are large men,but confident.
They’re also high status and rich. Do you think if you take the same man n woman, similar looks, sent them to get casual sex somehow that they’d come back with equal numbers? I guarantee the woman will find more partners.
“Confidence is what attracts us more than looks. Do you think sumo wrestlers in Japan lack women ? They are large men,but confident.” Yeah and Ryan Gosling, Brad Pitt, Channing Tatum, Twilight movie stars, One DIrection , popular among women and girls because they are confident, not because they are good looking right? Give me a break. Give me example of young girls who crazy for fat ugly guys who are confident. Its all over the world. In my country in Asia, girls go crazy for korean boy band just like . Yeah they like them because they are confident… Read more »
Elizabeth, I’m not sure why you’re sad because other women are threatened by porn. I don’t think there is anything wrong with a woman who very well may be threatened by porn. I don’t think the woman that isn’t threatened by porn is necessarily more evolved than the woman that is threatened by it. I think all that means is that these women see porn differently. Infact, how do you know when a woman is threatened by porn vs a woman who simply doesn’t like porn for x,y or z reasons? Why would you be sad just because someone saw… Read more »
Hi Erin
Thank you for expressing so well what many of us feel and think about porn.
“By association of watching the visual of the sport being played, inside their minds, they feel like they are playing too. It’s actually a much deeper and complicated discussion then simply the old : “Porn is just fantasy”, standard over-done comment.” Post the proof please, because this sounds like utter rubbish. I watched porn earlier today, my penis did not enter another person, I watched real people having sex via a video stream but I did not feel like I was “playing too”, I never have because…omg I must be unique…I can tell it’s not real? You can get involved… Read more »
Archy: “Post the proof please, because this sounds like utter rubbish. “ Well I do like to post utter rubbish just for the fun of it. You found me out! Archy: “I watched porn earlier today, my penis did not enter another person, I watched real people having sex via a video stream but I did not feel like I was “playing too”, I never have because…omg I must be unique…I can tell it’s not real? I didn’t say you couldn’t tell it wasn’t real. There is a huge difference as to what *you* can tell is real or isn’t… Read more »
Hi Erin- On the point of fantasy vs reality, I couldn’t express it any better than Archy did. I agree that there are a lot of ways we can explore our own desire. Porn can be one of them. I think that many women avoid it because it gets to those aspects of our nature that are base; animalistic, vulgar. I don’t think these are purely male attributes. Women have them too, and it makes me sad because if we deny them we’re missing out on a big part of sexuality. This isn’t to diminsh the other aspects of sex-… Read more »
I do like seeing thin women, petite women, toned, even women with the thigh gap are attractive to me but I am also attracted to heavier women, women with more muscle tone, etc. I know a lot of my friends aren’t attracted to thin women though but everyone is different. The most attractive women are the ones that are into it, who are enthusiastic and enjoy it. That said I find I am attracted to a slightly wider variety of women offline in the real world, porn on video seems to lack a lot of things that can make you… Read more »
Elizabeth: “Hi Erin- On the point of fantasy vs reality, I couldn’t express it any better than Archy did.” Then I’d ask that you take a deeper look at the intricacies of what I was saying. Please check out the article I referenced to him. I am sure that at some point, you’ve seen some kind of movie where the events where so unbelievable it gave you no emotional reaction but to laugh at it or roll your eyes. I am also sure that you’ve seen movies that gave you a very strong reaction whether you cried, laughed in earnest,… Read more »
Erin- Please don’t suggest that what I choose to watch or what I choose to do in the bedroom is somehow dictated by corporate greed or patriarchy. I am a grown woman who is perfectly in touch with my own desires and my own limits. I’m getting really tired of this brand of feminism that excludes other viewpoints. The logical endpoint to your argument is that I have no agency because I respond to images and acts that you consider distasteful. That’s an incredibly arrogant stance. You don’t speak for all women just as I don’t. Getting to that point… Read more »
Amen to that. The anti-porn brigade speaks some of the most misogynistic crap I’ve ever seen, acting like women have zero agency. There may be some influence of porn on the young which is an issue but still we can make choices as adults to what we like. I’d say there is far more issue with puritan beliefs harming sexuality. There is quite a lot of trouble with limited variety in porn however new technology has reduced the production and distribution costs for porn allowing for much more variety. Even if kids look at porn, the only way it could… Read more »
Who are you refering to Archy because in this conversation, I haven’t seen anything misognynistic. If you have, can you show me where it exists? I’m not sure what women having “zero agencey” has to do with the fact that most porn is run for and by other men and their desires. Could you also explain this? I only re-accounted my experiences with porn and how i’ve seen men change in their expectations and desires since the advent of porn has become so popular. When I was younger, men seemed much more interested in sex as something that was suppose… Read more »
“I’m not sure what women having “zero agencey” has to do with the fact that most porn is run for and by other men and their desires. Could you also explain this?” Read Elizabeth’s comment on denying agency, that is a start. Re: the misogyny, I refer to the outright slut shaming and degrading speeches some anti-porn folk often use that basically implies women cannot enjoy even male-typical porn with facials, etc. I didn’t mean you and I didn’t mean this comment thread alone. Think of the type of people that act like women in porn are ALWAYS damaged, ALWAYS… Read more »
Archy: “Read Elizabeth’s comment on denying agency, that is a start.” I did read it. Which is what incited my question to begin with. I needed more of an explaintion. But thank you for clearing up my other question. I think you will see that “slut-shaming” and “degrading speeches” can come from pro-porn folks as much as anti-porn folks. I’m not sure it’s fair to simply say that that anti-porn folks are the only ones guilty of that. Heck, a lot of porn itself engages in “slut shaming” language and degradation. Although, this seems excusable as long as someone is… Read more »
“I think you will see that “slut-shaming” and “degrading speeches” can come from pro-porn folks as much as anti-porn folks. ” I know, didn’t say they weren’t. The whole dirty talk bullshit in porn is a prime example of that, I HATE when people refer to pornstars as sluts even when they like porn. “There is a difference between “ALWAYS” and “A LOT”, I believe. ” As I said I didn’t mean you, it’s others I meant. I’ve seen oodles that act like it’s always exploitive, there’s currently someone on another thread on GMP trying to prove this to me… Read more »
Archy: “I know, didn’t say they weren’t.” You didn’t. But you didn’t exactly bring it up either. In that instance, you only mentioned anti-porn people. Which is why I made that comment. Archy: “As I said I didn’t mean you, it’s others I meant. I’ve seen oodles that act like it’s always exploitive, there’s currently someone on another thread on GMP trying to prove this to me and failing miserably, even went as far to say I should feel bad about porn I’ve been apart of! (which was sexting to a friend)” But if they infact do feel that it… Read more »
” But if they infact do feel that it is *always* explotive, who are you to say that’s wrong? Obviously you have a different stand point but they are not “failing miserably” if they don’t see things your way or “fail” to justify things to “you”. You are not some higher power they have to *prove* something to. Obviously you have also “failed” to “prove” your own points to them. Otherwise they would agree with you. ” I am someone that understands logic n reasoning, and it’s just not logical to assume porn is ALWAYS exploitive and can easily be… Read more »
Elizabeth, I haven’t made any specific comment about you personally and what you may choose to do in the bedroom or how much of itis or isn’t influenced by what you’ve personally seen. Any comments I’ve made are simply generalizations, not necessarily specific to your own unique life situation. Just as you’ve made your own generalizations about why you believe women believe or do certain things, specific to women who you believe have issues with porn; I’ve made some of my own generalizations. Neither generalization is “right” or “wrong” in their own context but each of us certainly do disagree… Read more »
And Erin, I’m curious, what kind of porn “can” appeal to women? What does our “real” sexuality look like? I ask this somewhat in sarcasm, but somewhat seriously as well. I have my own stereotypes about “porn for women” that usually revolve around soft focus, bear skin rugs, candles, etc, etc., which frankly for me is a giant snooze fest. You agree that women like to see more animalistic sex in porn. Can you point to an example? I’d like to be freed of this assumption I’m making, if possible.
