Tsach Gilboa believes it’s time to evolve the unspoken rules of dating and relationships.
As a man who always has, does and always will love women (love the way they look, move, feel, smell, think and are), the current state of men/women transactional dynamics is perplexing, annoying and distressing.
Dating–in middle age after a marriage–is like living in an episode of the twilight zone. It feels like an alternate universe where the “rules” are full of double standards that don’t promote deep, loving and lasting relationships. In this mating dance,” “equality” is a subjective ever-changing concept based on nonsensical out-of-date social norms, convenience of the moment, and twisted “chivalry,” which now means the imposed obligation on men to fund the relationship instead of the voluntary personal instrument of civil intercourse, which is what it should be. Although high school is ancient history, I find myself back there, only without the raging hormones and low standards, while burdened by and struggling to overcome years of baggage and insecurities.
A popular distortion of this predicament is presented beautifully in the 1977 Francois Truffaut film “L’Homme qui aimait les femmes” (or the less sublime 1983 American remake by Blake Edwards “The Man Who Loved Women”) where a womanizer’s life is recalled and explored at his funeral by all the women he “had” during his life. It is a sad story of a man who thinks he loves women too much, but is simply a collector of female conquests and “objects” without the ability to actually love them
Equality of humans regardless of gender, race, creed, sexual orientation, belief and economic status, is and should be non-negotiable. Variety and differences are a natural part of being sentient and should be cherished and encouraged. They enrich our existence and give us art, music and a plethora of technical, scientific and social advancement and pleasures, to name but a few benefits.
And yet, when one ventures into the dating pool with women who appear and profess to be of maturity and substance (same age group, attractive, successful, together), one finds himself liable for most of the energy and financial sponsorship of the dates/relationship.
Just to be perfectly clear: I am all for chivalry and enjoy deeply choosing to spoil and treat my date/girlfriend/wife. However, chivalry is a choice and part of the life-long maintenance of romance in a relationship. It is not and should not be an entitled expectation and axiomatic part of a distorted transactional framework for dating and relationships (it reminds me of a humorous– albeit true–metaphor of the great American breakfast of bacon and eggs, where the chicken contributes but the pig is committed! Guess which is which?)
It was not that long ago that women were literally second-class citizens without the rights to vote and participate in the political process and considered the property of their fathers and then husbands (and in many parts of the world some of this still is the case, inclusive of the US, especially in the area of reproductive, abortion and contraception rights, as well as with careers and professional opportunities.)
Although not peer reviewed or the result of an official clinical trial, my observations, conclusions, discussions and personal experience over the last 50 years (I consider the first 6 years of my life to be blissfully ignorant on this issue) result in the following conclusions:
(1) A good to great and sustained relationship has its roots in how it is launched as well as in how each person views the other. If you start with an unequal foundation where men have a built in tax and women have a built in credit, your home will lack the proper foundation for stability, longevity and depth. Equality has to be practiced to become a reality. It is not a theoretical concept. If you want equality you have to be equal, talk equal, behave equal and demand equal.
(2) Balance of needs and desires in a framework of consideration, respect and tenderness mixed in with passion and regular physical/sexual fun is essential for the survival of the union and its health.
What needs repeated clarification is that although money is important (one should not be forced to spend a larger and larger portion of ones’ disposable income on the quest for love just because one is male–another word for that, taken to its logical conclusion, is prostitution), this is not about the money. Instead, this is much deeper and much more meaningful than money. This is about starting a relationship on equal footing, without expectations or preconceived notions. Women and men desires for intimacy, love and sex are equal, and the unequal biological playing field (obviously only women get pregnant) is equalized now by contraception and major participation by most men in childcare.
Why then is it that men are stereotypically still expected to chase and “purchase” women’s affections and “favors?” How is it not clear that arbitrarily introducing unfair gender based rules and standards would only result in eventual disappointment, resentment, the perpetuation of inequality and end of the relationship?
Each couple must have the freedom to find their own balance based on their needs, abilities and comfort level. Once that foundation of equality is established, TLC and chivalry, funding and supporting, sharing and building will be natural progressions for eventual deep and satisfying unions.
