Recognizing domestic violence against men is not easy, but it is urgently necessary.
Women aren’t the only victims of domestic violence. It’s easy to assume that, based on all the cultural stereotypes and media images that we take for granted, but sadly, that is only part of the problem. Men, too, are abused and hurt by their partners, and we forget that at our peril.
It is important that everyone, men and women alike, be able to understand the signs of domestic violence against men, and know how to get help. Domestic violence, also known as domestic abuse, battering or intimate partner violence, occurs between people in an intimate relationship. Domestic violence against men can take many forms, including emotional, sexual and physical abuse and threats of abuse. It can happen in heterosexual or same sex relationships.
It might not be easy to recognize domestic violence against men. Early in the relationship, your partner might seem attentive, generous and protective in ways that later turn out to be controlling and frightening. Initially, the abuse might appear as isolated incidents. Your partner might apologize and promise not to abuse you again. I’ve seen this occurrence with many victims that I’ve worked with in the past.
In other relationships, domestic violence against men might include both partners slapping or shoving each other when they get angry, and neither partner seeing him or her as being abused or controlled. This type of violence, however, can still devastate a relationship, causing both physical and emotional damage.
Below are some warning signs to observe. You might be experiencing domestic violence if your partner:
- Calls you names, insults you or puts you down
- Prevents you from going to work or school
- Stops you from seeing family members or friends
- Tries to control how you spend money, where you go or what you wear
- Acts jealous or possessive or constantly accuses you of being unfaithful
- Gets angry when drinking alcohol or using drugs
- Threatens you with violence or a weapon
- Hits, kicks, shoves, slaps, chokes or otherwise hurts you, your children or your pets
- Assaults you while you’re sleeping, you’ve been drinking or you’re not paying attention to make up for a difference in strength
- Forces you to have sex or engage in sexual acts against your will
- Blames you for his or her violent behavior or tells you that you deserve it
- Portrays the violence as mutual and consensual
If you’re gay, bisexual or transgender, you might also be experiencing domestic violence if you’re in a relationship with someone who:
- Threatens to tell friends, family, colleagues or community members your sexual orientation or gender identity
- Tells you that authorities won’t help a gay, bisexual or transgender person
- Tells you that leaving the relationship means you’re admitting that gay, bisexual or transgender relationships are deviant
- Justifies abuse by telling you that you’re not “really” gay, bisexual or transgender
- Says that men are naturally violent
Children and abuse
Domestic violence affects children, even if they’re just witnesses. If you have children, remember that exposure to domestic violence puts them at risk of developmental problems, psychiatric disorders, problems at school, aggressive behavior and low self-esteem. You might worry that seeking help could further endanger you and your children, or that it might break up your family. Fathers might fear that abusive partners will try to take their children away from them. However, getting help is the best way to protect your children, and yourself. There are some stats shows that children who have been abused grow up to be abusers themselves, and that was the case with my abuse. My abuser was abused, too, as a child. He grew up with no treatment or therapy and the results were “us” his family, being abused.
Break the cycle
If you’re in an abusive situation, you might recognize this pattern:
- Your abuser threatens violence.
- Your abuser strikes you.
- Your abuser apologizes, promises to change and offers gifts.
- The cycle repeats itself.
Typically the violence becomes more frequent and severe over time. Domestic violence can leave you depressed and anxious. You might be more likely to abuse alcohol or drugs or engage in unprotected sex. Domestic violence can even trigger suicide attempts. Because men are traditionally thought to be physically stronger than women, you might be less likely to talk about or report incidents of domestic violence in your heterosexual relationship due to embarrassment or fear of ridicule. You might also worry that the significance of the abuse will be minimized because you’re a man. Similarly, a man being abused by another man might be reluctant to talk about the problem because of how it reflects on his masculinity or because it exposes his sexual orientation.
Additionally, if you seek help, you might confront a shortage of resources for male victims of domestic violence. Health care providers and other contacts might not think to ask if your injuries were caused by domestic violence, making it harder to open up about abuse. You might also fear that if you talk to someone about the abuse, you’ll be accused of wrongdoing yourself. Remember, though, if you’re being abused, you aren’t to blame — and help is available.
This is what I suggest to victims of abuse, start by telling someone about the abuse, whether it’s a friend, relative, health care provider or other close contact. At first, you might find it hard to talk about the abuse. However, you’ll also likely feel relief and receive much-needed support.