Missionary position, not too long, after 20 hours of romantic foreplay with candles, special music, after he has slaved away at trying to please her of course! /sarcasm.
I think she means however porn that isn’t catering ONLY to the male gaze, and I agree that diversity is needed there. Some of the porn that has gagging, slapping, etc may turn off many women (and men), porn that has unrealistic portrayals of bodies or very limited diversity such as the blonde bimbo can be boring too since it’d be harder some women to relate?
I’m not so sure that porn caters only to the male gaze, that’s what I’ve been saying. But I’m interested to hear her reply. What’s a female gaze? And don’t we all own parts of each?
To be honest Elizabeth, I am less interested in what kind of porn can appeal to women vs what kind of SEX can appeal to women. Two very different things in my mind’s eye. Although I am sure that there is a wide range of porn that appeals to a wide range of women. Whether it’s healthy or not is up for debate. Women can fall into the same pitfalls of porn that men can. Regardless, porn is still largely driven by a male point of view and by male wants and desires. They can heavily influence how both men… Read more »
Erin, To me, your argument reduces to this: Porn is bad because it caters to men. Then you outline how from this initial flaw other wrongs filter down: brainwashing, and the loss of women’s voice on the screen and in the bedroom. Yet when confronted with several comments attesting otherwise, that women can and do enjoy these images, instead of reassessing your initial premise, Porn is for Men, you sweep the counter arguments under the carpet, suggesting that other viewpoints are either A) brainwashed “You want that kind of sex? Fun! Bring it on. But define it for yourself. Not… Read more »
Elizabeth, if you believe my argument is as simple as, “Porn is bad because it caters to men”, then you haven’t really given me a fair shake. I simply want to make sure we all understand this key aspect of porn and the voice it largely gives to male desires. This says nothing about the “badness” or “goodness” of porn itself. Although when one gender group tends to have a bigger amount of control over a type of media, over the other, it does tend to create an imbalance and limited voice to the other. This happens with both men… Read more »
interesting, wouldn’t say 100% accurate, but interesting… my first thought is… as usual… What?!… i don’t know ANY guys with this kind of attitude and we tend to talk about stuff… That in and of it’self may explain the issue, the guys i know tend to talk… i like porn, i am VERY picky about it, responses needs to feel real, and it needs to be very intense… so I end up assessing a lot of borderline or full on D/s Scenes, (something that i’m comfortable in Real life with as well), Most if not all of these things are… Read more »
I don’t like how you imply everyone is the same as you in the bedroom. Maybe you should get out more. Join the real world, the one where its not all about you. I’ve been activly involved in kink for years and met many people in to many different things, some I find attractive while others I hate with a passion. But I don’t sit around writing stories about them saying “its wrong because I don’t like it and the entire world is about me”. You are damaging to sexual liberation everywhere and should be ashamed at attempting to group… Read more »
Now, I’m sure some people out there like the things on this list. I think the big problem with American porn is how crude and gonzo it has become, yet! there is a backlash. Because now, so-called female friendly porn and art porn are gaining a lot of attraction, which is great. I would never look down on anything legal that consensual adults like to do, but my goodness, porn needs to be a lot more holistic than it is now. There’s enough room for everything from realistic instruction to sensual eroticism to the gonzo. And in the end, dudes,… Read more »
Hi everybody !
Here is today’s The Guardian with an interesting article about porn,and reseach on porn.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2013/jun/16/internet-violent-porn-crime-studies
“Rape Crisis South London carried out simple research that involved typing “free porn” into Google and then quantified the results: 86% of sites that came up advertised videos depicting the rape of under-18s, 75% involved guns or knives, 43% showed the woman drugged, and 46% purported to be incest rape.” About 403,000,000 results (0.15 seconds) So Rape Crisis South London reviewed 450 million websites? BULLLLLLLSSSHIITTT. The first page of websites are the “youtube”‘s of internet porn and have a wide variety of stuff. I’d like them to explain to me why I can easily go watch thousands of non-violent movies… Read more »
Archly You are young,and have knowledge about computers and the Internet . I am sure you are aware that you and I will get up different things on our screen when we search? Because Google look for things to come up with ,similar to what we have searched and watched before. So if you Archy love vanilla porn,and use all your time with vanilla. Google will give you that. You know all this better than me. I think it is great that they review reseach on porn,and also find out how to reseach what using porn does to us and… Read more »
The sex moves and positions are not even the most unrealistic part. What about all the flimsy plot lead-ups to the actual sex?
I was never a cable guy or a postman, but I was a pizza delivery driver for a few years. That porn cliche about sexy, horny women seducing the guy who comes to their door on business, leading to spontaneous sex? Not once. Not even close. And I was in great shape back then. I did deliver to a pimp one time, which is an even more sobering dose of reality.
