There is a long-standing controversy within feminism about the importance vs. the dangers of talking about the ways in which men are also wounded by the patriarchy. The feminist principle of mutuality, which holds that a relationship cannot be growth enhancing for one person if it is not for both, could be expanded to suggest that a relationship cannot be harmful to one person without also being harmful to both.
However, many feminists have resisted addressing the impact of the patriarchy on men, knowing that historically when men have entered the conversation about gender to talk about their own experience, the conversation often quickly becomes about them, and the women who both started the conversation and are the subject of the conversation have often been lost. The Kavanaugh Supreme Court confirmation hearings were an excellent example. As long as Dr. Ford talked about her experience those listening, including the president and a majority of Republican senators, said they found her story credible and compelling. However, when Justice Kavanaugh and then Senator Grahm made their strategic decision to go on the offensive and angrily and aggressively put their own experience front and center, they appropriated the role of sympathetic victim and Dr. Ford’s voice was quickly lost.
“White Tears” is a colloquial term meant to poke gentle fun at white people who feel distressed, guilty, defensive or helpless when confronted with their privilege and complicity with systems that may harm them, but still bestow more privilege than harm and create far more disadvantage in others. Example include White people complaining about being disadvantaged by affirmative action policies, or Christians complaining about being persecuted in other parts of the world.
It’s a positive development for people of privilege to begin to experience some of their own pain. It’s good for them, and it’s good for everyone because things won’t really change until people in power feel the pain more directly. Feeling the pain is not a problem. Expecting others who are inevitably far more harmed to focus on your pain most certainly is. While the awareness of that pain may be news to you, it’s a very old story for many other people. For men to be true allies to women in their pain, it is helpful for us to acknowledge and talk about our own pain, but as allies, and as supporters, being careful not to insert ourselves into the leading role.
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Avrum G. Weiss, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist who sees individuals and couples for psychotherapy online. Dr. Weiss is recognized nationally for his pioneering work on the process of change in individuals and organizations. He is the author of three books and hundreds of articles, published here on The Good Men Project, Psychology Today, and elsewhere.
Dr. Avrum Weiss is represented by LMB Agency, LLC, and is available for speaking engagements. Click to see his speaker sheet: https://bit.ly/AvrumWeissSpeaker
Connect with Dr. Avrum Weiss via his Author Page on Facebook and his private group on Facebook. This group, based on the thought-leadership presented in his newest book, is a place to discuss men's fears of women with an emphasis on male-female intimate relationships.
However, many feminists have resisted addressing the impact of the patriarchy on men, knowing that historically when men have entered the conversation about gender to talk about their own experience, the conversation often quickly becomes about them, and the women who both started the conversation and are the subject of the conversation have often been lost. The Kavanaugh Supreme Court confirmation hearings were an excellent example. As long as Dr. Ford talked about her experience those listening, including the president and a majority of Republican senators, said they found her story credible and compelling. However, when Justice Kavanaugh and then Senator Grahm made their strategic decision to go on the offensive and angrily and aggressively put their own experience front and center, they appropriated the role of sympathetic victim and Dr. Ford’s voice was quickly lost.
