Dear Mr. Dad: I have a two-year old who’s a real handful—in a good way, of course. A lot of our friends have already had second and third kids, and my wife has been talking about how it’s time for us to start working on number two. But I’m not sure I’m ready. We spend so much time on our toddler that we barely have any adult time to ourselves. My wife is interpreting my lack of enthusiasm as a lack of love for her, which is completely wrong. Obviously, we both have to be on the same page. I don’t want to nix the whole second-child discussion, but what do you suggest we do?
A: Only you and your wife can decide on how (or whether) to move forward with having a second child. If you ask your multi-child friends, you’ll probably find that for some of them, the question about whether to have another child wasn’t actually a question—it was a given. For others, though (and you can include yourself and your wife in this group), the issue was and is more complicated. And most of the complications are related to the exact scenario that’s playing out in your home: one spouse wants a second (or third) child while the other isn’t nearly as excited about the prospect. Unfortunately, there’s no easy solution to this problem.
The lack of time issue is an extremely common concern faced by prospective second-time parents. But it’s rarely the only thing they’re worried about. So I suggest that you sit down (do this on your own for now) and make a list of any other factors that might be giving you pause as you consider enlarging your family. Here are a few topics that might resonate with you:
• Can you afford to have another child? Has your financial situation been negatively affected by COVID? If so, do you have a sense of when things will be back to normal (or close to it)? If it turns out that money is, indeed, tight, here’s an even more important question: Does not having enough money really make a difference for you?
• How you grew up. Were you an only child or did you have brothers and sisters? How did you like growing up that way? A lot of people consider the size of the family they grew up in to be the ideal family size.
• Your capacity to love more than one child. Are you worried that you won’t be able to love your second child as much as the first one? While this is an incredibly common worry, the simple answer is that your capacity to love your children—no matter how many of them there are—is infinite.
• Are you worried about putting your partner through another painful pregnancy and labor? Since she’s the one going through it, leave that decision to her. Consider, though, that while being a parent is exhausting enough, trying to be a parent while you’re pregnant is something altogether different. Do you worry that she’ll be able to handle it? Do you worry that you’ll be able to be an effective father and a supportive husband at the same time?
• Your firstborn. Do you have a child with a difficult temperament? While there’s a possibility that the new baby could turn out the same way, there’s an even greater chance that number two’s temperament will be completely different.
When you’ve put your list together and had a chance to think through each of your concerns, schedule a time to talk them over with your wife—but ask her to put together a list of her own concerns before you meet. You’ll probably find that even though she’s more gung-ho than you are right now, she shares many of them with you.
Previously published on Mr. Dad
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