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“She’ll practically orgasm to serve him,” my friend says.
“I don’t want anyone orgasming to serve anyone,” I tell her.
“That’s their culture,” she says with a false sense of reassurance. “I work with Filipina women. I see it every day.”
I am on the phone with one of my friends talking about my older brother, Michael*, and his future wife, a 23-year-old mail-order bride aboard a plane from her native Philippines.
To say I am uncomfortable with the situation is an understatement.
Despite what radical conservatives like my brother believe, me being a career-focused single female does not make me a man-hating socialist unknowingly oppressed by the propaganda of the feminist movement. I hate neither men, nor marriage, nor cooking, nor childbirth. If anything, I take pleasure in spoiling a male partner, whether it be with a home cooked meal, or a massage, or—yes—oral sex. To me a man is neither a paycheck, nor a punching bag. No, if anything I am still single because I am a romantic idealist who believes in the utopia that is a true and everlasting love and partnership, and I would rather be unattached than compromise that dream.
I mention feminism because it is part of the foundation for which my brother cites his matrimonial decision; I mention my brother because he is part of the foundation for which I am a feminist.
♦◊♦
Eleven years my senior, my brother was one of my idols growing up. A product of our home environment, back then he didn’t subscribe to the ideology that a woman’s role was limited to looking pretty while staying at home and cooking and taking care of the children while simultaneously servicing a husband. As his little sister, he strove to make me into a multidimensional, cultured individual outside the gender-defining confines of Mattel Barbie dolls, Sweet Valley High books, and Seventeen Magazine. He taught me how to play pool when I was seven, bought me my first camera when I was nine, warned me about the perils of credit card debt when I was 12, and instructed me how to change my car’s brake pads when I was 17. Together with my parents, he encouraged me to exceed in school and get my degree so I could have independence and not succumb to old societal protocols of male dependency.
As I entered my twenties, however, we became estranged. Even then, at his worst, nothing could have prepared me for the man he is today. When he offered I move in with him a year ago to save money on rent and pay off debt, I welcomed the opportunity. Beyond the motive of financial freedom, I reasoned we could mend our differences and start our friendship anew. Plus, his ex-girlfriend was pregnant with his now one-year-old daughter. I was going to be an aunt to a future dream warrior, such as myself. I was elated.
When I moved in I saw sides of my brother no progressive-minded person wishes to see in someone of the same blood. It was election season 2012, and the War on Women waged as much within the confines of his house walls as it did outside of them. Among the newly adopted dogmas he pressed daily between breakfast, lunch, and dinner was that abortion should be illegal, that feminism was responsible for the decline of the family, and that women should not be allowed to vote because we are too emotional. My niece was born two days after Election Night, and I continually pray that she never be homeschooled, as is his plan.
He’d already begun speaking with his future wife via an international dating site when word came of the pregnancy. My family and I were somewhat relieved to hear about his potential companion, as his ex is not a good person. Among her many offenses: She requested he drop half a grand on last-minute tickets for a concert she wanted to see with him while my family was visiting him from out of town, she was secretly married to a soldier in Iraq when they first met, and, worst of all, she claimed to do jumping jacks seven months into her high-risk pregnancy with their child after he asserted his decision to remain broken up. My parents and I tried to explain to him that not all women are like this—selfish and inconsiderate and cruel—and that he was the only singular factor among the type of women he chose to date.
♦◊♦
It’s been two years since he and his soon-to-be wife began their relationship online. She joined the international dating site to search for a better life, as it is not uncommon within her culture for Filipino men to physically abuse women, acts that go unpunished by authorities. She broke up with her last boyfriend, a fellow native Filipino, after he hit her across the face when she asked him what was on his mind. My brother pursued dating overseas because, according to him, American women are only after a man’s money, and if they aren’t at the beginning, they will be during the divorce. American women, he says, will take a man’s house and his savings and his children and his 401K, citing first-hand accounts shared by self-declared feminist co-workers as proof. Except a person is not a feminist merely for identifying as one and vocalizing said identity. A person is not defined by their words; a person is defined by their actions. Certainly, there exist examples in our culture of women abusing the system to take advantage of good men, but that does not make it the standard, same way not all men are misogynists.
While married, my parents shared household duties and took turns cooking in the kitchen and cleaning the house. When my parents divorced, my mother never sought alimony, and my father could see me whenever he wanted. My mother chose never to remarry, continued to work, and spends her free time traveling with her hard-earned money. Now in his second marriage, my father raises my younger brother, keeps a clean house and prepares dinner daily, while it is my stepmom who financially provides for the family. These are the family values I grew up with, one where both genders had the opportunity to redefine their roles and weren’t pigeonholed by outdated societal standards.
