There’s a storm front coming and it’s a runaway train of wind, rain, and possible hail swirling in an array of anger, self-righteousness, guilt, shame, grief, trauma, and addiction. Funny thing is, they’re all shaped the same—the shape of a tornado—and the ways they are similar and different shed after-storm sunlight on their swath of destruction, the aftermath, and their wake.
Let’s take a look at each one:
Anger:
This fiery, active volcano spews molten lava at everyone and everything in your life, including family, friends, and loved ones. Once an eruption occurs, little can be done to stop everything ending up burned, on fire, or covered in ash. From the exit point, a volcano shoots lava out in a circular path, spiraling away from the mouth of the volcano. You. Notice I said mouth. Anger is often spewed out of the mouth. One of our oldest books accounts for this. The Bible says in Proverbs 18:21, “The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.” Anger leads to aggression and bullying, a loss of control, yelling, screaming, and result in combative and hurtful outbursts. Feeling upset is okay. Step away. Take time and space. Think first, then act/react. Wait 5 seconds or 5 minutes. Take a deep breath and utilize self-regulation. Think about the consequences.
Self-Righteousness:
The haughty notion you’re better than anyone else, or you may be on a level with a higher power. You’re not. But, sure, let’s roll with this idea for a moment. Another way this is commonly defined is false pride. Keep in mind, not all emotions are negative. Some can be both positive or negative depending upon how they are used or applied including pride, jealously, and envy.
Guilt:
The consequence of blame when settles in a person who may or may not be responsible. Guilt is not a respecter of persons; rather, it’s the master of blame-shifting and labeling. We all know someone is responsible. Is it us, or someone else? Even if it’s someone else, did they pass the blame to us like a hot potato that grew roots and won’t let go in our grip? Guilt is all-encompassing, a wet blanket that smothers and suffocates, and prevents the holder from realizing they can’t get out, they’re running out of breath, and soon they’ll be consumed by its grip.
Shame:
So common, it is literally named after its shape—a shame spiral—where we are often blindsided by its effects. When triggered, we dive right into the spiral and take a rollercoaster ride down its curves and g-forces until we feel we may throw up. Your mouth goes dry, time slows, your heart speeds up and beats faster, parts of your body convulse or twitch, your eyes avert and look downward, and you experience tunnel vision. The shame spiral is no joke. Yet the ride never seems to end. Shame often leads to passive aggressive responses, avoidant and isolative behaviors. When we feel threatened or fearful we respond by wanting to avoid confrontation, we wait/stall/delay action until the point of being unbearable.
Grief:
Anger left unchecked may present more honestly as grief. The realization that a loss has been experienced and the permanence of this realization is sobering, gutting, and reverberates in the mind of the one experiencing its painful grip, a skeletal hand gripping one’s heart.
Trauma: a dank spiral staircase that leads to a cellar filled with horrors of flashbacks, intrusive memories, and nightmares that plague a survivor day and night. Trauma survivors struggle with physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual symptoms among others.
Addiction:
The lie: The high that is always a step down from the last one. A spiraling downward, down into the ground, until the user never comes back up because they’re dead. Overdose. Another casualty to the pause from the chemical high, and the low that follows.
So, why do all of these things have the same shape? A spiral, a vortex, a flushing toilet, and each of these emotions and conditions described above? The answer is simple: they all occur in the same part of the brain. The Limbic System. This is the impulsive, emotional center of the brain, and when dealing with trauma, abuse, or feelings, they all happen here.
What does this mean? Well, for starters, there are many similarities, as you might be able to see based on the descriptions above. Another point to take away is that each one is often connected to our reptile brain or lizard brain impulses, and are most often zoomed in on a particular detail, but missing the bigger picture. Another similarity: when we act on these impulses, especially before processing our decision and its consequences, we most often experience negative outcomes. Anxiety, depression, anger, guilt, shame, hurt and other destructive emotions interfere with our ability to act constructively and lead to inaction and destructive behavior. If you’re tired of this spiral, then take notice.
The spiral is a warning. Take heed. Notice the storm on the horizon and catch yourself before you go winding down another spiral.
If you notice you’re in your Limbic Brain, first, slow down. Pause. Take a few slow breaths and breathe them out. Sip some water. These core actions help you to reset your thinking, zoom out from that place you’re zoomed in on, and move from the Limbic Brain to the Frontal Lobe. The rational center of the brain is the place where you’re zoomed out: you see the whole picture, all the factors at play, and from this place you can consider the pros and cons of acting on this thought/impulse, the pros and cons of not acting on this thought/impulse, all the related factors at play, and how this aligns with your values, morals, ethics, short and long-term goals prior to making a decision. The result of taking the time to process before making a decision is you most often have positive outcomes instead of negative ones, and there’s no gut-wrenching spiral of shame to contend with.
Another way to think about this is to follow these three steps:
- Listen first
- Open yourself to the possibility of learning from this situation/experience
- Speak last
When you speak, use open, honest, assertive, polite, I statements. Healthy negative emotions are a natural response to difficult and complex events that happen in our lives. We should check in with those who know us best including our family and friends or loved ones. When we are upset, anxious, or sad, we know these are short term and will soon dissipate, like a storm that blows over despite the forecast.
We need to embrace our emotions and learn to feel and express them appropriately. Maybe your box of crayons is missing a few. Maybe you only color with the angry red crayon. But, have you ever stopped and asked yourself if you’re even angry? Maybe instead of anger, you’re feeling any of 20 or 30 other feelings, which lie below the surface of the storm brewing on your emotional horizon. Take a minute and ask if instead you’re lonely, sad, weary, or overwhelmed. Do you know what those feel like? Have you added those crayons to your box? If not, make a personal goal to open yourself to experiencing each emotion as they come, check to make sure you’re actually feeling the way you feel, and practice feeling new feelings in appropriate ways. This is how you can add those crayons to your box, until your box is full. I’m sure it also comes with a sharpener in the back once you’ve filled your box.
If you’re unsure about how to keep going, how to begin, or how to make progress, review your past emotional successes to remind you what you are capable of, what you can do, and use self-affirmation to keep going.
Do you want to be part of creating a kinder, more inclusive society?
Photo Credit: Pixabay