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Finding companionship, romance and friendship is a natural human desire. Increasingly, cell phone apps have become popular as the stigma of their use lessens these diverse apps, such as Tinder, Grindr, Trans, and OK Cupid, cater for many lifestyles, sexualities and desires. They reach people instantly and, despite criticisms, have connected many to their life partners.
These apps may be on the other side of a phone screen, but cultural and societal norms and expectations still exist governing their use. Manners, civility and tact, especially in rejecting people, are valued as much as they are in the physical world. Stories of dating apps and dating disasters are common with Catfishing, as in pretending to be someone else in the app, being scammed, insulted, abused and stalked are increasingly common. Internet trolls have caused much disruption, offense and menace, throwing insults at peoples’ profiles and photos which can affect an already vulnerable person’s self-worth.
One reason for this is that we live in a visual culture where we make up our mind quickly about others based on their online appearance. This has been termed the ‘swipe left swipe right’ culture where left means no interest and right interest. This rejection impacts on self-esteem and fosters ideas that people are only worth contacting based on their appearance.
While dating apps have rules, and members can be banned from them, the idea of a personal ethical code is a conversation that is little discussed. It is easy to think the task of fostering an unofficial cultural code such as treating people civilly in online dating apps unworkable. Though difficult to force such behaviours, people have created online vigilante groups that shame people for their profiles, and photos. This is counter-productive and comes from being hurt and upset at one’s treatment by others on dating apps. Blogs, websites and social media are platforms hosting an abundance of disappointed people telling of their failure in using dating apps appears and how they have been treated by others online and when they met.
A 2017 Australian study of dating app Tinder portrays an ugly landscape of negative behaviours, especially trolling, showing from a sampled population how rife these unfortunate practices are. Such examples studies are unpleasant to report, but it is beyond name-calling to behaviours the study describe as psychopathy, sadism, and dysfunctional impulsivity. Another United Kingdom study confirms the game playing behaviours many on apps do that frustrates people. They make a date on the app and do not show up for it or promise to meet but do not keep the promise, not contacting them again.
This dating landscape may look grim, but men can be leaders in creating a civil online app dating environment. Should men be leading on this? Yes because we know online trolling and bullying of women is unacceptable. Developing empathy awareness by thinking twice before making a rude or hurtful comment about appearance or profile is a beginning. The dating phone apps need to have banners and messages reminding people to play by the rules and remain respectful. Saying no nicely may be a cliché to some, but it matters as remembering that vulnerable people take a risk to present themselves online for new partners and friends.
There are valid counter arguements to the idea of making dating apps accountable for fostering ethics. The online world since the early Internet is seen as a place of free speech and little to no censorship or regulation. Though not mandatory, John Barlow in 1996 wrote a short manifesto telling governments to not interfere in Internet users’ use of the online world. This world was supposed to be fair and humane. Over time on other parts of the Internet we have seen disgraceful trolling activities, including the use of social media like Twitter to degrade and threaten women who speak out on issues. Advocating tougher regulation to force behaviour change is difficult. Yet to not do so fails in reminding people to be respectful on these apps. Education in the use of apps is a key factor to address these concerns and encourage cultural change.
What does it mean to be a good man in regards to this important issue of dating apps? It means having a conversation to remind men, and all, that behaving with ethical conduct on these apps is important. This links to Good Men’s Project’s idea of questioning the Man-Box ideal. Respectful and ethical app dating is important as they do have formal and implicit rules and cultural ideals that operate to protect the often vulnerable users. This is an important discussion because who knows how we will meet friends and partners in the future through the Internet. Therefore, we must lay the groundwork now for cultural change to a more respectful and ethical cell phone app dating landscape.
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