Thank you for the article. It pretty much confirms what I had already concluded. Porn, most porn, is formulaic drivel and bears as much resemblance to real sex as a Monster Truck does to a Family Sedan. I am not above enjoying it in small doses for amusement from time to time but it is fantasy not reality. There are a few movies out there that rise to the level of erotic cinema, but they are way too few and become notable by their exception. I think what little I do enjoy in “mainstream porn” is the occasional inventive lead… Read more »
” Porn, most porn, is formulaic drivel and bears as much resemblance to real sex as a Monster Truck does to a Family Sedan. ” Love this line. Thank you!
My pleasure.
If a man wants to try something he saw in a porn movie, there are actually several possible explanations for this. One explanation could be that he thinks that’s what “real sex” is like or that it’s what “all women like.” Could be that’s the case. Or, it could be that he finds that particular scenario pleasurable in its own right. Just because he got the idea from porn doesn’t mean that he assumes it’s common or assumes that you must like it just because the woman on the screen liked it. Maybe he likes the idea himself because it… Read more »
Hi Wellokthen
You write:
✺”Could it be possible to do something with a man that he enjoys that you don’t? Would that always be a bad thing in every case?”✺
Lots of women try to please their man and make him happy sexually and do things he wants that does not arose them,feel good or feel right.
The problem is that if you do not respect your own borders, sex can eventually feel unpleasant or even worse it can turn you off that man for good.
This article just doesn’t jive with my experience at all. First, the obvious: good “real life” sex is incredibly boring to watch on-screen. And on the flip-side, porn-style sex can be pretty boring to have in real life. I know plenty of men a ton of porn, but who still seem to enjoy pretty healthy sex lives. It’s insulting to see that the author thinks we’re not smart enough to distinguish between porn and real life. Besides, in my experience and those of my male friends, it’s young women who are driving the push towards the more degrading aspects of… Read more »
@DD You said: “It’s insulting to see that the author thinks we’re not smart enough to distinguish between porn and real life.” I know so many girlfriends over the years and my own experiences, that say some men who watch porn do transfer over to real life the porn formula. I’m glad to hear you are not one of them. “Besides, in my experience and those of my male friends, it’s young women who are driving the push towards the more degrading aspects of real-life sex. My first experience with bondage, anal sex, rough sex, facials, and role-playing were all… Read more »
Well I’m 22 years old and believe me, many girls my age watch porn. And many kinds of porn, straight, gay porn, lesbian porn. Of course majority of them dont talk about their porn interest in public, but I know my ex watch porn and she said many of her friends watch porn too.
And do you think many women dont expect their men to have rough and BSDM sex like Christian Grey???? I really2 doubt porn only have bad effects on men.
Hi John
You write:
✺”And do you think many women dont expect their men to have rough and BSDM sex like Christian Grey???? I really2 doubt porn only have bad effects on men.”✺
Of course porn influence women when they use it.
If women had studies ancient wisdom about good lovemaking that exist in for example some Asian and Arab cultures it had shaped us and influenced us in an other direction.
Hi Lori Many women here are talking about men who push women’s sexual boundaries. I know that many women do come across such men. But I was wondering if there is common denominator here. Is this something a particular kind of man is more likely to do to women? I’m not speaking of relationships and marriages. I think that’s a different thing when a man urges his wife or long term gf to do something . I was married for 5 years and my ex wanted me to try anal. I told him I was uncomfortable with it and he… Read more »
“… real-life women …”
The whole point is for men to avoid having to take the awful risks that come with associating with “real life women.” Most relationships end, and if they end badly, the absolute inbalance in legal power between men and women makes it unwise for men to form bonds with women.
Would you date men if doing so gave your partner absolute power to set fire to your life, igniting a legal nightmare from which you would likely never wake?
So, so, so very true. To number 1 I might like to add hocking a loogie ANYWHERE on her body. Like number 1, a submissive might very well disagree, but for the most part: ask before dumping a bodily function on her face.
Phrases like “real women” are really REALLY problematic. There is no such thing as a “real woman” in such a way that implies a single set of values and ideas. Personally I like 4 out of 5 of those thing, and don’t really mind the other at all, so…… Does that make me unreal? Things like this become accidentally “shaming.”
Hi Alyssa: I realize that some women may enjoy some of these acts–and as a woman who can enjoy a good sub-dom scene, I am not completely without a raunchy edge to my own sexuality at times. But what I am trying to get across here is the message that porn is a staged, acted, fictional (and formulaic) representation of sex, and that if men will likely miss the mark if they base their own sex life and expectations of what women want on porn alone (vs communicationg with your partner). I have experienced men who have basically engaged sexually… Read more »
Lori, I don’t believe that you intend any shame or disrespect, but your elaboration of what you mean with the “real women” still didn’t do anything to reduce what’s problematic about it, in my opinion. Saying it’s shorthand for “real life women”, meant only to describe the vanilla middle-of-the-bell-curve kind of woman you’re talking about *still* has the effect, even if unintentionally, of characterizing those other women as “not as real” because by your way of thinking, they’re out there on the margins, not in the fat part of the bell curve where you think you and most of your… Read more »
I think one problem is where you have one partner, say the man, frequently wanting to do things that the other doesn’t want, so she is forced to constantly ssy “no” “no” “no” and then she’s uptight or a prude or he feels deprived because he’s not getting to have anal or facials or smack her ass or whatever. What if she really just wants vanilla sex? But she shows him that, and now she’s boring. So, maybe they aren’t sexually compatible — but if a large percentage of men now want and expect those things, she’s almost got no… Read more »
Why labiaplasty? Porn shows the widest varieties of labia a person could ever seen if you are watching videos. Of the last 100 videos I’ve seen, ALL labia were different. “So, maybe they aren’t sexually compatible — but if a large percentage of men now want and expect those things, she’s almost got no choice. ” Welcome to being a human. If she isn’t willing to do what a partner wants then she can be single like everyone else that refuses to do what a partner wants if it’s really that bad. Do you think I’d have much luck never… Read more »
Well I suppose that’s true, being alone is always an option. Frankly, there are things I won’t do. For example, I’m not interested in shaving or waxing my pubic hair, I’ve tried it and the upkeep and ingrown hairs and whatnot are very uncomfortable. I’m 46 years old and frankly I think having a shaved pussy makes me look pathetic. I don’t look anything like a hot bare porn star, I look like a middle aged woman who is trying to look like a porn star . Ick! “Mutton trying to be lamb” as they say . Luckily my current… Read more »
Endorse. I want to make love to a woman, not a girl.
Based on how many men have fantasies about school girls and babysitters, not all men want to make love to women.
