I have a theory that we all know when we’re not acting with integrity and authority and when we’re out of balance. It kind of throws all of this becoming more aware of our toxic behaviours thing on its head.
My premise is that we are already aware of any behaviour we exhibit that is bullying, dominant, belittling, privileged or passive. We’re aware of it, but we don’t want to own it.
We don’t want to own it because we believe that doing those things requires us to judge ourselves negatively. We feel guilty about these things so we don’t want to look at them because then we’ll feel even more guilt.y.
To avoid these feelings of guilt, we’d rather pretend that we don’t know when we’re acting out of whack.
What me? Being patronising to someone of another gender, income bracket or race? Surely not!
Who me? Using passive-aggressive tactics to get what I want? Never!
Me?! Ignoring the fact that I have a privileged existence compared to others? Stop lying!
On some level, we absolutely do know. We don’t need to read endless articles or books about it. Nor do we have to discuss it with our therapist, psychologist or counsellor for the umpteenth time. We simply have to acknowledge it without self-judgement.
It is self-judgement and guilt that cause us to turn away from our uncomfortable behaviours. Yet we never think about letting go of that self-judgement or guilt because then we believe we’ll become callous and uncaring.
Paradoxically, (from my perspective) it is only when that we drop these judging faculties that we can fully own our toxic, unhealthy, insensitive or privileged, thinking or behaviours. The uncomfortable feelings that arise when we confront ourselves with what we know to be true, only arise because we’re being confrontational with ourselves.
When we’re being loving towards ourselves we can be matter of fact about how we respond. Yes. It’s true. I DO, do that. I do it all the time. It may not seem intentional, but on some level, it is, intentional. I own that. I accept that about me.
Of course, I walk through life in unthinking ways at times. Why waste my time denying it? I let my thoughts and opinions be dictated to me by others with their own personal agendas. If their agendas match my agenda then I’m more likely to embrace my conditioned thinking. This is true.
The energy of these responses is very matter of fact. There is no self-judgement involved. It is simply a statement of what is. As a white man, the Western system is skewed in my favour. As a man, in general, the system is skewed in my favour.
As a woman, I have been taught to manipulate others and belittle myself in order to get what I want. As a white woman, I benefit from the colour of my skin within my society.
As a rich person, I often allow myself to justify the disparity in wealth around the globe because it suits my narrative. As a fully able-bodied human being, I don’t get too wound up about wheelchair access or under-representation of differently-abled people in the public sphere. That is, not until it affects me personally in some way or at some level.
We can go on and on and see that on some level we know these things. We can apply this knowledge to the political arena or to abuses in law enforcement. We can also interpret it in accordance with cultural and religious biases.
When we’re willing to be matter of fact and non-judgemental about who we are, we can begin to change our behaviours with much greater ease. This is because we’re not pushing and forcing ourselves to change, we’re simply choosing to change because it feels logical to do so.
When we’re not being confronting in our energy, it is much easier to accept where and how we need to change. The downside is, there are whole industries, corporations, governments and charitable entities that rely on us pretending not to know. And who has the energy to shake up all of those apple carts?
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Yve Bowen is a passionate writer and copywriter. As a copywriter she provides engaging content and marketing copy for stressed out Sole Traders and Entrepreneurs. Find Yve at https://keeper.marketing.
