Mike Spohr was trying to console his crying niece. Unfortunately some people only see what they want to see.
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I sat on this post for a couple of weeks because I wasn’t exactly sure what I wanted to say about the experience. I knew that I was annoyed by what had happened—angered even—but it’s not a totally black or white situation.
A few weeks ago my parents took me and my daughter Annie, along with my nephew Spencer and niece Michaela, to see Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs 2. Normally, my sister and her husband would have come too, but they were out of town, so my parents and I were in charge of looking after Spencer and Michaela.
There’s a double standard here, and normally that’s something we don’t accept in society.
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After the movie we schlepped over to a restaurant at the mall for dinner. Things started off well enough, but right before our food came Michaela threw a fit. I’m not sure why she lost it exactly… it might have been because she missed her parents, had too much candy at the movie, or because, you know, she’s a 3-year-old, but the fact is she had a big league meltdown. Since we didn’t want her to disturb anyone at the restaurant, my dad scooped her up and took her outside.
A couple of minutes later I went outside to see if everything was okay and saw that Michaela was still yelling and screaming. I went over and tried to calm her down, and that’s when it happened—a woman walked up to us and said, “Is she supposed to be with you?”
Shocked, I looked over at the lady who scrutinized us suspiciously. “I asked you if she’s supposed to be with you,” she said.
“Yes, she’s supposed to be with us,” I spat out, then turned away. I could see out of the corner of my eye that she watched us a while longer before finally continuing on her way. Michaela soon calmed down and we went back inside to finish our meal, but I couldn’t get the lady out of my mind.
Here’s the thing… on one hand, I get why the lady did what she did. If you see a child possibly in jeopardy it’s important to make sure he or she is okay. I’d like for people to look out for Annie the same way.
With that said, though, we weren’t heading toward a waiting van with Michaela. We were standing in clear sight of hundreds of other people. We also looked a whole lot like what we were—her grandfather and uncle. Actually, Michaela could easily pass for my daughter.
What upset me the most was the realization that the lady never would have asked that question of a woman and her mother. If it were my wife and mom out there with Michaela instead of my dad and me, she would have walked right past.
Clearly, there’s a double standard here, and normally that’s something we don’t accept in society. It’s sad that in a situation like that people are so quick to think “kidnapper” instead of “father,” and that probably says something about how our society views men and fatherhood. In the end, though, the woman was only looking out for Michaela, and I appreciate that. Still, in the future, it’d be nice if she stood back and observed a bit longer. If she did, she might realize there’s a whole lot more loving fathers, grandfathers, and uncles out there than creeps.
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Image: Flickr/Spirit-Fire
OP, I can understand your frustration. There has been a major lose of innocence in our society where interactions between children and adults are looked at much more suspiciously in general. I do think men bare the brunt of that but there are also higher incidents of men behaving sexually toward children. I’m led back to think of the human trafficking industry that is largely appropriated by men who drive it where women and children are the biggest victims. I however do believe that her response to you was inappropriate and I don’t think she had much business saying such… Read more »
It looks like about 75% of non-family member child abductions were committed by men. It also appears that most 59% were abductions of children 15 – 17 years old. 65% of all children kidnapped are girls. There is no break down by age and perpetrator, but I would suspect that much of the difference between the 75% and 25% is probably attributable to men kidnapping teenage girls. I suspect that the gap is much narrower for younger children.
https://www.ncjrs.gov/html/ojjdp/nismart/03/ns4.html
I don’t presonally care if it’s teenagers or not that are being taken, 75% to 25% is a HUGE gap.
I’m only young, and obviously not as learned as others on here, and i’ve not heard of the some of the buzz words people are using (“micro aggression?”), but one thing i’ve learnt in my time, is that getting annoyed at assumptions you’re making of other people is a good way to live an angry life.
