Relationship is a confusing minefield for many men. That was once true for me during a 20-year marriage.
She says one thing one day and then something else another day. From I don’t know what she really wants to she’s nuts or I just want peace, a lot of men resign themselves to confusion and the status quo.
Yet, underneath is a feeling that he’s stuck and things will never improve.
Do you feel stuck in your marriage?
Often men give up when they feel stuck in a relationship. And yet they don’t do that at work. They put their head to the grindstone and get unstuck.
Some men go after change. They dive deep into relationship books and podcasts. Maybe that’s you.
The intention is awesome. But the problem is they mistake information for action. And anything short of action in a relationship is a way of staying in one’s comfort zone.
This is true even for CEO’s I’ve worked with. They were rock stars on the job, taking huge risks and racking up big wins, but at home they played it safe, only to get schooled and even humiliated by their wives.
It’s clear to me after many years of coaching men in relationship. Real change only takes place out of a man’s comfort zone.
How do you stay in your comfort zone in your marriage?
With the work analogy, I often hear a man say, on the job, I can figure things out. I can wrap my head around a problem and get it fixed. But in my marriage, it’s a whole other story.
He says, if I could figure out this relationship stuff, I’d do it. But I’ve been at it for years and I don’t what to do with her. She often says, I’m too this or too that. I’m tired of hearing it.
And so, a resignation settles into that man like cement that keeps him stuck for years on end.
Why do some men stay stuck in their marriage and others don’t?
Simply put, the stuck guys stay frozen in their fears and even justify them. They’d prefer to avoid what they fear than tackle things head-on. They say things like…
I can’t rock the boat with her. Things are tough enough already.
It’s just how it is with her. It’ll never change.
As long as the house isn’t on fire, I can deal. It’s not too bad.
So let me ask you…
Do you fight with your wife in front of your kids?
Are you more like roommates than loving partners?
Do you withhold who you are for fear of upsetting her?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, I have to tell you – the house is on fire.
And every day you don’t take action, the cement gets deeper and the harder it is to get unstuck.
So what’s the secret of the guys who get unstuck in their relationship?
First off, these are the men I work with. They’re coachable and eager to step out of their comfort zone.
They have the same exact fears as the guys who stay stuck. But because they believe in themselves, they are willing to invest in support and challenge, to get past their fears.
They’ve tried going it alone or done traditional therapy and they hit the same walls. But unlike the guys who stay stuck, they get back up.
The man who gets unstuck in his relationship knows that he’s hit a threshold and he has to make a change.
He draws a line in the sand. And it helps him realize something essential to move forward.
He understands that he has been playing a losing game. That the change he fears will not be any worse than the daily struggle he lives in.
Do you fear change in your relationship or are you hungry for it?
The man who gets unstuck in his relationship knows the costs of playing a losing game – diminished self-esteem, feeling invisible, being powerless – and is unwilling to play it any more.
For him, kicking the can down the road another day is no longer an option.
If he has to upset his partner in the short term to get what he wants in the long term, he’ll do it.
If he has to rock the boat to get to calm waters later, he’ll do it.
And more than anything, the #1 and biggest reason he does not stay stuck in his marriage has to do with how he engages with fear. Discover his secret in the video below.
After many years of marriage or relationship, the comfort zone can get quite comfy. And that’s where a man stays stuck.
Are you stuck in your relationship?
Get unstuck and go after what you want.
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