Those fantasies are strange, I think it is partly to do with reliving youth. For some I think it’s the fantasy of being BACK in time where you are the similar age. It’s the time of your sexual awakening usually, about 14-15 my sex drive kicked in and I must say hormones were crazy. My guess is that time is imprinted in some people as a good time, OR a time of missed chances, or even a time when there was less stress in life. Personally I hated school, I still fantasize about classmates but I think of them as… Read more »
But in these fantasies, the men ususally aren’t pretending they are the same age. It’s usually the men being older teachers of the father of the children of the babysitter he wants to bang. So your explanation doesn’t make much sense in the context of how it’s generally presented to men through porn. Further, okay you dress up as a school boy all you want but in general, in the real world, the women are expected to dress up as school girls. So you talking about how you would dress up doesn’t deal with the reality of how often there… Read more »
I’ve had the fantasies, and I went back in time to the sexual frustration years of highschool. I thought myself of that age again, but in my mind, in my fantasy the people I thought of were of actual adult women, and acted like such. I recently saw a yearbook photo of year 12 and they look quite different to how I think of them and I think of them as their current age (28ish). The fantasy is more about wishing I had sex AND dating in highschool instead of being lonely. My schoolgirl fantasies are actually just fantasies of… Read more »
Archy, from what I’ve read, *teen* porn seems to prevail with men of all ages. It is infact the leading porn. Infact, I’ve seen statistics that have said that 18-25 year old women tend to be the largest age group in pornography. While I have no doubt that you will once in a while get a 25-30 year old play a “school girl”, I hardly can think that’s the truth based on the statistics I’ve personally read. Having seen other genres of porn myself, some porn even called “milf”, some of the girls in “milf” porn seem to be of… Read more »
“Based on how many men have fantasies about school girls and babysitters, not all men want to make love to women.” I thought about this some more but does that mean some women do want to be raped because they fantasize about being raped? I am led to believe a large portion of women have fantasized about this. ht tp://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/psyched/200805/why-do-women-have-erotic-rape-fantasies “A recent analysis of 20 studies over the last 30 years indicates that between 31% and 57% of women have rape fantasies, and these fantasies are frequent or preferred in 9% to 17% of women. Considering that many people are… Read more »
On the rape fantasy issue, I don’t think it’s about assault by a man, but about being “taken” passionately, and Ideally, by a man you know. I used to have those fantasies as a 20 year old (I am now 51) and would always be clear even in my fantasy space, to create a man that I knew was not going to harm me–in other words, a “friendly” rapist, and one really good at pleasuring me! .(I would hazard a guess rape fantasy does not happen in cultures where men are dangerously angry at women and women are afraid of… Read more »
I’ve fantasized about rough sex, but never ever about raping someone cuz part of what turns me on is them WANTING to fuck me. You can gain power in sex with a dom/sub relationship which I have fantasized about, rape itself though I can’t understand how anyone would fantasize about either side. Maybe women fantasize about being a sub more than being raped.
Lori Lothian On the rape fantasy issue, I don’t think it’s about assault by a man, but about being “taken” passionately, and Ideally, by a man you know. I used to have those fantasies as a 20 year old (I am now 51) and would always be clear even in my fantasy space, to create a man that I knew was not going to harm me–in other words, a “friendly” rapist, and one really good at pleasuring me! .(I would hazard a guess rape fantasy does not happen in cultures where men are dangerously angry at women and women are… Read more »
Erin : Based on how many men have fantasies about school girls and babysitters, not all men want to make love to women.
Die if you do, die if you don’t
.
When we have fantasies about older women (MILFS….heard of that term?) you’d come here and blame young men for not respecting older women enough.
“Based on how many men have fantasies about school girls and babysitters, not all men want to make love to women.”
The paranoia about this is just increasing the intensity of the fantasy. The reaction to this fantasy just sexualizes girls even more, and what gets created is a feedback loop.
Hang on, now. A preference for a shaved pubic area is not automatically a desire for a “little girl” look. That’s the common, easy interpretation in a society like ours that is so totally paranoid about pedophilia. Sometimes the turn-on for the man is the shaving itself. Sometimes the turn-on is the idea that one’s partner would do such a taboo thing for you. Sometimes the turn-on is the revelation of a private surprise. A fantasy of a shaved woman is not the same thing as a fantasy for a hairless girl. Although I have no basis for comparison, my… Read more »
Because it was an overraction.
I’ve always been bothered by the leap of logic people are willing to make in order to get from “I prefer short of no pubic hair.” to “I wanna have sex with little girls.” And no its more than just the existence of guys that really do think that way.
Otherwise the same stigma would follow women that prefer men with little or no pubic hair.
i think women do ask their men what they want but not all men tell them the truth, they tell them what they think they want to hear. Even if the woman is open to hearing whatever the man says, sometimes the man is too embarrased to say what he really wants so the women are left guessing and going by what they think men want
I don’t think your exaggerating Sarah. I think that women want to please their man. They don’t want him to see her has this update prude. So a lot of women will do things that they might be totally comfortable with because honestly, a number of men want them. And a lot of what men seem to want now-a-days, seems less about pleasure and more about punishing women or women having to endure some amount of pain.
