How come I’m the freak for actually liking a guy who’s a good dad?
I’ve been seeing a guy for a few months now and we’re ridiculously compatible. All of the cheesy crap you think is only in books or silly romantic comedies—yep, we’re kinda like that.
But, he has three kids—three very young kids. And he’s a good dad. A great dad, actually.
And this is a good thing, right? Wrong.
Of course, when I tell my friends about him, they don’t outright tell me I’m making a huge mistake, but there is that awkward silence wherein I can insert the What the hell? for myself. One friend, who is a mom, just took a long pause and asked how old the kids were and once I told her she said “Dude … those are hard ages.” So, she didn’t discourage me, but she was honest.
Now family, family keeps it completely real—especially my mom. My mom is not a huge fan of me dating a guy with three tiny tots. She wasn’t angry; she just matter-of-factly stated her case:
“He has too many kids. I don’t want to see you sell yourself short. I mean, you don’t have to settle for that. He’s a dad and if he’s a good dad, you can forget it. I’m talking soccer games, play dates, PTA meetings—you can hang it up, sister!”
I was pretty pissed. In addition to the fact that I’m still in the smitten “he’s so perfect, we haven’t even had our first fight” phase, I just find fault with her argument—If he’s a good dad, you can forget it.
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Generally speaking men get off pretty easily when it comes to parental responsibilities in our society. But what I’m hearing is that a guy who actually takes parenting seriously should be punished for being “one of the good ones.”
Why is this acceptable?
When I see a man who takes fatherhood seriously, not because he’s forced to, but because he genuinely wants to—that’s like porn for me, and yeah, I think he’s worth a bit of effort.
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While my friends and family support any decision I make, they definitely wouldn’t make the decision to date a guy with this profile—even if the guy is super-amazing. And they’re the normal ones—I’m the freak for actually liking a guy who is a good dad.
For me this issue hits close to home. Being a product of a single-parent home (my stepdad passed away when I was young and my biological dad was never around; checks came every month, but he wasn’t there), the fact that my current beau is an active agent in his kids’ lives is actually a selling point to me. I know firsthand the significance of a father’s role in a kid’s life. I mean, take it from me, if you don’t want your daughter to end up dating guys 20+ years her senior, you’d better be a full-time dad—I’m just saying.
My mom recently commended a family friend whose “baby’s daddy” comes to pick up their kid once every two weeks. She said, and I’m not kidding you, “Yeah, she [family friend] has him [speaking of her child’s father] in line. He comes to pick their son up every two weeks!”
Every two freaking weeks? Seriously? And that means she has him “in line”—wow. If that’s considered being in line, I’d hate to see him out of control.
I think it’s a sad day when we view picking a kid up every two weeks as exemplary parenting. If my guy would’ve told me that he sees his kids every two weeks, he would not be my guy. He has his kids three days a week and every other weekend—the same amount of time as their mother. Both parents have equal importance in the development of their kids—imagine that!
Now, I’m not saying my guy is perfect—he’s not. But, to me—a person who truly knows how easy it is for men to get off doing the bare minimum when it comes to taking an active role in parenting—when I see a man who takes it seriously, not because he’s forced to, but because he genuinely wants to—that’s like porn for me, and yeah, I think he’s worth a bit of effort.
It’s called character—what you do when no one’s looking—and when I find a guy who has it, I’m not just going to throw him to the wolves before at least giving him just as much of a shot as I would the next guy.
—Photo alicegop/Flickr
If you marry this man, you will understand your family members’ concerns. As the woman, you will be expected to take on the majority of the domestic duties. Those duties will become yours. You will be responsible for doing their laundry, your laundry, his laundry—cooking all of the meals, staying up late when they have fevers, dealing with tantrums—and he will be able to step back and let you do the work. He’s a great dad now because he has to be. He’s the only resource they have. He can’t let them die. Once your relationship becomes serious, they’re your… Read more »
I think the point of the story is know what you are getting into. If you are a single female and are perfectly okay with not being first, having to be around kids and catering to their lifestyle even though you don’t have any, having your significant other constantly coordinate and communicate with their ex, even if they are very difficult and nasty. I know people get divorced, or aren’t with their kids mother, and I think it’s great that they take care of their kids, but I personally don’t want to play second fiddle to some little kid. Or… Read more »
Your female friends are shocked by your choice of guy because it runs contrary to the evolutionary strategy of the human female. You’re supposed to monopolize a man’s resources for the benefit of you and your children, not let them get wasted on some other woman’s children. “Those are hard ages,” and “You don’t have to settle for that,” are meant to say “He’s spending too much time, money and energy on children that aren’t yours.” Mind you, if you were the single mother, and guys refused to date you because you spend too much time and energy on your… Read more »
The author writes about her mother feeling that two week visitation is exemplary is to me normal considering that her mother was a single mother that did not get shown the example of a good dad because her ex husband never came around to visit her daughter. From my experience, you can’t force someone to visit their own children or even read their own divorce decree. I also agree with the statements surrounding the fact that people look at a single person with no children as having so many choices and opportunities to create and build their own life, rather… Read more »
I commend the author for writing about the role of a single dad: the fact that getting involved with a single dad is an option, the prejudice associated with dating a single dad, the mom’s reluctance. However, one must remember, picking your kid up every 2 weeks might be a product of a biased and mom-focused court system. I sense a vein in the article that still considers divorced dads as trying to get away with not parenting and that one who splits custody is an amazingly rare gem. I propose that in fact most fathers want to be with… Read more »
I think it’s a sad day when we view picking a kid up every two weeks as exemplary parenting. Considering the raw deal some dads out there get its no surprise that people think of it as exemplary. Now, I’m not saying my guy is perfect—he’s not. But, to me—a person who truly knows how easy it is for men to get off doing the bare minimum when it comes to taking an active role in parenting—when I see a man who takes it seriously, not because he’s forced to, but because he genuinely wants to—that’s like porn for me,… Read more »
“Generally speaking men get off pretty easily when it comes to parental responsibilities in our society. But what I’m hearing is that a guy who actually takes parenting seriously should be punished for being “one of the good ones.”
Any possibility that the “punishment” involved dads face has something to do with why many other dads avoid parental responsibilities? Do both phenomena stem from a general devaluation of fatherhood relative to motherhood?
Mothers have the same stigma, if not more so. In fact, I’ve heard women be referred to as BAD mothers just for dating when they have young children. I’m not saying your argument is invalid, I’m just saying that men don’t get the short end of the stick. Divorced parents get shafted, but men aren’t disproportionately burdened in this scenario.
Yes, men get the short end of the stick. Not only are we expected to fail, we are almost forced into in a lot of cases. What do I mean? In the state of michigan, for an unmarried biological father to get his name on a birth certificate he either needs a paternity test which isn’t cheap, or he has to sign an affidavit of parentage, which is free. What most single men don’t realize is the fine print at the bottom of the page actually states that you only have rights to your son if the mother allows it.… Read more »