I completely get why you would be offended or even angered by this, but you have to understand it from her point of view. All this woman saw was a crying child trying desperately to escape from a man holding on to her. 99% of the time it is a person just dealing with a temper tantrum, but that 1% is an actual kidnapping. I don’t think shaming this woman for trying to do the right thing is the way to go. Maybe we could, instead, have discussed how 97% of kidnappers are white men between the ages of 30… Read more »
First, she was clearly hostile. If she asked “Is everything okay?” then you may have a case, but the question “Does she belong with you?” is clearly accusatory because it implies the possibility that you currently have a child you should not have. Second, you are using a classic derailing technique: shifting the discussion from the stereotyped group’s suffering onto their perceived crimes. Stop-and-frisk was started by the NYPD when they noticed that a certain gender/skin-color combination was responsible for a disproportionate number of murders. This is still true, a certain gender/skin-color combination is far more likely to commit murder… Read more »
And is racial profiling ok with you, Taylor?
Same logic, after all.
Or we could do the sensible thing and not treat gender and race like some kind of reliable indicator of behaviour. Given that female sex crimes are vastly downplayed/unacknowledged, I’d question your quoted statistics too.
I completely get why you would be offended or even angered by this, but you have to understand it from her point of view. We do. And…. All this woman saw was a crying child trying desperately to escape from a man holding on to her. 99% of the time it is a person just dealing with a temper tantrum, but that 1% is an actual kidnapping. ….. she chose not simply question if the situation was a part of that 1% but rather she presumed it was a part of that 1%. I don’t think shaming this woman for… Read more »
We could, but we could also discuss how 97% of kidnappers are actually green men from Mars. Both statements are B.S.
You are so right about the double standard. I can’t believe the woman asked you that question. She could have at least had the decency to apologize for getting in the middle of a challenging situation.
Luckily, I have not experienced the double standard myself.
I really don’t understand why he’s so upset. Yes, it’s a double standard and a disgusting one, but I’m more concerned with her not stopping women in the same way than with her stopping him. I would also ask how he knows she wouldn’t have stopped a woman. I’ve actually had this happen myself with my father when I was a little girl and he wasn’t angry about it, he just explained the situation. The truth is that most kidnappers in America (97%) are white middle aged men. Someone checking in is a good thing. I would have actually felt… Read more »
Just so you know the fact (and I’m taking your word for it that it is a fact) that 97% of kidnappers are white middle aged men (this statistic already sounds false, but anyway) does not mean that 97% of white middle aged men are kidnappers. That means that this woman still had no statistical right to ask this question of the author.
@ Daddy files You wrote,”It’s ok to offend men fathers for some reason and I am not sure why.” Let me first qualify myself:I am a single-dad going on 18 years of three now adult children ages 28,25 and 23.I was a SAHD long before the acronym became commonplace.However,I certainly didn’t invent this wheel.There is a tradition in poor to middle class families of older sibs,boys and girls, taking care of much younger brothers and sisters.This has included changing diapers,cooking meals,reading stories and fixing boo-boos.I come from that tradition. As someone who experienced and has watched this tableau play itself… Read more »
Veiled victim blaming and micro-aggression? Seriously? I’m one of the first to agree that the stigma and negative stereotyping directed at men who care for children is harmful to everyone and needs to be stopped. But we really need to get some perspective here. The only “victimization” that this man endured is that someone asked him a question that he didn’t like. Every definition of the word “victim” that I’ve ever read requires that one must be harmed to be considered a victim. By the author’s own description, he was annoyed – even angered but he isn’t claiming any harm.… Read more »
@ Robert C It is not just the micro aggression against the fathers, but if society in general continues to view men as predators and women as nurturers, doesn’t that also put children at risk from female perpetrators? Can’t a woman do as much damage to a child as a man? Yet the woman was allowed to walk away without having her perception challenged. Wouldn’t it have been better if he asked her whether she’d ask if he was a woman? If she said yes, responding good, because women can commit crimes against children too and if she said no… Read more »
Hi John, Thanks for your reply. I’d like to first say that I speak out in favor of men on issues like this all the time. The negative stereotypes that vilify men do a tremendous disservice not only to us but also to women, who believe that they must always take on more than their share of the responsibilities for raising children because they have been sold a bill of goods about us that in most cases couldn’t be further from the truth and more importantly to children who miss out on the love and nurturing that a father can… Read more »
Robert, I guess we’re always going to disagree because your argument, stated as: “protecting children from abuse is way more important than protecting the emotions of an adult who’s only risk is that he could come away from the interaction feeling insulted” has been used to justify VERY bad behavior in the past. Stop-and-frisk comes to mind, but that’s just the most vivid example. At the end of the day if we always put crime prevention ahead of “emotions of an adult” we’re going to be able to justify too many stereotypes and too much bad behavior to have a… Read more »
Yes, I guess we will have to agree to disagree, but in doing so please don’t change my words to fit with your own point-of-view. I did not talk about preventing crime, I talked about protecting children. The phrases are not synonymous, nor are they interchangeable.