If you are a man and being abused or have recently escaped an abusive relationship, please know that you are not alone. There are many of you out there, and many, like you, feel as though you are the only one to experience this sort of abuse. It is okay to be frightened, confused and hurt. Someone you love, who cares about and trust has broken that trust, turned against you and hurt you. You don’t have to suffer in silence, there are agencies and people who do care and can offer you help, support and advice. Check out the links at the bottom of this page which are specifically designed with you in mind. They are there to help you. Just because you are a man does not mean you are impervious to pain! If you are no longer in the abusive relationship, know that you can ‘get over this’, but you may find that it still gives you nightmares and makes it difficult establishing a new relationship, learning to open up and trust someone again. It may help to talk to a counselor about what happened and how you feel.
Please don’t give up if you are disbelieved or ridiculed by some of the people you approach. Sadly many people do not want to or cannot (due to their own insecurities) believe that men can and do suffer abuse, remember that it is their personal problem if they don’t believe you, not yours. It does not make your experiences any less painful or devastating or valid. Try to disregard their attitude and try someone else. You will find many people who do take you seriously and can understand what you have suffered.
And finally, please realize that it is not your fault. You do not deserve to be hit, to be insulted and ridiculed, to be touched intimately if you have asked not to be, to be treated like a doormat, to be threatened, attacked with a weapon, shamed in front of your mates, told what to do when and with whom. You do not deserve to be abused in any way, shape or form. I too am a survivor of domestic violence and I’m a woman, now I volunteer with different agencies and have learned that abuse has no boundaries, no gender preference, and no age group. Women as well as men can become victims of domestic violence. There is hope. I survived and so can you.
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Some useful links:
Hi Laura I was wondering if this counts as abuse. My ex-wife binge drinks (2-3 bottles of wine) every 2-3 days and about half the time I would have an angry drunk. She would accuse me of pretty much everything, bad father, repressing her, oppressing her, blackmailing her, manipulating her, forcing her to give up 5 years of her life to look after her kids, being financially irresponsible, not caring about her or the kids, trying to control her, cheating on her, neglecting her and so on. I was even blamed for the bad blood between her and her family… Read more »
Ok. Maybe I’m just naive here, but when it is ever Ok to verbally disrespect or physically violate someone? My answer is never. No one, regardless of gender, color, creed, etc. should go through this. I think violence should be addressed. Period. I, for one, applaud you for writing this article.
Thanks Laura for this article. It is tremendously important for women to speak out on this issue. My brother was in an abusive relationship for 18 years. It it amazing he got out because most people remain at that stage. It is difficult to talk about because it still makes me angry and because people assume I’m some misogynist with a chip on his shoulder. When the first ‘cracks’ appeared, I ended up being the front-man to get him out and because the support structure was so poor it cost me six month of my life, a huge amount of… Read more »
interesting….
VERY! 🙂
LC
http://lauracowanstory.com
Overall a pretty good article, but I hope the following is an oversight by the author:
If you’re gay, bisexual or transgender, you might also be experiencing domestic violence if you’re in a relationship with someone who:
…
* Says that men are naturally violent
I really can’t see how that point is not equally valid for cis heterosexual men, but the article certainly implies by omission that it isn’t. Perhaps the author could clarify?
WOW! Please don’t let that discourage you John. I believe that more training in domestic violence with our law enforcement agencies is so well needed. Theories about why men or women batter and why some people are reluctant to end abusive relationships may seem abstract to police practitioners, but the theories have important implications for how police might effectively respond to the problem. Police and other members of a domestic violence reduction collaborative “SHOULD” encourage people to call the police if they are victims of, witnesses to, or know a victim of domestic violence. Prevention and education efforts should include… Read more »
Hi Tamen, Thank you so much for reading my article and responding. I love the interaction. Please feel free to ask any questions. Tamen, men are responsible for most of the egregious violence in the world because every culture in the world expects their men to be aggressive and capable of extreme violence, just as it expects them to make themselves subject to aggression and extreme violence. Here’s a link you may view: http://www.avoiceformen.com/mens-rights/domestic-violence-industry/the-reason-men-are-more-violent-than-women/ Men commit more acts of violence than women. The U.S. Department of Justice sponsored a National Crime Victimization Study in 2007. This evaluation found that 75.6… Read more »
I wonder how much of men’s violence in crime is due to being breadwinner which in traditional gender roles would leave a higher % of men doing that job (if unable to get other jobs)?
@ Laura
“men are responsible for most of the egregious violence in the world because every culture in the world expects their men to be aggressive and capable of extreme”
When I wore my taekwondo jacket, I knew that many people (irrationally) feared me. I think it’s because many people believe that the ability to perform violent acts = the propensity to perform violent acts. That’s not the same thing, but that’s not to say that society doesn’t teach men that this is true.