Erin, you write: They don’t want him to see her has this update prude. So a lot of women will do things that they might be totally comfortable with because honestly, a number of men want them. In an earlier comment, the author of this article, Lori Lothian, wrote: I am suggesting both in the beginning and the end, and even in the middle of this plece, over and over, that men learn what their partners want by communicating with them, vs taking cues from the visual fiction of porn. Do you (anyone, not just Erin) see how incompatible the… Read more »
Marcus, you will get no any argument from me that “faking” or pretending I liked something in the relationship wasn’t right. I’ve been honest about that and owned the fact that I wasn’t contributing healthily to the relationship. But it WAS my defense against looking like an uptight prude; in combination with being a young woman who wanted to meet my partner’s sexual expectations when I had no clue what men wanted. I am not sure why you’d want me to frame it another way. Is it offensive to you in some way? If so, I don’t really understand why.… Read more »
A nicely thought out and well expressed response. As I commented earlier I don’t see how other men regard porn as a sex manual. As an older man I’m of the “it should be good sweaty fun” school. Of course I am not a heavy porn watcher either – not that I am saintly in that regard. I think you brought out some good points. Although the sword does cut both ways as some women seem to expect all of their bed mates to have 12 inches of swinging meat and act disappointed when you don’t. And neither do all… Read more »
Sex without an emotional connection, at least as friends, is mere rutting. However, there are still guys left who value the company of women as more than just a sex toy…The emotional connection is what is important, is what endures, and makes for a happy sex life. There are other considerations but that is the most important. Isn’t that more a position on casual, or at least non-exclusive sex than porn? You could make the same argument (and many have) long before Internet porn became the scourge of human sexuality. And most of the time, just like your argument, whatever’s… Read more »
No, I don’t think so. Casual sex has been around as long as humankind has been around, and I do draw distinction between sex for fun, and sex for love. One is sporty play and the other more than just the physical mingling of bodies. I am not passing some sort of prudish moral judgement upon it but observing how the attitudes toward sex have changed resulting from the influence of porn. People are individuals with individual tastes and desires, but to the degree someone is doing, or expecting, something because they saw it treated as “normal” in a grade… Read more »
WP, I don’t think porn has created a more positive or relaxed attitude toward sex. And I’m not really sure why you do either. We certainly have a more permissibly sexualized culture. Sometimes it’s good and sometimes it’s bad. But you may be giving pornography too much credit to believe it’s the source of our sexual expression. I would infact actually argue that porn is more of a source of sexual bondage than it is true sexual freedom. I once again reference the older man I talked to that made a distinction between the porn of today and the porn… Read more »
I think the sexual freedom movement in the 60’s is a BIG reason why sexuality is far more open today, and more people are turning away from puritan style conservative religious values and finding their own. Religion was the number 1 restriction on sexuality, namely catholic and christian based religions in the west and they are seeing a major issue of finding believers. Porn simply grew in the already ever expanding market for sexuality, it didn’t cause sexual openness, it just exists because there IS sexual openness. Access to birth control also helps greatly too, and the ever closing gap… Read more »
I grew up never knowing porn existed until I started having significant relationships with men. It was a culture shock. Men had this whole world that they loved that I found was very uncaring toward women in a general way and clearly set these over the top unrealistic expectations. I was actually much happier with my body before I realized what men really wanted women to look like. Erin, I just have one question for you…a very logical and simple one. If porn is screwing up men’s expectations regarding what women should look like, then how can an average looking… Read more »
Tim, for me, your question isn’t really that logical within the context of this discussion. I am not sure how us having a pornified culture, and we do have one, correlates to who more easily obtains sexual partners. Especially since I’ve been told by a number of men that men can often sleep with women they don’t much like, have respect for or even find attractive for the sake of simply wanting and desiring of sex. If average women can obtain sexual partners more easily than average looking men, I don’t see how that denies the fact that we infact… Read more »
I think that is right as long as there are other people out there who don’t like “flitzing” so the non-flitzer can have the opportunity for a satisfying relationship. But what of 95% of men (for example) have become accustomed to the idea that flitzing is essential to their sexual satisfaction? The non-flitzer may be forced to accept it because they have no alternative. I read an article awhile back in some magazine where a bunch of guys talked about how they could not consider a long term relationship with a woman who wouldnt have anal sex because they felt… Read more »
I think that is right as long as there are other people out there who don’t like “flitzing” so the non-flitzer can have the opportunity for a satisfying relationship. But what of 95% of men (for example) have become accustomed to the idea that flitzing is essential to their sexual satisfaction? The non-flitzer may be forced to accept it because they have no alternative. If 95% of potential partners want flitzing, then a non-flitzer has a few choices: 1) Change their mind about flitzing; 2) Fake it, which involves engaging in flitzing while secretly resenting or disliking it; 3) Let… Read more »
I think for some of us, men and women, we do believe that sexuality is sometimes being perverted into something unhealthy. Due to the over exposure of porn, do to the nature of how most porn represents sex between men and women and do to the reality that porn largely caters toward a male. Which excludes making women partners in sex with men. Whenever one gender has a higher amount of control than the other, there is bound to be some abuse of power on their part. And that’s largely what you have with pornography when it comes to men… Read more »
If your partner treats you like shit, it’s up to you to leave or get them to change. If you continually reward their bad behaviour with your love, intimacy, sex, then you are directly helping them to stay the same way. If most men are treating women badly, then women need to get off their asses n ditch the bad men. I have a friend who went back to an abusive, rapist ex bf and had sex with him again….all she did was reinforce his behaviour, he KNOWS he got away with it, he KNOWS she’ll be back. Regardless of… Read more »
Erin
The vast majority of men are happy enough to get plain old vanilla sex. What percentage of men are you talking about?….those who can push the boundaries of and can tell the women (presumably many) they date and have relationships with; that I want X Y or Z type of sex and if you’re not willing I can move on to another woman.
What percentage of men are you talking about honestly.
Erin, You make some very good points here. I think there is something of a feedback or dialectic between porn and sex. Porn taps into pre-existing desires and expresses pre-existing desires, but over time it also shapes those desires, which then have an influence on porn, etc. Porn is a product of sexuality and a shaper of sexuality to some degree, like just about every part of the cultural side of sex. I think the whole thing is much more complicated than porn simply reprogramming men or porn simply being a reflection of what men already want. The truth is… Read more »
Marcus, just plain great comments.
Tim – I don’t have a percentage to give you. But I do believe that more men than not have allowed pornography to influence their sexuality in some way. I speak from my own real life experiences and from the discussions I’ve held with other women and from the way I’ve also heard men talk about sex. I’m 32. I know what it’s like to be with men before the advent and the availability of porn on the internet. And I know what’s like to be with men with the increasingly hardcore and available porn that has become prominent on… Read more »
So… women pushed for a sexual revolution, got it, and now we have “free sex for all.” A generation later and men have adapted, and are finally able to get the kind of sex they want from women, under the terms the desire, and women are angry for it? Something about “be(ing) careful what you wish for” seems appropriate here.
I don’t think women pushed for the porn revolution. That’s mostly run by men, for men.
I don’t know how I could have been any clearer. Women pushed for the sexual revolution and got it. The “porn revolution” is just a natural adaption to that. A lot of women here seem angry that men’s sexual desires are out of the bag and in the open now, but that’s a natural evolution of a free sex society. You can’t have a society that says only men or only women are allowed to freely express themselves sexually. You have to accept both sides of the equation, whether you’d like to or not.