In fact, if I ever found myself in a situation where I had to protect my child and I had exhausted all legal means, I would do whatever was necessary to protect him, including the commission of a crime. I sincerely hope that most parents feel the same way.
@Robert Wright C.
I don’t understand how I “changed your words,” unless you are referring to protecting children from acts that are not criminalized. Are you talking about something beyond kidnapping/assaulting a child that is not actually covered by the law? If so that seems new to this discussion.
On the other hand, if you are talking about acts that are illegal, then my comment was a fair characterization of your stance: you are biased in favor of protecting children from illegal acts, i.e. preventing crime.
Several of these comments are really depressing. First, there is at least one comment suggesting that, for whatever reason, men should bear responsibility for the misconceptions that society holds about them; that instead of getting angry, men should try harder in order to “prove society wrong.” This is a problematic argument because it easily applies to any stereotype (“If group X doesn’t like being called Y, then they should work harder not to be seen as Y!”), and ultimately suggests that the burden of a stereotype should be born by the victim group. Second, there are several comments that engage… Read more »
I understand you get annoyed, but stop for a minute an think. What are the odds of having a male kidnapping or disturbing a little girl vs a female? Now, I am not saying that the woman was right, I think that there are many ways of asking if the girl was ok or not. Keep in mind too that you might have been a little upset because Michaela didn’t stop crying so it is possible that the women’s body language was misread, that in the heat of the crying she misread your body language. Maybe my point here is,… Read more »
Your assuming you know how the lady would have acted in a similar situation if a girl was with a woman, and it’s getting you down. What would you say if she did say the same thing to your wife? Would you be upset by the fact that a woman could question another woman? or would you think it was great that someone was looking out for a child. My daughter once had a melt down in a hardware store with my wife and I, my wife was looking for plants, so i just scooped my daughter up and took… Read more »
If I witness a child having an elaborate tantrum with parents around I might also react by observing it cautiously but discreetly from some distance away. In fact I believe I have done so at least once. The reason is that I wish to make sure the parent does not react by hitting the child. This pertains to mothers and fathers equally. If anything I am more wary with a mother than with a father – I guess my gut feeling tells me that a mother is more likely to hit her child because she faces much less social penalty… Read more »
I think everyone no matter male female should question or be questioned if something is amiss in public like this story reads. The more we do this the more everyone is put on notice. Acitvists must be active. And a good voice is heard through actions or inactions.
This post brings up another gender-related question for me that I find even more important. Would a bystander have reacted differently if the child had been a boy rather than a girl?
Good question. Very good question.
Another example of misandry which is just tacitly accepted in our culture. A man with a crying angry child must be some sort of abuser, people think. The tragic irony is that mothers are responsible for the vast majority of child abuse, yet most of it is ignored or rationalized (poor over stressed mommy). If that was a woman with the child, it probably would not have elicited any response at all.
actually, this is a great example of misogyny since it’s patriarchy that says that only women can be caregivers. feminism is about getting rid of these false concepts about both women AND men.
Its both mel. The system is saying both “women should be caregivers” AND “men should not be caregivers”.
Or is feminism really about trying to make this all about women.
Really….. So what is the position of NOW vis-a-vis “joint physical custody”.?
When you’re referring to “NOW” do you mean National Organization of Women? From their Florida Site …. “There is a national crisis for women and their children in the family law courts of this country. Affirmed by experts and leaders in the women’s movement, the existence of this crisis is verified by women in every state who report injustice in their family law cases, especially battered mothers trying to protect their children from abusive fathers who aggressively litigate against them, using family court to stalk, harass, punish, and impoverish their former partners and children. NOW recognizes this crisis for women… Read more »
@ mel
So men being the majority of CEOs and politicians is really an instance of misandry because society believes that only men have the ability to lead. Thanks for clearing that up.
yes its true, I think we should remove the word misogyny and misandry because you cant be one without the other. If you are misogynistic then you are also misandric and thats because you want to enforce gender roles. A person who has sexist belief will always be unconfortable when preople moves outside gender roles (femmephobia, gays, stay at home dads etc etc)
(see Ozymandrias law).