Laura, this is an excellent, plain-spoken article. This list is good: :■Calls you names, insults you or puts you down ■Prevents you from going to work or school ■Stops you from seeing family members or friends ■Tries to control how you spend money, where you go or what you wear etc. …now stop and think how much of this gets encoded into standard gender role behavior. the wife who wnats her husband to dress a certain way and nags him about what he prefers to wear, the wife who runs the social calendar and decides which family’s functions take precedence,… Read more »
Hi John,
Thank you for reading the article. So sorry that this happened to you. It happens more than you know. About two in five of all victims of domestic violence are men, contradicting the widespread impression that it is almost always women who are left battered and bruised, a new report claims. Men assaulted by their partners are often ignored by police, see their attacker go free and have far fewer refuges to flee to than women. Domestic violence is often seen as a female victim/male perpetrator problem, but the evidence demonstrates that this is a false picture.
I former girl friend tried to claw my eyes out. I moved my head the first time and she scratched me along the cheek. It was a pretty deep scratch and drew blood. I caught her hand and then her other hand and restrained her until she stopped trying. When I went to work. Only one person had mentioned it. My female boss who was also a former math teacher of mine. The conversation was pretty uncomfortable, but looking back I realize that she cared. I told her what happened. I guess she was OK with it since I was… Read more »
Douglas, Emily M.; Hines, Denise A. (2011). The Helpseeking Experiences of Men Who Sustain Intimate Partner Violence: An Overlooked Population and Implications for Practice. Journal of Family Violence, 26(6), 473-485. ( http://www.clarku.edu/faculty/dhines/Douglas%20%20Hines%202011%20helpseeking%20experiences%20of%20male%20victims.pdf ) is a paper which looked at the experience of male DV victims when they sought assistance/support from outside the home. The sample was 302 US male victims of DV (physical assault by their female partner within the last year) who had sought outside assistance/support. Here is a link to a presentation (which sums up some of the findings) held by one of the authors Denise Hines on… Read more »
Great information Tamen …. really eye opening. Let’s face it, the only thing that’s changed in the last 25+ years is that there is more information being disclosed that shows the high level of battered men. But the stats may as well be published in a fictional novel because very little is being done/accomplished. Very few in power listen much less do anything about it.
I think we should start talking openly in the mainstream about the political group that have been suppressing the truth about domestic violence and keeping half the story in the closet since it co-pted Erin Pizzeys domestic violence movement in the 1970s.
Just today at the supermarket I saw a woman punching her man (albeit softly) in the arm during an argument….They stopped n moved on but none of of said a word, I feel like I failed in that situation…
I know some cops and what they told me is that sometimes when someone, even a cop who the victim called, tries to intercede they become a target of both individuals. That and my natural discomfort with the situation makes me leery about getting involved.
WOW! Please don’t let that discourage you John. I believe that more training in domestic violence with our law enforcement agencies is so well needed. Theories about why men or women batter and why some people are reluctant to end abusive relationships may seem abstract to police practitioners, but the theories have important implications for how police might effectively respond to the problem. Police and other members of a domestic violence reduction collaborative “SHOULD” encourage people to call the police if they are victims of, witnesses to, or know a victim of domestic violence. Prevention and education efforts should include… Read more »
I didn’t say much as it was very light punching and he seemed to have the situation under control, if she kept going I probably would have said something. I do hope that is the extent of her abuse and she doesn’t hit far harder at home. It seemed to be in the strength range of less than a typical play punch.
Hi guys! I’m the Author of this article and another article I wrote for The Good Men Project called:
“Men Too Are Victims of Domestic Violence”:
https://goodmenproject.com/ethics-values/men-too-are-victims-of-domestic-violence/
Please follow me on twitter and let me know of any topics about domestic violence. Its a pleasure and don’t forget to leave your comments.
My Twitter: https://twitter.com/DVSurvivor1
Laura
What the hecK?
Jeeze louise people. Get it through your skulls!
NO ONE CARES ABOUT MEN!!!
Boys, babies or otherwise, young, middle aged or old, NO ONE CARES!!!
Seriously. If you think you’re going to change this fact anytime soon, you’re deluding yourself. Brutally.
Sheesh.
Now, what’s ailing women these days? I haven’t had an update in awhile.
😉
“Hi”
And thank you for reading my article. I do appreciate your response. And I appreciate everyone who replied.
All domestic violence victims are still not being treated equally. We reject the gendered analysis that so many in the domestic violence establishment still pursue, that the primary focus should be female victims. Each victim should be seen as an individual and helped accordingly.
You’re a great guardian angel for those in need, Laura.
But in regards to this:
“We reject the gendered analysis that so many in the domestic violence establishment still pursue, that the primary focus should be female victims.”
You’ve got one hell of a fight ahead. You’re attacking their bottom line since they live on the Duluth Model (it puts food on their table) so be prepared to get assailed from every single side and your reputation slandered.
If you are prepared, I salute you.