I think women pushed for the right to be considered equal to men. I am not sure I live in a society where women are truly considered equal to men still. Although we certainly have more rights than we use to. Regardless, I think most people understand that the world is always in adaptation. We are always (hopefully) evolving toward a more quality future. I don’t think the current sexual haze we are in, in society, is healthy for either men or women. I also don’t think men are all that *free* when it comes to porn, even if some… Read more »
I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not a student of feminist history, but every feminist I know has asserted at some point that the patriarchy is responsible for the repression of women’s sexuality and that a free sex society is a direct strike against patriarchy. One only has to read back through the comments of this article and others like it on GMP to see this idea in action. I never said that there weren’t men who supported the push towards a free sex society; that idea seems ridiculous on its surface, since surely there are many men… Read more »
Actually both men and women were oart of tge sexual revolution. Research to develop the birth control pill was pushed by early feminist Margaret Sanger. Women’s willingness to engage in casual sex changed forever with reliable, discreet birth control. But then you also had men like Hugh Hefner and Larry Flynt pushing an agenda of sexual liberation and openness about sex through porn. You also had millions of young people in the 60’s who were mostly apolitical who just liked the idea of having sex. You had TV shows in the 70’s like 3’s Company and The Love Boat joking… Read more »
I’d like to register some limited disagreement. First, before it kills me, Hugh Hefner is an amoral wretch, and Larry Flynt is a pig. Ahhh, I feel much better now. Okay, with that out of the way. Margaret Sanger was also a pig. If you actually read what she wrote, rather than what her apologists say she wrote, it quickly becomes clear that she was not so much into liberating women from bondage to their ovaries, but that she was pushing a eugenics agenda. The main targets of her spleen were what she wrote about as “garbage populations” which she… Read more »
I have a different historical remembrance. Hefner was partly liberatory, but his notions were patriarchal, personally self-serving, and consumeristic– so it would be the male who would be liberated, and women would be liberated enough to have sex. That’s it. Flynt was much worse. One of his covers showed a woman being forced into a meat grinder– truly misogynistic. I do think that there’s always been a sex-positive strain in feminism– but there’s a stronger sex-negative one. (We shouldn’t be surprised– that’s exactly what biological theories would predict.) Lesbians tend to be as sex-negative as anyone. They are for example… Read more »
Mostly in reply to Hank’s comment above: What’s often forgotten is that in the McCarthyist mindset of the 1950’s, just about any deviation from a narrowly defined sex/family role was easily branded as perverted, subversive, and degenerate. (For McCarthy’s followers, those were also the characteristics of subversives, communists, Democrats, and anyone with an Ivy League education.) In fact, under the logic of 1950’s era sexual conformism, any man who was not married by a certain age was probably gay, even Hugh Hefner! Even heterosexual men who were thought of as “oversexual” like Hefner was might be branded as a “sex… Read more »
WP – the belief that Feminism was or is dominated by lesbians is akin to the belief that all feminists are hairy, ugly harpies. It’s a popular myth to hypothesize about but not rooted in real fact. There are many famous feminists that were heterosexual. Although I will agree that there is some fluidity to the idea of misogyny in some feminist principal. However, good feminism doesn’t prescribe to that. Even within religion, there are those that use their religious beliefs for good and others that use it for evil. Women began their journey into feminism, and thus liberation, way… Read more »
[Not sure where to put this comment. Wait, don’t answer that….] There’s something really fascinating going on here with this article and many of the comments. Here’s an analysis of porn that judges it based on how realistically it shows women’s sexual pleasure. That’s sort of odd, if you think about it. The porn that’s made for a hetero male audience is made in order to please male viewers. It’s about hetero male fantasies. Whether these scenarios really turn on women who aren’t being paid to pretend, or not, is in a real sense beside the point. It’s also fascinating… Read more »
@Lori: So, when my girlfriend holds my head tightly to her crotch and her cum spills into my mouth, into my eyes, drips down my chin and gets into my hair, and my tongue is cramping, that’s not good? That’s not the same as me cuming on he face? Please. The truth is, people are doing far more sexually than what is mentioned in this article. It seems like some women are trying to position themselves as sexually conservative prudes because it maintains the myth about women being less interested in and more moral sexually than men are. The acts… Read more »
Alyssa There is no such thing as a “real woman” in such a way that implies a single set of values and ideas. Personally I like 4 out of 5 of those thing, and don’t really mind the other at all, so…… Does that make me unreal? The point is that most men are not amazing / attractive enough to get women to do some of these things mentioned here. Yeah, I know that for my good looking friend who is a struggling male model, some of these acts constitute normal parts of his sex life but its not for… Read more »
There is no such thing as a real woman or man, individuals are all we are. We like different things and do things differently, if we was all the same it would be a boring place in deed. Although I question your comments “Have you ever posted a real man image on facebook?” because it works both ways. I know I’ve posted real woman pics to counteract my friends posting real man filth, but I mainly did that to prove a point and be a smartass lol. If you was to spend some time in kink you would problay see… Read more »
Another thing which was not touched here is the relationship between porn-that’s-meant-to-be-porn and nowadays video clips. I really can’t stand to see those clips, where often groups of beautiful scarecely dressed women are crawling around some fat ugly guy who takes his pick and performs explicit sexual acts while in reality pretending to sing a song. My kid watches this!!! I have to tell here this is not how men and women are supposed to be together, but she of course finds me oldfashioned and the way her parents behave ‘stupid and boring’. No point in forbidding watching this (although… Read more »
Gonna be the devil’s advocate here to people who are stressing over men preferring porn to real women…but doesn’t that suggest women are doing something wrong and pushing men away from wanting to be with them? Porn doesn’t touch you, love you, care for you, so why would these men give that up to focus on porn? Maybe some are hurt by women and scared, maybe some women shame male sexuality so much that they just don’t feel loved by women, maybe they are addicted? Maybe some are just not seeking a real relationship and porn is easier. So so… Read more »
>> Maybe some are hurt by women and scared, maybe some women shame male sexuality so much that they just don’t feel loved by women, maybe they are addicted? Maybe some are just not seeking a real relationship and porn is easier. >> So it comes down to character; like with anything else in life, you can fight of run away if things get difficult. And your character will either help you or be in your way. If it helps you (and you let it help you) you keep looking for that real relationship and for a woman that will… Read more »
Sadly for many it can be very hard to find a partner. Maybe legal brothels will help soothe their pain, or better dating sites to find someone. Heaps of various reasons for porn usage, some good, some bad.
Personally I’m a woman who’s a REALLY big fan of facials, wearing heels to bed, and gagging on penis, it’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but I enjoy them, that said, the oral sex, and anal to oral bits are definitely true.
I like the feel of semen on my face, frankly heels are more comfortable than flats for me, but as stated tastes vary.
I never understood gagging…Nausea is the worst for me and I gag easy, I could only imagine people with very little gag reflex would enjoy it.