The reality that my brother’s future wife is in a position where her freedom is constrained by someone who is not flexible with a woman’s role in a partnership is why I am uncomfortable with him wedding this 23-year-old woman. I say “woman” because “girl” sounds derogatory, an implication that she’s a child despite being an adult, that she is unaware of what she’s doing. There’s a part of me that recognizes she made a conscious decision to venture alone into the unknown for the opportunity at life in America rather than remain in the Third World country and culture she has always called home. Yet, another part of me also knows that she chose the more promising world because her options are limited, and as such may be blindly optimistic to the situation she’s committed herself to.
It is true that my brother will not physically abuse her, and she will live in beautiful house in an upscale neighborhood with a Prada purse slung over her shoulder, but when the two of them began courting two years ago she was sold a world where it was a union, one that would even include a child of their very own someday. During this honeymoon stage, my brother spoke of her fondly and often. He visited her in the Philippines and they would Skype and chat daily. Eventually, she came clean: “I think I’m falling for you.” That’s when reality began to set in. He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t love her. He wanted to but did not.
♦◊♦
I don’t know when my brother’s heart metastasized from a living, breathing organ into the bedrock it is today, but at some point, he changed, and with it the world he surrounds himself with. To say he only has one friend is no exaggeration. Without people and differing perspectives to humanize him, he lives in a bubble of negativity, continuously breathing in the toxic air that circulates within. He never leaves the house, save for errands and work. Fox News runs constantly throughout the day. At dinnertime, he buries his nose in conspiracy theory books. He won’t even welcome the laughter of sitcoms on account of the media’s “liberal agenda.” Aside from his fatherly duties, he does not cook, or clean, or even partake in stereotypically “male” responsibilities, such as taking out the trash and constantly bemoans exhaustion.
That is where his wife comes in. Seeing as how she will come from nothing and will have everything and doesn’t have the influence of the feminist movement to taint her scope of what her life could be if she could work or have a voice, her role in their relationship will be a traditional one of cooking and cleaning and looking pretty while taking care of his child.
It could be true that his wife is a mature 23-year-old unfettered by the influence the Western world, of Real Housewives and Kim Kardashian and E!, that she doesn’t desire material goods, or know of Gloria Steinem or Betty Friedan or Oprah, but a 23-year-old is still a 23-year-old, is still a human; a world limited to cooking and cleaning for a man and his child with no music and no friends and no laughter is not the life a person wants for themselves—American, Filipina or otherwise.
Finally, a few weeks ago, after two years of Skyping and texting and conversations face-to-face, the moment of truth arrived. He made his last trip to the Philippines to keep her company after she interviewed at the American Embassy in order to be cleared so she could fly to a new country, to her new home. While there he began to sing a different song, sold a different sort of union. He told her did not love her; that he was still in love with his ex; that he did not want her to work; that her duties would be to cook and clean and raise his daughter. But to rest assure that there would be no sex—it wouldn’t be like that. That he was going to get a vasectomy. Crushed by the new proposal made to her, she declined his offer. She said that she wanted to get a job to help her family back home. That she didn’t want to be a maid. That she wanted children of her own.
She comes from a culture that oppresses women, a culture without the voices of the feminist movement here in America, and even then her instinct is the same as us American women: She wants love and companionship and equality.
Except she’d already sold her car. She had no job. Her family stopped speaking to her because she called off the marriage. Two years had already passed. She’d invested so much of her time. Her options were even more limited now than before. And so, the decision was made. She conceded to the conditions and boarded the plane to the Land of the Free, to live with a strange man and his strange proposal and his strange family.
*Not his real name.
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Our Filipino feminist culture is more alive and kicking than the feminism you have under your current president. You can write about your brother all you want but leave our culture out of it.
I think that you can find love of all your life anywhere! It depends on destiny
hi i recently purchased a mail order bride. i used to pump steroids into my neck so these days it is quite fat in thickness. i was raised by a drunk and think i am dr.phil even. she cooks and cleans for me while i scoop shit out of toilets and spend my dark lonely days staring at the tv wishing upon a star for someone to call my phone.
I found this article after a Web search for “ethics of mail order brides”. Both the article and the favorable responses vary from uninspiring to downright disturbing. First of all, I’m extremely skeptical of the claim that the author’s older brother transitioned from a paragon in his teens and early twenties to suddenly and inexplicably having a “bedrock” heart. (And is this sort of religious, judgmental language really necessary in the first place?) Clearly, there is a lot more to this story that would shape the narrative, but the author decided not to taint her argument against mail-order brides by… Read more »
I’m a Filipino and I find your viewpoints about Filipinas from poor families very condescending and sweepingly generalized. You are writing from a Western ignorance that’s patronizing and not at all informed about the peculiarities of my culture. I come from a country that rates high in gender equality. Perhaps you should try coming over so you will have an idea what you’re writing about.
