Welcome to Portraits of Fatherhood: We’re telling the story of today’s dads.
__
There is no better place to witness the changing roles of men and women in the larger culture than through the lens of parenthood. But rather than speculate on what and how contemporary fathers do what they do, we’d like to bring you portraits of the dads themselves. In their own words. Would you like to be interviewed for this feature? See the end of the post for details.
♦◊♦
NAME Tim Lineaweaver
AGE 58
HOMETOWN / WHERE DO YOU LIVE NOW? Woods Hole, MA, still there
NUMBER OF CHILDREN 3 kids, 4 grandchildren
WORK Private practice therapist working full time plus office in our house.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS Very happily married for the second time (each) for twenty-two years.
HOW DO YOU COMBINE WORK AND FAMILY?
This is a complicated question to answer as our roles have developed and evolved over the span of our marriage. In the beginning things were more traditional as my wife loves babies and wanted to stay home with our kids, and we agreed that it was important to their development that they get the kind of attention my wife was able to give in their early years. It is not lost on us that we could afford to structure our child rearing this way. I worked in a detox back then so my hours were all over the map: evenings, weekends and even holidays. I would say that when I was home I tried to be very involved with each of the children and helpful in all aspects of raising them: diapers, cooking minding etc., as well as disciplining them and getting them to where they needed to go.
HOW HAS PARENTING CHANGED YOU AS AN INDIVIDUAL?
Parenting has helped me to grow, mostly through the mistakes I’ve made over the years. I am more patient, less reactive and more thoughtful as a Dad. In earlier years I was quick to anger and had more rigid expectations of the kids. Now I am more patient and thoughtful. I would add that parenting has helped me to recognize the importance of having strategies and keeping a longer view. Rather than just reacting to situations I am better able to ask myself what’s important, what am I trying to accomplish and what is the best way to get there.
IF PARTNERED, HOW HAS PARENTING AFFECTED YOUR RELATIONSHIP? How often do you have sex? Is it enough? How do you communicate differently (if at all)?
In the beginning of our lives as parents my wife and I often disagreed about discipline and often in front of the children. Mostly because we were both reacting to a situation. Before long we realized this was bad for the kids and our relationship. As a solution we did two things. 1. Created a list of base expectations for the kids. (no hitting, respect self and others, respect us, honesty, do your best, stay safe) 2. Agreed that we would not impose any consequences for the children until we agreed on what they should be. This helped us, and the children immensely. The children came to see that we were united and the discipline we eventually agreed upon was more thoughtful and delivered in a stronger but more gentle tone. This became a template for better communication between us as well. We are more likely to forge solutions to our disagreements, and are able to communicate more effectively.
WHAT ARE YOUR STRENGTHS AS A PARENT AND WHAT ARE YOUR WEAKNESSES?
I am thoughtful and extremely loving. As a parent I think I demonstrate a purposeful life. As an abused child, I wanted to raise resilient children who believed in themselves. My children also depend on me to share honestly with them and know that I will listen to them. Humor is a big part of our family life as well and I think it has sustained us through the more challenging times. My weaknesses are: impatience, anger, and I can be too reactive when upset or fearful/stressed.
IF PARTNERED, WHAT ARE YOUR PARTNER’S STRENGTHS AND WEAKNESSES?
My wife is loving, organized, committed and thoughtful. She cares deeply for each of our children and demonstrates her love through spending countless hours with them, doing whatever activities need doing. She has an amazing affinity with babies and this was evident when our kids were younger and now with our grandchildren. She can be short and critical sometimes.
WHAT IS YOUR WORST PARENTING MOMENT?
Was when my youngest son Nicholas was about 12 years old and had been struggling with the flu. He also had a bad case of hives and came out of his room, turned a sickly color of grey and collapsed. I was downstairs and my wife yelled for me. By the time I got upstairs he was unconscious. We were both terrified, as it seemed the life was ebbing from his body. All I could do was hold him and keep talking to him feeling that if I did he would stay with me. I felt utterly powerless. His blood pressure was almost non-existent. We called 911 and the paramedics came and epi-penned him and he started to come back a bit. They rushed him to the hospital and he recovered quickly. Initially they diagnosed him with anaphylactic shock but later this was ruled out. He has some form of syncope and has had other episodes. Although he is twenty years old we are still trying to get a firm diagnosis. I am determined, like any other parent that he outlive us by a great many years. We love him fiercely!
WHAT IS YOUR BEST PARENTING MOMENT?
There have been so many and given that we have three children it seems unfair to focus on one child over another. But, one of those moments was with our middle son Dylan, who is actually my stepson. Dylan’s bio-father has always been very involved with him. I have been in the household with Dylan since he was a baby. It was always a conundrum what to call him. Saying he was my stepson seemed to diminish our relationship while saying he was my son could be construed as diminishing Dylan’s father. I have yet to solve this riddle. In the early years of Dylan’s life there was tension between us. From Dylan’s perspective as a young guy: You are not my Dad and why are you with my Mom and why should I do what you say? From my perspective the tension was initially in trying to win him over, as doing so would please me, and my wife. Then as Dylan got older the tension was in him pushing back on my authority. So, there was a lot of tension. Dylan could be oppositional and I could be reactive. It seemed like a long scrum. At Dylan’s graduation party I was asked by my wife to give him a toast.
She is a private person who does not like to speak publicly. Initially, I struggled with what to say but as I thought about the many qualities he has and the arc of our relationship it occurred to me that one of the things I love about Dylan was his sense of justice and his bravery. I stood up before an audience of Dylan and his many friends, his father and all of our friends. Dylan appeared at the edge of the stage and I gave the toast. The one important sentence was something along the lines of: “And when I was an asshole, Dylan stood up to me and I love him for it. “ After the toast we hugged tightly, not a brief milquetoast, “bro-hug” but something with force and redemption behind it. I realized two things in that moment: Dylan and I had buried the hatchet or more accurately thrown it away. Also, words can lacerate and be destructive but they can also compel forgiveness and healing.
♦◊♦
We’re looking for a few good dads.
IF you’d like to be interviewed for this feature, please write to Lisa Duggan at: [email protected]
Please write “Portraits of Fatherhood” in the subject line.