Many women on this site probably wont believe it. But while I like to watch hardcore porn ( yes, hardcore), my approach towards real sex is very different. My girlfriend even complained to me that our sex is too “vanilla”. I can even get very emotional and cry during sex. But when I watch porn, sometimes I watch hardcore porn. Maybe deep down in my heart I’m a really a monster and rapist. Maybe deep down in my heart I hate women. Maybe my emotional and caring side are just my mask to cover my true evil? Maybe. But I… Read more »
I honestly don’t believe what women will put up with. And men should be ashamed of themselves for how they behave. I think porn has alot to do with why men think it’s acceptable to objectify a human being. Porn take what was a sacred act and desecrates it. Some porn is tasteful, but most of it is revolting, simply because there is no chemistry. I have never understood the facial. Seems like a waste of good semen. Cunnilingus however I cannot live without. I am an empath so she has to feel good for me to feel good. Good… Read more »
You had me until “heels.”
Chivalry is sexist as fuck. Do you think ladies are more fragile? Hell even the term lady is laden with shaming.
Biker:” Great comments. Wow. Thanks for this. In the article I wanted to keep things short and sweet, and thus five of many items I could have listed. Anal: many women I know enjoy occasional anal play and so I did not bother to list it, since it’s actually become a kind of norm, whether through porn or just an acceptance that there are many pleasure centers in a woma’s the body beyond the clit. Spanking: Fifty shades made BDSM moves a more mainstream thing. But even before then, I also know many women who love the erotic pleasure that… Read more »
I definitely prefer natural… the hairless look… why? I really don’t get it. I also want to suggest in reference to porn as a masturbation tool, which wasn’t the original intent of this article… I actually think that pornography when used as a tool to masturbate to is incredibly harming to male sexuality. Having been there and explored that I know that being focused on a set of visual and aural stimulation for my arousal that I become virtually disconnected from my own sensations apart from the one that says ejaculation is imminent. What I am suggesting is that porn… Read more »
I prefer hairless. I like smooth skin, I LOVE vulva and love to see it in detail and find hair covers that usually and of course hair in mouth is a problem. I don’t mind hair though but preference is hairless or a cute pattern above with the sides hairless. I also prefer having my balls bare too.
Many women on this site probably wont believe it. But while I like to watch hardcore porn ( yes, hardcore, sometimes abused and even rape porn ), my approach towards real sex is very different. My girlfriend even complained to me that our sex is too “vanilla”. I can even get very emotional and cry during sex. But when I watch porn, I can only watch hardcore porn. I mean really hardcore with gangbang, slapping, choking. Weird? Maybe I’m sick, a psychopath, maybe deep down in my heart I’m a really a monster and rapist. Maybe deep down in my… Read more »
“Weird? Maybe I’m sick, a psychopath, maybe deep down in my heart I’m a really a monster and rapist. Maybe deep down in my heart I hate women. Maybe my emotional and caring side are just a mask to cover my true evil? Maybe. ” I doubt it, otherwise you would treat your partner like shit. Taboo probably explains some of it, you might be turned on because it’s not supposed to be done like how I like playing the most evil character in a game because it’s so different to real life and fun to fantasize about being baddd.… Read more »
I think this is kind of what scares me about men sometimes John, and makes me sad. That men can enjoy seeing women hurt and abused sexually but that they might be good fathers or look normal to the outside world. Are you sick or unhealthy or any of that? I don’t know. I do think there is something going on in your subconcious which might not mean you hate women or it might. (I don’t know.) But as a woman, it’s hard to hear about how much men like seeing abusive things done to women sexually. And it makes… Read more »
Now take that one Huggies Commercial and maginfiy to a large chunk of the porn industry and it feels like like men just think women are less than human beings. You have provided many specific examples over the course of many posts of the kinds of sex acts and related behaviors in porn that *you* find degrading. Some people – mostly women – have agreed with you, but many men AND women have responded that they don’t share your feeling that all those acts and behaviors are inherently degrading, so your conclusion that men (or women) who like porn think… Read more »
The main psychological issue with dog style is that you’re not facing your partner. The main physical issue is the clitoris is way up out of the way so you can’t do a light grind on it on the “in-stroke.” (This is also true of legs over shoulders, which looks hot, but can pull the clit way out of action.) Dog can be a perfectly good position, but it seems to be valorized by porn a bit too much. Many women can be stimulated to orgasm by dog, so it can be pretty good, but this presupposes good vaginal (and… Read more »
The relative merits of doggy style (or other rear-penetrating positions) are interesting, but not really my point in bringing it up. My point was that if you don’t personally care for it for whatever reasons, there’s nothing wrong with that, but it doesn’t follow that if you find it animalistic and disgusting, that doggy style afficionados think of their partners as animals and are engaging in simulated bestiality. You acknowledge that despite the flaws you find with it, some people still like it, so unless you’re arguing that it’s an indicator of bestiality – which I don’t think you are… Read more »
Marcus, you said: “… but*many* men AND women have responded that they don’t share your feelings..” I have no doubt in my mind that not everyone agrees with me. I also have no doubt in my mind that not everyone agrees with you. I am not sure what you are trying to achieve by making an arbitrary, and not a very germane comment about the *many* people you believe don’t believe what I think. Regardless of that, I understand people don’t share my feelings. Just as I am sure you understand that not everyone share your feelings either. I am… Read more »
I would guess that, yes, your fantasies indicate that you feel a lot of anger and hostility toward women, but you keep it in fantasy. You will probably never act it out. I’m not saying “you are a bad person.” we all have weird, sadistic stuff in our heads. (That’s why violence in movies is popular in general.) But the violent stuff wouldn’t appeal to you if you didn’t enjoy the idea of being cruel and mean. The violent porn is a window into your unconscious desires. Sexuality is very weird and complicated. Just my two cents.
I am a guy. In my day, I have watched a lot of porn. I fit the stereotype. There is something I don’t fit though – I have never taken porn to be real. Even when it was marketed as ‘amateur/real” Let us look at this article in a little more detail. 1 – The porn we are discussing in this article is visual, western, man-oriented and mostly explicit hardcore videographed scenes depicting heterosexual intercourse. 2 – Textual porn (Shades of grey/ romantic-erotic fiction, etc.) is not being considered. 3 – Most porn (the kinds we are discussing) weave in… Read more »
Thanks for writing this article. Even if it’s *just* (this word gets interjected alot in these conversations) “fantasy” to do some of the acts that are listed here, they are still acts that are somewhat abusive toward women. I have a hard time understanding how this is even fun for men. Why does so much misogyny exist in porn and why do so little men seem to care? Even though this stuff exists, it still gets moderately defended by the fact that it’s “fantasy”. Which apparently makes almost anything okay. Although I doubt you could reproduce a video of a… Read more »
” …from my experience, guys weren’t always like this. There was a short time I remember when I was younger when guys actually wanted to be a partner with me in sex. Now it seems more like guys just want to use me like a living sex doll.” This kind of sums the whole thing up, doesn’t it? Because mainstream hetero porn does make the woman a featureless, characterless, sex barbie that the man tosses around into positions based on I suppose his pleasure and inclination. I’d love to see a porn scene where the guy says to the female… Read more »
That would be nice. It would also be nice to see the more subtle things about sex more highlighted. Sometimes I think the gentle and softer side of sex is grossly underestimated. The little things and touches a man can do that seem slight can be so amazing.