I don’t normally comment on articles, but in this case I feel I am compelled to do so, if only to give a different perspective. From a real Filipina, born and raised in the Philippines, still living in the Philippines. I would say the “mail order bride” does exist for reasons mentioned in the article. But to give context, this happens more commonly in very rural areas. My existence has been spent in cities and I would like to correct the “there is no feminist voice the way there is in America” or that our “culture oppresses women” is quite… Read more »
Great reply! It’s funny how people take a mental snap shot of a country and assume it hasn’t evolved. I come from a small island originally and many go there thinking the people are all backward and the women are all oppressed servants. In reality the culture is progressive when it comes to human rights, even going so far as to allow gay marriage.
I feel sad of this Filipina. Life is hard from my native island, I wish I can send a load of money to help everybody there, but to live here is not easy too! Lots of bills. I am still young and I still want to have fun!
My brother-in-law’s “wife” (there are reasons for the quotation marks) is Filipina, and my daughter-in-law’s mother is a Filipina woman who until a few years ago was married to my daughter-in-law’s American father. So, I have two interesting perspectives on situations where Filipina women have married American men. I never extrapolate from those to assume that either of them are the usual case, but neither of them are cases that anyone in his or her right mind, Filipina/Filipino or American, should ever want to emulate, and both cases were and are powerfully driven by the relative economies of the Phillipines… Read more »
Ms. Lisa – Those of us “horrible” men, who know NOTHING but heartache here ( no girlfriend in high school, no dates ,no prom ), are always that “nice guy” who is too boring, too bland, would probably NEVER ask anybody out, are extended an incredible opportunity here. In a matter of months, I will be in the Philippines actually dancing, with someone who will want to dance with me, and actually want to talk to me,and want to write to me, and maybe even marry me. I look forward to making her happy, even in my most misguided lack… Read more »
Lost in the discussion about the Filipina mail order bride is the brother with all the earmarks of serious depression. As others have stated, this man need intervention and therapy. Fussing about his life online is not enough. Family must step in and do an intervention to get him into therapy. When the woman arrives, the family must monitor and support her in not becoming a victim to his spiraling depression and anger. There are two victims here, but since one is a male no one thinks to lend a helping hand. As Rica said, the young woman will take… Read more »
I have long had my reservations about “mail order brides” esp from a Slavic/ Oriental/Latino background
whom some American(and British) men say they prefer because women in their own cultures are too”bolshy” or “stroppy” and because the whole idea is tinged with racist stereotypes- and this article sums them up to a T!
What a remarkable collection of thoughtful, considered and informed comments. I agree with them all.
Sounds to me like your brother was transformed by the trauma of divorce and needs some serious help (which I doubt he will get). I am much more optimistic about his wife’s chances to improve her lot …. than your brother. He may well be a lost cause. I would encourage you to damn the torpedos and forward your article to him (if you haven’t done so already, which would not surprise me).
You Americans should stop underestimating others, especially women from cultures you think are more oppressive towards women than your own. The Philippine women generally are among the strongest and most self-confident of all South East Asian women (and I have met quite a few). Although young, she most likely does know pretty well what she is doing. You, and even your brother, can offer her this: respect and support. Let her work – it is a means of self-respect. Offer her friendship and companionship, and if she should want to learn a profession – support her. But most of all:… Read more »
It’s not an American thing, it’s a narcissistic thing. It goes along with the idea that American women are “easy.” None of these stereotypes are true. I think the young woman in question has already shown great strength in trying to call it off, and I don’t see her putting up with this “situation” very long before she takes her future back into her own hands.
After traveling you’d be surprised how much the majority of the world feels that “American” and “narcissist” are synonymous. After traveling and returning home you might also be surprised at how true that seems to be. Materialism so often leads to narcissism; who better to fall prey to materialism than those with the most materials?
Thank you for saying that! I was about to say that I’m Filipina and I’m very proud of the fact that we have a very woman empowered culture. Some of our national heroes are women, we’ve had two female presidents, there are more females outnumber males in the medical field, we have countless female business executives… Domestic violence is present in all countries. The woman in this article just happened to be in an abusive relationship, and that’s unfortunate, but as others previously mentioned, she already showed conviction by trying to call the deal off. Don’t underestimate her. Filipinas are… Read more »
I’m half Filipino and if I ever get married it will probably be to a Filipino woman half my age. It won’t be a “mail order bride” or “arranged” (at least from my point of view) type situation. Between my mom, aunts, and cousins, I’m sure they’ll find a dozen or so women for me to select from. I have two friends, one Chinese and the other Indian, who have selected brides in the same fashion.
