It is 6:25 pm EST in beautiful Bucks County, PA. I am still in jammies on this cold and snowy Saturday in January 2022. Jazz wafts through the air as I am under the covers and typing this piece. Dinner was potato latkes from a box and not from scratch as I would have made back in December if I hosted our annual holiday party. In the ‘before times,’ I would have gone through 20 lbs. of spuds to make the delicacies served with sour cream and applesauce and despite the ravenous appetites of my guests, I would have set aside a few to freeze for later enjoyment. The last time celebrating friends and family crossed my threshold was in 2019. Substitute joys have been hallmarks of the past two years. Christmas gatherings have been small as well. This year, it included my son, daughter-in-law, her parents, sister, aunt and uncle and, of course, the center of our universe, my nearly two-year-old grandson whose antics light up our lives. We are all vaccinated and boosted except the baby and still we all took a rapid OTC test that blessedly showed that we were COVID negative.
I have noticed that this social butterfly has folded her wings in the past nearly two years. My physical contact circle of people has temporarily shrunk. Certainly not my heart contact circle. Today, I spent nearly the whole day in bed, not because I am ill. Sipping tea and comforting butternut squash soup. I wrote two articles before this one, sent interview questions for another article, listened to music and napped. Still in jammies. Nowhere I have to be. Nothing I have to do. Rare for me. I have grocery shopping to do, but it can wait until tomorrow.
I am not prone to depression or anxiety, but I recognize the signs since I have seen them in my psychotherapy clients. Lack of motivation, isolation, feelings of hopelessness about the future exist, but, blessedly, are fleeting. I know how to deal with the symptoms and have been heeding my own good guidance I offer them. I imagine how hard it would be if I didn’t have the tools to face the in the pits emotions. I miss consistent touch from others. Humans have skin hunger that is as essential as food hunger. Without it, I feel a sense of disconnect.
Up until early 2020, I facilitated Cuddle Party workshops where p.j. clad adults hugged, cuddled and massaged each other, by consent. I also offered FREE HUGS events around the country and estimate that I have embraced thousands of people since 2005 when I entered exuberantly into what has become my greatest bliss. Imagine going from splashing about in those warm waters and then suddenly and without warning, the pool dried up, at least temporarily. Early on in the pandemic, I assumed it would only last a few weeks. The cosmic joke was on all of us, as nearly 104 weeks later, with no discernible end in sight, those activities are still on hold. Toddler hugs, cuddles, and hand holding are marvelous and is a bonus that comes along with grandparenting, and I look forward to a time when I can once again, hug with abandon and not hesitancy out in the world. When I see vaccinated friends I hug the stuffins out of them, with consent, of course. I savor them when before I might have rushed through. To feed the need for touch, I hug and massage myself. I wear soft and cozy clothes and wrap myself in blankets.
I spend a great deal of time in silence. In between client sessions which I do from the comfort of my sunlit solarium, I close my eyes and drift into no-thought land. I take deep breaths and do a lot of sighing. I recognize how much time I had spent seeking external validation and other people as a source of my emotional nourishment. I maintain contact with loved ones via calls and screen time. I am grateful for the technology that allows us to reach out and touch each other virtually. New Years Eve was spent on a Zoom call with friends who I would have hugged, danced with and talked to in person at a party in previous years.
I am not as lively and bubbling over with effervescence. I miss that aspect of myself. There are so many reasons to feel grateful and I acknowledge them daily. There are also reasons to feel trepidation about the future. Nothing ever was certain, but it seems that the world is in greater turmoil than ever in my lifetime.
When we emerge from this era that feels so dark and constricted, hopefully sooner rather than later, I anticipate a wing spread wide whoop of jubilation!
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