I’d also like to see more equality in the projections of how the women look. Where men are able to enjoy women as women and not mearly symbolism of being baby-makers with over engored out of proportion body parts.
@ Lori…
“I’d love to see a porn scene where the guy says to the female actress, something like “hey babe, what position would give you the most pleasure right now?””
I always asked this of the few women I have been with in life. My ex wife was not terribly interested in any positions, except sponing once a month for 10+ years. That’s why she is my ex wife. All those wasted years. That is why it is so important for women to tell men what they want and/or initiate sex
I feel sad when I read this Erin. And I agree. In an article I wrote somewhere on here I likened some of the way we as men approach women and sexuality as violence. I was jumped all over for the use of that word. Reading the stories that some of you women are posting here has me stand by my assertion. I really think everyone wants to connect and if we dug down under the behaviour of some men we will probably find some pretty confused little boys. When I was a boy and a young man I was… Read more »
Damien, your words touched me. And I totally agree with you. I think that we just have some confused little boys that unfortunetly grow up into confused men when it comes to women and sex. This doesn’t make men bad at all. But it is still a problem. Not many people talk about these things despite the fact that they are around us all the time. Parents don’t have ongoing discussions about porn or sex with their kids and I think it’s pretty common for kids to want to seek out information so they turn to peers or porn. Your… Read more »
“And what is even more scary now is that I think younger generations of women are learning that sexuality is about their humiliation and degradation. Talking with some younger women and some of these sex acts seem like nothing to them. They go to even greater lengths of pain and humiliation for their male partners. We think we’ve come so far sexually when I still see a lot of messages that female sexuality is about pain and humiliation and subordination more than it’s about mutual pleasure. It’s like we still fundmentally believe that women need to be punished for enjoying… Read more »
“also promoted in most male-oriented porn, that deep down, all women just want to be used, abused and degraded–especially those “bad girls” who dare to enjoy sex. ” Bullshit, pure fucking bullshit. It’s not in most male-orientated porn. I’ve watched HEAPS of male-orientated porn and the idea is 2 (or more) people enjoying sex. How does it promote “ALL” women anyway? It’s 2 or more pornstars, you could argue that porn suggests pornstars enjoy being used n what not but even then who’s being used? Nearly all porn is consenting, the pornstars have signed contracts so automatically they aren’t being… Read more »
KatyD, we had the same experience! I bought 50 Shades and read the first book to see what all the hype was about and to test my own sexuality. I couldn’t even finish it I was so digusted with it. I also through my in the recycle bin! We largely tie this belief that for women to be able to enjoy sex, and enjoy it wildly, that they need to get off to their own physical, emotional or mental abuse. And unfortunetly, this attitude is prevelant with men and women alike. It’s like women can’t really enjoy their sexuality unless… Read more »
An interesting read that made me laugh! For lots of reasons, the best sex doesn’t necessarily make for good viewing so porn by its nature has to exaggerate and dress up what it’s about in order to have an effect.
Number 12, That women actually are eager to have sex, and as much as the average man is?
Start the debate!
Women have ALWAYS been jsut as eager to have sex as the average man is. But that doesn’t mean she wants to run around in school girl skirts and get gangbaged or penis whipped to prove it. Women don’t have the freedom to express their desire for sex like men do either. We are called derogatory names for it. But I can’t actually understand any man that actually thinks that women don’t have just as eager feelings for sex as men do.
“But I can’t actually understand any man that actually thinks that women don’t have just as eager feelings for sex as men do.” My life experience says otherwise. If what you said was true, I would not see far far far more men complain about not enough sex and far far far more women say they get enough. Now eager DURING sex I could understand if that’s what you mean, number of times per week though I disagree. Women would not be seen as gatekeepers to sex if they were truly as eager as men, nor would women hold such… Read more »
Wait until middle age. My boyfriend only wants sex once or twice a week now, because otherwise he has erectile difficulties. Very frustrating for me since I’d like a relationship with a lot more sexual activity. Many of my female friends have similar complaints.
Funny. Men have been complaining about a lack of sex for about a 1000 yrs it seems.
Now, a few women complain and it’s a BIG deal. It HAS been frustrating for a lot of men for a lot of years! Welcome to the hoosegow!
I have pills which increase my libido as a side effect. Once a day at least! If there are that many erectile issues, then are the women ensuring they are being loving n caring wives n not being abusive or treating them bad to cause the men to be turned off? There are many reasons for ED but that would be one area to look into that they can control. Other areas would be stress at work, health problems, etc. Just as man should ensure they are being good to their partners to get them AND keep them in the… Read more »
I’m always very understanding but my boyfriend is pretty insecure about it, and it causes him to avoid sex. He doesn’t even want to talk about it, actually. We have a good sex life when we have sex, but I’ve pretty much given up on trying to seduce him into having more frequent sex. I never bother trying to initiate sex anymore because he always says no. I’m always confused when I read comments from men who say their middle aged wives don’t want sex because a number of my friends and I have the opposite problem with our middle… Read more »
And I’m sure someone will reply that women in their 40’s aren’t like women in their 20’s, and ain’t that the truth as well — getting old sucks.
A teensy tiny bit of testosterone would help them probably, both men n women, it would increase their sex drive.
@ Erin,
“But I can’t actually understand any man that actually thinks that women don’t have just as eager feelings for sex as men do.”
Yes, I agree that women want sex as much as men. It’s just that they (women) only seem to want such eager sex with a very very few select men whom they feel are sexually attractive.
Yes, I do believe women are more discriminate about their partners (to generalize). But I don’t think that means a man has to be a fantasy image projected by the media. I have had some AMAZING chemistry with men that would not be considered stereotypically attractive by society standards. But i adored them. And they were incredibly sexy to me. I have not been turned on by every stereotypically good looking man I’ve seen or asked me for a date. Infact, just based on looks, I’ve had no response to them at all. But there have been many men that… Read more »