I’m going to a New Year’s Eve gathering this evening. I’m bringing a date. I suppose I should be happy that I have a date, but a slight hesitation has invaded my brain.
Know what I did last New Year’s Eve? I spent it with a guy I was dating.
Know where that guy is now? I don’t know. We dated about 8 months, and he isn’t in my life anymore.
I find I’m getting more and more sensitive to the presence of ‘someone I’m dating’ on landmark occasions.
I don’t like that asking “What did you do last Halloween?” churns up a memory of someone who isn’t in my life anymore, poking those old wounds. (Though it was pretty cool that he wore mermaid tights, and I wore a massive white beard. He was Ariel, the Little Mermaid, and I was King Triton, Ariel’s dad. What a good sport he was to do the fun gender reversal!)
I’d like to think of my last birthday without having to immediately conjure up memories of an ex. I’d rather not have to think of my ex every time I glance at the watch he gave me for my birthday. Then again, it’s a super cool watch with an altimeter, barometer, and compass. Do I give it up for the sake of not triggering a memory of the ex?
It’s not that the ex who gave me the watch for my birthday is ‘bad’. No one I’ve dated or married has been a bad man of any sort. It’s just that he’s not here in my life anymore.
He’s just someone who ‘didn’t work out’.
I’d rather not have to think about him when I think about what in theory should be happy occasions.
I’m getting that way about vacations, too.
The Catarata Rio Celeste is a waterfall in Costa Rica. The water is this unbelievable shade of blue. It’s believed that after God painted the sky blue, he washed his paint brush in the river that feeds this waterfall.
When I remember the moment of seeing that waterfall, of having a temporary, fleeting belief in an artistic creator, I have to remember my ex who I dated for a year. He stood beside me, holding my hand during that moment of awe.
Do you do this: When you’re at a neat spot with someone you’re dating, do you make sure you get a photo of just you? Photos of you, by yourself, in addition to the couple selfies?
No offense to the dude, but I’d like to have photos of the place without him in the photo, just in case.
I keep thinking the trick is to know someone long enough before I decide to spend a holiday or vacation or birthday with them, hoping to reduce the risk of associating another occasion with another by-gone person.
There doesn’t seem to be a sweet spot for how long to know someone before letting him participate in my life in such a way that I risk contaminating my memory banks.
You can date someone 1 month or 6 months or a year and still have no guarantee he’ll always be someone you want to remember.
Recently, I’ve started being a bit reticent. I have a spiel that goes something like this: “You know, we haven’t known each other very long. I tell you what. If you’re still in my life next (insert the name of the imminent holiday), then I’ll for sure spend (name of the imminent holiday) with you, but let’s hold off this year.”
That sounds quite reasonable, right? I’ve even practiced this spiel a couple of times, hoping I can easily tell the person. It’s hard to tell someone new I’m dating that I’m unwilling to spend a holiday with him. I suspect he’ll be disappointed.
After all, a perk of dating is having someone to spend those holidays with.
But I’m firm on my “No Christmas together until I’ve known you about a year” policy.
How many Christmases have I spent with the families of men I’ve dated? I give their children presents. I talk for hours with their boring, slightly-lascivious, hard-of-hearing, 80-year-old Uncle Bob.
I am a good sport, the best of sports.
I meet their people and start to care for them, but those people I started caring about are no longer in my life after the break-up.
I think of all the wasted time, effort, and money.
Does his daughter say that she got that necklace from ‘some woman my dad once dated’?
I am, admittedly, a bit of a contrarian, but I’m not such a contrarian that I’d tell a fella I’m dating, “I won’t spend New Year’s Eve with you until you pass some sort of test”.
I don’t even know what the test is to know if I’m willing to take the risk.
But you know what I’ll do this evening? I will have a fantastic time.
I will NOT let my dread of contaminated memories be a reason for half-hearted revelry.
I will not live a half-life because I’m dreading what will happen.
Every dang day, regardless of who I am with, I will try, and I will keep trying.
One day, I’ll look back on a New Year’s Eve and say to my person, “Do you remember that New Years, 20 years ago when we…?” We’ll look at the photo of us wearing those stupid cone hats, and we’ll laugh at the memory.
It’s time to go get ready.
Tonight, I hope you live without hesitation. Tonight, we won’t let bad memories, or fear of new, bad memories, prevent us from creating new, happy memories.
—
Photo by Lee Bidoski, author.
Previously published on Medium.