How about just finding a woman you love instead of specifically looking for a woman half your age?
And please, lets not rehash the old biology trope. We all understand biology and are especially eager to push it on women when it comes to procreation. Older men are not the best viable candiates to procreate either. There are many draw backs to older men having children. Our society tends not to focus on this however.
@ Erin “How about just finding a woman you love instead of specifically looking for a woman half your age?” Because half my age works for everyone. She’ll be young enough to have children (the concern of my relatives), she’s be able to care for me into my old age (my mom’s concern and to a some extent mine though I don’t intend to live forever), and she’ll be young enough to enjoy what I can build. It’s not just the old guy looking for the young woman. The young woman also looks for the old man. I know a… Read more »
John, I never heard of a man picking the age of his partner based on what his relatives wanted. That’s certainly a unique situation. I actually have not even ever heard a relative tell a family member they must marry someone half their age. But I suspect that mapping out the age of your partner has more to do with what *you* want more then what any of your relatives want. Some women do look for older men. Sometimes security is worth more then love to some people. However, I find that to be rare. Most people marry people around… Read more »
Oof. This reads like a /r/Relationships thread.
Your poor brother, and that poor woman, and his poor child. I can only hope that his heart unfreezes again someday. What . . . happened to him? To make him that way? I ask partly because I really, really want to avoid whatever it was myself.
Also, I’m amazed that you manage(managed?) to live with him for any period of time.
My nanny is from the Philippines… She fled a family that rejected her after she divorced an abusive husband…. Her reasons were also economic— she wanted to be able to send money home to her two sons in school… She is sweet and polite and just the best to my son and family, but she is educated and has her own opinions….we have known her for ten years and it is remarkable to hear about the stories of abuse that she suffered during her 11 year marriage….your brother should not underestimate her abilities or her ability to connect with other… Read more »
This is such a sad story on so many levels, however, if you choose to live in hope that things may improve for this young lady, then things may improve? Perhaps she will thaw your brothers cold heart? Maybe she will defy him and get a job, or strike out on her own eventually? At least she will have more freedom.to attempt the difficult tasknof building a benter life in the US than in the Philippines.
Sure, maybe all that can happen. Maybe she will be the plucky heroine to her own movie. Lets hope she is. But basically here is a woman who was trying to find a better way of life, who was physically abused, probably thought American men had more progressive ideas of what a partner and wife is, but discovers he neither loves her or even really wants her as a true partner, just someone to care for his own child and cook and clean and she is abandoned by her own family for this. They aren’t supporting her, the writers brother… Read more »
I’m in Australia and know of a couple of guys who had mail order brides, both much younger than the man. One got taken to the cleaners after she divorced him, the other seemed to treat his wife well and last I heard they were happy.
With that said I think mail order brides are rarer here than in the US
It’s very strange how these ultraconservative Tea Baggers run abroad to marry brown-skinned women. I found equally bizarre that Nazis fled to South America, got married to tanned women and started families there, which ironically went against their Aryan ideology. I don’t think a team of psychiatrists from Vienna can help them
The Philippines is a developing country, not a third world country
Your brother doesn’t need a wife. He needs extensive therapy. I pity the poor girl. I pity the poor girls from impoverished countries who think they can gain happiness somewhere else. I know for sure if their home conditions were better they would NEVER leave. I hope that after she gets american citizenship she will explore other options. The life in her future seems miserable. And your brother is an exploiter. A weak man who can’t face that he needs to FIX HIMSELF first, so he goes for the easy way out. Pathetic. Unfortunately no matter how much or long… Read more »
I hope you are able to find a way to help this young woman, because she’s going to need it. She’s already shown some fortitude in trying to call it off, at least. I doubt that she’ll be able to put up with your brother’s behavior for long. Your brother clearly needs some therapy if he thinks this is any way to treat another human being, and it’s already borderline abusive. He’s also creating a self-fulfilling prophecy–of course she’s going to divorce him eventually, and try to get alimony…what else is she supposed to do, since he won’t let her… Read more »
Love your writing, Mel! Thanks for sharing. I know this was hard. I hope people who need to read it do so. I hope she wreaks havoc everywhere. I hope she makes one really good girlfriend with a fast car or a quick pen (wink). We all need that.