My spouse and I were recently asked to speak during a community event to support queer youth at Bridgewater State University. We were specifically asked to speak about our challenges as parents of queer youth. I was honored and immediately said yes, mostly because in my house, as the only non-LGBTQ person living in my home, I’m never asked my opinion on those issues. My spouse is genderqueer, my eldest is a lesbian, my middle child identifies as gay, and my youngest is gender non-conforming and uses male pronouns.
I, on the other hand, am a straight cis writer, mother, volunteer cosplayer, wife, and lover of comic books. I mention my many roles because, like me, LGBTQIA youth aren’t only lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, questioning, intersex, or asexual. They have many different aspects to themselves, and we should never relegate them to only being queer youth, but they do often face additional challenges because of their sexual orientation or gender identity. Sometimes their voices go unheard, and we owe them the chance to speak. As parents, we can support them most by acknowledging their unique struggles and identifying actionable responses to their individual struggles. As allies, as parents, as human beings, the most important gift we can give to our youth is to learn how to listen to them.
Because the reality is, I can’t tell you that if you don’t want to worry about the statistics of youth suicide in the LGBTQ community, you must do a, b, and c… because every queer story is different.
But coming out, even in a family like ours, where we eat gender norms for breakfast, has its challenges—and those challenges can be scary. The threat of bullying and discrimination looms. As parents, we plant these little seeds and we encourage them to grow. We surround ourselves with the tools needed to help them become big, strong trees. But then a strong wind comes along, and we are afraid, and it’s instinct to want to pull your little trees inside to withstand the bad weather.
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My daughter had a pretty “standard” childhood—she liked dolls, she wore pink. She even had a five-minute date with a boy in the lunchroom in elementary school. When she came out, we were actually a little surprised—she had shown no interest in girls until that point. My son also liked dolls and also wore pink, and had a very big personality…when he came out we were a little less surprised. And my youngest simply said, “I’m. A. Boy.” enough times to make us believe it.
But coming out, even in a family like ours, where we eat gender norms for breakfast, has its challenges—and those challenges can be scary. The threat of bullying and discrimination looms. As parents, we plant these little seeds and we encourage them to grow. We surround ourselves with the tools needed to help them become big, strong trees. But then a strong wind comes along, and we are afraid, and it’s instinct to want to pull your little trees inside to withstand the bad weather.
We can’t do that. We can’t protect them by sheltering them—because we live in a world where there is an internet, 24-hour news stations, and social media. We can only be there to nurture their growth. We can support them by making home a safe space, and by supporting legislation that protects their rights. We can also learn everything we can about the policies in our schools.
Recently in the news, there was a story about a school that had a lockdown drill—and one of their lockdown areas was the bathroom. A transgender girl was not allowed into either the boys or girls bathroom. The next day, I started thinking about what my youngest child’s school policies were. I wanted to make sure I was proactive and had a plan in place before it was needed.
But as parents, we won’t always know the right things to say or do. When my son was 6, and starting a new school, we went school clothes shopping and backpack shopping. Every other time we’d gone to the store, he bought what he wanted, and it was often sparkly and pink or coral, and he was so happy with those purchases. And the kids in his preschool had watched him grow up, so they knew that’s who he was. But this was a new school, and the opportunity to be hurt was there. These kids didn’t know him. He was a little nervous. We were really nervous. We suggested, “Maybe for the first few days, until kids get to know you, we should buy some plain colored things.” He slapped a hand on his hip and said, “Mom, I don’t care what they say when it comes to my FASHION.” Finger snap.
As parents, it’s natural to worry about our children. They spend such a huge chunk of time out of our care. But if your child is in the public school system, don’t be afraid to advocate for their rights. Get involved—GLSEN, PFLAG, and The Trevor Project are all organizations that help LGBTQ youth and families. GLSEN has wonderful safe space kits that can show an LGBTQ child they have a teacher who has their back. Our engagement in advocating for our children can mean the difference between a child who feels supported and one who feels they have nowhere to turn.
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This story has been republished to Medium.
Photo credit: Pixabay