We are hopefully moving to the next level of human interaction and relationships. This is a call to action to attractive, independent, bright, fully grownup women (I still love you!). A call to women who appreciate and desire men, seek a healthy deep involvement with them as equal partners and desire to share our short journey on this planet together. A journey made much better, richer and more rewarding with the right women by our side (not behind us or in front of us). Just as we have an ancient need to protect and take care of you, we also value your strength and want to be able to depend on you. The joys and sorrows of our short human journey are better and easier with the right partner and in the right mutually loving relationship.
–Photo: Library of Congress/Flickr
You are a lucky man and I like your crowd. You are also correct that this double standard, although still more common than I would like, is changing for the better. We need to increase the number of relationships like yours and the rest will take care of itself.
Thanks you for your comment.
In all my life nor all my relationships, I’ve never had to be the one to first express a romantic interest in a partner (or at least be the first to unambiguously admit “I like you as more than just a friend.”) Neither have I ever dated a girl who expected me to pay for any more than half of the utilities or dates. I’m either extremely lucky or hang out with a particularly modern crowd. As such, I suppose I’ve always been able to avoid this double standard. And also, before any smart-arse decides to chirp in, that number… Read more »
And I will fight for your right to do just that. Don’t give up hope. Good people are out there.
After three marriages and a dozen of more relationships, I have given up. Don’t want to pick up after anyone. Don’t want to live my life by someone else’s schedule. Don’t want to struggle to deal with someone else’s emotional issues. I have my men friends. Online. I talk to them almost every day. I think men are AWESOME friends. Just want to play with them online in video games.
Fortunately those messages you speak of are changing. As I said in the piece I am all for chivalry. But it should be a choice and not a social obligation. There is a difference. Furthermore, traditional rules of romance are subject to interpretation and evolution. This is important because they impact the relationships and marriages more than half of which end up in divorce. Maybe it is time for an adjustment to make sure both parties are exploring the possibility of romance without undue gender based burdens. And yes I still pay for the first few dates, but it is… Read more »
I agree with you that being taken for granted – no matter the circumstances – always ends up being destructive. It ruins the sense of giving or doing something for others – not matter if it’s paying for a dinner or doing the laundry. That said, while I do recognize that there’s a dating segment that go by the antique script, I’ve never found it to be that much of a problem to just ignore all that. Sure, there might be some missed opportunities, but then I’d be unlikely to enjoy a relationship with someone overly attached to traditional gender… Read more »
What you say is all well and good, but the fact remains that when a man is really interested, he plays by the traditional rules of romance. Therefore, if the man doesnt pay for the 1st couple dates or so the woman takss it that he’s not interested. Moreover, the MEN in her life (fathers, brothers, male friends, etc.) will tell her that, not just the women. When these messages are reinforced not just by women but by men who care about you what is a woman supposed to think?
Well – but maybe the women who think for themselves and pay no attention to rubbish like that are more fun to go out with?
Thanks for a well reasoned comment. While it is true that generally men make more than women, that is not always the case or the issue here. I question the transactional nature of dating and the fact that equality seems to stop at the restaurant or date bill. Successful women with careers the envy of men still feel that they should not have to pay to date. As I said in my piece, it is the entitled social obligation and expectation that men always pay that is destructive. There are plenty of ways to get to know each other without… Read more »
I think that this is an interesting article, Tsach, and I think it’s coming from a good place in the heart. However, unless society at large changes the institutionalized ways in which women are still treated in the workplace and in general, we won’t have this equality that both men and women desire. The fact that most women (of all races) still earn less than men isn’t your fault, or any man’s fault who’s looking for a date or a relationship these days. These are exactly the kinds of things that need to change. These issues are much less about… Read more »
I’m so glad someone’s say this. I have for a long while found that while we strive for equal rights, the dating game is still locked in a primitive ritual that can’t effectively meet our needs in the modern age. Real equality means both share the financial and emotional cost of courting.