At first I was a bit torn about this. I am a very involved father and a strong supporter of a man’s right to care for children without being stigmatized by exaggerated stereotypes. I can certainly understand your annoyance/anger. I am also an intern in a Forensic Psychology program and my wife has been a Forensic Psychologist for several years now so we are continuously reminded of the horrible things people can do. You state that the woman who questioned you would not have done so had you been two woman. I absolutely get why you think so. Unfortunately, there… Read more »
I agree with this sentiment. You can’t really say what she would have done if there were women involved. Based on the mom blogging I’ve read, I wouldn’t be surprised if she reacted the same; stories of butting-in-judgmental-parents are pervasive in the genre. Besides this, it appears to me that her main concern was the best interests of the child, which shouldn’t change with the participants. Over the weekend, my son had the most epic meltdown of his life while at the zoo. We kept walking along, him holding my hand and screaming wildly that he wanted to go home.… Read more »
I think it’s perfectly reasonable to walk up and ask if everything’s all right. Looks like everything worked out as it should have.
I don’t think it’s perfectly resonable to do the same if it were a woman. Although there are many abductions by women today.
Did we read the same thing? There’s a difference between asking if everything is OK or if they need help and asking if she’s supposed to be with them.
Instead of blaming the woman for her misguided question, and an approach you disagree with, let’s talk about the issue at hand… Childcare is still relegated as women’s work, so much so that seeing a man with an upset child is viewed as suspicious. Caring men need to work to overturn this idea, so that two men comforting a crying child doesn’t look out of the ordinary. It can be be very upsetting to find out that people view us as potential predators, but that’s not their personal mistake, it’s the result of a deep societal wrong. We hear more… Read more »
Well hold on how are you supposed to do that? People being caring doesn’t make the papers! This is the equivalent of saying “prove people wrong that think black youths are all out to mug people” – crimes not occurring is not newsworthy! I don’t think taking a role in child care IS an unusual thing for a man to do anymore, and in those families where it is, it’s often due to a work ethic that relegates family life to second place to the more financially productive areas of ones life (and while that has traditionally been a male… Read more »
Let’s not “white knight” on behalf this lady too much. In the situations where I have ben a victim of this form of prejudice (it is prejudice), which happens far too often in regards of my own son. I’ve found that the women aren’t approaching with real concern, they are approaching with a rather snooty attitude, belligerent in their demeanour. Prejudice in all forms isn’t just a societal issue, it is also an individualistic issue. If I was racist or homophobic, it would be my responsibility to change. Not to blame society for making me racist or homophobic. Though I… Read more »
Look , sure your offended. But that is exactly the type of people that make a community safe. If your daughter was abducted then its that type of guts that will have your daughter returned to you.
I agree with Darren and Daddy Files. Asinine self-important approach, sounds more like the woman wanted to appear a good citizen more than she actually thought about what she should do if she were worried. Sit back, watch. Call the authorities if you really suspect a problem. Approaching and questioning a criminal (because kidnappers always sit down for lunch at the food court) is just going to result in a lie and a quick departure before you can get help. Of course, as others have mentioned as well, a child having a meltdown while in the presence of a man… Read more »
Great piece, and something that’s a real problem yet no one wants to address it. It’s OK to offend men and fathers for some reason, and I don’t understand why that is. But you’re right, she wouldn’t have said boo if it had been a woman out there.
Also, if something was amiss then asking “is she supposed to be with you?” probably isn’t the best defense. Because criminals never lie or anything…
Also, if this woman honestly thought that the girl was in real danger, that was a pretty foolish question to ask. Would a kidnapper say, “No. Darn! You caught me.”?
Good point, Darren!
That woman should get a free cookie for her IMPECCABLE SLEUTHING.